LILY WAS ALONE AGAIN.
Otto had left, he’d gone back to his hotel. She felt conflicted about him staying in a hotel. This was his house after all, perhaps she should offer to move out? He should be able to live in his own house. But she knew she couldn’t stay there with him.
She was finding it hard to keep her thoughts moving in an orderly fashion. Normally she was focused, able to compartmentalise, but Otto’s arrival had her confused. Her mind was muddled and she found herself jumping between thoughts. Her head was telling her one thing but when she saw him, when he smiled at her or touched her hand, her heart told her something else altogether.
No, not her heart. Just her hormones. They’d get used to him being around soon enough, she thought as she sliced some lemon and added it to a jug of water, which she carried out to the deck, placing it on the table, keeping busy as she waited for her sisters. After Otto had left, the house had felt way too empty so she’d messaged her siblings and invited them over. Jet was busy but Poppy and Daisy were on their way. She needed their company—she was worried that if she was alone she might be tempted to call Otto and ask him to come back. It was much better to call her siblings while her mind was in turmoil.
Poppy had offered to pick up takeaway from Lao Lao’s kitchen, Jet’s fiancée’s family restaurant, and Lily had happily agreed. As the eldest sibling she’d always taken on the role of looking after her younger brother and sisters and it was nice to have someone look after her for a change.
‘So, I’m guessing you’re about to tell us that Otto is back?’ Poppy said as she helped herself to another dumpling from a container.
Poppy didn’t meet her eye but Lily didn’t miss the glance she shared with Daisy and she realised that her news wasn’t going to be news at all. ‘You knew that?’ she asked, looking at Daisy, making sure she could read her lips, knowing Poppy would be able to hear her question while Daisy’s hearing impairment would make that impossible.
‘Ajay told me he’d met him at work,’ Daisy said.
‘He knew who he was?’ Lily realised she’d been foolish to think she could keep her relationship to Otto a secret. The hospital grapevine was constantly working in overtime and with most of Lily’s family connected to the hospital in some way her marital situation was bound to be discovered sooner or later.
‘He knew your husband is a doctor named Otto...’ Daisy said, leaving her comment to trail off and leaving Lily wondering why until Poppy filled in the gap.
‘He might have heard Otto was coming back.’
‘How?’ Lily frowned. She hadn’t even known. Daisy’s fiancé, Ajay, worked in the emergency department with Lily—he would be no more privy to who was being hired than she was.
‘I have a confession to make,’ Poppy added. ‘Ryder and I invited him to our wedding.’
‘What? Why?’
‘He’s family. I didn’t want to exclude him.’
‘Our parents are family too but you’re not inviting them.’ Lily knew Ryder had suggested a couple of times to Poppy that she should invite her parents, worried that she might have regrets later, but Poppy remained resolute and her parents remained uninvited.
‘I wanted Otto to be there. I thought you’d be pleased to see him.’
‘He told me he came back because he was offered a position at Bondi General.’ Lily was confused. ‘He hasn’t mentioned your wedding.’
‘He didn’t come back because of our wedding. When I invited him he said he was coming home anyway. He’d already accepted the job at Bondi General, our wedding just gave him a deadline.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d invited him?’
‘I assumed he would.’
‘Well, he didn’t.’
‘I didn’t realise he hadn’t.’
‘You’re not pleased he’s back?’ Daisy signed.
‘Maybe a year ago I would have been,’ Lily replied, using her hands to communicate. All the Carlson siblings had learnt to sign after Daisy had lost her hearing as a child. Daisy often preferred to use sign language, particularly in a group situation, as she found it hard to follow multiple conversations if she had to lip read.
‘What does that mean?’ Daisy hands fired back another question.
‘I feel a bit unravelled by it all, to be honest,’ she admitted.
A year ago her biological clock hadn’t been ticking as loudly as it was now. Now it threatened to drown out every sensible thought in her head any time she found her mind wandering. A year ago she thought she could have looked at Otto without noticing the passing of time, without feeling the absence of children—not just the baby they’d lost but all the future children she wanted. She was running out of time but she didn’t know if she was going to get what she needed from Otto. She had no idea if he was going to be prepared to meet her timeline. Was she wasting precious weeks by agreeing to counselling? By agreeing to give him those three months?
