I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.
I’d felt West’s stare the moment I’d walked in, and my eyes had been instantly drawn to him.
He was…fuck, he was gorgeous and sophisticated in a way I didn’t feel I was, even when I dressed up. I felt out of place in dress clothes, like I was a fraud, but formal attire was made for West, for his body, his confidence, his swagger.
I should have known tonight would be difficult, but all I’d been thinking about was what came after the event. I hadn’t considered how it would feel to see him, to see him with Jeremy, and I hadn’t anticipated the ache inside me when Jeremy held his arm. I knew it was nothing. I trusted West, and they were friends, but now I couldn’t get over the fact that they’d had sex, that if it wasn’t for me, they could go back to the hotel together and fuck each other all night.
Luckily for my sanity, they didn’t touch for long. I saw West let go of Jeremy’s arm when they reached the bar. The affection Mia showed me wasn’t unique to us. It didn’t mean anything. We had never had sex or even so much as kissed. She was my best friend’s sister, one of my closest friends, and Mia was affectionate with everyone, but tonight was the first time it felt wrong.
“Should we get a drink? I need a drink,” Darren said.
“Sure.” My gaze darted up, and I saw West and Jeremy had already left the bar. When my eyes found Mia, she was watching me, her head slightly cocked as though she was confused. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” She shook her head.
We got our drinks and made the rounds like we should. Every time we broke away from one person or group, someone else would stop us, thank us for the donations we’d made and the commercial Darren and I were going to film together for their organization, and yeah, to talk football and the Super Bowl.
My agent was there as well, but I hadn’t seen him. I told myself that when my eyes scanned the room, it was him I was looking for and not West.
“Anson?” Mia said, touching my arm, and I realized someone had been speaking to me.
“I’m sorry. What was that?” We’d been talking to the director of the upcoming commercial, who’d stopped to ask Darren and me a few questions.
I fought to keep my focus and thoughts steady, tried to push West from them. We finished the conversation, then made our way to our seats just as the first presenter began his speech, sharing statistics about childhood cancer.
I shifted in my seat, glancing around the room. I found West at another table. The man who’d been his date that time West had sneaked out of a fundraiser to talk to me was sitting beside him. I’d seen photos of them online and had asked about him once.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood, and my muscles tightened. What had West said his name was? Brandon. What was he doing there? I hadn’t known he would be in attendance, and it really shouldn’t fucking matter, and how in the hell had politics and sports suddenly gotten so entwined that West and I were both at the same event?
My eyes shot to the stage when I heard them announce “Jeremy Gaines” and everyone began clapping. I turned quickly to West again to see him smile up at his best friend, making another spike of jealousy stab through me.
Get it the fuck together, man.
Jeremy spoke about having cancer as a child, something I hadn’t known, and that made the ache intensify. He was important to West, and we weren’t able to spend enough time together to talk about things like that. When we spoke, it was all about us, soaking in every moment we had.
There were more speakers after Jeremy, talking about donations and the upcoming silent auction later in the evening. I struggled to stay still and kept finding myself moving in my seat and looking at West.
Before I knew it, the speakers had finished and music started playing. People traveled out of the room and into the next, where the auction items were. Darren and I had both donated signed jerseys and game tickets.
We got another drink and ended up chatting with Murphy Lowe, the quarterback for Dallas.
“Hope you’re not getting too used to being the champion,” he teased.
“We’ll be getting another ring next year,” Darren countered, and oh, there was West. He was standing with Jeremy, Brandon, and a group of men and women I didn’t know.
“If Hawkins pays attention next season like he’s doing right now, I wouldn’t be so sure,” Lowe said, and that I heard. Damn it. I needed to stop obsessing about West.
“Sorry. You guys just aren’t that interesting,” I joked, and the group laughed. “But I’ll be paying attention and dominating on the field. I can promise you that.”
The conversation went on. I wished I could have another drink, but I had to drive home later. Eventually, I saw West and Brandon go toward the dance floor, and my insides felt like they were decaying.
“I, um…need the restroom,” I lied before separating from the group. I was losing my shit for no reason. I knew that, but all I could think about was how West was mine, and no one knew, and it was all my fucking fault.
