Joyce wandered around Kede’s suite, fingers trailing over the gray padded walls. Nothing had changed in the time they’d been apart. His rooms were still sterile and drab, still exactly like hers.
The temporary command desk in the corner remained and he now sat behind the table, display screens projecting above the smooth surface. She still had trouble reading Doshan, but she recognized a few words here and there. At least enough to know security now hunted for the missing males. At the same time, systems engineers were hunting for the flare’s destination while also scanning for other devices on the ship. There was another message from security…
“Joyce?” Kede’s question snapped her out of her concentration. She hadn’t even realized she’d been staring so intently. “Do you need something?”
Freedom. Safety. Happiness.
Instead of putting voice to her thoughts, she shook her head and gave him a small, forced smile. “No. I’m fine.”
He frowned. “I don’t believe you are. I have been reading about Terran females and…”
Joyce groaned. “No more reading. None. I’ve had enough of reading Doshan males today.”
His frowned deepened. “I do not understand.”
She could tell, so she explained the male and dating and something about ancient texts.
“I… see.”
Yeah, she just bet.
A soft tone filled the room, one that indicated yet another message from his staff, and then Kede was back to his screens.
His murmurs that acted as soft background noise slowly rose in volume until he was growling and snarling words her implant couldn’t translate.
Couldn’t or wouldn’t?
If it were a Terran male snarling, she would swear he was raining a million different curses down on the caller.
She should ask Resane if they could add Doshan curse words to her implant. Or if he could at least teach some to her. She couldn’t exactly cuss out her next potential suitor if she didn’t know how.
Calling a guy an asshole wasn’t as satisfying if he didn’t understand the word.
Joyce stared at him from the corner of her eye, watching the way his tanned skin paled more and more as the seconds passed. Something upset him. No, not just upset. This was pure rage. It almost neared the anger he’d shown right before calling for that Kerosa thing in the dining hall.
She mentally shook her head. She shouldn’t call it a “Kerosa thing.” Now that it’d been explained, she looked at it from the perspective of a Doshan woman and realized he’d given her the highest honor.
As a Terran, the display was barbaric and pointless. If a Terran woman was pissed at a man for disrespecting her, a hard knee to the balls took care of things. Okay, truthfully, she’d never done that, but conceptually, it was an option.
Doshans never allowed their women to get near males who weren’t family members or their mates. Allowances were made for Joyce due to being on a ship, but the insults were not something that was tolerated.
She’d been informed that Kede had deemed they were not to be tolerated toward any female. Any. So, when they were hurled at Joyce, he’d reacted as he would for other Doshan females. Whip fast and deadly.
If the thought that a few words could end in death didn’t disgust her, she would have gotten a warm and fuzzy feeling.
Today’s events were so much more than an insult or two. She knew that.
Someone, apparently several someones, wanted Joyce off the Vehly.
The flare on her soiled clothing wasn’t the first flare that’d gotten close to her.
The bitch Martins.
The clumsy engineering tech turned medico.
The Kerosa challenger who disappeared before Kede’s killing blow.
Twelve men were in medical before the flare was activated. Eight remained once it’d done its job.
A shudder went down her spine. Where would she have ended up? With whom?
How long would it have been before she died?
The questions frightened her just as much as the answers.
“Joyce?” His murmur was close, too close, and she jerked and released a small scream.
She spun to face Kede, a load of adrenaline pouring into her with the fright. “Wha—”
He immediately backed away, hands raised and palms exposed to her, showing he was no threat. He remained silent, which allowed her to catch her breath and calm her heart.
“So-Sorry.” She cleared her throat, pushing away her embarrassment. “Sorry.”
“There is no reason to apologize, my… Joyce.”
She knew he wanted to say “my harae.” She appreciated that he attempted to keep the impulse at bay.
Words did not a relationship make.
Another deep breath had her heart slowing to near normal and she lowered her hand. “I just wasn’t expecting you.”
