Chapter Five

Not Officially Crazy

Jade and I decided to go back to the hostel. We collapsed on our beds and soon fell asleep. I had a dream that I was in the tent with Jean-Luc and had floated up to the ceiling where he couldn’t reach me. I wanted to get out of the tent, but the only way out was through the door and I would have had to come down and risk being grabbed by him. “Jade!” I yelled.

Her head appeared upside down from the upper mattress. “What’s the matter?” When I told her the dream, she said, “Oh, that’s awful, Sophie.” She looked at her watch. “We ought to get ready for dinner.” Climbing down from her bunk, she put her hand comfortingly on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, sure,” I mumbled, determined for it to be true.

Jade and I dug in our backpacks for something to wear, pulling out our dresses from the bottom. They were short, pretty synthetic numbers; easy-care types, but mine was wrinkled and it smelled funny. I sprinkled the dress with water and some cologne of Jade’s then waved it around out the window.

“That’s where I want to go for dinner,” I pointed. “Up that hill. See? That’s Sacré-Coeur.”

“What does that mean? Sacred cow?”

“No, you ding-dong. They wouldn’t name a church that. It means Sacred Heart.”

“Oh.”

We put on colored knee socks that matched our dresses. We even applied some makeup and put on our platform shoes. I could only find one earring. Anyway, my hair had grown out over my ears by then so I decided to skip earrings. It seemed ages ago when I’d gotten a haircut back home. I brushed my blond hair until it shone, deciding I’d rather wait to get it cut when it was long enough for me to try something different. We took sweaters in case it got cool. I was nervous when we thumped down the stairs to meet Kari and Annik, wondering whether we were dressed right or if we had to wear jeans and flannel shirts to go to a lesbian club.

Annik was wearing pants, but she looked dressed up in a long-sleeved lacy top and dangly earrings, so I relaxed about how we looked. Kari looked nice too in a white shirt with a large pointed collar, a pearl on a chain around her neck, and dark flared pants. She sported earrings too but not the dangly kind.

We didn’t talk much on the subway, but I stole glances at the two women, who were holding hands discreetly. They seemed a few years older than us. I bet they had jobs. I liked Annik’s red tangly hair, the way it changed color and glowed with the shifting light. I have always been riveted by red hair and the translucent skin that often goes with it. Kari sat beside her and smiled as she caught my eye as though she knew I’d been admiring her girlfriend. I couldn’t help but grin back. Excitement bubbled through my body. Here I was with lesbians, on my way to who knows where? It was the start of a great adventure, I just knew it, and I could hardly believe that something like this was really happening to me.

We climbed the stone steps toward the top of Montmartre where the Sacré-Coeur Basilica glowed above us in the floodlights. On the left, across a stretch of grass, were dark woods. We could have been in the country instead of the middle of Paris, except when I glanced back over Jade and Kari’s heads I could see the city spread out. On one side was the Étoile—its lighted streets radiated from the Arc de Triomphe to form a star. And beyond the black curve of the river glittered the Eiffel Tower. “Look, Jade,” I said pointing.

I remembered the night Natalie ran down a stairway just like this from Linden Park in Saint Paul toward the river. It was winter and her long sealskin coat flew dramatically behind her. I turned back to the steps and continued trudging up them as the wind whipped around my face. I hugged myself against the chill and when we finally reached the top, I pulled my sweater on. Our eyes were drawn to the satin blanket of light that spread around us on all sides. No wonder Paris was called “the city of light.” Our eyes turned back to the church with its lighted dome.

“How old is it?” asked Jade.

“Oh, it’s new.” Annik laughed. “Finished in the early part of this century. But that little church over there”—she pointed down a nearby lane—“that one is one of the oldest in Paris, maybe eight hundred years old.”

“Do you know why this hill is called Montmartre?” I asked.

“Sure,” said Kari. “Something to do with some martyrs. When was that? When were there Christian martyrs? Close to two thousand years ago, I think.”

“It was Saint Denis and a couple others,” said Annik. “They were beheaded on this hill.”

