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To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you,
Something to inspire you.
~Tony Dorsett
My unfortunate circumstance had become the most talked about and publicized college athletic topic. Every TV and radio station had something to say, whether good or bad. From what I could tell, it was a split down the middle. Some fans were rooting for me, while others wanted me out. All it did was make me more nervous about Wednesday’s hearing.
I met with Mr. Marshall and Steve a few times, preparing myself once again on what to say and how to answer questions they might ask. Mr. Marshall asked if I wanted to press charges against Jared, but since I had done a few drug runs for him in the past, we decided it would be best to leave it alone. More than likely, Jared would rat on me and I’d go down with him. Even though I was no longer involved in illegal activities, I’d made a deal with him and split the profit sixty-forty, earning me a nice chunk of change. I was honest with Mr. Marshall and told him the truth, and under attorney-client confidentiality, he told me to get rid of the money and any evidence as soon as possible.
I just wanted to get the meeting over with so I could get on with life. So much was resting on that decision and no matter what I did, it all circled back to the hearing.
Wednesday arrived quicker than I thought and I was getting dressed, ready to face how the rest of my life would go. Lexi remained by my side, supporting and encouraging me in the best way she knew how. It made me appreciate her even more. There was nothing this woman wouldn’t do for me and I would be forever grateful for her. I just hoped her parents didn’t ruin it for us. Recalling what her mother told me had me concerned that she was planning something on her end.
“Everything is going to be alright, man. Trust me.” Josh hooked an arm around my neck. “Just be honest with them. They’ll see that it was a slip and that you’re going to keep on the right track.”
I stared at the floor, trying to soak in his words, but nothing was helping me feel at ease. “I know. Your uncle feels that they will believe me and I’ll get another chance.”
“That’s right.” He patted me on the chest and squeezed me in a tight hug. “You’re going to be back on the field for spring training. Mark my words.”
Josh had a good sense of judgment, something I obviously lacked. I just hoped he was right.
Lexi handed me my suit jacket. “We better go. You don’t want to be late.”
I noted the time on my watch. “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.” Being late would definitely place a sour taste in their mouths. I needed to make a good impression whenever and wherever possible.
Josh grabbed his keys from the coffee table and walked toward the door.
“What are you doing?” I asked, sliding my arms through the sleeves of my jacket.
He stopped and turned around. “I’m driving you up there. We’re going to wait with Lexi and your mom. Is that okay?”
“I think that’s a good idea.” My mom gave Josh an approving nod before adjusting my tie and straightening my collar. Between Lexi and my mom, I was sure every button was fastened, my collar was flipped down, and everything lined up perfectly. I knew they had good intentions, so I didn’t complain.
“Sure. I guess I need all the support I can get.”
“It never hurts.” Mom leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I hugged her and let out a silent sigh. I hated that I had put her through another round of unnecessary shit. None of us needed it — especially her. Time after time, she stood by my side, her love and support not wavering for one minute regardless of the stupid mistakes I’d made.
We left the apartment and piled into Josh’s truck. He dropped us in front of the Wilson building, where the admissions’ offices were located. The grounds were media-free and I was glad Coach Anderson asked that we keep the meeting confidential. After a week of being in the spotlight, I needed a break.
Holding on to Lexi’s hand, we entered the newly renovated building and took the stairs to the second floor. The muscles in my legs weakened with each step and my hands moistened with sweat. I was positive Lexi could feel the tremors leaving my body. No matter how tightly I held on to her, I couldn’t stop from stressing out. By now, you’d think I’d be a pro at these situations, but I just wanted this shit to go away and be done with it.
Mr. Marshall and Steve were waiting in the hallway along with Shawn, Luke, and Delaney. Shawn promised he’d be here no matter what and like a good friend, he held true to his word. “Don’t worry, man.” Shawn hooked an arm around me and gave me a hard pat on the chest. “I’ve got a good feeling about this.”
“I hope you’re right.” I cracked a half smile.
“Good mornin’,” Mr. Marshall said, with his deep, Texas accent.
“Hello.” Mom extended her hand. “Thank you so much for helping my son. It means a lot to me...to us.” Her voice squeaked and tears pooled in her eyes. It sucked to see her cry over me.
“No worries.” Mr. Marshall gave her a heartfelt shake. “I care about your son. He’s a good kid and I want to see him succeed. He has a bright future ahead of him.”
She blotted the tears from her eyes with a tissue. “We will pay you back. It might take me a while to do it, but I promise I will pay you for every penny of your time.”