“It is my failing, not yours. I forget that you endured a lot mere hours ago. I see you as such a strong female that I forget you are not one of my warriors. You cannot simply brush off such an incident.” His shoulders slumped. “I am a warrior and I have always been surrounded by warriors. I never thought to encounter a female in such a way. I will remember in the future.”
Joyce tilted her head to the side, brow furrowed. “But you’ve been involved in several Kerosas. Isn’t that usually about…”
A female.
Kede grimaced. “I am the Holder of my House. It is my honor and privilege to defend the females of my house.”
“But you’ve never been around women? How?”
“I…” He shot her a suspicious look. “You truly wish to know?”
She supposed she deserved that. She’d done everything she could to get away from him.
“Yes,” she nodded, “I would.”
She was part of the Doshan people now. Understanding would help her adapt to her new place. To her new… species.
That was such a bizarre thought.
“I am a warrior.” He tore his attention from her and stared at the wall, gaze locked on the gray surface. “Warriors do not… They travel on starships to defend our people. Their devotion is to Dosha. That means being away from our home planet for many, many turnings. Our females…” He sighed and returned his attention to her. “Our females do not choose warriors for mates. We are acceptable to defend their honor and battle on their behalf, but we are not worthy of joining with them.”
Shock filled her. It speared her heart and sank into her bones. “You can die for them, but they won’t consider loving you? What about sisters? Cousins? Your parents?”
Kede snorted, the action so like a Terran. “Why love a warrior when they will leave you through death and destiny?”
Joyce staggered beneath the emotion filling those words. “Dear God, what kind of person did you turn me into? I have to live with these people? Watch them treat you this way, treat your warriors this way?” She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“Do Terrans not treat their military in the same manner? I have seen the old vids. Males, even females, do battle and others turn their backs on them when they return.”
Joyce knew what he was talking about. “I’d like to think that was in our past. There are those who disagree with what the militaries do, but it’s more about the decisions made by our government, not the individuals themselves. Even then, the men and women aren’t shunned by our entire planet.
“Protestors, people who disagree, treat our military with disrespect, but there are so many more who celebrate the sacrifice they make on our behalf. There is always discontent, there will always be those who have differing opinions.” Pain speared her. “I wouldn’t turn my back on a man just because I may lose him to battle someday.
“From the moment we’re born, we’re dying. Today, tomorrow, a hundred years from now. No one knows when it will happen, but it will. So I shouldn’t mate a male because he’ll die someday?”
She took a moment to gather her thoughts, to voice her opinion in a way that didn’t sound like an outright insult. And she came up blank. “That’s really, really fucked up.”
That was why she would never make a good ambassador. Ever.
“It is as it has always been.” So matter of fact, so flat and unemotional.
Silence wrapped around them, invading his rooms and blanketing them in the oppressive weight. It wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t soothing. It was suffocating.
And as she fought for air, as she battled to move past the quiet, a new thought came to her. These handful of sentences explained so, so much.
“Tell me something.” He raised his eyebrows and she took that as permission to continue. “Why did you try to claim me as your harae? Did you see me and think ‘eh, she’ll do’?”
Kede paled and swallowed hard, eyes widening a fraction. The stillness continued and she wondered if he’d truly answer. And then he finally said, “It is not so simple a question. There are… I did not choose you so easily and if you feel that way, then I have failed you.”
“Then explain it to me. Tell me why you took me from Terra, why you’ve done anything since you brought me aboard.” She stared at him, imploring with her gaze. “So many things have been kept from me, Kede. Resane has taught me a lot, but this… he can’t tell me why I’m here and why you made the decisions you did. Only you can.”
She might have reacted so differently if she knew his motivations. If she’d been given knowledge, dammit.
Kede went back to staring at the wall, back to avoiding her gaze. “I… Very well.” He jerked his head in a brisk nod. “It is almost mealtime. Let me order us nourishment and then I shall tell you what you wish to know.” When he returned his attention to her, his mis-matched eyes blazed with bright emotion and glowing color. “I shall answer any question you pose.”
