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Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.
Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up.
~James A. Baldwin
Nearly eight weeks had passed since I’d arrived to the hot, humid, breezeless lands of New Orleans. But it was home to me and it’s where I felt grounded. Even though I had moved to Fort Worth nine years ago, I spent most of my life here in this great town with my mom’s family. It’s what I knew and it’s what I needed.
Every night, I lie in bed, thinking about Lexi. Thinking about calling her and apologizing for being an asshole. But with each passing day, I knew it was too late for that. She didn’t want to hear my pathetic excuses. I’d said them one too many times. But the truth was, I needed her badly — just like a bee needs its hive. I felt lost, buzzing around without a direction. Not knowing where to go or what to do next. My love for her was true and she’d own a piece of my heart forever.
It had taken me a few weeks to pick up the phone and call Dr. Galen. I told him everything that happened — at least through my eyes. I’m sure he already knew some version of the story. But he urged me to talk about it with him and doing so helped, because I’d been holding it in since I arrived to New Orleans. Mimi was good about being supportive, giving me the privacy and space I needed. She never pried or got into my business, just asked if I needed anything.
He made me realize there was no escaping what happened. I might have felt better in another town because I was way from the daily memories, but at some point, I’d have to face them. I didn’t know when that point would be, but for now, I was where I needed to be and handling my issues the best I could. The demons were stronger this time, but I kept my guard up and refused to turn to drugs or alcohol. Instead, I used the tools Dr. Galen continued to teach me. Sometimes they worked; sometimes they didn’t.
He also encouraged me to talk about football with my friends and get back in my game. But I wasn’t ready for that. Although I hadn’t made much progress, I had accepted the fact that my football days were indeed over. Since I didn’t have a cell phone, it was easy to keep my distance from Shawn and Josh. I even refused to talk to them when they called Mimi’s house phone.
The draft had come and gone, and although I was tempted to watch it on TV, I didn’t. I avoided the newspapers and sports radio stations, and since Mimi didn’t have cable or internet, it made it that much easier to keep away from the latest buzz. Although my MacBook made it very tempting to go find the nearest hot spot location, I stayed strong and kept my head focused on trying to heal.
I dashed downstairs when I heard the sounds of the piano filter through the house. For a moment, I wondered if it was Lexi playing, but I sighed in relief when I saw Mimi sitting on the bench. She was playing a song...a very familiar song. Emotions rocked through me as she struck the keys to All of Me. The first song I heard Lexi play. Chills covered my arms and the back of my neck. My throat thickened with the threat of tears, but I swallowed them back.
“Do you like this song?” Mimi asked as her fingers glided up and down the keyboard, playing louder as I neared her. It was as if she knew that song had a special meaning to me.
“Um...yeah, it’s a beautiful song,” I said with a slight sniffle.
“You should call her. It’s graduation day, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my mom to tell her. Part of me was sad that I wasn’t there to celebrate with her, but she probably didn’t want me there anyways...or did she? I wondered if she was thinking about me, like I was thinking about her. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I thought about the day when I snuck her into the Marshalls’ suite at the stadium to have her first beer. How I tried to kiss to her and how she turned me down. I never had a woman keep count of all the reasons they shouldn’t be with me. I bet Lexi was regretting giving in to my trap. Then again, so was I.
I remembered when she wore my jersey to the game and made all the females jealous. I laughed internally. No one would ever replace my Lexi. I think the best part was when we sang Lean On Me to each other. She had promised to be there for me, no matter what. But I didn’t let her. Why was I so damn hardheaded? The monsters in my head quickly reminded me. I didn’t deserve her. Regardless, she’d be a part of me forever, no matter what.
Mimi stopped playing and swiveled around. “Have a seat.” She patted the chair in front of her.
I sat down and took a deep breath. I knew her lecture was coming at some point. I guess this was it. “I know what you’re going to say—”
“You do?” She adjusted her big, round glasses. “If that’s the case, then why haven’t you done what I’m about to tell you?”
I shrugged and stared at the shaggy rug beneath my feet. “I don’t know. I’m just not ready to face the situation.”
