Going back to Kate’s house in the hills for a few days had been a good idea. It gave them all the time they needed to absorb the past week. Nick and Kate needed the time together, and with Tygue. He was whole again, and at peace. He was quiet for the first day, sitting outside with the teddy bear he’d gotten from Tom. But he wasn’t unhappy, only pensive.
Kate looked down at her son as they sat in the sunshine the second day. Nick was doing something in the house.
“Maybe I should have told him about my horse.” Tygue said.
“He never really liked horses very much.” Kate was looking off at the hills, thinking back. For a moment she almost forgot the child. He was looking up at her incredulously.
“He didn’t like horses?” Tygue looked shocked, and she smiled and looked down into the sunny little face. He looked better again. Rested and happy, like the boy she knew, not the waif they had picked up under the trees on the road to Carmel. “How could he not like horses?”
“He loved football. That was his whole life.”
“That’s ’cause he was such a big star.” Kate smiled at the pride in the boy’s voice.
“Yes, he was.”
She looked down at him with a grin. “No. I wrote a book that a lot of people are buying, but that doesn’t make me a star. Nobody knows who I am.” She lay back and stretched out the long legs that had modeled so long ago. “But everyone knew who your dad was. Everywhere we went people wanted autographs, they wanted to touch him, ladies wanted to kiss him.” She grinned and Tygue started to laugh.
“Did he let them?”
“Not when he was with me.”
“It must be neat though, having everyone love you like that.”
“Sometimes. Sometimes it’s very hard. People expect too much of you. People won’t leave you alone. They won’t let you be yourself.”
“I wouldn’t like that.” He picked up a leaf and studied it.
“He didn’t either. That’s what made him sick. All the people pushing him. And all he wanted to do was play football. For the rest of his life.”
“Couldn’t he?”
She shook her head. “No, love. You can only play professional football for a few years. And then they make you retire.”
“What’s that?”
“Stop playing.”
“Forever?”
“Forever.”
“That’s terrible!” He threw the leaf away and stared at her.
“That’s what your dad thought too. He didn’t want to do anything else. And they made him quit. And then a lot of people bugged him about it. Like newspapers and stuff.” It was the best explanation she could give him, and it was true.
“That’s about right.”
“Does he remember that he played football?”
“No. I don’t think he remembers anything except where he is now, and Mr. Erhard and me. And now he’ll remember you.” She smiled at him with a mist glistening in her eyes, and she heard Nick come out of the house. He was carrying a blanket and two apples. He handed one to each of them, and looked down at them with warmth in his eyes. “Thanks, love.” Kate smiled him a kiss.
“Don’t you guys want to sit on this?”
“Nah.” Tygue looked up at the blanket disparagingly and then he remembered something … those words his father had said … “You want to, Mom?”
“Okay.” She remembered the words too.… Take care of Katie.…
The three of them spread out the bright plaid blanket and sat down and munched apples. Kate and Nick shared theirs, and Tygue attacked his with glee. They were fresh country apples. They had gotten them from the market the day before.
“You want to go down to the Adams place later and see what kind of new horses they’ve got?” Nick looked over at him, as he crunched his way to the core, but the boy shook his head.
“No. They’ve got better horses in the park.”
“In San Francisco?” Nick looked surprised, and Tygue nodded insistently. Kate smiled as she listened to him. They had outgrown this place, both of them had. It made her smile to think that four months before he had never left town. She was remembering his first trip to San Francisco in June … and hers the month before that.…
“And what are you thinking about, Cinderella?” Nick handed her their apple and she took a bite and handed it back.
“I was thinking about last spring. Neither of us had been anywhere then. And suddenly it all started to happen.”
“That’s what it does.”
“What were you doing last spring, Mr. Waterman?” She looked at him with a curious grin.
“None of your business.” He grinned back and finished the apple.
“As bad as all that?”
“Up yours.” He said it softly as he nibbled her neck. They worried less about Tygue observing them now. He was used to them. And then Nick had another thought. “Want to go see Joey?” But Tygue shook his head again. He had already said good-bye. He had new friends. A new life.
They spent a peaceful afternoon together, as they had the day before. They bought steaks in town and Nick barbecued them in the late-afternoon sun. That evening they watched television together, and made popcorn in the fireplace, as they had the first few times Nick had come up from L.A. And like the old days, they waited until Tygue went to bed, and then rushed into the bedroom, laughing, hungry for each other, aching to make love.
“My, my, aren’t we the anxious one tonight,” he teased as she kissed the inside of his thighs and tugged playfully at his shorts.
“You didn’t exactly drag your feet getting in here either, Mr. Waterman.” She sat down on the floor next to him in her bra and pants, laughing up at him as he smiled down at her. She had seemed younger and freer since they had seen Tom.
“Kate? You’re glad we went to see him, aren’t you?”
She nodded quietly for a moment. “I feel relieved. There’s no more secret to hide, not from you, not from Tygue. It’s all out now. I feel free again.”
“But what about him?” They hadn’t talked about that yet, but there were still questions that Nick felt he had to ask.
“What do you mean, Nick?” She looked very peaceful as she looked up at him, and he slowly knelt down next to her.
“I mean, what happens to Tom now? You can’t very well stop seeing him after all these years, I understand that, but … well, it takes a lot out of you, Kate.”