She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.
The food did not take long to arrive. Yare was now the only male permitted near Joyce’s food while Resane and Hassee were able to attend and socialize with her. All others were ordered to steer clear. While many grumbled about his directive days ago, they now were all in favor of his measures.
Word spread. A Doshan male attempted to kidnap a Doshan female.
Kede’s instructions also included wording that indicated this was not the first attempt.
Now the ship was intent on following every command when it came to Joyce. They were also on the hunt for the four males who’d harmed, or intended to harm, her. Woe to the men caught by anyone other than Kede and his trusted friends for they would not live past their next breath when discovered.
Kede could not regret the loss. Or rather, he would be saddened to not strike the killing blow himself. However, a male sent to the darkness was still in the darkness, Kede’s blade or no.
Yare urged the cart toward Kede, but hovered in the doorway, not entering his private quarters. Good, the male valued his life and Kede was too on edge with Joyce’s recent brush with death and disappearance.
His friend kept his voice low, not drawing Joyce’s attention. “Will you share her condition with the crew? Your warriors are concerned.”
Kede mentally shook his head. His warriors were concerned. When had he ever heard of a warrior worrying over another?
Never.
Though they had probably never been granted close access to a female before, either. Especially not one such as Joyce.
He nodded and then paused. Had Joyce not complained of having no control over her life? Even Doshan females were allowed those freedoms. At times her family or harau overruled her choices, but that was due to safety and nothing more.
“Joyce?” He raised his voice slightly, drawing her attention, and her face flared to life when she spied Yare.
Jealousy rose hot and fast, but he pushed it down. She had spent many hours with the male, speaking with him and sharing their lives. He resented the male while he hated himself.
Would he have earned her trust and caring had he spent more time with her? Learned of her? Exchanged words that did not include the term “mate?”
Yes, he knew the answer was yes.
For while Yare seemed to appreciate Joyce’s beauty, the male did not appear to be wooing her to his side like so many other warriors wished to do.
Joyce took a step toward him, the smile still in place. “Yare?” Her attention strayed to him, her eyebrows raised.
He recognized she was silently asking for permission.
“Come,” he tilted his head. “Yare brought our food, but the warriors have asked after you. He will carry your words.”
His Joyce—his whether she had yet to agree—padded closer, but she did not crowd toward Yare. No, she remained at Kede’s side, mere inches separating their bodies. Her heat warmed him while her closeness eased some of the tightening in his heart.
It was not a move made consciously, he knew that, but it lifted his soul from the darkness.
“Are you okay? Were many hurt?” Her question was timid and another part of him broke off and went into her keeping. “I’m so sorry I ran, I just…”
She cared for them even though their actions caused her injury.
“You did what was right, Mistress Enner,” Yare shook his head. “The males were intent on destroying each other and you would have fallen beneath them.”
Kede squeezed his hand into a tight fist. The mere idea that she could have been injured…
Joyce released a sigh and he recognized the annoyance in the long exhale. “Are we back to mistress? Not Joyce?”
Yare’s gaze flicked to Kede and then back on the female. Her friend—for Yare was nothing more than her friend, he knew that—treated her differently due to his presence. Which was how it should be when a Doshan female was in the presence of her protector. In reality, males should always respect the female, but Joyce spent many turnings being treated as a Terran and with her change in species, she had not required any change in her treatment.
For all her Doshan genes, Joyce encouraged his warriors to treat her as a Terran. Kede wasn’t sure how to resolve the differences, but the most important item was that Joyce be comfortable. If that meant she would be called by her first name with other males then… Kede would adjust.
“If that is her wish, Yare. You should do as she asks if you are comfortable referring to her as such.” He tilted his head toward his friend. He would meet Joyce’s needs even if they deviated from all he knew.
“Joyce, then.”
“What about you?”
Yare frowned and Kede mirrored the movement. He had been so worried over his harae, he had not thought to ask about his boyhood friend.
