“YOU SURE this is a good idea?” Eli asked as he set two bags of groceries on the counter. “Don’t you like Riley?”
“Duh. That’s why I want to do something nice for him.” Kollin pulled all of the food out of the bags and placed it on the counter.
“Yeah, but have you tasted your cooking?”
Kollin made a face at Eli. “You’re so funny.”
“What time is he getting here?”
“Said he’d get off work around six.” Kollin washed his hands. “So soon, I guess. I need to get started.”
“Want some help?”
Kollin glanced at Eli from the corner of his eye. In general Eli was a terrible cook, but he could grill a mean hamburger, which was what Kollin planned to make. But he wanted to fix the whole meal by himself. “Maybe you could hang out with me. Just in case?”
“Sure.” Eli sat on one of the bar stools at the island and propped his chin on his hand. “And not that I’m telling you what to do, but it’s going to take longer to cook the potatoes than the hamburgers, so I’d start on those first.”
“Thanks.” Kollin flashed Eli a grateful smile and got to work peeling and chopping potatoes. Eli messed around on his phone, probably reading the news or some boring shit like that. He’d never met anyone as business-minded as Eli. He actually enjoyed watching C-SPAN and never seemed to mind when he had to work from home. Originally Kollin thought Eli just accepted that was the price he had to pay for being so involved in HOPE, but Kollin eventually realized Eli worked from home even when he wasn’t overly busy at the center. He seemed to enjoy it.
Kollin spread the chunks of potatoes onto a baking sheet, covered them with olive oil, and then mixed in salt, pepper, parsley, and Cajun seasoning. He slid them in the oven and got to work on making the hamburger patties.
“Any tips on these?”
Eli looked up. “Cook them on a medium-low heat so you don’t burn the outside.”
“Got it.” Kollin grabbed a chunk of meat and formed a patty. He cast another sideways glance at Eli. “You mind if I ask you something?”
“’Course not.”
“You gotta promise not to freak out, though.”
Eli closed his eyes and put his forehead on his fingertips. “Oh, geez.”
“That’s not a very good start.” Kollin finished one patty and started on another.
“Go ahead.”
“I want to preface this by saying we’ve only been dating a week, so this is a long ways off. Ri doesn’t seem thrilled with the idea of me even seeing him with his shirt off right now. But….” Kollin paused and tried to decide the best way to phrase his problem. “I don’t know what to do,” he finished lamely.
Eli frowned as he thought, and Kollin placed the patty on the plate and grabbed a handful of meat for another. “I guess I’d wait until he’s comfortable with having his shirt off.”
Kollin sighed. “Uh… yeah. I got that part. I meant later on, when we’re doing more stuff. Like… down below.”
“Oh….” Eli’s eyes widened. “Ohhhh.”
“Yeah. I’ve just never been with anyone who didn’t have a dick,” Kollin blurted out and felt his cheeks warm.
“Oh,” Eli said again. He looked a little pale. Kollin normally asked Adam about stuff like that, but Adam had never been with a woman. No matter how uncomfortable it made both of them, Eli was his only hope at getting advice.
Kollin finished his last patty, which turned out about half the size of the others.
Eli remained silent until Kollin finally sighed. “Never mind. I’ll figure it out somehow.”
“No, no,” Eli said. “I want to help. It’s just… weird. I’m trying to figure out how to phrase things. You’re still fifteen to me sometimes, and that’s way too young for some of these words.”
Kollin nodded and waited, the hamburger patties forgotten.
“Okay, look. I’ve been with plenty of women, but it’s not going to be the same as being with Riley. The best thing you can do is talk to him and see what he likes.”
Kollin shook his head. “I just don’t know if we’re to that point yet, though.”
“If you’re not to the point of being able to talk about it yet, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.”
Kollin fixed a hard stare toward Eli. “’Cuz you talked about all of your fears with everyone you fooled around with?”
“No. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have.” Eli snapped out his words and then cleared his throat. “I think we both know that no one I dated before Adam meant much of anything to me. Casual sex and what you’re thinking about doing with Riley are completely different. I also never dated a trans person during midtransition. Now turn your grill on.”
Kollin huffed but obeyed.
“Wait a few minutes for it to get hot before you put the meat on it.” Eli sighed, long and loudly.
“Thanks,” Kollin mumbled and set down the meat he’d been about to put on the grill.
“So, what? Are you looking for specific instructions or something?”
Kollin winced. “I dunno. Maybe.”
“That’s tough, Koll. Everyone’s different. They like different things. Haven’t you learned that from the guys you’ve been with?”
“Well, yeah. But at least I had years of practice on myself before I touched another guy. Now I’m going in blind to something that may or may not gross me out.”
Eli buried his head in his hands against the counter. If Kollin hadn’t been so desperate for some kind of advice, he’d have enjoyed making Eli uncomfortable. “You think they’re gross?”