“Nonsense.” The attorney waved off my mom’s pledge. “You owe me nothing. I believe in giving back to the community and those in need. God always seems to reward me more when I do that. Besides, this is my Alma Mater. We need this guy.” He placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Well, I don’t know what to say...thank you.” She hugged the big guy and he returned the gesture. Mom then turned to Steve. “Thank you so much.” Grabbing his hand, she shook it. “I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome.” Steve adjusted his glasses while keeping a straight face. “Raven’s a good guy.”
Mom nodded, agreeing.
“Well, son, you ready to get this show on the road?” Mr. Marshall adjusted his purple and white bowtie.
I shook my head and inhaled a full breath. Lexi turned toward me. “Good luck, babe. I know everything is going to work out for the best.” She placed a soft kiss on my lips.
“Thanks, baby. Thank you for everything.” I hugged her and then captured her lips. With one long kiss, I showed her just how thankful I was. I hoped she felt my sincerity and gratefulness because without her, I wouldn’t be able to survive this. Slowly, I parted our lips and released her from my embrace. Her eyes glazed over and she pressed her lips together, as if trying to hold back tears.
I quickly turned toward my mom, fearing I might start crying with her. “Thanks, Mom, for being here. I love you.”
“Love you, too.” She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tightly.
We hugged for a moment and then I kissed her forehead.
She patted my chest and then pulled away. “Stay strong, son.”
“I will.”
Luke came up to me and shook my hand. “Good luck.”
“Thanks for being here.” I was a little surprised to see him, even though he told me to expect him. Lexi had mentioned the idea of inviting him and Delaney to watch the Lone Star Bowl game with us and I had agreed. It was a good start at smoothing things over and allowing him to get to know me on a different level. It took him a while to get used to seeing me with his sister and I still wasn’t convinced he’d accepted the fact that we were together.
I took in another deep breath and rolled my shoulders. “Let’s do this.”
Steve approached the heavy oak door and turned the knob. We walked into a large boardroom set up somewhat similar to a panel interview. A row of curved tables, positioned at the front of the room, faced a single table — the table I’d be sitting at while my fate was decided.
A side door opened and in flowed a steady stream of people, along with Coach Anderson. I immediately recognized Ralph Kenney, Director of Athletics. His tall, slender build and thick head of jet-black hair made him hard not to miss. At his age, the guy had to be dying it. They shuffled to the front of the room and took a seat at the long table.
“Good to see you, Raven.” Coach Anderson walked over and shook my hand.
“Nice to see you, too. Congrats on winning the game.”
He pursed his lips together and his head lowered. “It would’ve been even better if you had played.”
I agreed with a headshake. Missing one of the best games of the season sucked. I just hoped I’d be back for spring practice. Coach acknowledged Mr. Marshall and Steve before walking to the front table, visible disappointment in his stride.
“Good afternoon, Raven. I’m David Flores, Director of Admissions.”
Immediately, I sprinted to the front of the room and extended my hand. “Nice to meet you.” The guy looked somewhat familiar, late fifties, Hispanic with dark skin and brown eyes. I didn’t recall him in the first hearing I went to, but maybe I had seen him around campus or at the games. Mr. Marshall and Steve introduced themselves to Mr. Flores as I worked my way down the table, hoping to set a favorable impression among the university leaders.
“Mr. Kenney, always nice to see you.”
The director tugged on his suit jacket, making sure it was straight before offering his hand. “Likewise.” He gave me a firm handshake, but kept a twisted expression on his face. The less than friendly welcome told me he wasn’t happy to see me under these circumstances.
I turned to the last two people at the end of the table. “Hello, I’m Raven Davenport, nice to make your acquaintance.”
The elderly man adjusted his glasses and extended a shaky hand. “I’m Paul Turner, Representative for the Board of Ethics, and this is my colleague, Nancy Contee.”
Mr. Turner had a blank face while Ms. Contee wore a stoic expression that told me she didn’t care if I stayed or went. I greeted them, making sure to keep eye contact and a firm hand. After a few awkward minutes, Mr. Marshall, Steve, and I, returned to the table facing them.
“If you men would please have a seat, we can begin.” Mr. Flores opened a folder and picked up a stack of papers. Papers that probably had my life story on them, along with what happened the last time I was called to this room. A sickening shiver shot through me and my stomach twisted. Like it or not, this was it. I pulled out the hard wooden chair and sat, ready to test my fate once more.
***
“Do you have any questions, Mr. Davenport?” Mr. Flores asked, snapping me out of my daydream. I still couldn’t believe the decision. It was more than I prayed or asked for, yet still hard to believe.