‘I don’t know what to think. What to do. What to say. I wasn’t expecting him and I’m not prepared for this.’ She realised that was one of the biggest factors contributing to her sense of upheaval. She hated feeling unprepared. All her life she’d committed time and energy to preparing for things—from tests, exams, job interviews and holidays, right through to Sydney and then London—she never went in blind. Her unconventional, chaotic and crazy childhood had taught her that she coped best if she knew what was coming, if she felt ready. Otto should have known that about her and she found herself a little irritated that he’d put her on the spot by arriving unannounced. She wasn’t prepared in any way for his return.
‘How is he?’ Daisy asked, as concerned as always for everyone’s feelings.
Lily shrugged. ‘Fine.’ Otto had an unwavering sense of optimism. Things had pretty much always worked out for him so why wouldn’t he have a positive disposition? Even after her announcement she could tell he felt that this was just a glitch, a problem to solve, something to be fixed, and she knew he thought he’d be able to fix it. She wasn’t so sure. But her sisters didn’t know about the grenade she’d lobbed at Otto the moment he’d arrived home. She’d have to tell them.
‘Maybe you just need some time to adjust to having him back,’ Poppy suggested.
‘Maybe...but I’d just made some big decisions and now he’s back and it’s messing with my plans.’
‘What sort of big decisions?’
‘I told him I want a divorce.’
‘What? Why?’
‘You can’t divorce him. He’s your person.’
Poppy and Daisy objected simultaneously.
‘But what if he’s not my person?’
‘What do you mean?’ Daisy asked.
‘I know you think there’s a person for everyone but there has to be more than one,’ Lily argued. Plenty of people found love a second time around. Daisy’s fiancé, Ajay, was a prime example. He’d been married before, happily married until tragedy struck, but he’d fallen in love with Daisy as well. But Lily wasn’t going to give specific examples. She didn’t want to remind Daisy of Ajay’s past. She knew it as well as Lily did. ‘And what if I chose the wrong person to start with?’
‘No.’ Daisy was shaking her head. ‘I’ve seen you with Otto, we all have and yes, I know that some people are lucky enough to find love more than once but all of us fall hard and fast. I’ve decided that it’s a Carlson trait. Look at Jet and Mei, Poppy and Ryder. They fell hard and fast and even with other relationships in between that love never died. Nothing else they found could compare to how things felt when they were with the one. I look at you and Otto and I see the same thing.’
Lily wasn’t so sure. She used to think she and Otto were destined for each other but things had changed.
But what if Daisy was right? What if Otto was the only one for her? What if she was about to throw away her future? What if she never found happiness with someone else?
But she’d never know if she didn’t try. ‘We’ve been apart for almost two years,’ Lily said. ‘I can’t waste any more time.’
‘This is your marriage! You’re not wasting time.’
Daisy might think Otto and Lily were meant to be but Daisy had always had a rose-coloured view of love. And just because Daisy thought the Carlsons were the type to give their hearts away once and only once didn’t mean that Lily couldn’t be the exception to the rule.
She and Otto had married quickly, they’d had a whirlwind courtship and then spent almost half of their married life apart. She had nothing to measure their relationship against. How was she to know if he was the right one for her, the only one for her?
How had they let themselves get to this point?
‘Can you tell me what brought you here today?’
Lily perched rigidly on the edge of the sofa in the therapist’s office, feeling as if she was getting ready to bolt for the door at any moment.
Poppy’s fiancé, Ryder, had recently started work as a psychologist. He worked with at risk teenagers but had passed on a recommendation for a marriage counsellor. Lily had agreed to counselling, knowing she would recommend the same to her siblings or friends and knowing she owed Otto that much at least. She just hoped it wasn’t a waste of time. She didn’t think counselling would fix their problems but perhaps it would give them closure on their relationship.
She looked around the room, trying to calm her nerves. The space was decorated in neutral tones, with pot plants to soften the space and sheer curtains at the open window. The counsellor had positioned a small three-seater couch opposite her armchair and there was a second armchair to the right of the couch. It looked like a lounge room and was obviously decorated with the aim of relaxing its occupants but despite that Lily was on edge and she was aware of Otto’s tension as well. But while she was stiff and uptight his unease made him restless. He’d chosen to sit on the couch with her, ignoring the single armchair. Was that habit, for show or did he really want to sit beside her? She didn’t know.
She returned her attention to the therapist. What had Helen asked? Why were they here?
Lily had known they’d be asked that question but she found herself suddenly unprepared. She was nervous, anxious, tongue-tied. It reminded her of the feeling she’d experienced before oral exams in medical school. What if she didn’t know the answer? What if she got one wrong and the lecturer thought she didn’t know her topic?
