Sandi reached Salt Lick mid-afternoon. With the crash of the oil market in the ’80s, the small town had almost turned into a ghost town, but the businesses that had been able to hang on were recovering and the little place again hummed with activity. A surge in new drilling had the entire Permian Basin enjoying a smaller scale version of a way of life that had been stalled for decades.
Sandi came to a stop near the Styling Station’s front door and looked at her passenger through the rear-view mirror. “Jake, listen to me now. This is going to be your new home. You don’t want to make a bad impression. No cussing. I’m serious. No cussing. You’ll be around ladies.”
The bird squawked and fluffed his feathers. “Hot damn.”
“Jake! I am not kidding. Do not say anything ugly.”
“Jake’s a good boy. Jake’s a good boy.”
“What are the ugly words you can’t say, Jake?”
“Tits, balls, fuck, shit. Tits, balls, fuck, shit. Tits—”
Good grief. Where did he learn those words? “Enough already! Those are the words you cannot say, Jake.”
“Jake’s a good boy.”
Sandi dragged the big cage out of the backend, rested it on her hip, reached for his plastic tub of supplies and headed for the Styling Station’s front door.
Though juggling her burdens, she still managed to open the front door. “Aunt Ed? Debbie Sue? We’re here.”
Edwina rushed to her, gave her a quick hug, then looked into Jake’s cage. “Good Lord, Sandi. I thought parakeets were little birds.”
Debbie Sue came over, grabbed the tub of supplies, then the cage and gingerly placed the cage on the nearest foot stool in front of a hairdryer.
“I don’t know where you got the idea he’s a parakeet, Aunt Ed. I told you, he’s an African Grey parrot.”
“My God, it’s bigger than a chicken. I guess if I get hungry, I could cut its head off and have it for supper.” She guffawed.
Jake squawked and hopped around on his perch. “Helllp! Call nine-one-one. Helllp!
Sandi’s heart leaped. She didn’t believe for a minute that her aunt would really eat Jake, but on the other hand, the woman did have a reputation in the family for being a little...well, eccentric. “Aunt Ed! Oh, my Lord —”
“I’m kidding, babygirl. You know I pop off. I wouldn’t really eat that thing.”
Relieved, Sandi drew a deep breath. If she thought for a minute that statement had a ring of truth to it, she couldn’t leave Jake here. “Don’t talk about eating him, Aunt Ed. You’ll scare him. He understands what you’re saying.”
“Riiight,” Edwina said, backing away and eyeing Jake from every angle.
Sandi almost wished her aunt would reject Jake, which would give her an excuse to take him back to her own home. “If he’s too big...if you want to change your mind—”
“Aawrk. Jake’s not fat. Jake’s not fat.”
“See? I told you he understands what we’re saying.”
“That’s amazing,” Debbie Sue said, obviously fascinated.
“It’s fine, Sandi, it’s fine,” Aunt Ed said. “Besides, it’s not for me, it’s for Vic. And I guess a larger bird makes sense for him. I mean, he’s a big guy and all.”
“Well, first off, Jake is a he, Aunt Ed. And he’s very alpha. That’s why his former owner named him Jake.”
“Alpha?” Edwina said, her brow furrowed.
Debbie Sue had been circling the foot stool, studying Jake. The parrot, as if he knew he was being scrutinized, showed his acrobatic skills by climbing upside down on the travel cage’s bars, then fluffed his feathers and strutted as much as he could in the cage’s limited space. Debbie Sue finally straightened and placed her hands on her hips. “I love it. I think it’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Really, y’all,” Sandi said. “He’s not an it. He’s a he. I’m not sure he’ll appreciate being called an it. He might be sensitive about it.”
“Did you say it... er, he appreciates things?” Edwina asked.
“He’s sensitive?” Debbie Sue followed up.
Sandi gushed like a proud mother. “Oh, yes. Sometimes I honestly believe he has feelings, as well as cognitive abilities.”
“What does that mean?” Edwina asked.
“She just told you, Ed,” Debbie Sue said. “It means he might feel human things. He understands human things.”
“I truly believe he does,” Sandi said. “A couple of months ago, the last time we had rain, I had him tethered outside to get some fresh air. I got tied up on the phone in the kitchen and when the rain started, I heard this voice from outside. ‘Help. I’m getting wet. Help. Help.’”
“No shit?” Debbie Sue said, staring at Jake round-eyed. “And it was Jake talking?”
“That’s some scary crap,” Edwina added. “I mean, birds live outside. A little rain shouldn’t bother him.”
Jake piped up. “Aawrrk. Don’t let me get wet.”