I willed him to look at me, kept my eyes on him as I walked, but he didn’t. West just danced and spoke to Brandon in a way I would never be able to give him.
I leaned against the sink in the bathroom, hands clutching the edges as I stared at myself. “Get it the fuck together, Hawkins.”
I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, to lower my heart rate that was currently spiking like I was running a fucking marathon.
“It’s fine. You can do this. It’ll be okay,” I said to the me in the mirror.
But for how long? How long would it be okay? I wasn’t built for this. It wasn’t how I worked.
I stalled for as long as I could. Eventually, I really did take a leak, then washed my hands and left the restroom.
Mia had lingered in the hallway, and the second I saw her, I stumbled. “Oh, hey.”
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You seem…off tonight.”
Fuck. I wasn’t surprised she’d noticed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired. I’ve been trying a new workout and diet plan, and I’m not sure it’s agreeing with me.”
She nodded slowly but didn’t seem to believe me. “We’re friends, right?”
“Yeah, yeah of course.” Where the hell was this going? My chest ached, and I tried to keep my breathing under control.
“You know how I feel about you. As much as I joke around with you, I understand that you don’t feel the same. I always thought maybe one day…” She waved her hand. “That’s not important. I just want to say that regardless, I’m your friend first, okay? I know you’re besties with my boneheaded brother, but I care about you too. Your friendship means the world to me, and if you ever need to talk, I’m always here.”
I turned. My head was suddenly throbbing, making me rub my temples as if that could cure it. Tell her, tell her, tell her , but I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t. “I’m fine, Mia.”
“Okay, but just know the offer is there. I can tell something’s up. Darren can too, but he won’t mention it. Some kind of bro code. Men are weird. There’s nothing wrong with talking about your feelings, ya know? It’s healthy.”
I snickered softly. “Thanks. I appreciate that. I’m good, though.”
She gave a dramatic sigh. “Should we dance, then?”
I smiled. “Yeah, sure.”
I took Mia’s arm, and we walked to the dance floor together. I pulled her close, moved with her, and forced myself not to look for West. I would have him for two whole weeks after this.
“Why me?” I found myself asking.
“Outside the fact that you’re gorgeous?” she asked, and I laughed again. “You’re a good person. There isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for those you care about. You’re funny and kind. Why not you?”
My skin began to tingle, warmth spreading through me, but not because of what Mia had said. I glanced up, and my eyes locked on West. He was dancing with Brandon again. Our gazes held, but we continued to move, eventually giving each other our backs. “You’re great, you know that?” I told Mia, but then we turned again, and West and I watched each other.
It was him I wanted…him I loved.
“It’s okay, Ans. I didn’t see it before, but it all makes so much sense now. I don’t know how I didn’t realize. Whoever he is, he hasn’t taken his eyes off you.”
I stiffened, nearly stumbled over my own feet—or hers, I wasn’t even sure which. The lie was right there, waiting at the end of my tongue. All I had to do was open my mouth, and it would tumble out, but I didn’t.
“This is big, Anson,” Mia said.
“I know. I can’t… I don’t…” Lie, lie, lie. It would be so easy, but she wouldn’t believe me, she would know, and that almost felt…good. I was so damn tired already.
“I understand your hesitance. I love and respect you too much to sugarcoat it.”
I looked at West…yearned…craved.
“Does Darren know?”
“No,” I rushed out. “Please don’t.”
“I won’t, but he loves you, Anson. You know that won’t change, right?”
I didn’t respond.
Her mouth was close to my ear, her voice low. “Jesus, the way he looks at you. He’s eating you alive, and I think he wants me to die a slow, painful death.”
Surprisingly, my chest felt light…lighter than I thought it would when someone in my life found out my secret. “Yeah, well, he’s had sex with the guy he’s dancing with, so…”
“Yikes.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
I was sorry too. “Thank you. I couldn’t have said it out loud, and I’m… Fuck, it makes me feel weak, but I’ve been scared to death of people finding out, yet you made it okay. I need someone, ya know?”
“Oh, Anson.” Mia’s hold on me tightened. I closed my eyes, held her, savored the feel of someone in my life knowing and it being okay.
When I opened my eyes again, West was gone.