Brynn’s nerves were dancing as Eli finished gassing up the car. She’d been trying to put on a brave front because Kinsey had been getting quieter and quieter the closer to Bakersfield that they got, going more and more into her own head with every mile.
She hadn’t even sung along to the ’80s rock station Brynn discovered. Who didn’t sing along to “Livin’ on a Prayer” when it was blasted out the window at full volume on a long stretch of highway with no traffic, the wind blowing back your hair? But Kinsey was still pale, almost green, really, and she seemed tense enough to shatter.
“Do you need food, maybe?” Brynn asked her, not sure how she could with the sheer amount of crap food in a bag in her arms. Brynn herself couldn’t have eaten a bite to save her life, but Kinsey nodded.
“Do you want to eat before we go see him?”
“Yes,” Kinsey said, almost gasped, and so quickly that Brynn was bummed she’d made the offer.
“You sure you’ll be able to eat? It might just be nerves, and the only thing that’s going to be able to fix that is going to see him.”
“Doubt that,” Kinsey muttered.
Eli gave her sister a long look, but said nothing. They got back into the car and ended up at a pancake house. “Yeah?” Eli asked Brynn.
“Yeah.” She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss. “Thanks.”
He slid a palm to the nape of her neck and kissed her back.
“Oh my God,” Kinsey muttered, and got out of the car, slamming the door. She strode into the restaurant.
When Eli and Brynn entered, Kinsey was nowhere to be seen.
“I’ll get her,” Brynn said. “You get us a table.” She then walked through the restaurant and checked the bathrooms. No Kinsey. She walked back through the huge place, which wasn’t overly crowded. No Kinsey. And no Eli either.
Then she heard a familiar voice in her sister’s I’m-going-to-kick-ass tone, so she headed that way, finding them in a back corner at a booth facing away from her.
Arguing.
A bad feeling came over Brynn, and she marched over there. “Okay,” she said. “Spill it. Tell me what I’m missing.”
Kinsey looked up, eyes filled with remorse and guilt.
“Goddammit.” Brynn shook her head. “No puppy eyes. I want the truth. All of it. What are you still hiding?”
“Tell her, Kins,” Eli said. “The truth, all of it this time, starting with the fact that you know who he is, and you also know where. She deserves to know.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Kinsey asked. She scrubbed a hand down her face and looked at Brynn. “I have one more secret. I held it too long, and then tried to tell you in the car, but—”
“Don’t blame this on her,” Eli said quietly.
Kinsey closed her eyes. “You’re right. This is all on me.” She opened her eyes again. “Here’s the thing. I . . . love you.”
“Uh-huh,” Brynn said. “Tell me what you’re not telling me or I walk out of here.”
“Harsh,” Kinsey said.
“Love isn’t about being gentle. Or protecting people. It’s about being there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart. Right now, I’m not feeling loved, I’m feeling managed. Mismanaged.”
Kinsey nodded. “I know where our dad is.”
“Yeah. Because I told you.”
“No, I mean I knew before. I’ve . . . always known,” Kinsey said very softly, clearly ashamed of the words.
Brynn stared at her, then Eli, who’d clearly known as well. Gripping her purse, she considered chucking it at them both. But she loved her purse and didn’t want to get it dirty. Besides, the one funny thing was that it wasn’t anger coursing through her veins. Nope. It was hurt and betrayal, and there was nothing she could throw at them that would take away either of those things. “I asked you for one thing. The truth from here on out.”
Kinsey closed her eyes, looking exhausted and sick.
Brynn tried to harden her heart to that. “Did you give him a head’s up that we’re coming? Did the two of you have a great laugh about me butting in?”
Eli shook his head. “That’s not how it was.” He looked at Kinsey. “Tell her.”
“She won’t understand.”
“I understand plenty,” Brynn said. “And you know what? I’ve changed my mind. Don’t tell me. I wouldn’t believe you anyway.” She turned to go. Where she planned on going, she had no idea, but Eli stepped in front of her.
“Give her a minute,” he had the nerve to say to her.
Brynn shook her head. “She’s used up all her minutes with me. The meter’s empty.” She realized it wasn’t just hurt and betrayal pummeling her, but also humiliation. “Do you want to know why I jumped at the chance to live with you guys?”
“Well, ‘jumped’ is a bit of a stretch,” Kinsey muttered.
“Because I wanted to belong. For once. I never have, you know. I’ve got no idea how to be . . . normal.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” Kinsey said, standing now to go nose to nose with her. “You think you’re not normal?” She spread her arms. “You don’t know the meaning of not normal!”