Sandi had to laugh. “Jake, you are so funny.”
She turned her attention back to her aunt and Debbie Sue. “I catch myself having conversations with him all the time. Just to give you a boring factoid, people who research these birds believe that the African Greys can learn up to a thousand words. And Jake does have quite a vocabulary. Of course, some of it isn’t suitable for mixed company. I’ve been trying to teach him more appropriate words, but it’s been challenging, given his history.”
“What’s his history?” Debbie Sue asked.
Sandi gently passed her finger over Jake’s feathered gray head. “Poor sweet baby. He lived in a biker sports bar in Odessa until he was rescued by the SPCA and taken to We Love Animals. Everyone was amazed he survived in that environment. His owner let the customers buy him beer and pizza. On top of that, my friend at WLA told me the poor thing witnessed a murder. Apparently, that bar was a wild place.”
“A real murder?” Debbie Sue said.
“Can you believe it? The cops actually questioned him and Jake told them all about it, even who did it. But the judge wouldn’t let him testify in court. He ruled that testimony from a parrot wasn’t credible.”
“Wow,” Debbie Sue said. “Why would he think that? I’d believe a parrot if he was an eyewitness and told me something.”
“Well, yeah. Me, too.” Edwina added. “I mean, this is a beauty shop. I’d come as close to believing a parrot as I would some of the human shit that gets shoveled in here every day.”
“Shoveled shit. Shoveled shit,” Jake squawked.
“Oh, my Lord, Aunt Ed. You just taught him some more dirty words. He seems to learn the bad words fast.”
“If he lived in a bar, I’ll bet he learned some great pick-up lines,” Debbie Sue said, giggling.
“Uh-huh.” Sandi turned to the parrot. “Jake, say something nice to the nice lady.” She emphasized the word “nice,” hoping he remembered her admonishment back in the car.
Jake whistled what sounded like a wolf whistle and cocked his head. “Hey, babe. Nice tits. Let’s blow this joint.”
Sandi's hand shot out to cover Jake's beak. “Oh, Debbie Sue, I am so sorry. I just never know what he’s going to say. Tits is one of the bad words I told him not to use.”
But evidently Jake hadn't offended Debbie Sue. She clasped her hands under her chin. “Oh, I love him. I wish you weren’t taking him, Ed. I think I might have to.”
“Fourth and ten, fourth and ten. Bring in the kicker,” Jake chanted.
“Oh, my God,” Aunt Ed said. “Those are football words. You say he lived in a sports bar?”
“Who’s your favorite team, Jake?” Sandi asked him. “Who do you root for?”
“Go, Cowboys. Go, Rangers.”
Jake was putting on a show. Sandi’s chest filled with pride. She and Debbie Sue laughed together, but Aunt Ed hung back.
“Ed, what’s the matter with you?” Debbie Sue asked. “You haven’t said anything to him. This is such a good idea for Vic. He’ll love him. Ed, come say something to him. Ask him something.”
Edwina stayed across the room, watching closely, her arms crossed under her breasts. “Is that all he says? Stuff about sports? Vic isn’t much of a sports guy. He watches the military channel.”
As if he were auditioning, Jake squawked, “Mr. GQ Cowboy. What an asshole. What an asshole.”
Debbie Sue straightened, a bemused expression on her face. “What does that mean?”
One thing that Sandi had learned about African Greys was that they were unique mimics and Jake had proved it. Sandi had feared he might repeat the words he heard her say out on the highway. Warmth flashed in her cheeks. “It was just someone we met on the road.”
Edwina came forward. “Oh, really, niece-of-mine. So who’s the GQ Cowboy? Anyone we know or better yet, anyone you know?”
Sandi told the story of the trip down from Midland and the encounter with the cow and calf standing in the middle of the highway. With her Aunt Edwina well known for her meddling and matchmaking, she left out the fact that she had seen GQ Cowboy before and he had left her weak-kneed. And that she even knew his name.
“He put a rope around her neck and led her away, end of story,” she said in conclusion. “Not much to tell.”
“I know that sharp curve,” Debbie Sue said. “That fence runs along the Carruthers ranch. Must have been one of Harley’s cows.”
Edwina brightened. “Must’ve been one of Harley’s ranch hands. It was him, Debbie Sue. I’ll bet it was him.”
“Who?” Sandi asked, looking from Debbie Sue to Edwina. “Who do you think it was?”
“We don’t know.” Edwina winked. “But we’re working on finding out. Hey, speaking of men, how’s your boyfriend doing these days? I read in the paper that he’s defending the bad guy that murdered that elderly woman, Mrs. Bean.”
