Late December
“Motherfucker!” My thumb pressed the buttons on my video game controller over and over.
Elias had parked his chair next to where I was sitting on the couch. He’d come over to hang out for a while, since the playoffs would be starting soon, and he knew I needed some downtime.
“I got this, bro. You’re so fucking mine,” Elias said, and he was right, of course, the dick. He beat me, and I tried not to pout. I hated to lose, even if it was just a stupid video game.
“Aw, is my big brother mad? Someone is a sore loser.”
“I let you win,” I teased. “That’s what being a big brother is about.”
My statement was enough to make Elias laugh out loud. “You have always been the world’s best big brother, but you have never let me win anything in my life. You respect me too much, and you also hate losing too much. You have to be good and perfect at everything. That’s a lot of fucking pressure, man.”
Something about what he’d just said made my breathing pick up. “What do you mean?”
Elias frowned. “You.” He shrugged. “You’re just you. Come on, Ans. You know how you are. You’ve always needed to be the best. You were always the guy who had to do everything the right way. When your buddies got into trouble, you never did. You’ve always thought you had to be perfect, like you’re…I don’t know, trying to make up for something or like it’s the only way you feel worthy. It’s a thing. It’s always been a thing. You don’t know this about yourself?”
No, no I didn’t. My gaze darted away.
“Holy shit, you don’t.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” But the truth was, now that he’d said it, I knew he was right. His words made so many things fit into place. “I went out with you once when I wasn’t supposed to, and look what happened.”
My brother’s eyes went cold in a way that made ice spread through me. He’d never looked at me that way. “Fuck you, Anson. Don’t do that shit. You don’t get to blame yourself for my accident. Not only was it not your fault, but if you blame yourself, you’re basically saying there’s something wrong with the way I am, and there’s not. I’m exactly the way I’m supposed to be, and it won’t ever hold me back from getting exactly what I want out of life.”
Guilt flooded me. “I didn’t mean…” But it didn’t matter what I meant; what mattered was what I’d said or thought. I relaxed against the back of the couch and rubbed a hand over my face. “There’s no one in this world I respect more than you, and if what I said was demeaning in any way, I’m sorry. You’re right. There’s nothing wrong with you, and I know there’s nothing in this world you can’t do.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know who you are. You say there’s no one you respect more than me, and I feel the same way about you. That big fucking heart of yours makes you feel responsible for everyone and everything, and you’re not. My accident was just that—an accident. End of discussion. And you don’t have to be perfect all the time. You don’t have to be who and what everyone expects you to be.”
My heart plummeted. Was he hinting he knew? The back of my neck tingled, and my gut ached. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said. You are who Mama wants you to be and who your friends want you to be. You act like Darren when you’re around him, and the perfect son with Mom, and the perfect brother with me. Sometimes I wonder if you know who you are at all.”
Now it was my turn to be offended. “Hey, that’s a shitty thing to say. I know who I am, and I don’t try to be anyone I’m not.” But that was a lie, and going by the look Elias gave me, he knew it. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I could be anything else. I didn’t know how not to be the friend Darren needed me to be, or the son Mom needed me to be—hell, even the brother Elias needed. I wanted to take care of them all because I loved them. What was wrong with that?
And yet, the only time I ever felt like I was able to just be was when I was with West or talking to him, which was so damn fucked up, I tried to shut down what it meant.
Elias said, “Sometimes…sometimes I think you believe that, and other times I don’t. There’s something going on with you, Ans. There always has been. When you don’t think people are watching, you let it show some. You’re sad, and you’re alone, and I wish you would tell me why.”
My fucking hands started to tremble. I shoved to my feet. How we’d gone from our video game to this, I couldn’t say, but I sure as shit wanted to go back to an easier topic. I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t alone… Was I? “You want something to drink?” I asked, rather than letting myself answer, even in my own brain.
Elias followed me into the kitchen. “I wish you would let me be to you the brother you are to me.”
“I do. You’re my best friend. There’s nothing I need to talk about.” Lies, lies, lies. There was plenty I needed to talk about, but I couldn’t. Elias had zeroed in on the reason. I needed to be perfect. I couldn’t handle letting down people I cared about. I needed to be exactly who they wanted me to be.
“Fine, whatever. Just know that I’m here.”
I grabbed a bottle of water for each of us from the fridge and tossed his to him.
Elias caught it easily. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with what we were just talking about.”