Brynn stared at her, once again feeling like that stupid little kid, alone and scared at summer camp, homesick, and trying to deal with the mean girl. “Why did I think you’d changed? Why the hell didn’t I remember how awful you were?”
Kinsey sighed and deflated like a birthday balloon. “Oh, you remembered,” she said quietly. “I told you I’d changed, and you believed me.”
“Well, that was stupid of me.”
“No, it was hopeful,” Kinsey said. “And I love that about you. You’re always willing to believe the best in people, and I took advantage of that because I wanted you to be in my life so badly.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Brynn asked in disbelief. “You hated that Eli brought me home. You went kicking and screaming into this so-called relationship. You wanted nothing to do with it, or me.”
Eli made a sound low in his throat—regret?—but he didn’t speak. In fact, she realized, he’d stepped back, making sure that this moment was about her and Kinsey, not him. But the look on his face was remorse and sorrow, and if she hadn’t been so upset it’d have actually stolen her breath. But she was upset, devastated actually, so much so that she could hardly even see.
Kinsey looked down at her own shoes, like she needed a moment. They were pretty great shoes: strappy high-heeled sandals in a label Brynn couldn’t afford. Kinsey didn’t have that much more money than her; she just shopped like a pro when Brynn couldn’t be bothered. Brynn preferred the easy route. Kinsey wouldn’t know easy if it hit her in the face.
Her sister looked up then, her eyes suspiciously shiny. Which was odd, because Kinsey didn’t often show her true feelings. “Fine,” she said. “I lied to you. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to never have to do this. But don’t stand there and say you’ve never lied.”
“We made a pact to be honest with each other,” Brynn said.
“No, that was you, not me. I never promised that. I couldn’t have promised that. Because this is bigger than whatever you think of me right now, Brynn. I’m a walking, talking expiration date. Do you realize that? I try to stand back, keep myself distanced so I don’t hurt someone when my time’s up.”
Brynn’s chest tightened unbearably, and hell if her own eyes didn’t well up. “That’s bullshit. People want to love you, Goddammit. It’s not fair of you to hold back from the people you care about when those fears of yours about the future might never happen.”
Kinsey stared at her, shook her head, and turned to Eli. “Talk some sense into her. Tell her.”
He gave a slow shake of his head. “She’s right, Kins.”
Oh, no. Hell no. He didn’t get to side with Brynn now. Taking a big step back from them, she said, “I can’t do this. I came back to Wildstone to . . . heal. I’d been naive. Stupid. And so I made a pact with myself. I would still try to see the best in people, but only until they revealed otherwise, and then poof, I’d be gone. But once again, I failed myself. You lied and I stayed. Twice. So really, this is my fault. I mean, I can’t even remember why I’m doing this, fighting for these relationships. And I sure as hell don’t know why I moved in, or why I wanted to make this work. Coming home was the biggest mistake of my life, and believe me, I’ve made some doozies.” And with that, she turned and started walking.
ELI JUST MANAGED to catch Brynn at the back door of the restaurant, barely. He put a hand over her head on the wood and held it shut with one hand, using his other to turn her to face him.
She leaned back against the door and glared up at him from eyes broadcasting pain and betrayal and a sadness that grabbed him by the throat.
Oh, and fury. So much fury, she almost blew him back from the force of that anger alone.
Which made two of them. Because she was going to walk away like everyone else. She’d just said coming home was her biggest mistake—which clearly included him. She was more concerned about storming out and being mad at Kinsey than dealing with the fact that she was blowing him and her up as well when, as far as he could tell, his only sin had been attempting to stand between someone he considered his sister and the woman he loved. “So what, you’re just going to walk away?”
“Yes.”
“Coming home was your biggest mistake?”
She yanked free. “I need to be alone. I’m tired of this fight.”
“You’re not even in this fight.”
“I am,” she said. “I’m totally in it.”
“Babe, you’re not even in the ring.”
That must’ve been true because she wouldn’t even look at him. “Let me go.”
“Brynn—”
“Good-bye, Eli,” she said, then whirled and slipped out the door.
Gone.
He stood there, his hand on the door, not even sure what the hell had just happened. Then he slowly turned back to Kinsey.
She raised her hand for a waitress. “I’d like the special, please.”
A waitress hurried over. “The double-double pancake special, the triple-triple pancake special, or the quadruple?”
“Yes,” Kinsey said.
The waitress looked at Eli.
“Nothing for me.”
“You used to be in my corner,” Kinsey said when they were alone.