She thought about her answer now. Was it wrong to open with ‘I want a divorce’?
Was that still what she wanted? She had agreed to give him three months. Perhaps it would sound better if she said she wanted a fresh start. But was that too ambiguous? Did she want a fresh start with Otto or with someone new?
She sighed. A fresh start with Otto wasn’t possible. Not after everything that had happened. It wasn’t easier to start again but it would be less painful. She couldn’t look at Otto without remembering what she’d lost.
‘Otto? Lily? I need to know why you’re here today,’ Helen repeated.
Lily flinched.
She was here because Otto had asked her to come. Because she’d told him she wanted a divorce. She needed to be honest. She owed it to herself and to Otto.
Otto and Helen were both looking at her, waiting for her to speak. Why did she have to go first?
‘I want a divorce,’ she said. She’d wanted to sound so certain, so sure of herself, but her mouth was dry and her voice was barely above a whisper. Her future without Otto had been so much easier to imagine while Otto was on the other side of the world. It was a lot harder when he was sitting beside her.
‘And I don’t,’ Otto stated.
Lily couldn’t help but notice how determined he sounded even though there was nothing he could do to prevent a divorce, nothing except try to change her mind.
‘I am used to seeing couples who have differing points of view, it goes with my job, and I appreciate you’ve both taken time to come to see me today,’ Helen replied. ‘So that I can understand your situation, can you tell me what you are hoping to achieve through counselling?
‘Maybe it would be easier for you if I explain how I see my role,’ she continued when neither Lily nor Otto were forthcoming with any more details. ‘My role is to help you work through what your issues are. What your needs are. To help you work out if these are things that you can work on, if these are things you want to work on. It might be behaviours that need to be modified, it might be expectations. And that will be the case for both of you. I hear you already have differing points of view. This is your opportunity to work out if you are prepared to consider working together on your marriage or if it’s time to step away. We will not be apportioning blame. Marriage is a partnership and you have to work together if you want it to be successful.
‘I will give you things to think about,’ Helen said, ‘things to talk about, but I cannot give you the answers. I can’t tell you what to do nor can I make the decisions for you. It is up to the two of you to determine where you go from here. If I can start with you, Lily. You said you want a divorce.’ She paused, waiting for Lily’s response.
Lily nodded.
‘I’m a counsellor, not a divorce lawyer. Why have you chosen to come to counselling?’
‘Otto asked me to.’
‘Why did you agree to come?’ Helen rephrased her question.
Coming to counselling was a way to assuage her guilt for her part in all this. She’d blamed Otto but she was the one who had walked away from their marriage. It had been easier to walk away, to try to outrun her sorrow, than to confront their issues and she felt guilty for that.
Staying in London would have meant seeing Otto every day. Being reminded of everything they’d lost. Being reminded that there were still only two of them when there should have been three and that she was partly responsible for that. Running away had meant she could avoid thinking about what had happened, to some degree. Putting some distance between her and Otto had let her forget what had happened, if only for short periods of time. But some respite from her guilt, her sadness, her loss, was better than none at all. Some respite had allowed her to function. Running away had enabled her to avoid admitting to her role in the tragedy.
She was still avoiding it.
And that was why she had agreed to come. It was easier to agree to counselling than it was to apologise for her part in all of this.
Was it also easier to ask for a divorce than to ask for forgiveness? Was it easier to ask for a divorce than to apologise?
It must be.
‘If you’ve already decided you want a divorce, I take it you’re not interested in saving your marriage?’ Helen asked when Lily gave no response. ‘What do you need from me?’
Did she want to save her marriage? She would have said yes two years ago, even one year ago, but now? Now she felt their paths had diverged too much. She wanted babies. He didn’t. It was as simple as that. ‘I thought maybe you could help us to communicate better with each other.’
‘Has that been an issue?’
Lily nodded again. ‘We seem to have difficulty discussing the important things. Like divorce. If Otto and I don’t agree that a divorce is the best thing for us, then that’s a difficult conversation to have. I thought you might be able to help us with that process. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to argue. I just want to move forward with my life. I thought counselling might give us closure.’
Lily could feel Otto tensing beside her. She didn’t need to be looking at him to be aware of his reaction. Every one of her nerves was still attuned to him. Physically they were connected, it was emotionally where she felt the divide. His physical reactions were always obvious to her but his thoughts were harder to decipher.
‘Otto?’ Helen asked. ‘Why did you choose to have counselling?’