“No, sir. I understand what’s required and expected of me.” I handed Ms. Contee a copy of the signed contract, outlining all the requirements we had discussed. She took one copy, slipped it in a folder, and handed it to me.
“That is for you to keep. There is information about the counseling center and pamphlets for rehabilitations centers if that is deemed necessary. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.”
Feeling the thickness of the folder, I peeled back the front cover, noticing a slew of pamphlets. A decision might have been made, but the hard part was just starting. “Thank you.”
Everyone stood and I pulled myself to my feet. My legs wobbled, but it felt like a ton of bricks had been removed from my back. I stretched, turning my head from side to side, popping my neck. I was amazed at how much lighter I felt. I began to follow Mr. Marshall and Steve out of the room when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“We’re counting on you for another winning year, Raven.” I turned around to see Mr. Kenney.
I smiled at his comment. “Of course. I can’t wait for spring practice to start.”
“You’re not the only one.” Coach Anderson quickly interjected. “We’re going to have a great team this year. And I need you to be a part of it.” He squeezed me in a tight hug. I could tell he was happy with the outcome. Then again, the entire room seemed to be pleased with their decision.
“You’re damn right we do.” Mr. Marshall chuckled as he opened the door. “I’m making sure PHU athletics has what it needs, too.” He made a clicking sound with this mouth and winked at the coach.
“We appreciate Marshall Law Firm’s gracious support to the football program.” Mr. Flores promptly shook Mr. Marshall’s hand.
“What can I say?” He held up his briefcase. “I have to support my team.”
Everyone laughed as we made our way out of the room. I stepped into the hallway and immediately met Lexi’s gaze. She held on to her bottom lip, waiting anxiously for the news. I smiled, extinguishing all traces of worry. She ran to me and I caught her, lifting her into my arms.
“They’re giving me another chance,” I announced loudly as I spun her around. Everyone screamed and yelled, excited about the news. This was definitely one of the best days of my life. My football days weren’t over.
Yeah!
“Oh, babe, that’s wonderful!” she squealed as I planted kisses all over her face. “What about the team?”
I stopped turning and then lowered her to the ground. “I can still play,” I choked out, trying to hold back the flood of emotions filling me. I couldn’t believe they weren’t suspending me for the rest of the semester — or worse.
“You can?” She bounced with excitement.
“Yep!”
“Oh, Raven, I’m so happy for you!” She planted a big kiss on my lips, smiling as tears streamed down her cheeks. It didn’t take long for our family and friends to bombard us with hugs and cheers.
“Thank you, Mr. Marshall.” I shook the attorney’s hand. “For everything.”
He palmed me on the back with his other hand. “Don’t worry about it, son. Just stay clean, follow the rules I told you and Lexi about, and use your common sense for Pete’s sake.”
“Yes, sir.” I nodded. “Got them embedded right here.” I tapped my temple.
“We appreciate your help.” Lexi smiled at Mr. Marshall. I knew she didn’t particularly like his mannerisms, but she appreciated what he had done for me.
Mr. Marshall’s eyes softened. “My pleasure. Just keep this boy in line. I need his ass on that field come fall.”
Lexi hooked her arm around my waist and looked me directly in the eyes. “Don’t worry, I will.”
“I know you will.” I kissed her forehead, grateful I had this wonderful woman in my life. “Hey, I think this calls for a celebration!”
“It better be food and sodas.” Mr. Marshall eyed me. “I just got you out of this mess, I don’t need you in another one.”
“Speaking of the mess, is it true? Will Raven remain on the team?” Jenna Presley, PHU’s sports reporter, was stalking me again. Maybe she was hoping for a little more action or information after I ignored her when we left the athletics office.
I shot Mr. Marshall and Steve a glance, hoping they would intervene so I didn’t have to say anything rude to her. Steve turned to Mr. Marshall and he gave him a slight nod. But that didn’t stop Jenna from inching her phone closer to me.
“What were the results from the meeting?” This reporter was persistent.
Steve stepped in front of Jenna, lowering her phone. “If we give you an exclusive press release with some detailed information, privy only to you, will you leave Mr. Davenport alone?”
She placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes. “Will it be different than what is sent to the general media?”
“Yes.” Steve inclined his head.
She kept a straight face, not wavering from her request. “How soon can I get it?”
Mr. Marshall glanced at Steve. “What do you think?”
Steve took some folders from Mr. Marshall and stuffed them into his briefcase. Rolling the sleeves of shirt to his elbows, he replied, “Is two hours sufficient?”