He smiled. “It doesn’t. I just… Have you ever been in love?”
Yes was the first answer that came to mind, and I froze…then let myself acknowledge it. I was in love with West. Maybe I shouldn’t be—actually, there was no maybe about it. I definitely shouldn’t be. Maybe it didn’t make sense, or maybe I’d later realize that what I felt for West wasn’t really love. How could I love someone I’d only been in the same physical space with four times? But then, I’d spent months talking to him, confiding in him, listening to him as he talked about work, and how much he cared about people, and how he wanted to make a difference. He was always there for me, traveled across the country for me, and held my secrets.
Maybe it was because West was the only man I’d been with. Maybe the more time we spent together, things would change, and I’d see he wasn’t who I thought he was, but I didn’t really believe that.
It was him. There was something special about West, and I was crazy about him, and so incredibly fucked. But even if things were different for me, I didn’t think West felt the same. He’d said himself he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship.
“Anson?” my brother prompted when I didn’t respond right away.
“No,” I lied. “I’ve never been in love. Have you?”
“Yeah, I am now. With Carly. I want to ask her to marry me. Not right away, but I… Fuck.” He wheeled himself over to the sliding glass door, pushed a button so it opened, and wheeled himself out.
I followed. “What is it?”
“As much as I talk about being proud of who I am and how there’s nothing I can’t do…what if she deserves better? What if there are things I can’t give her, and she decides she doesn’t want a husband who’s in a wheelchair for the rest of his life?”
“What? No, El. Don’t you ever think that way. She’s lucky to have you. There’s not a better man in the whole world.” I’d never heard my brother speak that way. He’d had his struggles accepting his new reality, of course. Even now, there were hard times, but he found a way to work through them. Things weren’t always easy, but he went at life with a good attitude, always giving his all, even if he failed at something. He didn’t feel sorry for himself.
“That still doesn’t mean it’s what she’ll want forever…or that she won’t think she does, only to realize later on that she doesn’t.”
“Then she doesn’t deserve you, and you’re better off without her. No one ever knows if a relationship is going to work out. You love someone, you think it will, but you never know. No one gets married planning for it to fail, but marriages do all the time. You just have to ask yourself if Carly is worth the risk. How being without her or losing her now feels compared to possibly losing her later. You’ll never know if you don’t try, and you might miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime thing.”
Thoughts of stupid fucking Weston Calloway filled my brain. He was going to ruin me. Now instead of Elias and Carly, I was thinking about West and me. Not that I wanted to propose to him, but I wanted…more, something real. To throw caution to the wind and risk the fallout. He was worth the risk, if he’d have me.
“Ans?” My brother’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. I could tell by the way he’d said it that it wasn’t the first time he’d called my name.
“Why do you sound like you’re talking from experience? You should have seen the look on your face just now.”
“I’m not.” I shook my head and glanced away.
“I used to think you talked to me, that it wasn’t just you who was there for me, but that I was there for you too. I don’t think that anymore. I think you have a lot of goddamned secrets, and one day, I hope you’ll trust me enough to share them with me.”
Fuck, this was such a mess. “I…” My mouth hung open a second before closing, but nothing else came out.
“It’s okay, for now. But maybe one day soon you’ll trust me the way I trust you. And thank you. You’re right—about Carly, I mean. She’s worth the risk, and if I’m not enough for her, then it’s her loss, not mine. I know that. Love just fucks with your brain sometimes, I think.”
You can say that again, brother. I clapped a hand on Elias’s shoulder. “Good man. I can’t believe you’re getting married.”
He laughed. “Hey, I haven’t even asked her yet, and I don’t know when I will. Don’t get too ahead of yourself.”
“But you will, and she’ll say yes.” Because once Elias set his mind to something, there was nothing he couldn’t make come true. I wanted to be just like my little brother when I grew up.
I waited until I was lying in bed for the night, then video called West. It was mushy and embarrassing, but I actually wanted to see him.
“Hey, Bashful.”
“Hey.”
West frowned. “What’s wrong?”
He really did know me so well. Maybe better than anyone. Definitely better than anyone. “Nothing is specifically wrong. The playoffs are starting, which is a big fucking deal, so we’ve been practicing a lot. My brother…you…”
“Good things about me, I hope. Like how much you want me? I can see how that would be overwhelming and could fill your thoughts all the time.”