She moved closer to me. “Boy, listen to me when I say this. You’ll never be ready. You just have to man up and do it. Face it head on and show it who’s boss. That’s how your Papaw was.” She glanced at the old photo hanging over the mantel of the fireplace. “He never let anything hold him back. If he wanted something, he went for it.” She straightened and smiled.
“I guess that something being you?” I inclined my head, keeping my gaze on her.
Her cheeks reddened and she fanned herself. “Well, yes, of course.”
“He sounds like he was a good man.”
“He was...” she let out a soft sigh. “Too bad he died before you were born.”
“Yeah, too bad.” It seemed like my life would always be void of influential men. I didn’t know my father or grandfather. The one stepfather who was somewhat decent, died before I gave him a chance. This was obviously some family curse we’d been hit with and I think it affected me more than I’d realized.
“Anyhow, if he were here today, he’d tell you if you love this woman, don’t hold back. To go to her, beg for her forgiveness, and promise to be there for her no matter what happens.” Her eyes glossed over and she wiped the area underneath her eyes. “Raven, nothing in life is fair. Life is hard with twists and turns. But you have to trust that God has a bigger plan for you. One you might not understand at the moment. But if you hang in there and do what’s right, then doors that you never thought would open suddenly present themselves and you’re rewarded for all your hard work.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to see those doorways when you’re stuck in the long hallway leading to nowhere.”
“That’s where your faith comes in.” She smiled and patted my leg. “When your Papaw died, it was the hardest thing ever. He left me to raise three young girls and I had no idea how I was going to do it. My mother and father, you’re great-grandparents, were old and sick. Being the oldest, I did what I had to do...worked two jobs, and took care of everyone. And with the help of my brother and sister, we did it. God never gives you anything you can’t handle.”
I twitched my lips to the side. “He must think I can handle a lot of shit.”
A low laugh released, followed by another sniffle. “Oh, Raven, your life is just starting and you have so much to be thankful for.” She grabbed my hand and held on to it. “I know it might be hard to see right now because of what happened at PHU, but trust me, everything will work out in the end. It always does.”
I squeezed her hand. “I pray you’re right, Mimi.”
***
I thought about what my mom, Dr. Galen, and Mimi had said. But even after two weeks, I still couldn’t bring myself to call Lexi. I wanted to see her, talk to her, tell her I still loved her, but I knew she could do so much better than me. I had nothing to offer her. Hell, I couldn’t even apply for admission to another university for at least a year or until Mr. Marshall got the charges dropped. Without a degree, I didn’t have many options.
The damn demons in my head reminded me I was perfect for doing yard work. I tossed the manual hedge trimmers on the ground, went to the porch, and took a drink of water. The hot June sun beat down on my nearly baldhead, burning it despite the sunblock I’d slathered on. I had shaved my head after a night of battling with the monsters. It made me feel better, for a day or so.
The only thing I had to be happy about was the body fat I’d lost and lean muscles I gained. I had no idea what good ole’ fashion yard work could do for the body. Mimi had a big lot with tons of trees and shrubs, which kept me busy. Once her neighbors saw how nice I’d cleaned her yard, they all started paying me to do the same. Before I knew it, I was doing landscaping full-time. It wasn’t the ideal job, and I didn’t plan on doing it forever, but the vigorous work kept my mind off the painful things in life.
I surveyed the street, glad to see it had successfully rebuilt after Hurricane Katrina left it in shambles. I shook my head, not ready to face those painful memories. It had been years, but it was still devastating to me. Picking up the trimmers, I went back to shaping the hedges in front of Mimi’s house. I glanced over my shoulder when I heard a car stop. It was a taxi, which caught me off guard for a minute. Mimi had left early that morning to run errands and visit some friends in a nursing home. I didn’t expect her back until later that evening. I wondered if her car had broken down or something. Then I saw her.
Lexi.
I did a double take, not sure if my eyes were seeing things. My body stiffened as she walked in my direction. Immediately, the voices broke through. Reminding me she had no business coming here. That she was here to tell me off. That she didn’t want me, only wanted to hurt me and cause more problems. Problems I didn’t need. But most of all, that I didn’t deserve her and she was better off without me.
I dropped the hedge trimmers and darted toward her. “What are you doing here?” I leveled her with a hard stare. She took a step back and reached for the taxi door handle, but stopped.
