Chapter Two

Saying No

I lifted my feet and floated, shutting my eyes against the salty water as the waves spilled over my head. When I opened my eyes again I saw sailboats bobbing in the distance, and closer by, delicate pink balloons shivering on the surface.

“Jellyfish!” I shouted.

“Do they sting?” Jade asked.

“I don’t know.”

She quickly went ashore, keeping away from the jellyfish, but I swam and swam through the waves until I was exhausted. It felt so good. Finally, I staggered out and collapsed on a towel next to Jade. Beside her, the two French men lay facedown on beach towels.

Afraid of falling asleep and burning, I sat up to put on suntan lotion then sank back into the sand. We hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. The next time I opened my eyes, it was dusk. I sat up feeling chilled. Jade and I went up and changed in the little colorful changing tents at the top of the beach.

“I’m cold. I need to get my sweater,” I told Jean-Luc when we returned.

“Me too,” said Jade, rubbing her arms.

“Go ahead.” He tossed me the car keys. We found the Citroën in the row of small French cars parked along the street. I opened the creaky door. There were so many cases and bags, I had trouble locating our backpacks, which had been wedged down in the pile.

With our sweaters on, we watched the sun disappear along with most of the people on the beach. Families trudged away loaded with colorful beach bags and umbrellas. Jade and I went to buy sandwiches for everyone at a snack place nearby that was just closing down. We sat munching, content with the novelty of being at the seashore. Jade had never seen anything bigger than Lake Superior, and I had only been to the ocean a few times on family vacations, but it had been love at first sight.

Jean-Luc lit up a pipe and passed it around.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Hashish,” he answered. I had smoked marijuana, and I knew this was more concentrated, so I only took one hot, acrid pull from the pipe. Jade had never smoked anything before, and after coughing the first time, she didn’t want any more. The process of relaxation that had started in my body from swimming deepened now. I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, at least not for a while.

We sat for a long time talking about French politics. Every so often the hash pipe would come around again. I hadn’t felt anything from the first drag, so I continued to take short puffs whenever it was my turn.

The year was 1973, and Jean-Luc and Bernard were part of the Socialist movement. Strikes had become a normal part of life in France: general strikes and specific ones like mail and train, anything connected to the government. The people were demanding change. Bernard became animated as he explained the history of French popular revolts: the Revolution, the Commune, the Paris student riots in ’68.

“We’ve gotten rid of de Gaulle,” he said. “But Pompidou isn’t much better. François Mitterand’s a Socialist. He is going to be our next president.”

The men rose to set up their tent before it got too dark. I realized that the hash was much more potent than I had originally thought. “I’m so stoned,” I said to Jade with a slight giggle. We stared dreamily out at the foam as it lapped and scalloped the smooth sand.

“Jade,” I finally said.

“What?”

“What do you want to do?” I had a strong feeling that we ought to go back to Montpellier, but I didn’t feel like moving. I would let Jade decide.

“I don’t know,” she said, looking down and tracing lines in the sand with her fingers.

We watched the night sky deepen, caught by the rhythm of the waves. Just a little while longer, and I’ll ask for a ride back. Bernard stood and sauntered down the beach. Jean-Luc sat nearby smoking a cigarette. I stretched out on my back and gazed at the haze of stars. I don’t know how much time passed when Jean-Luc spoke, jerking me back into the moment. “So, what are you two going to do? You can stay here tonight if you want.”

I turned my head slowly toward Jade. “Do you think we should stay?”

“Sure!” she said.

It had been a long day, and the languid sensation in my body was powerful. I didn’t want to get in the car. I didn’t want to have to find a room in the dorms. What a crazy idea. Impossible now. I just wanted to curl up in my sleeping bag and go to sleep. Tomorrow, they could drive us back and we’d get a room. “Okay,” I replied.

Jade and I retrieved our sleeping bags from the car. By the time we returned, it was pitch black inside the tent. We spread the bags on the soft, sandy floor. I couldn’t see Jade. “Where are you?” I asked.

“Right here,” she said softly, apparently already in her sleeping bag. When I stretched my arm out I could just touch her bag. I nestled myself inside mine, still wearing my clothes. The waves produced a dull, soothing roar, over and over. I was starting to fall asleep when I heard Jean-Luc come into the tent.

“Where’s Bernard?” I asked.

“He’s sleeping in the car.” Jean-Luc arranged his bag on one side of me. I could hear Jade beginning to snore beneath the sound of the waves.

Jean-Luc whispered, “Sophie?”

“Oui,” I murmured.

“What’s it like where you come from? Is it cold?” I didn’t reply. He repeated the question.

“Cold? Yes, in the winter.”

“What do you do in the winter? Ski?”

“I read a lot.” I was floating up through the canvas ceiling as I answered, back out among the stars. A line from T. S. Elliot popped into my head. “I read much of the night and go south for the winter.”

I must have recited the line out loud, because he asked, “Do you like poetry? I like Rimbaud.”

“Rimbaud.” I dreamily repeated the name of one of my favorite French poets.

I felt the slight weight of Jean-Luc’s arm across my hip through the sleeping bag. Distant alarm bells started ringing. I struggled up from sleep. He left his arm there and continued talking softly about the way I looked, my blue eyes and blond hair. Through the buzz in my head I tried to think. He’s trying to seduce me! I didn’t realize it until now. In the US we could have camped with some guys and been just friends. Apparently not in France. His hand, still outside the sleeping bag, started traveling slowly down my body.

“Hey, don’t do that,” I said, twisting away.

“Please,” he said, drawing out the word. “I want you! Don’t you want me too?” He kissed me on the corner of my mouth and started to unzip the sleeping bag.

“Mais, non…”

“Sophie!” He continued to caress me through my clothes, his hard, slight body now hovering above mine.