“Gross,” said Jade.

“This hill used to be a peaceful little country village,” Annik continued, “with windmills. There is still a little vineyard up here somewhere. And they dug out plaster of Paris here, too.”

“It’s the mineral gypsum, actually,” Jade said, catching and holding her hair away from her face.

“Oh, yes,” said Annik. “They used the windmills to grind it up. Then the windmills became cabarets like the Moulin Rouge. And famous artists lived up here, like Renoir and Picasso.”

We followed Kari down a narrow, cobbled lane past the old church. Cars were parked halfway up on the sidewalk so we had to walk single file. Ahead, I glimpsed a large square from which drifted snatches of music. Several small restaurants on this side street had tables set out on the sidewalk, but no diners were out because of the wind. We checked menus posted in the windows and entered a tiny place called les Grands Amis. The large owner greeted us with a big smile, called us mesdemoiselles, and seated us near the window. All the empty tables had wineglasses turned upside down.

We ordered a bottle of red and, as an appetizer, some snails in garlic sauce with medallions of fried bread. I’d never had snails. Despite my initial distaste, they were delicious. But then, almost everything tastes good in France. When the waiter came back, I ordered the more familiar Boef Bourguignon as my entrée.

“So, you are going to study in France, Sophie?” said Annik.

“Yes, I’m majoring in French,” I said. “Jade’s in engineering.”

“You are going to build bridges, eh?” said Kari.

“I’ll build something,” said Jade.

“Where have you been on your travels?” asked Kari, leaning her elbows on the table with the air of a good listener.

We told them where we had been, finishing with Montpellier.

“We met these French guys in Montpellier,” Jade blurted out.

I am going to kill her.

“They seemed nice,” Jade continued, oblivious to my mood. “We went to the beach and camped with them.”

“Oh?” said Kari. She looked at my glowering face. “Did something happen?”

Annik said, “Stop it, Kari. This is none of our business.”

I took a long drink of my wine, recovering my poise as the liquid seeped through my veins. After all, we had told no one so far. Who better to confide in than these kind strangers? I finally said truthfully, “I don’t mind talking about it. One of them thought I wanted to have sex with him,” I said.

“Why did he think that?” Kari asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe because we decided to camp with them.”

“That is not a reason,” Kari replied sternly.

“For a French person it might be,” I replied.

“Are you saying you were raped, Sophie?” Annik asked.

I nodded. I took a deep breath to explain, but just then the waiter arrived with our meals. When he left, I said, “Actually, I learned a big lesson.”

“What is that?” Annik asked.

“That I need to learn to trust myself.” They nodded, seeming to understand what I meant. “I’m getting better at it.” I grinned. “When I met you two I didn’t let my shyness stop me like I normally would have.”

“That’s wonderful,” said Annik. “I’m so glad we met.”

“We thought at first you two were a couple,” said Kari, changing the subject. I relaxed, concentrating again on my delicious meal.

“Oh no, we’re just friends,” Jade said.

“I am usually not wrong,” Kari said, looking at me. “I had a feeling maybe you are one who likes girls.”

“I guess I am,” I said. “But I don’t know—I have no experience.”

Kari said, “Do you need experience to know what you like?”

I laughed nervously. “No. But tell us about you. Are you students, too?”

“I am a nurse,” said Annik, “and Kari is a medical student.”

“Where are you from in Holland?” I asked.

“Amsterdam,” she said. “We live together now, since just before we came on this trip.” They exchanged a happy glance.

“Oh,” said Jade. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you. We plan to get married,” said Kari.

I gasped. “Really?”

“Are you surprised?” asked Kari.

“Well, I always thought marriage had to be between a man and a woman.”

“Why?”

“I guess it doesn’t,” I said, my voice faltering.

“Is it legal in Holland?” Jade asked, a step ahead of me.

“No, not yet,” said Annik with a smile. “We’ll have a ceremony with our family and friends.”

“But someday we’ll have the real thing,” said Kari. “It will happen in the Netherlands. Things are changing so fast. Two years ago, they lowered the age of consent. It used to be twenty-one for gays and sixteen for everyone else.”