“Allegedly, Aunt Ed. Innocent until proven guilty Richard keeps reminding me.”
“But the bad guy confessed,” Edwina said.
“He told Richard he only confessed because he was afraid the cops were going to beat him up.” She shrugged. “Now he says he’s not guilty.”
“And I suppose him being seen leaving Mrs. Bean’s house at the time of the murder, her belongings found in his car and his blood a DNA match to some that was taken from the crime scene is all allegedly,” Edwina replied.
Debbie Sue raised her head from studying Jake, “I heard Buddy talking to somebody on the phone. There’s some problem with how the DNA was obtained. They may have to throw it out.”
Crap, Sandi thought. So that’s what Richard is working on.
Aunt Ed’s hands rested on her skinny hips, her arms akimbo. “I sure as hell hope Richard doesn’t get him off.”
Jake fluffed his entire body and screeched, “Dickhead. Dickhead.”
“Did he say dickhead?” Debbie Sue asked, round-eyed.
Sandi’s face flushed with embarrassment. “I’m afraid he did. That’s what he calls Richard. Don’t ask me why.”
Aunt Ed broke into peals of laughter. She grabbed a Kleenex from her station and wiped away tears, then moved close to the cage and squatted to eye level with the bird. “Maybe he’s got a sixth sense. Maybe you’ll do after all, Jake. A plain-spoken bird could come in handy. What do you think, Jake-O? Want to go home with me?”
Jake turned his head sharply and stared at her for several seconds. “Not tonight, Q-Tip. I ain’t had that much to drink.”
Sandi slapped her palm against her mouth. “Oh, my Lord, Aunt Ed. I’m so sorry. Like I told you, I never know what’s going to come out of his mouth.” She turned to Jake and pointed her finger at his beak. “Bad Bird. That was ugly.”
Jake squawked. “Ugly. Tits, balls, fuck, shit...”
***
Later, as her aunt snipped away at her hair, Sandi made eye contact with her in the mirror. “Where are you going to keep Jake, Aunt Ed?”
“In his cage, I guess.”
“I was going to talk to you about that. He needs more space than that. At my house, he has his own room. I turned my guest bedroom that I was using for an office into his room. I was hoping that since you and Vic don’t have kids living with you, maybe you’d have that much space to give him.”
“Hells bells, it never dawned on me that he’d have to have his own room. I guess he could have my craft room. I’d have to move out all my stuff. I mean, I would want him crapping all over everything. He does crap like normal birds, right?”
“Of course, he does. There’s nothing abnormal about him, Aunt Ed.”
“You’ve got plenty of room, Ed,” Debbie Sue said. “You’ve got one whole bedroom that has nothing in it but your clothes and shoes.”
Edwina sighed. “Sandi, I don’t want you worrying yourself about this bird. I’m a grown woman. I can figure out how to take care of it ... er, him.”
“And if she can’t, I can,” Debbie Sue added.
They were trying to reassure her, Sandi knew. But she couldn’t keep from worrying.
An hour later, her red hair perfectly trimmed and shining, she prepared to leave the Styling Station. Even before they left home in Midland, she had steeled herself to say good-bye to Jake, but as she stood at the salon’s front door ready to leave, a lump formed in her throat and tears burned her eyes. She might break into a wail any minute.
This was what happened when she parted from all of her foster “children.” She formed a bond of love with each precious life she was appointed to watch over and each separation was a bittersweet event.
“Now, don’t cry, hon,” Edwina said, starting to sniff. “You know Vic and I will give him a good home.”
Debbie Sue’s eyes, too, had misted over. “And if they don’t, I will.”
Believing that her charges were going to homes that would give them as much love as she had given them had always been the only balm that made Sandi feel better. But today, that belief didn’t lessen the pain of parting with Jake. “I know”—her voice hitched—“It’s just that he needs so much attention and I’m afraid you’ll run out of patience with him. And I’m going to miss him so much.”
“Wellll,” Edwina said, pulling her into a hug and patting her shoulder. “It’ll be okay. Vic won’t get tired of him. And if you want to come see him, he’ll be just a few miles down the road.”
“I know.” Sandi pulled herself together. Barely holding her tears in check, she parted from Edwina’s hug and picked up the plastic tub. “I’ve brought you his toys and the parrot mash he likes and some of the treats I sell in my shop.”
“Parrot mash? Yuck. No wonder he went for beer and pizza.”
“Oh, Aunt Ed, please don’t feed him food like that. It’s so bad for him. The parrot mash is organic. It’s what he’s supposed to eat. I get it from one of my wholesalers. I’ll continue to get it and send it to you every month. It’s the least I can do for Jake. And for you, too.”