“Yare?” Kede prodded when the male did not reply.
“It was nothing time in the biobed could not heal.”
Joyce paled—worry coating her face—and he was ready to send Yare back to the biobed. “You…”
She reached for the male as if to touch him and she froze mid-movement, gaze colliding with his. He damned himself for his actions causing her to second-guess herself.
He slid his hand to her lower back, and gently applied pressure. “There are no restrictions on you, Joyce. If it is your wish,” he gestured toward Yare.
All the while, he fought his instincts to shove the male away from her.
Joyce nibbled her lower lip and he struggled with the urge to tug it free and brush away the ache she caused herself. Lip still captured, she edged closer to the male, her friend, and slipped her hand into his. “What happened?”
“Commander?” Yare’s panicked gaze met his.
“Whatever makes her comfortable and if you have no objection.” He reiterated his statement. She would be denied nothing any longer. If the truth somehow injured her emotions, he would seek to soothe her, but she would receive the truth.
“Just a few broken bones, Joyce.” Yare gently tightened his fingers around hers and then pulled free of her grasp. Good. While Kede wanted Joyce to be treated as she desired, he did not want to have to kill his friends for touching her for too long. “It was mostly in an attempt to subdue a few of the males intent on following you.”
He kept his gaze centered on her features and gritted his teeth when her eyes filled with moisture. She was getting ready to leak again. No, cry. Joyce repeatedly told him the Terrans called it crying.
“And the others? I don’t understand why…” She turned her attention to Kede and he helplessly watched as a single tear slid over her cheek.
“I’m sure the first male felt he was defending you,” he murmured. “Warriors do not need many reasons to fight, but a female in danger or in need of defense will bring those desires forward. Two males engaging in unstructured battle would inevitably lead to more.”
It was why the Kerosa was created in ancient times. Otherwise, the warriors would have overrun the cities with their battles.
Joyce brushed the single tear away and sniffled before returning her attention to Yare. “Please tell them I’m fine. It was nothing more than a few bruises and those came from that one male.” She looked to him, question in her gaze. “And security is still searching for him.”
“Yes.” He jerked his head in a quick nod.
“But otherwise I’m good. Resane took care of me right away.”
Yare nodded. “They are angry at themselves for allowing you to be hurt.”
“Tell them not to be. I was scared I’d be hurt and afraid of you all fighting, but no one in the dining hall injured me. Truly. I would rather they concentrate on finding the missing males and keeping the ship running than a sprained ankle or bruises.”
Yare mouthed the word as did Kede. “What is this s-rained?”
Joyce sighed and rolled her eyes. “I twisted my ankle when I jumped. The point is, tell them I’m fully recovered and I thank them for asking.”
The moment the last word left her mouth, she yawned wide, showing her exhaustion even if she refused to admit it to herself.
“Thank you, Joyce.” Yare snared her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Kede nearly called for a Kerosa and demanded Yare’s head for his wall.
But he did not.
It would upset Joyce.
Yare released her and pressed his fist to his heart. “Commander.”
With that final salute, the male retreated and the panel slid shut behind him, leaving Kede and Joyce alone once again. He grabbed the handle of the tray and pushed it a few inches.
“Come, let us eat and I shall tell you all you wish to know. If you ask what I cannot answer, we will discover it together with the help of the ship.” His words were as good as a vow.
She did not argue with his suggestion and merely padded toward his small eating area, sliding onto one of the chairs while he placed their food on the smooth surface. It did not take long. Kede had simple tastes and he knew—through Yare—that Joyce was the same. She had one or two favorite Terran dishes and the same number of Doshan delicacies.
Food spread before them, they lapsed into comfortable silence as they filled their bellies. He liked watching Joyce eat. Enjoyed the way she gathered small bits of each item on her plate and ate them at once. Though she seemed to leave her helping of loshee untouched. He had requested Yare provide only items she enjoyed.
