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I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls.
Anger, rage, fear, sadness.
I don’t think that’s only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. I think in the course of your life you figure out a way to deal with that.
~Kevin Bacon
Josh and Shelby brought Lexi and me back to the apartment. He said when the media bypassed the players and headed straight to the athletic offices, he knew they got word about what had happened. I was grateful he was there waiting for us with his truck because when we exited the building, news reporters bombarded us, each of them wanting more information. I refused to tell them anything, recalling what Josh’s uncle, who served as my attorney back in the spring, taught me.
I think what resonated with me the most was the fact that Josh and Shawn were standing by my side, supporting me, just like Lexi. Even though I screwed up and made a bad decision, they remained loyal. But I hadn’t remained loyal to my word. I’d promised them I would stay away from Jared. Shawn knew me all too well — keeping a close watch on me when he didn’t have to. In all honesty, I was glad he did. Otherwise, I might be dead right now.
We walked into the apartment and I went straight to my room, not saying a word. I hated to shut Lexi out, but I needed some time alone. Time to process what had happened. Think about the mistakes I had made and the consequences I was facing.
I untucked my shirt and then pulled off my tie, tossing it on my dresser. Instead of lying on the bed, I sat on the leather chair in the corner of my room. Even though my body was weak, I was tired of being in bed. I slumped to the side, resting my head against the palm of my hand. Everything hurt and ached. I’d never felt so bad in my entire life. It was worse than the flu or getting my ass kicked on the field.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what was going to happen once Coach told the Ethics Board and the Dean of Admission. Being dismissed from the bowl game was bad enough, but knowing I might be kicked out of school and off the team had me scared shitless. Football was all I had going for me. If they took that away from me...I don’t know what I’d do. My mom was going to freak when I told her. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and stared at the locked screen. I leaned forward and set it on my nightstand, unable to gather the courage to call her right now.
Not sure what to do or what to think, I considered what Josh told me. He recommended I call his uncle, William Marshall. Attorney Marshall had represented me last spring after Jared was pulled over for reckless driving and I got busted with a joint on me. Not only did he get the charges dismissed, agreeing I would attend rehab, he worked on getting them expunged from my record. Marshall was an excellent attorney and best of all, an alum of PHU, so it was in my favor to have him help me. Even though I wasn’t in trouble with the law this time, I could definitely use some professional advice when it came to my college and football career.
For several hours, I sat there, thinking about everything. The demons were doing their job, too — consuming me, piece by piece. Determined to destroy me until there was nothing left. They constantly reminded me of what a fuck up I was and how I wouldn’t amount to anything. That I didn’t stand a chance and I’d be kicked out of school and off the team. That Lexi would walk out the door and never talk to me again. They harassed and mocked me, filling my head with bullshit lies I struggled not to believe. Mainly because, deep down, I knew it was true.
The battle I struggled with the most was the guilt burning inside of me. Knowing what I had done with Macy, Abby, Reece, and the other women made me sick to my stomach. I might have thought I was having the time of my life, but I regretted every minute of it. There was no one to blame but me. I knew what I was doing. I thought screwing Macy and everyone else would help me forget about Lexi, help get her out of my mind. That was the worst mistake ever.
I hated that she saw the picture of Macy and me kissing. That pic might be my saving grace, but having to show it to everyone to prove I didn’t take the drugs on my own freewill sucked. And though it cleared me of the conviction, I was guilty, and I wasn’t sure which was worse. We might have been broken up, but I cheated on her nonetheless. I could only imagine what she thought and how she felt about what I did. Why she chose to stay with me was beyond my understanding. It just didn’t make sense. There was no erasing what I did and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever prove I was trustworthy.
Several hours later, the door cracked open and Lexi peeked in. I was still sitting in the same chair, practically in the same position, wide awake. The demons refused to allow me any rest. I was worn out mentally from their torment and physically from Jared trying to kill me.
“Raven?” She approached me slowly. “Are you okay?”
I kept my gaze focused on the floor, unable to look at her. Disgust, filth, disappointment, and heartache weighed down my body, cementing me firmly in place. Lexi knelt in front of me, trying to connect my eyes with hers. But I couldn’t look at her. I hurt the one person I loved and swore I’d protect no matter what. Some boyfriend I was.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” She placed her hand on my leg. The warmth penetrated through my pants and my body reveled in her presence. Only Lexi’s gentle touch and soothing words could make every bone shudder. She rubbed my thigh in slow strokes, kneading it with her soulful touch. “Tell me, babe. I can’t stand seeing you this way. Tell me what I can do.”
She knew exactly what to say and how to say it. Her words comforted me in the best way possible. Despite their intent, they didn’t change the fact that I was an unworthy piece of shit. That I was destined to fail, no matter what I did. There was nothing she could do to change that.
“I’m here for you.” The sincerity in her voice was clear, but it was only temporary. She’d be gone before long.
“Are you?” I lifted my heavy eyes, glancing at her.
“Of course I am,” she pleaded. “I said I’d be here for you, no matter what.”