“Yes. That will work.” Jenna’s blue eyes sparkled as she smiled. “Here’s my card with my email address.” She handed it to Steve.
“Thank you, Miss Presley.” He tucked the card in the pocket of his shirt. “I’ll make sure to send it to you.”
“Thank you.” She looked at me and then glared at Lexi before spinning on her heels. I shot Shawn a quick glance and nodded in her direction. He responded with a slight nod. I didn’t have her number any longer, but I could tell him to get it from Steve. Maybe that would keep her busy and out of my business.
“Lunch anyone?” I asked, considering Mr. Marshall’s advice.
“Yeah, I’m starving.” Shawn rubbed his stomach while keeping a keen eye on Jenna.
“You kids go ahead.” Mr. Marshall removed his bowtie and suit jacket. “Steve and I have some catching up to do at the office.” He folded his coat over his forearm and handed Steve his tie. “Raven, I’ll touch base with you later in the week.”
“Okay.” I locked fingers with Lexi and led her toward the stairs.
“Thank you again, Mr. Marshall.” Mom shook his hand as they walked with us. “I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for all that you’ve done.”
“Like I said, no need to.” He gave her a kind smile. “Just take care of your son and keep him on that field. That’s the best way to pay me back.”
“I’m more than happy to do that.” Mom’s voice lifted as she threaded her arm through mine.
We exited the building into the bright sunlight and brisk air. This day had turned out good, despite what the demon voices told me. I was still trying to process everything. I’d definitely be walking a tight rope; any slip-up could land me in hot water and out of the football program and PHU for good.
We decided to eat lunch at a local Italian restaurant. Luke and Delaney said they’d meet us there, but by the way they were flirting with each other, I wasn’t counting on them showing up. Josh and Shelby went and got the car while my mom, Lexi, and I waited.
Mom sat on a nearby bench and motioned for us to join her. I slid next to her and Lexi sat next to me. I reached behind them and drew them together for a hug. “I couldn’t have asked for a better turnout.”
“Me either.” Lexi gave me a quick kiss on the lips.
“Son, I’m really happy for you.” Mom gave me a soothing pat on the leg. “But, I’d like to know what they said. I’m sure they laid down some stipulations.”
I retrieved my arms and bent forward, dropping my hands into my lap. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, but my mom wanted to know the details and Lexi would eventually ask too. Blowing out a deep breath, I decided to get it over with and tell them. “Yeah, they did.”
Mom leaned closer to me. “Well, what did they say?”
Without fail, the voices entered my head again, poking and prodding. I didn’t know why it was so hard for me to accept counseling from a professional — God knew I needed it. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. I wasn’t some weakling who got in a corner and cried when things didn’t go my way. No, I was stronger than that. I shook my leg, trying to calm the rising anger.
“Is everything okay?” Lexi touched my arm. “You don’t have to be afraid or embarrassed to tell us.”
“Please don’t shut us out, Raven. We’re here to support you.” Mom patted my leg repeatedly, but it wasn’t helping.
“I know that,” I bit out, shoving their hands away.
Covering my face with my palms, I leaned forward. Everyone wanted to help me, but no one knew what I was dealing with daily. It wasn’t easy controlling these monsters inside of my head. The only thing I’d learned was to become friends with them and try to beat them at their own game. I wasn’t sure anyone could help me, not even a trained professional.
It was wrong of me to snap at Mom and Lexi and I felt terrible. I loved them and needed their support. Straightening, I sighed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your heads off. It’s not easy admitting to your mom and your girlfriend that you can’t get your shit together without a shrink helping you.”
Lexi pulled me close to her. “It’s okay, Raven, many people—”
“Oh, that’s great, honey,” Mom said, cutting off Lexi, sounding little too happy about my confession. “Do you have to pay for it?”
“What?” Her question caught me off guard.
“Seeing a therapist is very expensive.” She held onto her purse as if one had personally robbed her. “I know.”
My head jutted back at her comment. “What do you mean you know? Have you seen a therapist?”
She stared at the floor, as though embarrassed to admit the truth. “Several times.”
“And did it help?”
She remained silent for a moment. I don’t know why her revelation surprised me, knowing all she’d gone through. The hell she faced with me was enough, not to mention losing a husband.
She shifted in my direction. “It did and it still does. When I have a little extra money, I go see my therapist. She’s helped me deal with my problems.”
I rested against the bench and let out an exhausted breath. My mom didn’t deserve all this shit. Life was so unfair. All I had done was make it harder for her. “You never told me.”