“I’m always in your corner. But not even you can make me choose between you two. I love her.”
Kinsey dropped her head to the table. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry I ruined it for all of us.”
“It wasn’t all you,” he said, looking at the door where Brynn had gone. “Each of us made some questionable choices.”
“Think she’s coming back?”
“No.”
Kinsey nodded. “Which probably makes her the smart one.”
That might be true, but it didn’t make the hole in his heart that she’d left in her wake any easier to take.
KINSEY WAS SITTING on a bench outside the restaurant, waiting for Eli who was paying for the food they’d not eaten—and hopefully leaving the waitress a big, fat tip—and frustrated.
Brynn had vanished.
Well, not completely, because Kinsey had that stupid Find Your People app now, so she and Eli had opened it and stared at the screen.
Brynn had gotten into either an Uber or a Lyft, and was heading for their dad’s place. When the phone in Kinsey’s hand rang, she jumped and looked hopefully at her screen.
Not Brynn. But her heart still took a big old leap.
Her Biggest Regret was calling.
She stared at the screen before she answered. “Deck.”
“You called.”
His voice. God, that low, gruff voice. “I did,” she admitted.
“Then you hung up on me. And didn’t answer your phone.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “Yeah.”
Out of all the things he could have said, what came out of his mouth both surprised her and warmed her cold, dead heart.
“Are you okay?”
God. Even now, when she’d screwed up so badly, he cared. “No,” she whispered.
Someone sat next to her, and she lifted her head to glare at them, but instead she stopped breathing.
It was Deck, still holding his phone to his ear, just looking at her.
“How did you find me?”
“Your sister.” He pulled his phone from his ear, hit disconnect, and waited as she did the same. “Why did you call me, Kins?”
Tell him. Don’t blow it with him like you did with Brynn. Get something good in your life. “Because I was wrong.”
“About . . . ?” he asked.
Okay, he wasn’t going to make this easy, and she got that. “I was wrong to push you away, wrong to let you think I didn’t have feelings, deep feelings, for you.”
“So why did you?”
“Because I couldn’t admit I was scared.” She took a breath. “Scared to be alone. Scared to blow it. Scared to face my questionable future.” She paused and met his gaze. “Scared to admit the things I feel for you.”
“Newsflash, babe. You’re going to face the medical shit whether you like it or not. And you are alone. You did blow it. Because I’d have been there with you if you’d let me. Every step of the way.”
“I know.” She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a coward.”
He lifted her chin with a finger and waited until she looked at him. “You’re anything but a coward, Kinsey. You’re one of the bravest women I’ve ever known.”
Her throat tightened. “But I’m not normal.”
“Look at me. Do I look normal? Do I look like I want normal?”
“But I’ll never be the woman standing at the door waiting for you at the end of the day wearing heels and pearls. I mean, unless we’re playing some kinky sex game.”
He snorted. “I’m putting that into the queue. Also, you’ve been watching old sitcom reruns again.”
She lifted a shoulder, and he bumped his broad-as-a-mountain shoulder to hers. “All I want is for you to do you, and let me be a part of your life while you’re doing it.”
“You said you wanted more.”
“Yes,” he said. “More being more you in my life. More you sharing yourself. Letting me in.”
“I want that too.”
His eyes never wavered from hers as he took a beat. “Why now, after all this time?”
Fair question. “Because I’m slower than most when it comes to matters of the heart? I think I’m getting caught up though.”
He didn’t smile, didn’t move a muscle. “I was starting to think maybe I was wrong on how you felt about me.”
“Yeah,” she said, not proud of this. “I’m pretty good at evading, misdirecting, and avoiding the truth.”
“You mean lying.”
She had to take a deep breath. “Yes. That.”
“So my question stands. Why now?”
Get this right, Kins, or lose him forever. “People don’t . . . see me. Not all of me anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
She shook her head, trying desperately to find the words. “You’re the kind of person who walks into a room and everyone notices you.”
“Yeah, because I’m as tall as the green giant and covered in tats. It’s hard to miss me.”
“That’s not it,” she said. “You change the light, you change the energy, without even knowing you do it. But someone like me walks into a room and no one . . . sees me. You’re so much more than me, Deck. You could do a lot better.”
He stared her, and finally shook his head. “The first time I saw you was in the ER. You’d collapsed from dehydration from the flu. It was two in the morning and you were trying to tell the on-call doctor about your medical history and he wasn’t listening. You got up off your cot, hospital gown flapping open as you laid into him about patient rights and the skill of listening.” He smiled. “That doctor was an asshole, and I fell in love with you right then and there. I saw you then, and I’ve seen you every second since. Now say ‘Why, Deck?’”