Kede gestured with his fork. “You do not enjoy loshee? Yare indicated it was one of your favorite Doshan foods.”
Joyce went back to nibbling her lower lip. “I do, but… it’s…” She wrinkled her nose and a slight blush tinged her cheeks. “Well, Doshans don’t really have dessert,” she shrugged. “And it’s mine. So it goes last.”
“Explain this dessert.”
“It’s usually something sweet. A treat that you don’t eat all the time. It’s usually eaten after you’ve finished with your meal. Loshee is like Terran cheesecake. I love it, but I have to eat everything else before I let myself eat it all.” Joyce rubbed her stomach, drawing his attention to her lush softness. “Otherwise, I’d live on loshee alone.”
“Only after meals? And it is something you desire above all else?”
Joyce nodded. “Occasionally people have dessert first, but yeah, basically after meals. And cheesecake?” She hummed. “Yeah, sometimes I do desire it above all else.”
Kede nodded, rolling her words through his mind until he finally understood. “I see. So you are my dessert, and I would eat you at the beginning of every meal. Perhaps this is how I have failed. I did not express myself correctly.” He stared at her, hoping she could see inside his warrior’s heart. “I value you above your cheesecake, my harae.”
Joyce wasn’t sure how the hell to respond to that. Like… what? Just, what?
She knew “gee thanks” probably wasn’t the right response, but she didn’t know what the correct one was.
Assuming he wasn’t kidding around, she followed his statement with further explanation. If the food analogy worked for him, then they’d play it out.
“Um, okay. Well,” she hedged. “I love cheesecake, but I wouldn’t just find a piece lying around and take it for myself. The cheesecake could belong to someone. It could have a house or friends or even pets.”
Kede mouthed the word pets. “I will have to research this pets. Is that something a cheesecake would normally have? I admit to not knowing much of dessert or cheesecake.”
Obviously analogies weren’t the way to go.
Bright light save her.
Joyce pushed her plate away, leaving the loshee untouched. Depending on how their conversation went, she’d either want to cry into her dessert or celebrate by chowing it down. Either way, it was necessary to have on hand for later.
“Okay, let’s go back to when we met. Why did you pick me up? Why did you ‘choose’ me?”
“How could I not?”
Joyce gave him a blank look. “It’s pretty easy. You merely keep on walking. Or you don’t stand in the middle of a walkway.”
“No, you misunderstand. I saw you, I touched you. I could not not choose you. I… wanted you more than anything I have ever wanted in my life.” His serious, mis-matched gaze met hers and an emotion she couldn’t identify lurked within his eyes. “I have always thought it would be nice to have a harae even though I knew it could not happen. A mate,” he shook his head. “It was a dream. But then I saw you, I touched you, and knew what it was to crave another. I have never hated my status as a warrior. Even when my mother’s eyes no longer met mine or when the females in my family shied from my attention. Nor when other Doshan females kept their distance.”
He clenched his jaw, as if the memories hurt, and she fought the urge to hold his hand and tell him those bitches didn’t matter. “When I laid my hand on your skin, I hated myself, Joyce. I hated my birthright and light help me, I hated the bright light itself for making me a warrior. Then Hassee made me choose and I chose you.” Kede’s eyes drifted shut, from fatigue? Or shame? Or both?
“I chose you and didn’t think of the consequences. I made mistake after mistake, my—Joyce. I can never apologize enough for the damage I caused and I do not believe there is a way I can ever atone for my errors.” He opened his eyes to stare at her once again. “Tell me how to earn your forgiveness and I shall do whatever you desire.”
It was Joyce’s turn to shut Kede out of her vision. She really didn’t care to be treated like an object nor did she like the silences and secrets, but dear God—bright light, whatever—how could she fault a man who’d been denied for so long. Okay, she could fault him then. But now that she knew him as a man, leader, and protector… The Doshans put so many limitations on their warriors. Kede saw a way to make himself happy while doing his duty to choose a female. His actions were clumsy and went against protocol, but if a man dying of thirst is presented with a hundred glasses of water and told to choose one, he wouldn’t care about the circumstances. He just wanted to drink.