“I don’t think it will anymore. I’m not carrying the weight alone anymore. I can share it with you and Tygue. I can tell you what I feel, what it’s like, what’s happening to him, whenever I go.” There was a moment’s pause and then she lowered her face and looked silently at the wedding band on her hand. And then, carefully, she slipped the ring from her fìnger and held it tightly in her palm. “It’s all over, Nick. I won’t be going as often anymore. I’m not even sure he’ll notice very much. He may at first, but he has so little sense of time. I think if I go once every couple of weeks, it’ll be fair to everyone. What do you think?” She turned her eyes back to his, and they were bright and full, but she didn’t look unhappy.
“I think you’re a remarkable woman, and I’ve never loved you more. Whatever you want to do, Kate, however you want to handle it, I can accept it.”
“That’s all I need to know. It means, though, that we can never get married as long as he’s alive. I …I couldn’t do that to him. I know he wouldn’t even know I’d divorced him, but I just wouldn’t feel right.”
“We don’t need the papers, Kate, we have each other. And when the time is right, we can get married. In the meantime.…” He grinned broadly; she had just given him the only gift he had ever wanted from her—a promise of marriage, even if a remote one. He looked at her again and there was mischief in his eyes. “In the meantime, young lady, I had no idea that you’d even been considering marriage. I thought you were going to carry on this independent act of yours well into your nineties.”
“Well, why not?” She glared at him sheepishly for a moment, and then defiantly. “I can’t let you make all my decisions for me, Nick. Even if we do get married one day. I did that with Tom, and it just wasn’t right.”
“I understand that. I think we’ve been handling that fairly well.”
“So do I.” She softened again. “And that’s not the only thing you’ve been handling well.”
“Oh?” The mischief danced in his eyes again, and she laughed.
“No, you lecher, I meant Tygue. You’ve gotten him over all the rough spots. I don’t think he resents you even a little anymore.”
“I think that seeing his father will help even more.”
“Probably. But you’ve done a beautiful job, darling. I’m afraid neither of us was too easy at first.”
“My God, a confession. Quick, the tape recorder …”
“Oh shut up.” She reached over playfully and tweaked the hair on his chest. “And by the way, I’m closing the house.”
“What house?” Life with Kate was full of surprises. For all he knew, she was closing the San Francisco house and moving them all somewhere else.
“This house, silly. I don’t need it anymore.”
“You mean you’re giving up your ace? The retreat where you can always flee from me?”
“That’s not how I looked at it.” She tried to sound insulted, but she was already giggling. “How did you know?”
“Because I’m not as dumb as you like to think I am.”
“I would never think such a thing.”
“Good. Then tell me the truth about why you’re closing the house, and explain to me what you mean by ‘closing’ it. You mean giving it up completely?”
“Completely. We don’t need it. We never come down here, we’re not going to, and I wouldn’t want to anyway. This is a part of my life that’s over.” And then her face grew sober again, and she slowly opened her hand and looked at the wedding ring she had slipped from her finger moments before. “It’s over. Just like this.”
And then, wordlessly, she put the ring down on a table and came into his arms. She had never been as free with him as she was that night. It was as though something in her had been uncaged, and she gave herself to him in ways she never had before, her body arching and writhing in ecstasy beneath the expertise of his hands and his tongue.
The next morning, they had a quiet breakfast alone in the kitchen before they woke Tygue and told him that he was leaving that morning with Nick.
“Without you, Mom?” She expected a few moments of protest and was surprised by the look of delight on his face.
“Don’t look so heartbroken about it, you creep.” But in fact she was relieved. It was as though their little family had solidified in the past few days.
“How long do we get to be alone?” His eyes danced at the prospect and Nick laughed.
“As long as it takes me to pack up this house. Speaking of which, young man, I want you to go through your games and toys this morning and decide what you’re giving away and what you want in San Francisco.” There wasn’t too much left in his closet and cupboards, but enough to keep him busy for a couple of hours.
They all rolled up their sleeves and started packing that morning, but by late afternoon Kate was working alone. After lunch, Nick and Tygue had piled into the car and driven back to San Francisco. And Kate was surprised how comfortable it was to be alone in the house. She did a lot of thinking as she packed up the boxes she and Nick had gotten at the supermarket before lunch.
He had been right, she was giving something up by letting go of the house. But it was something she didn’t want anymore anyway, an emergency exit, a place to hide, a place where she could keep herself from Nick. She had liked knowing that she had that, but she didn’t need that anymore. If she needed to get away from him, or express her independence, she could do it with words, or a long walk, or a trip alone somewhere for a weekend, but not by coming back to the place where she had lived for seven years, mourning the past. There was nothing left to mourn. And if she found herself frightened or bothered or bugged, sometime in the future, she could handle that too—without running away. It was a nice thing to know about herself.
It took her three days to pack up the house. She gave a lot of things away, labeled some boxes for Tillie, and left them in the garage. And she collected what amounted to a small truckload of odds and ends and useful items that she arranged to have sent up to the city. After that there was nothing left. She sent a letter to notify the landlord that she was leaving, and wondered if it wasn’t time for him to retire there anyway. Maybe he would finally use the house himself one of these days. It had served her well. It had kept her secret safe for all those years. She remembered how happy she had been when she first got there. Happy just to be away from the hell she had lived through, happy as she lay on the grass in the springtime, feeling Tygue grow inside her, and so happy when he had been born and she brought him home. She stood in the bedroom on the last morning, and remembered looking out over those same hills, all those years ago, with Tygue in her arms. And then solemnly, she turned on her heel, and walked out of the house.