Turning to face me, she said, “I need to tell you something.”
She had a certain glow about her, almost angelic.
“Why didn’t you just call?”
“I would have, but your phone isn’t working.”
Damn it.
“That’s because I turned it off.” I scowled, wishing I had bought a new one. Save her the trip and this encounter with my demons.
She placed her hand on her hip, holding my gaze. “Why did you leave me?”
I knew it! She was there to bitch me out.
My jaw tightened as I spat each word. “That’s what you came here for?”
“Were you that chicken shit that you couldn’t tell me in person?”
She clearly needed to let off some steam and I really wasn’t in the mood to hear it. “Lexi, just go back home.” I waved her off and went back to what I was doing. The voices didn’t let up. Laughing at me. Calling me a chicken shit, just like she had. Not only was I a BIG ASS LOSER, I was a pussy.
I had stolen her precious soul and she was here to let me know she didn’t appreciate it. I had done her so wrong. Torn out her heart and left it to die. Then again, that was what demons did. And they knew how to rule me and destroy everything and anything I loved.
“Why do you keep thinking you’re not good enough for me? I don’t get it.”
“Because I’m not, Lexi.” I huffed a few times and stopped chopping when I realized the shrub was nearly down to the root.
Fuck!
“Can’t you see that? Why do you want to be with a loser like me?” I whirled around and faced her, jabbing a finger in the center of my chest. “I can barely support myself, much less you. And I sure as hell don’t expect for you to support my ass.”
Her face turned cold and she threw her hands up in the air. “Do you really think I’m that shallow? Do you think I’m that money hungry or something? Because if I gave you that impression, I’m sorry. I don’t care what profession you choose, Raven, as long as it’s legit. There are plenty of other occupations aside from football.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, how about landscaping? Looks like you’ve been doing a great job on your grandmother’s house.” She did a quick glance around the yard. “Why not start a business?”
That was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear. My face twisted in disgust. “I don’t want to do this shit for a living.” I threw the trimmers to the ground. “I’m only doing this to help my grandmother, not because I enjoy it.”
“Fine. I’m just giving you an example. But if you love football that much, you should consider the supplemental draft.”
“Wh-what?” I couldn’t believe she was telling me this. Had Shawn or Josh been talking to her? “No one is going to pick me up. No team wants a player with off-field issues, especially not mine.” I laughed hard, rolling my eyes.
“You don’t know that, Raven.”
“Trust me, Lexi. It’s over for me. My football days are long gone. The dream...vanished. Just like that.” I snapped my fingers. “I’m nothing but a washed out, ex-druggy, ex-drunk, who will never amount to anything.” I sighed heavily, feeling somewhat of a release. Grabbing the edge of my shirt, I wiped the sweat from my face.
“Alright. Fine. I can’t force you to do anything. You have to want to make something out of your life. The only thing I can do is encourage you. In fact, that’s all I’ve ever done. I had hoped I was going to be a part of your life, but I see that being away from me hasn’t changed anything.”
Her words were killing me. One at a time. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. She needed to leave. Go back to Fort Worth and the guy who was best for her.
“Lexi, I’m not good for you. Just go back to—”
“Don’t.” Her face turned blood red. “Don’t even say his name.” She stabbed me in the chest with her finger. “My life has been turned upside down because of you. I gave you everything, Raven. All of me.” Tears gushed from her eyes, filling my heart with a deep sadness. “I gave myself to you freely and you just turned your back on me. Like everything we had meant nothing to you. We were engaged to be married! Did that not mean anything to you?” She grabbed a fistful of my shirt and then pushed me away. I took a hard swallow, feeling the guilt consume me. I had been so selfish. Listening to the demons tell me I wasn’t good enough for her when I should’ve been asking her instead. I honestly thought I was doing her a favor by walking out. In reality, all I had done was crush her heart. I was a bigger asshole than I thought.
With a tight throat, stinging nose, and eyes on the verge of crying, I managed to speak. “I’m sorry, Lexi. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Well you did more than that, Raven.” She started to turn around and stopped. “Before I go, there’s something else you need to know.”
“Save it, Lexi. Nothing will change how I am.” If anything, Lexi made me realize I definitely wasn’t worthy of her love.