“I know, but do you really want to be here for me? After everything I put you through, what I did...” I shook my head, cringing at my thoughts. I could never forgive myself.
Lexi sighed and her shoulders dropped. “Raven, if I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. I’m here because I love you. I didn’t have to go the hospital to see you, but I wanted to. I care for you, more than you realize.”
“Yeah, well, that’s only because you thought I was dead.” I had to face the facts. Lexi was only there because of my near-death experience. She was worried and that’s why she hadn’t left.
“Raven, please.” She clutched a hand to her chest. “Yes, I rushed to the hospital to make sure you were okay, but when you told me everything was a lie and you still loved me, I knew there wasn’t a place I’d rather be than with you.”
Her words were breaking me down. If she were being honest, then I was the fool who couldn’t see that this woman was madly in love with me. She was willing to risk everything to be with me. Give up her family for me. Love me no matter what. “But I’m so messed up.” My voice cracked and my eyes watered. Aside from my mom and Mimi, no one had shown this kind of love or care for me.
“No one’s perfect. I’m certainly not. But together, we are stronger. You even said it yourself.”
I managed to crack a smile at that remark. She was feeding me my own medicine, working to mend the ailments keeping me from opening my heart completely to her. “Did you just steal my line?”
“Maybe. All I know is that when you’re hurting, I’m hurting, too.”
My body couldn’t take much more. Being without Lexi was like being without air. My lungs were deflated and my body weak. My heart didn’t beat the same when she wasn’t around. We were connected on a deeper level — a soulful connection only existing between her and me. I needed to know that she forgave me and was willing to give me another chance. I straightened and leaned forward, clasping my hands together. “I never intended to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“I know you didn’t, but help me understand why you sent me that text.” Her voice rose two octaves and her eyes watered.
I thought she was upset about what I had done at the party, but it was obvious the coerced text was still plaguing her mind. I owed her an explanation and couldn’t put it off any longer. I took a deep breath and thought about the right words to use. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to man up and say it. I rubbed my thumbs against each other, feeling uneasy about placing the blame on her mom. But it was the truth and she needed to know.
“If you don’t want to talk about it right now, I understand.” She started to get up, but I grabbed her hand.
“Come here, baby.” I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her. It felt like it had been years since I held her this close. In my arms is where she belonged — no one else. I needed to do whatever I could to re-establish the trust that I had lost.
I owed it to her.
To us.
I loved Lexi. She was the best thing that had happened to me and I didn’t want a day to pass without her knowing it. She was the angel who brought light to my broken path. She was my saving grace and regardless of what happened, I needed her in my life.
“I’m so sorry.” I stroked her soft hair. “I’m sorry that I nearly drank myself to death. That I was with those girls. That I was at Jared’s house when you asked me to never go there again. I’m sorry that I allowed your mom to get to me. That I let her convince me that I wasn’t good enough for you. But you have to understand, it’s not easy for me. When I look at you,” I lifted her chin, aligning our eyes, “I see this innocent and perfect woman that deserves a man that’s just as perfect. One that isn’t broken and shattered. A man without a tarnished past and with a bright future. And when I look at myself, I know I’m not that man.”
Tears dripped from her eyes and I took a hard swallow, pushing back my own. Confessing everything lifted a huge, invisible rock that had been weighing me down. I was working hard at tearing down the walls and I would continue to do so, as long as it proved that I loved her and was willing to fight to be with her.
“Don’t say that.” She pressed a finger to my lips, forbidding me from speaking. “You’re more than you realize. You just need to believe in yourself instead of letting your past dictate who you are. We all have faults, we all make mistakes. All I’m asking is that you stop making bad choices. Instead, choose me.” Her shoulders lifted and hope circled in the center of her eyes.
I wrapped my hand around hers and kissed her finger gently. My eyes closed and I let out a silent breath, keeping my lips firmly pressed to her finger. I truly didn’t deserve this woman. God must have been feeling generous when he sent her my way.
Slowly, I opened my eyes. “You haven’t asked for a life like this and you’re here, regardless. Why do you keep coming back, Lexi?”
She pressed her palm to my cheek. Her stare deepened and I felt our soulful connection reach inside me, latching on to my heart. “Because I care about you, Raven. I’m in love with you. Can’t you see that?”
“Even though I’m not good for you?”
“Quit saying that. You know that I’m better with you.”
“I think it’s the other way around.”
“Then stop leaving me and just let me love you.” She kissed me softly and I saw it all — the love and care she had for me, the forgiveness, the determination to be with me. It was all there, waiting for me to accept. I was willing to do whatever it took to be with her.
Lexi was all I ever wanted.
All I ever needed.
We were meant to be together.
“You’ll take me back?” I whispered against her lips.
“I never gave you up.”
***
“Hey.” I woke up a few hours later too see Lexi in my arms. It was the best feeling ever.
She looked at me with sleepy, seductive eyes. “Hey.” Having her next to me took away every pain, every fear, and settled every demon inside me.