“Why, Deck?” she whispered.
“Because Kinsey Teresa Davis, you light up my life.”
She blinked. “That’s a song. A very old song. And if you say it again, it’s going to get stuck in my head.”
“You light up my life.”
“Oh my God,” she said, but inside she was thinking, Oh my God . . .
“Need me to say it another way? You had me at hello.”
She fought a half-hysterical laugh. “I never said hello to you that night.”
“I know.” He smiled as if the memory were precious. “You said, ‘What the hell are you staring at? Never seen a girl’s ass before?’”
Another laugh bubbled out of her. “And you said, ‘Oh yeah, I have. What I haven’t seen before is a woman so beautifully unafraid to speak her mind.’”
He nodded and then his smile faded. “I never knew you felt that way. That you don’t feel seen.”
“People who know me see my disease. People who don’t know me just see a cold, unreachable woman.”
He smiled. “You like that though.”
She managed a small smile in return. “Yeah. Like I said, good at misdirecting.”
He ran a thumb along her jaw. “What is it? Something’s still wrong.”
“You’re not the only one I blew it with.”
“Brynn?”
She nodded.
“She found out you knew where your dad was before you told her yourself,” he guessed.
“Just like you said would happen.”
Not one to say “I told you so,” he shrugged. “So go fix it.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Family is family. You can be annoyed, irritated as hell, fight with them . . . whatever you want, but you don’t just let them go.”
She stared up into his face, cupping his jaw in her hands. “How did you get so wise?”
“The love of a good woman.”
She sucked in a breath. He meant her. He thought she was good for him. He thought he loved her. So who was she to argue with him? “I thought it was only sex with us,” she admitted. “But it turns out, that’s just how you hooked me.”
He snorted.
“I mean it,” she said. “With you there’s an emotional, intimate connection that scares the shit out of me. But . . . it’s what makes it impossible to walk away from you.”
“And yet you managed,” he said lightly.
“No, I didn’t. I tried, believe me I tried, but I couldn’t.” She turned to fully face him, meeting those warm, dark eyes. “I need you in my life, Deck. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. And I get that you might not even want to take another chance on me, but if I don’t at least try to fix what I messed up, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. And I don’t know how long that might be, but—”
He kissed her softly, then not so softly, pulled back and pressed his forehead to hers. Given the look in his eyes, she figured he was about to say something incredibly sweet.
“Did that hurt?” he asked.
She laughed.
He watched her like she was the best thing he’d ever seen. Clearly not caring that they were on a public bench outside a pancake house in Bakersfield—which by the way looked a little bit like Mars and was hotter than hell—he hauled her onto his lap. “You called me,” he said. “Do you know what that means?” He cupped her face and made her look at him. “It means you want me in your life. You’ve known for a long time that I love you,” he said seriously. “I’m keeping you now, Kinsey. No take backs.”
Her heart was pounding in her chest as she slid her hands into his hair. “No take backs.”
His eyes were still very serious as he raised his hand to touch her cheek. “A long time,” he repeated, softer now.
She let that soak in. Love had never done much for her except hurt. She’d always believed that that was what love was, a way to hurt someone. “What if I die?”
“You do realize you’re not the only mortal here, right? I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.”
“Deck.”
“Or you could dump me and rip my heart out. Again. Either way, we could lose each other. But why are you wasting what time we do have? I know you love me back, Kins.”
She nodded slowly. “I do. I love you, Deck. I love you so much.”
His breath whooshed out. “I’ve always known you’d walk when things got too heavy, that you’d push me away, especially if your health took a turn for the worse. That you’d steal time away from me. But when it happened, it still nearly killed me.”
“You still might lose me,” she said. “But I can promise you, it won’t be because I choose to walk away. Not ever again.”
This time it was the six-foot-five tough guy whose eyes went shiny. “Forever then,” he whispered against her mouth.
“Or for as long as you’ll have me.”
“Forever,” he repeated. He met her gaze, fingers in her hair. “But I know you, babe. We can’t do this, we can’t do us, until you do what you’ve gotta do with Brynn.”
That he so thoroughly understood her brought tears to her eyes. “I know. I’m going to try to fix that. And then Eli. And then you and me. But that does not make you my third priority.”
“I know. And we’re already fixed, babe. Go do what you have to do. I’ll be there when you’re done.”
The words he didn’t say, didn’t have to say, were that he always would.