“Well, kinda,” Kollin whimpered. “Isn’t that the whole point of being gay?”
Eli smacked the counter with his palm. His voice sounded unnaturally high when he spoke. “How do I know? I’m not gay.”
“I know. That’s why I’m asking you for help,” Kollin all but shouted and then lowered his voice. “What if we make it that far, and I’m too grossed out to do anything? There’s all kinds of… folds and… holes… and things. And it’s all shiny sometimes. What the hell is that about? Dick, balls, ass. How simple is that?”
“Oh God. Adam,” Eli screeched his name, “please tell me you’re home.”
“Eli, I’m serious,” Kollin said, trying and failing to keep the pleading tone out of his voice.
“I am too,” Eli said, his tone as desperate as Kollin’s.
“Fine.” Kollin turned back to the grill and threw the hamburger patties on it with more force than necessary.
He was cutting a tomato when Eli spoke again, his voice soft and back under control. “Some women like a firmer touch, some softer. Some like to be penetrated, some like their clit rubbed, and some like both. Some can only get off on oral while others hate the thought of it. All of that, plus the fact that Riley is not a woman, means I can’t give you an easy answer.” Eli paused. “You need to talk to him, Koll.”
Kollin spun around, brandishing the knife in the air. “But he’s already so self-conscious about his body. If he finds out I’m nervous too, he’s going to bail. I really like him, and I don’t want something this stupid to keep us from being together. I’m trying to somehow confidently lead us through all of this but still let him set the pace. I know I’m going to screw it up, though, because he’s still keeping all these secrets from me. I don’t even know what the hell to do with that. We never had secrets before.”
Eli came around the counter to stand next to Kollin. “Slow down. Okay? First of all, sexual attraction isn’t stupid. It’s not the only thing to consider in a relationship, but without it, you won’t stand much chance of success. The other day it sounded like you were pretty confident about chemistry between you two. Why are you worried now?”
Kollin turned back to the tomato to avoid looking at Eli. “Riley kinda showed me what to do then. It was a little embarrassing.”
“So then why do you think he won’t want to tell you what he likes?”
“He seems really self-conscious until we get in the middle of something. It’s like… once he reaches a point, he forgets to freak out about everything. He forgets that he’s different and lets go. It’s not exactly convenient to stop and hash things out once he finally reaches that point, though. And before that, everything is taboo.”
“Flip your patties,” Eli said and pointed toward the grill. “And get the cheese ready.”
“Yes, sir.”
“You’re not going to like what I have to say next.”
Kollin sighed. “Great.”
“Adam’s right. You need to be careful. Riley needs to deal with his shit before you two get serious. Starting a new relationship when you’re already dealing with emotional baggage is so difficult. If Adam weren’t such a saint, we never would’ve made it.”
“So I should tell him we can’t date until he’s got his shit sorted out?” Kollin rolled his eyes. “That sounds super supportive.”
Eli ignored his sarcasm. “Not necessarily. But the good thing about your relationship with Riley is you two were friends first. And not just fast friends. You were best friends with a soul-deep connection. What if you weren’t dating Riley, and he came to you with this stuff? What if he told you he’s worried his insecurities will keep him from finding happiness with a new guy he’s dating? What would you tell him to do?”
Kollin’s shoulders drooped. “I’d tell him to talk to Dr. Maggie about it and talk to the new guy about it.”
To his credit Eli didn’t look even a little bit smug. “Exactly. I’m not saying not to date Riley, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a step back from being the guy he’s dating and slide in as his best friend. You’ve got this kind of romantic dinner tonight, so you should probably wait until you two are doing something that’s clearly a friend thing. Maybe something you used to do before, and then ask him how his sessions are going.”
“But he’s never seemed to want to talk about them before.”
Eli chuffed. “Koll. Come on. When have you ever let that stop you? All it takes is for you to be dating someone for you to suddenly respect people’s boundaries?”
Kollin laughed. “Shut up. I respect boundaries.”
“You’re nosy as hell, and you know it.” Eli grinned. “But we love you, so we put up with it.”
“Put up with me, you mean.”
Eli shrugged. “Same difference.”
“Gee, thanks.” Kollin laid cheese on top of the burgers. “Why couldn’t you have just given me some kind of secret move? You’ve been living with Adam too long.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. You good here?” Eli gestured toward the food on the counter.
“Yeah. These are almost done, and then I can cut everything up for the wraps.”
“All right, then. I’m going to go pick up Adam and Lizzie from the center. We’ll be out of your hair the rest of the night.” Eli wrapped his arm around Kollin, pulled him closer, and dropped a kiss on top of his head.
“Thanks for talking to me.” Kollin grinned. “Even if you weren’t all that helpful.”