“That’s all he eats, huh?”
“That and some vegetables. He needs a variety of things. I also put some homemade parrot bread in the tub. I bake it in my shop in the form of muffins and sell it to bird owners. I baked for Jake a couple of days ago, so he still has a few little muffins left.”
“Wait a minute. You bake muffins for him?”
“Uh-oh,” Debbie Sue said, looking as if she was deep in thought. “Ed uses her oven for storing her shoes. But that’s not a problem,” she added quickly. “She can use mine. Just be sure to leave us the recipe.”
Sandi nodded. “I put the recipe in this tub. One a day is usually enough. He also needs salad greens every day. Organic if you can get them. No onions or garlic, of course. I shop for him at the farmer’s market.”
“My God. I have to make him a salad?”
“It only takes a few minutes, Aunt Ed. I buy the bagged broccoli slaw, then add some zucchini and yellow squash. Also, some kale. He loves kale. And nuts, like walnuts. Just give him a whole nut and he can crack it and get the meat out.”
“My God. He’s a gourmet?”
“You should feed him some fruit, too. He loves strawberries and kumquats—”
“Kumquats,” Debbie Sue said. “When was the last time I saw a kumquat, much less ate one?” She turned to Aunt Ed. “Does City Market sell kumquats? Or kale?”
“Hell, we’re lucky to get lettuce,” Aunt Ed answered. “I see both my grocery bill and my gasoline bill climbing. What else?”
“Oh, some blueberries, grapes...any of the dark fruits that are high in antioxidants.”
“Dark fruits. Antioxidants,” Debbie Sue said. “I should get a pencil and take notes.”
“I wrote it all down in a tablet and put it in his tub. Taking notes until you get used to his routine might help. A vegetable chopper is in the tub, too. It’s just an ordinary Hamilton Beach brand I got at Walmart. It’s perfect for chopping his food. I just put everything into the bowl and chop it up together. Takes only a few minutes.
“Oh, and you should sprinkle some of the parrot mash over his food when you offer it to him. It absorbs the fruit juices and enables him to get the benefit of the juice. Oh, and one more thing. At home, he has a table in his room to eat on. He seems to eat better if his food is sort of spread out on a table. In their natural environment, African Greys eat off the ground, like chickens do.”
“Hells bells, Sandi. I thought I just had to put a few seeds in a little cup. You didn’t tell me he was going to be a gourmet diner in his own room with his own table. Do we need to hire him a chef?” Aunt Edwina cackled.
“Here’s an idea,” Debbie Sue said. “You could simplify things if you and Vic started eating like he does, Ed. More veggies and less chicken-fried steak.”
“Are you kidding? Veggies ain’t replacing chicken-fried steak at our house. You know how Vic loves to cook. Now that I think about it, cooking for Jake will give him new purpose. On the other hand, knowing Vic, if Jake gets to be too much trouble, we’ll be eating chicken-fried parrot.”
Instantly she slapped her hand over her lips. “Ohmygod. I’m sorry.” She bent down and looked eye-to-eye at Jake. “I’m was kidding, Jake-O, okay? Just kidding.”
Jake cocked his head, closed his eyes and garbled something unintelligible.
“I’m not sure he has a sense of humor, Aunt Ed. I doubt he understands sarcasm.”
Edwina flipped a palm in the air. “Whatever. Don’t worry, I’m telling you. I’ll find the stuff he likes.”
“What else is in this tub?” Debbie Sue asked. She walked over and snapped the lid off the plastic storage tub. She lifted out the large spray bottle Sandi used to shower Jake. “What’s this?”
“It’s the spray bottle I use to give Jake a shower.”
“Did you say shower?” Aunt Ed asked.
“It sprays a fine mist. Don’t use the shower head, Aunt Ed. I think it’s too much water all at once. I just put his perch in the shower, he stands on it and I spritz him. He really loves it. You need to do it, oh, about once a week, I guess. Oh, and sometimes I let him play in the kitchen sink.”
“Eww. Yuck. The kitchen sink?” Her aunt stood there blinking, her dark brown eyes magnified by her thick glasses lenses. “I thought he said he didn’t like getting wet.”
“What he doesn’t like is water pouring on him. He seems to enjoy the fine mist the most. He hops around, even spreads his wings so you can spray under them. It’s so cute.”
“You’d better get on the road,” Debbie Sue said. “The longer you stay and talk, the more horrified your aunt gets.” She turned to Aunt Ed. “Don’t worry about it, Ed. Vic can shower him. Or maybe you could mist both of them together.” Debbie Sue belly-laughed. “I can already see it.”