Of course, Joyce was a walking, talking, very fluffy glass of water.
She released some of her resentment, some of the anger she’d clutched like a soothing blanket over the last several weeks. Holding it tightly hadn’t solved any of her problems. Neither had retaining the distance between herself and Kede. When all was said and done, she was a Doshan female. Her old life was gone. Now she needed to focus on making a new one.
Joyce slowly rose to her feet and eased away from the table, holding back a small chuckle when Kede fought to do the same. The panic on his features would have been comical had the situation not been so serious. She was making a decision and years from now she’d look back at this time and point to this very moment.
This was the turning point in Joyce Enner’s life. Not when she was taken aboard the Vehly, or when healed for the first time. Not even when she received her implant or when Martins tried to kidnap her.
Of course, being turned into a Doshan was a big blip on life’s radar. Plus, there was the recent drama. But things were about to change for her. Whether it was good or bad, she didn’t know.
Joyce slowly extended her hand toward Kede and he stared as if it were a deadly snake. She wiggled her fingers. “Hold my hand.”
Still watching her, his gaze flicking from her face to her arm and back again, he slowly wrapped his fingers around hers. She gently raised and lowered their conjoined hands in a gentle handshake.
“Hi, my name is Joyce Enner. I used to be Terran but I’m Doshan now. I miss my plants, but living on the Vehly is neat. I met this guy down on Terra and he brought me here. I thought he was kinda hot before things blew up and got all dramatic. Maybe he and I can spend some time together with a little less pain and intrigue and a little more talking. Maybe the occasional kiss.”
Kede’s eyes shifted from suspicious to wary and then finally a hint of a smile lingered on his lips. When she mentioned kissing, his eyes turned molten and seductive.
“I know of kissing.”
So like a man. Doshan or Terran, they had their minds on whatever would get them to the finish line. Shit. She wondered if he was a virgin. She so didn’t want to try and initiate a big, hulking, six-plus feet of male into the art of lovemaking.
She pushed the worry aside. It wasn’t like they were going to get down and dirty tomorrow. They could figure that out later. For now, she had to deal with the kiss-crazed man in front of her.
“I bet you do,” she drawled. “Let’s start with talking about things other than why I’m mad and what information I’m missing. We can go from there.”
Another frown. She wondered if he ever did anything else.
“There is much you should know. Things are happening and there are steps we must complete so you are protected. There is more than the attempts on your life.”
“More than the attempts on my life? More?” She sighed and dropped her head back so she could stare at the gray ceiling. She should see if the systems could replicate paint. She wasn’t really a painter, but anything was better than gray.
At this point, even baby-shit green was better.
“Yes, I must explain the Houses and markings.” He stared at their joined hands and she did the same.
He was so strong, so large, his hand encompassing hers without any effort. Yet he was gentle, holding her with hardly any pressure. His gaze remained intent on where they touched and finally he focused on her. “I wish to sit and speak with you, but I do not want to release you. It is…” He licked his lips and she noted the slight tremble that vibrated through her hand. “I shall be honest.” He stood straight, chest forward and shoulders back as if he presented himself for inspection. “It is the first time you have touched me without force. I do not wish to lose your touch.”
It wasn’t sweet, whispered words that rang hollow in her ears. No, she’d had enough of that on Terra. This was straightforward and to the point. No subterfuge.
And she liked that. A lot. Even if it was stilted and awkward.
“Then you won’t.” She tightened her fingers and gently tugged on him. “Grab the loshee and we’ll sit on your couch.”
Like all other Terran terms, he mouthed the word as if committing it to memory for future use. He did not repeat it aloud. No, he was too busy grabbing her loshee and doing as she asked.
Hand in hand, they walked to his couch and settled on the soft surface to share her dessert. She’d been right to leave it untouched. Because, well, this was a celebration of sorts.