‘Definitely not to help us get divorced. The opposite. I hoped it would help us work out a way forward—together.’
‘You understand that might not be possible?’
‘Yes.’
‘Tell me about your situation,’ the therapist asked. ‘How long have you been married?’
‘Almost five years. That has to be worth something, doesn’t it, Lil?’ Otto looked at her, his brown eyes dark and imploring.
Lily couldn’t hold his gaze. She could see his pain, she felt it too, but the pain they shared wasn’t lessened by sharing. Seeing him was a reminder of everything they’d lost and she couldn’t trust him not to break her heart all over again.
He’d promised to take care of her. To love her always. And she felt he’d abandoned her at the first obstacle. In their marriage vows they’d promised to support each other but when things went wrong it hadn’t brought them together, it had torn them apart. She turned back to Helen. ‘But Otto has been in London for two years. We’ve been living apart.’
‘That was your decision, Lily,’ Otto said.
‘Otto,’ Helen interrupted. ‘Let Lily talk. You will have your turn.’
‘He didn’t even tell me he was coming back,’ Lily continued, ignoring Otto’s comment. He was right, she had chosen to leave but he hadn’t come after her, he’d chosen to let her go. ‘That’s just one example of our lack of communication. We used to be able to talk to each other.’
‘What changed?’
‘Lily stopped talking,’ Otto replied as he turned to face her. ‘You shut me out. You wouldn’t tell me how you were feeling.’
She’d been scared to start talking, scared she’d lose control and wouldn’t be able to recover. Scared of where she would end up.
‘I was feeling the same way every day, alone with my sadness, alone with my grief, alone with my loss.’
‘It was our loss, Lily,’ Otto stressed, before telling Helen. ‘We lost our baby at twenty-one weeks. That was when things changed.’
Helen was silent for a beat or two before asking, ‘Do you want to talk about your loss, Lily?’
Lily shook her head, the irony not lost on her. She wanted to talk to Otto but she wasn’t ready to talk to a stranger about their baby even if she was a counsellor. Lily’s grief was still too raw to share with anyone else. It was personal. It was between her and Otto.
Lily knew it would be difficult for counselling to help her if she wasn’t prepared to unpack some of her emotional baggage but then, she hadn’t really expected counselling to help anyway. If she could learn how to find forgiveness, that would be a start.
She was aware that Helen was observing them. It made her nervous. What was she looking for? What did she see?
‘You were in London together?’
Lily nodded.
‘But you came back alone?’
‘Almost two years ago.’
‘Why did you do that?’
‘I needed things that I couldn’t get in London.’
‘Like?’
‘Comfort. I needed comfort and company.’
‘But Otto was there.’
‘Physically, yes. But not emotionally. We weren’t communicating. I barely knew anyone and after our loss I felt even more alone. Adrift. I needed my siblings and I needed the ocean. This ocean.’ She waved one arm in the direction of the Pacific Ocean. She and her siblings had spent their childhoods in the ocean, swimming and surfing. It was where she found calm, it was where her soul was restored. ‘I needed to see it. I needed to be in it. And I needed to see the sun, to feel it on my skin. This is my home. I needed to come home.’
‘Did you intend to go back?’ Helen asked.
‘I don’t know.’ She’d been so intent on leaving she hadn’t thought about what came afterwards. About how long she’d stay away. She hadn’t really intended not to go back but she hadn’t returned either. She’d been in limbo. And she’d stayed there for two years. There were too many painful memories in London.
‘You said you and Otto used to be able to talk to each other?’
Lily nodded.
‘Do you agree, Otto?’ Helen asked.
‘Yes.’
‘I’m going to give you some homework. Do you remember your first date?’
‘Yes,’ they answered simultaneously. Lily could feel Otto looking at her but she refused to meet his gaze this time. She didn’t want to share that moment. She needed to block out those memories if she wanted to move forwards.
‘Where did you go?’
‘We went for a drink at a bar near the hospital where we met,’ Otto replied.
‘Good. I want you to go out together. I want you to talk to each other as if you’ve just met. Get to know each other again. Listen. Put everything that has happened aside, just for the moment,’ Helen added, probably in response to Lily’s expression.
‘What is the point in that?’ Lily asked.
‘It’s an exercise in listening. I don’t want you talking about big things, things that require debate or discussion. I want you to talk about simple things. Practise your listening skills, show an interest in what the other person is saying without having to think of an argument. Without conflict, without agenda. Talk about what you do in your spare time, about your hobbies, the movies you like, your favourite places to visit. Think about all the things you wanted to know about each other when you first met.