I was afraid. But my fear was an emotion I couldn’t fully own; it seemed to skitter away from me, floating some distance above my head. I tried to talk some sense into myself. Sophie, this is real! You’ve got to do something now if you don’t want to have sex with this guy! It had been no accident that Jean-Luc continued to pass the hashish pipe to me. That was why I felt so heavy and passive as though I were sinking into quicksand. Everything I tried to do seemed doomed: ineffectual and pointless. I was so out of it, my attempts to push him off were probably as weak as a baby’s. He may not have even noticed them. I struggled weakly beneath him. Damn, he’s strong. I thought of Jade. I knew once she fell asleep, she slept like the dead, but I called out anyway. “Jade!” The roar of the waves drowned out my voice.

Jean-Luc found the button of my jeans. “Arrête!” I managed to whisper hoarsely. “Stop!” I don’t know whether he heard me. The men on the streets of Paris had stopped when I said no. But I couldn’t seem to figure out a way make Jean-Luc leave me alone.

Holding me down with one arm he managed to push my jeans and underwear past my ankles with the other. On a cushion of hashish, my mind drifted far away from the reality of what was happening. I let my body go limp; I just wanted it to be over so I could go back to sleep and dream about the stars and the sea. I don’t know whether I fainted or what, but I seemed to sink into blackness.

Sometime during the night, I came to. My bag was zipped up, and I was, at last, alone.

aaAA

Above the whooshing of the waves, I heard Bernard’s angry voice outside the tent, and Jean-Luc’s sharp retort rising above it. I sat up and glanced at Jade beside me, her mouth open as she slept.

The buzz from last night had worn off. I remembered everything: Jean-Luc’s hands pressing me down, his penis jabbing into me. Jean-Luc had had sex with me against my will, that much was clear. But it had been my fault too. Why had I let myself get so stoned?

The tent’s zipper let in fresh air as I stepped out. Jean-Luc turned away from Bernard to put his hand on my shoulder. I jerked away. Jean-Luc looked surprised and even a little hurt. Really? Did he think we were together now or something? I pulled my cardigan close, buttoning it against the cool morning air. I’ve got to play it cool. We’re dependent on Jean-Luc to drive us back. I turned to trek across the sand to the bathrooms. With each footfall, I felt my tears flow faster. I sat, letting the sobs come and when they finally stopped, I wiped the tears away and walked back.

I saw that they had a little blue gas flame burning with a coffeepot on top. Bernard produced half a stick of bread, tore a piece off, and passed the loaf around. I took a deep breath of the pungent sea air. It had helped to cry. I felt a little better. My hands closed gratefully around the mug of fragrant coffee and I sat down in the sand.

Something was going on with the two guys. As they ate, Jean-Luc stared at the sun rising over the waves and Bernard looked down at the ground. They might have been a married couple after a tiff. Jean-Luc lit a cigarette as Jade came stumbling out of the tent. She took the mug of coffee Bernard offered to her.

Jean-Luc said, “We need to take the tent down before people start coming to the beach.” So we helped them pack up. Then we piled into the car and drove to a high-rise building in Montpellier.

“Our friends Aimée and Jean live here,” said Bernard. “They’ll let us use their shower.”

Aimée greeted us at the door, kissing the men on both cheeks. She said bonjour to Jade and me.

I tried to shower quickly because I knew the others were waiting. Even so, I tipped my face up to the stream of water and willed it to wash away what had happened last night. But although my face felt clean, my heart was still in no-man’s-land. It was as though a part of me was sullenly waiting for me to pay attention to it. But there was no time to do that now; it would have to wait. I put on the same clothes I’d had on from yesterday and waited on the sofa while Jade took her turn in the shower. Jean-Luc sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. I glared at him and moved away from his touch.

“What’s wrong?” he said.

I looked at him. He doesn’t even seem to think he’s done anything wrong! “I’m not your girlfriend, that’s what,” I said. He shrugged as though that was beside the point. “I didn’t want to sleep with you last night,” I tried again.

“I thought you wanted to.”

“Yes? Even after I told you I didn’t?”

“But by that time, I couldn’t stop.”

“Couldn’t? You mean you didn’t want to stop.”

“I’m sorry, Sophie.” He hung his head.

Was he really sorry? I didn’t think so. I was the sorry one.

“We are planning to go to a beautiful cave called Grotte des Demoiselles,” he continued. “We are going especially for you and Jade. I think you will like it. Will you come?”

“We have to get back to Montpellier,” I said.

“Please, Sophie. I want to do something good for you. After that, I will take you back. But if you don’t want to go, I’ll take you back now.”

“Go where?” Jade asked, plopping down in a chair. Jean-Luc told her about the cave. Naturally, she wanted to go. She never wanted to miss out on anything. So we ended up bumping along in the back seat of Aimée’s car with Bernard and Jade. Jean-Luc rode in the front seat. My stomach was suddenly queasy. Sweat pricked my face and I started to cry again. I wanted my mom.

Through my tears, I looked over at Jade’s surprised expression. “Arrête!” I said, my voice squeaking. “Stop the car!” The car slowed and stopped by the side of the road. Four faces turned to stare at me as I wiped the tears away. “Take us to the fac,” I said, looking into Jean-Luc’s piercing blue eyes. I turned to Bernard. “Thank you for yesterday.”

Jean-Luc frowned.

For a moment, I actually felt guilty for bailing out. Then abruptly, Aimée started the car and turned the wheel, heading back to Montpellier. We drove in silence. At the university, the men hauled out our gear and dumped it by the side of the road. Bernard grunted and kissed me and Jade on both cheeks. Jean-Luc grasped my hand, ignoring Jade. “Peace,” he said in English.