“There’s something wrong with you.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “Yeah, but you love me for it.” I did, but I knew he didn’t mean it that way. “Okay, let’s figure this out. The playoffs, I get. You don’t have to be a football guy to understand that, so we’ll go to Elias next. What’s up with him?”
“Nothing bad. He wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. Her name is Carly. They haven’t been together long, but I trust his judgment. He also said he’s not doing it right away, but…he said he knows she’s the one.”
“Wow, that’s big. Good for him.”
“He was nervous, wondering if she deserved someone better or if she’d wake up one day and decide she didn’t want a husband who’s in a wheelchair, but I told him he was crazy, and he knows I’m right.”
“Sounds like you were a good big brother, like you always are.”
The intensity in West’s stare told me there was more he wanted to say. “What?”
“How did it make you feel?”
“He’s my brother. I’m happy for him.”
“I’m sure you are, but I meant for you. I’m not talking about him.”
“What does Elias getting married have to do with me?” But I knew what he was asking, and I knew why.
“Don’t play dumb. We both know you’re not.”
No, I wasn’t. I sighed and adjusted myself in the bed. “It made me sad, West. Is that what you want to hear? That I was jealous of my brother and wished it were me, but not with a woman? I used to wish I were straight, wished I wanted women, but ever since I’ve been with you, I don’t. So yeah, I wondered what it would be like to tell him I had a boyfriend I was in love with. That I wanted to marry him. And Elias would congratulate me and tell me the guy was lucky to have me. There would be no question of weirdness or fear that he’d care I’m gay.”
“No, that’s not what I wanted to hear. Not really. I want all those things to be true for you. I don’t want to hear that you wonder what it would be like in a way that tells me you don’t think you’ll ever have it.”
God, he was great, so fucking great. I didn’t know how I deserved him, how West could ever think he was selfish. He was so good at this, at caring for other people, at being there for them. He really did want to make the world a better place. He’d already made me a better person. “I wish you were here,” I found myself saying, unsure if I should have but unwilling to take it back.
West sucked in a sharp breath. “I wish I was there too.”
“What would you do to me if you were?” I asked, not allowing myself to second-guess.
“Oh, Bashful, I don’t know if there’s enough time for me to tell you all the things I would do to you.”
I laughed, but yep, my cock was stiffening. “Condensed version?”
“Someone is feeling naughty tonight.” He was in his office chair—the one at home, not at work. “I’d strip you down. Kiss you everywhere, feed you my cock but not give you my load. Then I’d suck your dick and tease your hole because you like it. Maybe this time I’d get two fingers inside you and fuck you with them until you’re writhing and begging for more.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed my palm over my erection. “What else?”
“Next time I have you beneath me, I’m not going to want to stop with blowjobs and jerking off, not that those aren’t great. I won’t take your ass the first time, but just when you’re losing your mind with my fingers inside you, I’ll take them out, get on my hands and knees for you, and give you my ass.”
At some point, I’d shoved a hand into my underwear and begun stroking myself. I propped my phone up against a pillow. “Oh fuck…West.”
“Keep going for me. Let me see you bring yourself off. I want you to say my name when you come. Pretend I’m there with you and scream it.”
He wasn’t moving, wasn’t jerking himself. I didn’t know how in the hell he wasn’t going crazy like I was, but in that moment, I didn’t care. All I wanted was to come. I shoved my underwear down my thighs, then fisted my dick again, stroking hard and fast. My balls were ready to let loose in what felt like two seconds flat. My toes curled, and my world spun as I closed my eyes and shouted, “West!” just as the first spurt pulled from my nuts. Then I came again, come shooting all over my stomach as I said, “West, West, West,” over and over again.
“Fucking beautiful,” he said, making my cheeks heat.
“God, I needed that.”
He grinned. “I hate to do this, but I have to go. I have a last-minute flight to catch that I’m dangerously close to missing.”
“Wait, what? You’re at home.”
“I was about to head out when you called.”
“West, you should have said something.”
He shrugged like it didn’t matter, but it did. He knew I needed him, and he’d been there.
I love you.
I loved him so fucking much.
“I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” he said.
“Wait!” I rushed out before he ended the call. “Thank you. I…I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
West cocked a brow, and I knew before he spoke he wasn’t going to answer seriously. “Most people don’t. Talk soon, Bashful.”
Then he clicked off before I could respond.