“You’re impossible,” she huffed. “I just traveled five hundred and thirty-five miles hoping that maybe you still wanted to be with me.”
“Why?”
“Because I haven’t given up on us. And most of all, I haven’t given up on this.” She reached into her purse, pulled out a rectangular piece of paper, and handed it to me.
“What’s this?” I stared at the black and white images, trying to make sense of it. The slight breeze caused the thin, slick paper to waver back and forth. I gripped the edge of it and saw Lexi Thompson’s name on the corner. It was a sonogram. A pregnancy picture. I stopped breathing, my sight blurred. “You-you’re having a baby?”
“Two, actually.”
“Wh-what?” I felt the blood rush from my head and the ground shift under me. It was though an entire defensive line knocked me out. Had I heard her correctly?
“Are you okay?”
“I...I don’t believe this.” The words repeated in my mind. Two, actually. Lexi was pregnant with two babies. Not one, but two. I stared at the fuzzy, distorted images. Was Lexi playing some sort of joke on me? I gazed at her, waiting to see if she was going to start laughing, but her face remained serious. I looked back at the picture. Were these babies really mine? “But you said you had an IUD.”
“I did.” She gave a slight shrug. “It didn’t work.”
It didn’t work! What the hell?
“But that’s its sole purpose! To prevent pregnancy!”
I vowed I’d never let this happen again. When that freshman showed up at my apartment claiming I got her pregnant, I swore I’d never get myself in that predicament again. No...no, this wasn’t happening. I had used condoms. Wait a minute, no I hadn’t. Lexi had an IUD.
“Fu—ck.”
“Don’t worry.” She snatched the slick paper from my hand. “I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted the kids to know who their dad is. I had also kind of hoped you wanted to be a part of their lives. Ya know, since you didn’t know your dad.”
Those words were like a slap to the face. As if I had any control over that. Lexi was playing hardball, throwing fast ones. I took a deep breath an unleashed, unable to hold back. “Fuck you, Lexi. That’s not fair.” I shoved my finger in her face, trying not to touch her. I’d never hit a female before and I definitely wouldn’t hit her, but she had me ready to explode.
She blinked rapidly and her face hardened. “You know what? Life isn’t fair, so fuck you, Raven.” She darted to the taxi and got in, slamming the door behind her.
Shit!
“Lexi! Wait!” I rushed to the taxi and reached for the door handle, but the driver peeled out, nearly ripping my arm off. “Stop! Wait!” I ran as fast as I could. Faster than I’d ever ran before, but they kept driving. I stopped when he turned the corner and I realized I would never be able to catch up to him. I bent over, gripping my knees as my lungs struggled for air. My heart hammered loudly in my ears and thrashed against my chest. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.
“Shit!” I screamed as I kicked the road. Lexi had come to tell me she was pregnant with my babies and all I said was fuck and cuss at her. I didn’t hug or kiss her. Tell her everything would be okay. What if I never saw her again? Never got to see my children? No! I ran my hands over my head, squeezing it. I was the biggest idiot — ever.
I ran back to the house, trying to process what had just happened. I was going to be a father. Mixed emotions flooded in: excited, scared, nervous, and worried. Lexi took off mad, probably thinking I didn’t care. I had said all the wrong things. I had to tell her I loved her and was sorry. This changed everything. If we were having babies, I wanted to be a part of their lives. Most of all, I wanted to be a part of her life.
I loved her.
Every part of her.
Lexi was the only one for me.
She was the only woman who belonged in my trap.
But would she love me again? After all I’d put her through? There was only one way to find out.
I had to stop her from leaving. I had to tell her how I really felt. I was done with the lies the demons fed me. They weren’t going to take Lexi or my children away from me. Like Mimi had said, I needed to man up and show them who’s boss.
If only I had a car. Gripping my waist, I circled the lawn, thinking of my options. I glanced across the street, thinking about asking Mrs. Bouvier if I could borrow her Buick. Where would Lexi be going? Back to the airport, I assumed. Would I be able to find her in that rat maze? I had no idea what airline she was flying or her flight number. But I could try to call her cell phone. Maybe she’d answer.
I dashed for the front door and stopped when I saw her purse by the bushes. She had left it.