“That wasn’t fair,” Jade said.

“No, it wasn’t. And now, just this year,” said Annik excitedly, “the military has decided to accept homosexuals, and also we are no longer officially considered crazy by the mental health association.” She laughed. “That’s something, eh? Anyway, our country has always had a liberal attitude, like France. A lot of people are coming out in the Netherlands now.”

“I guess a lot are in the US too,” I said, “but you’re miles ahead of us. Our country is so conservative.”

“And yet, because of you we have the gay liberation movement around the world, because of Stonewall,” Kari said.

“What’s that?” asked Jade. I hadn’t heard of it either.

“You don’t know about Stonewall? It’s a famous bar in Greenwich Village in New York,” she answered. “I can’t believe it was just four years ago. The police used to raid gay bars. But this time, the people fought back. There was a riot and the police lost control. After that, there were protests around the world. This was a very big story, Sophie.”

“I was in high school,” I said defensively, “and there were so many riots and protests going on.”

“Well, now you know about it,” Kari said.

“Are there lesbian bars in Amsterdam?” I asked.

“A few, yes.”

Jade said, “I see lots of androgynous-looking women on campus.”

“I can’t see myself dressing that way,” I said. “I like pretty clothes.”

Annik said, “The women the police went after, they were butches, dressed just like men. But now, it’s not considered feminist to want to look like a man. You have to be androgynous.”

“Not everywhere,” said Kari. “There are still some bars in Paris where you walk in and think you are looking at men and women, but they’re actually all women. A lot of women in the past wanted to pass as men just for their own protection on the streets.”

“You two don’t dress androgynously,” Jade observed.

“No, we don’t,” said Annik.

Our food came and we became absorbed in eating. After a while, Jade asked, “What club are we going to tonight?”

“It’s called Club 18,” said Kari. “It’s mixed. We sometimes go to women’s clubs here too, like Frida—Annik likes that one—and Moune. But at Club 18 the music is really good. Saturday is ladies’ night, which just means there are more women. It is near Palais Royale. I think we can take a bus from here. Would you like that? You can see more of Paris.”

“You guys seem to know Paris pretty well,” I said.

“We do,” Kari said, taking Annik’s hand. “We love Paris. It’s so free here. You can kiss on the street, and no one cares!”

We paid and walked out again into the breezy night. On the way back down the stairs, I held onto the railing. Two glasses of wine for me was a lot, but by the time we got to the bottom and were waiting at the bus stop, my head had cleared. On the bus sitting next to Jade, I looked at buildings and watched the traffic, I felt nervous about what lay ahead.

Finally, we got off and walked a couple of blocks to rue Beaujolais, stopping at a door where people were milling around. The number over the door was “18.” I could hear music inside. As we went through and paid the cover charge, I saw an ordinary club. The walls were painted gold. There were tables and red vinyl booths along the sides of the room and a dance floor with a mirrored globe light above.

“This place is usually packed,” said Kari. “We are lucky. I think many people are still on vacation. So we won’t have to wait for a table.”

We sat down and ordered drinks. I feasted my eyes on the crowd. There were many women sitting in pairs or in groups or walking between tables. Some had their arms draped around each other; some were holding hands.

This being Paris, I shouldn’t have worried that anyone would be dressed too casually. I saw women in stylish jackets and pants and also in dresses or long, flowered skirts. Jade and I did not stand out as I’d feared.

The music started again. It was a good thing that staring was allowed in France because I could not stop doing it. Men danced with men and women with women. Everyone looked happy with the arrangement.

What’s the big deal? Why do people want everyone to be the same? Nature doesn’t make us all the same. Only I guess people like to be with others like themselves. Now I’m the one who feels different. All these people seem so sure of who they are.

I sipped my drink as my eyes continued to dart around the room. Everyone I knew seemed to fall into a slot, including Jade and Kari and Annik. I felt a huge hunger to have what they had, to know where I belonged the way they did.