‘You need to open the lines of communication but you need to choose a neutral topic,’ Helen continued. ‘Something that isn’t associated with your relationship, something that isn’t raw and emotional. Something that won’t lead you to judge each other’s feelings. You can work your way up to those big discussions once you feel that you can trust each other to be honest. Once you know you can listen without judgement. When you can listen without assuming how the other person is feeling. I want you to start over.
‘Do you think you can do that, Otto? Lily?’
Lily nodded. She wasn’t sure but she was prepared to give it a try. She had never been given a homework task that she hadn’t completed and she couldn’t agree to counselling and then refuse to commit to the process.
‘There’s a bar across the road,’ Otto said as they left Helen’s office. ‘Shall we go there?’
‘You want to do this now?’
‘Why not?’
Lily could think of a million reasons why not, including the fact that she would prefer time to prepare mentally for the homework Helen had set them. She’d prefer time to think about some safe, neutral topics of conversation and to find a safe, neutral venue. A wine bar wasn’t what she had in mind. ‘You want to go to a bar? This isn’t a date. It’s an exercise.’
‘That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves, that we can’t have fun. You do remember how to have fun, don’t you?’
She was too embarrassed to admit that maybe she didn’t. Otto was always the one who brought the fun to their relationship. She was much more serious. Her life before she met Otto hadn’t been a lot of fun and life without Otto definitely hadn’t been fun. But she wasn’t going to tell him that.
‘Come on, let me buy you a drink.’
He grinned at her and held out his hand and she could feel her resistance folding. She’d have to work on strengthening her resolve if she hoped to execute her plan. She couldn’t afford to let Otto back into her life. There was too much at stake.
But she had agreed to the homework so she crossed the road but ignored his outstretched hand. Not that Otto seemed to mind. She could tell by his expression that he was taking her acquiescence as a victory to him. She’d let him have this one but the battle was far from over.
There was a small courtyard at the back of the bar and Otto found them a table for two under the vines. It was a lovely evening to sit outdoors, warm and still. He passed her a drinks list. ‘What can I get you?’ he asked.
‘I’ll have a gin and tonic, thanks.’
‘Would you like anything to eat?’
She shook her head. Having something to eat would take longer and she would find it more difficult to escape. One drink would be enough.
‘Where shall we start?’ Otto asked as he returned from the bar with their drinks.
‘I don’t know, this feels so pointless.’
‘What does?’
‘Having to sit here and make small talk,’ she said. ‘I already know everything about you.’
‘It’s homework, Lil. Do you want to go back to Helen and tell her you didn’t do it?’
She’d always been studious. She knew she wouldn’t. And Otto knew that too. ‘No.’
‘We’ve got two years of catching up to do. I don’t really know what you’ve been up to although Jet tells me he is a father, which makes you an auntie.’
‘You’ve spoken to Jet?’
‘We’ve stayed in touch.’
Lily knew Otto had spoken to Poppy but she didn’t realise he ‘kept in touch’ with any of her siblings on a regular basis and hearing it was Jet was doubly surprising. Lily sometimes wondered if Jet would keep in touch with his own sisters if they didn’t make an effort but Otto had always got along well with her family. His willingness to embrace her siblings was one of the many things she’d found attractive about him and that didn’t seem to have changed. She wondered what else about him hadn’t changed. There were some things she wanted to stay the same and others she needed to know had evolved.
‘So, I have a niece.’
She nodded. ‘I guess you do.’
‘And An Na is what...seven?’
‘Yes. She’s amazing and Daisy is going to be a stepmum to a two-year-old, Niki.’
‘I’ve met Ajay. He seems like a good bloke.’
‘He is. Daisy is madly in love.’
‘So all three of your siblings are settling down.’
Lily nodded. ‘It’s been a whirlwind five months.’ And it had reignited her desire for a family of her own and had put her on the path to asking Otto for a divorce. ‘It’s ironic, isn’t it?’
‘What is?’
‘I’m the one who desperately wants kids and Jet and Daisy will both have a family before me. Poppy probably will too.’
‘You’ve got a family. You’ve got me.’
Lily shook her head. ‘You know what I mean. I want kids.’
‘I do too.’
‘But not right now.’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘I want to get my career established first. We’ve talked about this.’
‘Are you prepared for it to cost us our marriage?’
‘I’m hoping it won’t come to that,’ he replied.