Yeah!
I picked it up and opened it. Her wallet and phone were inside. She’d have to come back for it to get through security. I took a few deep breaths and went inside. In a matter of minutes, my world had made a drastic shift. A change for the better — at least, I hoped. I leaned over the kitchen sink and splashed cold water on my face and head.
What would I say? I had to convince her I loved her. That I was willing to do whatever it took to support her and our children. Even if it meant cutting grass and flipping burgers, I’d do it. I would do whatever I had to in order to gain her trust and love back. As long as she was willing to give me another chance. But would she?
I heard a car door shut and tires screech. I threw the hand towel on the counter and rushed to the door. Just as I opened the door, Lexi lunged forward.
“Lexi! Thank, God.” I caught her in my arms. “Why did you leave? I was so worried about you.” I smothered her with kisses, forgetting what I was supposed to say. If I couldn’t tell her how much I loved her, I could show her. I was good at doing that.
Her hands flew to my face as she tried to kiss me. “I thought you didn’t care.” We covered each other’s faces with our lips, unable to stop our affection. The love we shared wasn’t gone; it was still there and stronger than ever. She held me steady, until I pressed my forehead to hers.
“No, baby. I was in shock, that’s all. I’m so sorry.” I connected my sight with hers, praying I’d see that familiar sparkle she had for me. With each blink, the vision became clear. I had captured her heart once more.
“I’m sorry, too.”
Hearing those words comforted me. Only Lexi knew how to do that.
“I love you. I love you so damn much it hurts.” I tried to hide the tears, but I wasn’t strong enough. The woman I loved had come back to me. She was going to love me again. Even though I wasn’t worth it, she was willing to forgive me and give me another chance.
“I love you, too, Raven.” She pressed her lips to mine and I savored her sweetness. Every ounce of it. It was a sweetness I never wanted to be without again. “Not one day has passed that I didn’t think of you. Of us. Of our babies. I never stopped loving you.”
“Oh, baby, I was wrong. So wrong to leave you.” I caressed her soft skin, skimming my hands up and down her arms. Her body called to me, leaving me weak and vulnerable. She was all I needed. “I feel terrible that you’ve been facing this on your own. When did you find out?”
“Four weeks ago,” she whispered across my lips.
“And you had no way of telling me.” I closed my eyes, cursing myself for shutting her out. “I’m such an idiot.”
She cupped my cheek and held my face in the palm of her hand. “Well, you’re my idiot.” She was right about that. I definitely was her idiot, but that was okay. As long as I was hers, it didn’t matter. Tears streaked her face and she sniffed.
I covered her hand with mine and stared intently into her eyes. “Will you ever forgive me?” I was handing over my heart. All she had to do was accept it. I’d love her forever. Do anything she wanted, as long as I could have her.
“It’s not that easy, Raven.” My head fell to my chest. I had celebrated too early. “I don’t want you to take me back just because I’m pregnant. I need to know that you love me, regardless. That you want to be with me, no matter what.” She lifted my chin, reconnecting our gazes. “I can’t keep going through this. You’re breaking my heart and I’m not sure how much more I can take.”
“I promise I won’t hurt you again,” I pleaded with her, trying to make her see and feel my sincerity. “I’ll do whatever it takes, baby. Please, just say you’ll take me back.”
“I want to, Raven, but—”
“But what?”
Had I screwed up one too many times? No! Please don’t say it.
She hesitated for a moment, her eyes filling with more tears. “I’m scared that the next time something bad happens, you’ll walk out that door and not only leave me, but our children.”
I shook my head and took a hard swallow. “No, Lexi. I could never do that to you — to them.” My hand dropped to her stomach and my eyes closed. Tears released and my chest ached. I made a promise right then and there, to never walk out on her or my children — no matter what. I was there to stay.
“But you have, Raven. That’s just it.”
“Then I’m going to have to prove you wrong.” With the pads of my thumbs, I wiped her sorrow away. “These past few months have been hell. And I’ve realized how much I need you... how much I love you.”