Sandi managed a small laugh. “I guess that’s everything.” She gave a great sigh. “You can call me, of course, if you have any questions or any problems. And you can surf the Internet. There’s a lot of information on the Net and some good videos on YouTube.”
“I’m kind of a dinosaur when it comes to the computer, but Debbie Sue can look stuff up.”
Sandi nodded. “I have to go.” She turned to the cage, put her hand inside, brought Jake out and smoothed a finger over his head. “Mama’s going to leave you now. Try not to miss me. I’ll be thinking about you.”
Jake cocked his head and garbled from deep in his throat. “Kisses?”
“Ooh,” she whined. “Look at that. He knows I’m leaving. He’s going to miss me.” She sniffled and placed a gentle kiss on his beak. “Mama loves you, baby.”
He cooed softly.
Debbie Sue began to whimper. “That’s the sweetest thing I ever saw. He loves you, too, Sandi.”
“I know.”
Edwina sniffed, too. She grabbed another Kleenex out of a box on her station counter. “Don’t you worry, Sandi. Vic and I’ll take good care of him. He’ll have everything he wants. Hell, I’ll even hunt down tarantulas for him to eat.”
Sandi restrained her tears for a moment and frowned. “Those big hairy spiders? I doubt if he likes tarantulas, Aunt Ed.”
“Never mind. It was another joke. Obviously not a good one.”
Sandi left the Styling Station in tears. Her aunt and Debbie Sue stood in the doorway, wiping their eyes and blowing their noses. Black mascara had made trails down Aunt Ed’s cheeks. According to Sandi’s mother, Aunt Ed had been blinder than a bat her whole life. Sandi had often wondered how she managed to cake on so much black mascara if she needed such thick lenses to see.
***
Once Sandi was out of sight, Debbie Sue closed the Styling Station’s front door and locked it. “Let’s close this place up.” She turned to Edwina. “Wow, Ed. You’re going to be busy with ol’ Jake here.”
“He ain’t exactly a goldfish, is he?” Edwina wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “When do I have time to take care of a bird that’s this much trouble? I can see I should’ve gotten more information from my niece. I should’ve given this more thought. And I definitely should’ve discussed it with Vic.”
“But it’s supposed to be a surprise for Vic.”
“Yeah. Kind of like one of those messages from outer space surprises.”
“What happened to the idea of Vic taking him in the truck?”
“Oh, hell, Debbie Sue. That was BS. Vic won’t take a damn parrot in the truck with him. He’s gonna be busy driving and this silly bird’s gonna be stuck at home with nobody to talk to all day.”
“Who did he talk to in Midland? Isn’t Sandi gone from home all day? Didn’t he stay home alone?”
“Yes, but that was a temporary arrangement. I’m supposed to be what they call the permanent adoptive parent. I’m supposed to give him a loving home, a good environment and attention.”
Debbie Sue squatted in front of the cage and studied the parrot. “He’s really interesting, Ed. I love his red tail feathers.”
Jake whistled. “Hello, pretty lady.”
“We can get a handyman to build him a cage in the corner,” Debbie Sue continued. “That way, he won’t be alone.”
“Yeah, maybe. Hells bells and Jesus Christ. I’ll have to stay home three days a week just to fix his food. Look at his damn feet. Am I gonna have to give him a pedicure on top of everything else? Then there’s the cat. Gus is like a part of the family. What will he think?”
“Last I heard, Ed, a cat doesn’t get a vote in what goes on in someone’s household. Since Vic likes to cook, maybe he’ll fix his food and all of that.”
“You’re right about a cage here in the shop. Jake will have to come to the shop, that’s all there is to it.” Edwina threw up her hands. “Either that or I’ll have to find somebody to babysit him.”
“You’re too stressed out, Ed. This isn’t hard. He can come to the shop. It’s okay with me. Just put him in his cage and bring him. The customers will love him. And I’ll help you make his food.”
“Jake’s a good boy,” the parrot said and fluffed his whole body.
“Yes, you are, baby,” Debbie Sue said. “You’re a good boy. And a pretty boy.” She pushed her finger into the cage and rubbed his head.
Edwina gave the parrot a hard look, then turned back to Debbie Sue, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’ve really done a dumb-ass thing, haven’t I? I hate like hell to disappoint my niece, but tomorrow, I’m gonna call her and tell her she has to take her bird back.”
“No,” Debbie Sue said firmly. “Vic’s going to love him. And if it doesn’t work out for y’all, I told you I’d take him.”
“But Buddy—”
“Buddy will love him, too. I’ll make him.”