“It’s not something you want to tell your kids, especially when you’re their sole provider and the head of the house.”
My head snapped in her direction. “Then you know how I feel. Being a guy, I should be able to deal with my problems and learn how to overcome them, not have someone solve them for me.”
Mom’s eyes softened in understanding. “But I had to learn that it isn’t a sign of weakness.” She cupped my face with her palm. “Raven, whether you’re a man or a woman, sometimes we aren’t equipped to deal with what life throws at us. It has nothing to do with our determination, but how we learn to deal with those issues.”
“Is that why you’ve tried to get me to seek help before?”
“Yes,” she nodded, tears filling her eyes. “Not because I think you’re weak or a failure... because I knew you weren’t able to do it on your own.” She shook her head and her jaw tightened. “Time and time again, you refused to listen to me, and I knew if you wouldn’t do it on your own terms, it’d be a waste of time.”
Her words resonated within me. Mom was right. I obviously hadn’t learned how to deal with the disappointments in my life and the demons knew it. I had all the determination in the world, just didn’t know how to use it to my advantage. The first rehabilitation, which was more of a drug and alcohol awareness program PHU forced me to attend, was useless. I went in telling myself I didn’t need it and it didn’t apply to me, because I was strong enough to say no. Reality was — I was weaker than I thought.
“That explains why the rehab didn’t work,” I muttered under my breath, feeling my throat tighten. I didn’t want to cry, but the tears dripped from my eyes, releasing the pent up frustration I’d been holding in for some time. There was no one to blame but myself. I might’ve been dealt a shitty hand, but it was up to me how I played the cards. All I’d done was let the house win.
Lexi wrapped her arms around me, holding me tightly. Even after hearing all this, she was supporting me. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve a woman like this, but obviously, I had God’s good favor when it came to her.
Mom wiped my tears away with the wadded up tissue she had in her hand. “Please don’t get mad about what I’m going to say.” I nodded, unable to speak. “If you don’t come to terms with the fact that you need help from a professional, you will continue to battle this for the rest of your life. You’re getting another chance, Raven, to finish your education, to play football — something you love dearly — and you’ve worked too hard not to see that dream come true. If you can just face the fact that you can’t do it on your own, I know the counselor will be able to help.”
I sniffed. My mom wasn’t afraid to tell me the truth. “I know, Mom. I’m trying.”
“Don’t try. Just do it.” She tugged on my chin, giving my face a wake-up call. “Focus all that determination on whatever that therapist recommends, whether it’s advice, recommendations, tactics, or prayers. Because I know you can do it.”
My mom was beginning to sound like Coach Anderson. “I know I can.” I reached for Lexi’s hand and latched on.
Mom wasn’t done lecturing me, though. “Because if you don’t, everything you’ve worked for will be for nothing. There won’t be another chance, Raven.”
“I know. They told me this was it. No more chances. I have to see a counselor weekly and submit to a drug test.” I wiped the tears that continued to release.
“That’s not so bad,” Lexi said, her tone understanding.
“I don’t know about you, but I don’t like someone watching me piss in a cup,” I smirked.
Lexi faltered for a second and then said, “At least it’s just one time.”
Lexi had no idea how this probation thing worked. “It’s weekly. And I’ll also have random Breathalyzer tests.”
Confusion formed across her face. “But you’re not an alcoholic.”
“Tell them that.” I rolled my eyes, pissed that I didn’t ask Mr. Marshall to fight that stipulation. “All they see are the medical reports and assume if I’m drinking, then I’m doing drugs.”
She brushed the lint from the lapel of my suit jacket. “Then you’ll just have to prove them wrong.” Lexi sounded so confident in my ability to follow their rules. I just hoped she was right.
“I know. And don’t worry.” I tucked the hair blowing across her face behind her ear. “I’m not going to let either of you down. I want to do this. I’ll see that therapist and allow them to help me this time.”
I was desperate and ready to get rid of these demons once and for all. It would be tough, but not impossible. I’d go in with an open mind and really try to turn my life around this time. Not only because I wanted to play football, but because I was tired of hurting those I loved. They didn’t deserve to put up with my issues and it was time I really allowed someone to help me. With their assistance, I knew I’d win this fight.
Lexi smiled, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I love you and I’m going to be right here, by your side, every step of the way.”
I wiped her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. “You promise?”
“With all my heart,” she sniffed.
“Good. Because I want you with me.” I rested my forehead to hers. “It’s all or nothing, baby.”
She nodded, tears continuing to drop. “Then you have all of me.”
It was more than I could ask for.
Σ