‘It will unless one of us changes our minds. Otherwise nothing will be resolved.’
‘Let’s see what happens,’ he said.
She knew he was expecting her to change her mind. He should know better.
The timely arrival of a waitress at their table broke the thread of the conversation. She delivered some small share plates—flatbread and dips and salt and pepper calamari with golden fries. Lily pinched a chip from the bowl. If she had her mouth full she wouldn’t be expected to talk.
‘I thought you weren’t eating?’ Otto teased as he pushed the bowl closer to her.
‘They smell so good,’ she said.
‘I ordered extra... I knew you’d want some. You always did prefer to eat off my plate.’
That was true. No matter what she ordered when they ate out she always ended up preferring whatever Otto had ordered. He’d always been happy to share and there were plenty of times where he’d even swapped orders with her. She’d forgotten how generous he was in some ways.
‘What do your parents think of becoming grandparents?’ Otto asked as she sampled the calamari.
Her parents were far from typical and if Lily hade ever entertained a notion of them changing their ways she was yet to see any evidence of it. Even the arrival of grandchildren wasn’t enough to bring out their nurturing side.
‘They haven’t met An Na yet.’
‘No?’
‘Dad had a cerebral aneurysm about the same time that we found out about An Na.’
‘You didn’t tell me.’
Lily thought he could add that to the long list of things she’d never told him. She didn’t have a close relationship with her parents—growing up on a commune hadn’t fostered close ties and she disagreed with a lot of their beliefs. Her strained relationship with them meant they rarely entered into her conversations, with Otto or anyone else. She shrugged. ‘He’s recovering well but they haven’t been down to Sydney. They don’t seem in any hurry to meet An Na or Ajay’s son, Niki.’
‘They’re still living on the commune?’
‘Yes.’
‘Have you seen your dad since his aneurysm?’
‘The four of us did go up to Brisbane while he was in hospital but that was a few months ago. It was an interesting visit. Dad was quite forthcoming about their history, it was a bit of a revelation actually, and he apologised for some aspects of our childhood but while I appreciate the fact that he acknowledged their actions impacted us it didn’t really atone for their behaviour. It doesn’t excuse some of the things they did. Living on the commune was an easy way to opt out of responsibility and that is fine if you’ve only got yourself to think about but they had five children. Even if they were living in denial in the early years you’d think after Willow died they might think about the consequences of their choices and decisions and how that affected us. I’m not convinced they did their best in raising us and apologising now doesn’t change that. They haven’t changed either, they are still each other’s priority. The four of us are a long way down their list and I don’t think the arrival of grandchildren is going to change them. I don’t think they’ll necessarily want any involvement with grandchildren or that my siblings will want them involved.’
‘Will they be at Poppy’s wedding?’
‘No.’ They hadn’t been at Lily and Otto’s either.
‘You know Poppy and Ryder have invited me. Is that OK with you?’
‘It is.’ Lily wasn’t going to tell Poppy who she could and couldn’t invite. ‘We’re working together anyway. I can’t avoid you.’
‘Do you want to?’
The honest answer was no but she knew it would make her life a lot easier if she did keep her distance. She’d be able to keep a clearer head for a start.
As he waited for her answer Otto reached across the table. ‘Hold still,’ he said as he stretched out one hand. ‘You’ve got aioli on your face.’
He brushed his thumb over her cheek, running it across her skin from the corner of her mouth. His hand was warm, his touch gentle and it made her breath catch in her throat, made her forget the question.
It was so long since anyone had touched her like that—gently, with familiarity—and it felt so intimate. Her body still knew him even if her mind was trying to forget. It was the same when he’d run his thumb over her wedding ring. She’d missed that sensation. Would she find that connection with someone else or was Daisy right? Was Otto her person?
No. If he didn’t want kids he wasn’t her person. He couldn’t be.
Lily stood up. It was time to go. The things she liked about Otto hadn’t changed. He could still make her laugh. He could still make her pulse race. He still made her feel alive but she knew they still had hurdles to get over. What she didn’t know was if they were hurdles she had the energy to jump or if they were barriers she couldn’t control. Were they hurdles Otto had to take down or ones she had to learn to live with?
That was a dilemma for another day but she knew she didn’t have infinite days to answer the questions. She had a biological clock and it was ticking. And she knew it would get louder as Poppy and Daisy started families of their own. She was thirty years old. She was torn and confused and she wasn’t sure she could continue like this for three months. She’d go mad.