“And I need you just as much. Our children need you. But you’ll have to work really hard to prove that to me. Twenty minutes ago, you didn’t want to hear about other kinds of work and now you’re ready to do whatever it takes.” She searched my eyes for the truth and I allowed her to see through them. To my heart, which belonged only to her. I opened my soul to her, determined to tear down every wall and lie the demons helped build. If I was going to be with Lexi, I wanted to be as open and honest as I could be. It was the only way she would be able to trust me.
“I know it sounds crazy, but when I saw you get in that taxi and leave, I thought I’d never see you again. See my children.” I rested my hands on her stomach. “I could never live with myself knowing that I abandoned you and them. So, yes, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. As long as I can be with you and the babies, I’ll do it.”
She straightened and took a deep breath. “I want you to continue the counseling sessions.” My shoulders dropped and I sighed. The sessions definitely helped, but there were conversations that made my days hard as hell. “When you were seeing Dr. Galen, you were doing so much better. You were healing, recovering.”
“I know.” I stared at the floor. If I had to continue seeing Dr. Galen, I would do it for as long as I needed to.
“You need that, Raven.” She lowered her head, trying to see my face. “Our relationship needs it. But most of all, our children are going to need a daddy who can show them what it takes to be strong, to fight back, to persevere through the darkest times.”
She was right. I really had to learn how to control these demons and not let them take over when something didn’t go my way. What kind of father would I be if I couldn’t deal with life issues? Not a good one. Is that what I wanted to teach them?
“Do you think you can do that, Raven?”
I lifted my head. “As long as I’m with you, I can do anything, Lexi.” I threaded my fingers through hers and dropped to my knees. Gathering all my courage, I prayed she’d tell me the answer I was dying to know. “Please tell me you’ll still be my wife. There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be a husband to.” I placed our hands on her stomach and smoothed her shirt over her little belly. “Hi. It’s your long lost dad. But I’m here now and I’m going to take care of you and your mom. I promise to always be there for you, no matter what.” I rested my cheek against her stomach, hoping our new little creations could hear me. I still couldn’t believe I was going to be a father. Of twins!
“Oh, they heard you,” Lexi giggled, rubbing her belly.
I smiled at her as more tears dripped from my eyes. Never had I cried so much before. But these tears were good tears. “That’s because they know who their daddy is.”
“I love you, Raven.” She wrapped her arms around me and I held her close.
“I promise to love you forever, Lexi. Just give me one more chance. Please.”
“Only if you really want my heart. I’m done letting you borrow it. If you really want it, you’re going to have to work for it, and once you have it, you’re going to be stuck with it for the rest of your life.”
“Good, because it’s the only heart I want, aside from our children.” Those words were sweet music to my ears. The only kind Lexi could make. I stood up. “Damn, we’re having twins.”
She laughed. “Yes, in twenty-eight weeks.”
“Do we know what they are?” I rubbed her stomach, eager to see, hear, and hold them. It was amazing how I could love something so much without even seeing it.
“Not yet. But at the next appointment, we should know.”
I grinned. “This is going to be fun.”
She snorted. “Uh, we’ll see. Luke and I were terrible when we were little.”
“I guess that means one thing.” I made a serious face.
“What’s that?” She sniffed.
“You’ll be the one disciplining them.”
She shook her head. “Oh, no, we’re doing it together.”
“And that’s what I love about you.” I lifted my hand, spreading it under her jaw and across her cheek. “I can honestly tell you that there wasn’t a single day that passed where I didn’t think of you. I never stopped loving you.”
“And I never stopped loving you, Raven.”
“So, you’ll still marry me?” I wasn’t giving up.
“Let’s just take this slow, okay? Like I said, you have a lot of proving to do.”
It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no either. I still had a chance and I wasn’t going to blow it. “I know. And I will,” I said with a strong nod. “It was wrong of me to walk out on you like that. I feel terrible. I was so selfish. Not being there for you.” I caressed her stomach. “For our babies.” “Please, Lexi. Just tell me you’ll marry me.” My throat tightened and my eyes watered. “I promise you won’t be disappointed. I’ll be everything you need and more. I’ll do whatever it takes to earn your trust and show I can support us. Just, please, don’t leave me. I need to know you’re on my side.”
She wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Raven, there’s only one side I want to be on.”
With a sniffle and a gut full of hope, I asked, “What side is that?”
“The winning side,” she said with a huge smile.
The End