A low light filtered through the slit in the curtains. “What time is it?” I glanced at my wrist, but noticed I wasn’t wearing my watch.
Lexi turned to the clock on the nightstand. “A little after five.”
“I guess we fell asleep.” I ran my fingers through her strands, unable to keep my hands off her. Lexi was gorgeous; I missed touching her soft skin and smelling her sweet scent. I gave her a full look-over. She was still wearing her jeans but had removed her sweater, giving me a nice view of her cleavage with her low-cut tank top. With or without clothes, she was sexy as hell. Her body was made for worshipping.
“It’s easy to do. Being next to you is so comforting.” She parted my open dress shirt and glided her finger down the center of my bare chest. My body quivered and my muscles twitched at the tempting lure of her touch. It didn’t take much for Lexi to get my hormones revved.
“I missed sleeping next to you.” I slid my hand behind her neck and buried my fingers into her hair. Drawing her face to mine, I kissed her deeply, fully, filling her with all my love. I wanted her to know I regretted everything I’d done and she was the only one for me. Our kiss grew hungry as we devoured each other’s lips and twined our tongues together. The warmth of her mouth sent my body into a state of need.
I wanted Lexi.
On top of me.
Kissing me.
Loving me.
Only she could satisfy this burning desire consuming every part of me. I was lost in the trap she had unknowingly created for me. But it was a trap I wanted to spend the rest of my life in — no question about it. I had to make sure I had her successfully back in my trap, too. The net I cast was only for her and I refused to release her from it.
My hands dropped to her waist and I picked her up as I stood. My legs felt a little weak but the excitement circling inside me gave me a new founded source of energy. Lexi hooked her legs around me, clinging to my body. Our tongues danced in a perfect melody that had me ready to grind against her. I couldn’t get enough of her. I needed to be inside of her, connected to her.
I laid her on the bed, keeping my mouth glued to hers. I rubbed the length of my body against hers, giving her a taste of what was to come. Her eyes fluttered closed and her body went limp. I had her right where I wanted her. In my trap. Lowering my mouth, I traced kisses along her neck. I sucked on her skin and was ready to devour her entire body.
Lexi dove her hands into my hair, massaging my head with her fingertips. It felt so damn good, but I was ready for her to massage something else. She arched her back and moaned as her body writhed underneath me, telling me she was ready for me to take complete possession of her. And I’d gladly do it until we had nothing left to give.
Lexi slid my shirt over my shoulders and I quickly shucked it off. She didn’t waste any time, pushing me onto my back. She lowered her mouth to my chest and placed several sweet kisses before teasing me with her tongue. Using the tip, she traced over every indention and crevice as she made a path to my navel. My stomach quivered and I let out low moan as she unzipped my pants and pulled them down. Unable to resist her any longer, I flipped her onto her back.
Her eyes widened in delight. “Ah. So you want control.” Her hands dragged down my back to my butt, giving it a nice squeeze. She pressed me into her, telling me she wanted me.
“Whatever you want, baby. I’ll give it to you.”
She hooked her legs around my waist, positioning herself perfectly against my groin. I was ready to rip her jeans off so I could feel her completely. “Oh, God, Lexi,” I moaned into her mouth as I rubbed against her, showing her I was ready to make love to her.
Resting my weight on one arm, I used my other hand to trace the curves of her body. Touching her was sheer pleasure and I was dying to feel her naked body on mine. Quickly, I stripped her, tossing her clothes to the floor. My eyes gave her an approving nod. Lexi was perfect...so damn beautiful. I wanted her to forget about everything that happened and make love to her like never before.
“Two weeks without you is too long,” I breathed heavily into her ear. My heart raced and the blood coursed through my veins, filling all the right parts. I took several deep breaths, trying to pace myself before I lost it.
“You have no idea,” she whispered, panting shallow breaths as her hands roamed over my body.
My craving for her increased and an animalistic desire consumed me. “I want you so damn bad.” I pressed my hips into hers. Our gazes connected and the room seemed to fade away. All that existed was us. I would make love to her until she couldn’t possibly take any more. My arms trembled, but I ignored the muscle twitches. Nothing was going to stop me from showing Lexi how much I needed her.
“But you need to rest.” She stroked the sides of my hair. Care and concern filled her eyes and I knew she was trying to be considerate. “You’re weak.” Her voice faltered. She was the weaker one.
Lying next to Lexi was heaven, but being naked and on top of her was pure torture. A torture I welcomed. “Baby, I’m never too weak to make love to you.”
A smile spread across her face and her lips landed on mine. She kissed me greedily, like she was drugged on my love. I soaked up every ounce of it, indulging sinfully in everything she had to offer. My hands caressed her hot, silky skin as our bodies moved in a perfect rhythm only we could make. Every stroke, every thrust, connected us on a deeper level. Lexi was the only drug I needed. And I needed her more than she knew — every minute of every day. She gave me the perfect high. We were trapped in each other’s love and I wanted it to stay that way forever.
∑