Having now established that we weren’t UNDER ATTACK from FLESH-EATING WILD HOGS and there was no imminent danger, and that Mum probably hadn’t been EATEN ALIVE, I continued with my search.

My grandma is a nurse at the local hospital and often works nights. She’s always reminding me that she isn’t even all that old but to me she seems ABSOLUTELY ANCIENT.

BTW, please don’t tell her I said that; she can still give as good as she gets, even at her age.

She also likes to remind me that she is a very busy lady, with an awful lot to do, so I need to SHOW SOME RESPECT and let her have A MOMENT’S PEACE every now and then.

Anyway, due to her old age long shifts at the hospital, she is always nodding off or catching forty winks or having a nap at unusual hours of the day. Which all mean she is ASLEEP. Just like now. And I am ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN from waking her up.

This still didn’t really explain why she was fast asleep in our kitchen at eight am. It was another strange event to add to an already MYSTIFYING MORNING. Looked like I was going to have to wait for her to wake up before I could find out what on earth was going on.

As Grandma was dead to the world and of no use to me on my present mission, I decided to continue my search for Mum. I skirted past Grandma’s chair, trying not to disturb her from her slumber as being woken up by children makes her VERY ANGRY. Even in the MIDDLE OF A CRISIS, probably. I didn’t want to wait to find out anyway.

Mum was LITERALLY NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. She wasn’t stood next to the kettle waiting for it to boil for her morning cup of coffee. She wasn’t setting bowls on the table or getting cereal out of the kitchen cupboards whilst wearing her dressing gown and slippers. She wasn’t even out on the balcony having a cigarette.

It was as if she had suddenly VANISHED INTO THIN AIR. Mum always made us eat breakfast. She said it was the most important meal of the day. But, as no one was around to make it for me, breakfast was going to have to wait today.

And I couldn’t even get to the fridge if I wanted to as Grandma’s chair was in the way, Rose is the only one of us tall enough to reach the cupboards where the cereal is kept, and I wasn’t allowed to touch the bread knife under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES without the presence of a RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

It looked as though I was going to have to go hungry until lunchtime at least. I would have to try my best to ignore my growling stomach until then. It sounded as if a VERY ANGRY TIGER was going TOTALLY BERSERK in there.

So that’s when I decided something very strange was definitely happening. And I couldn’t ask Grandma about it until she woke up. I could potentially be waiting a very long while. I decided to write a list of all the possibilities of where Mum might be in order to kill some time and give myself a moment to think.

I grabbed my notebook from the pocket of my pyjamas, where I keep it safely nearby to record my observations and EMERGENCY SITUATIONS such as this one. It has a ballpoint pen covered in planets clipped to the side which is VERY HANDY INDEED as mum says I am prone to ABSENTMINDEDNESS (forgetfulness) and am always LOSING THINGS.

The cover looks just like the Milky Way, but I know for a fact it is not an accurate representation and even if it was, the stars you see in the night sky are actually THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD and ALMOST CERTAINLY DEAD BY NOW anyway.

I opened a fresh page of my notebook and started to write my list.

places mum might have gone:

1. The EU

2. The Bahamas

3. Prison

4. Tesco

5. Christmas Shopping

6. Oxford Street (see point five above)

7. Hospital

8. Lukas’s house

9. Dad’s
 

10. Dead?

It seemed HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she was DEAD given that she had no MAJOR ENEMIES as far as I was aware, and we had already established that she hadn’t been EATEN ALIVE by WILD HOGS. And, in any case, it was JUST TOO AWFUL to even consider without any specific evidence. So, I decided to cross that one off the list.

This was certainly a huge relief, but it still left NINE OTHER POSSIBILITIES to investigate. It was going to be a VERY BUSY DAY. I closed the notebook and shoved it deep into my pocket where I knew it would be very secure and I wouldn’t lose it. There really was NO TIME TO WASTE.

By now it was eight thirty am and we were undoubtedly going to be LATE FOR SCHOOL. On a normal day, I would have walked to school with my best friend Lukas, but this wasn’t a normal day, and he would already have left by now.

If I waited for Rose, who knows how long she would take. And Grandma was still asleep. So, I decided to SEIZE THE MOMENT and walk to school by myself. I wasn’t really supposed to walk to school on my own without Lukas or Rose, but I knew the way and there was no one else around to take me after all.

Mum was who knows where, Grandma was out for the count, and Rose was still getting ready. And it was getting LATE. As this was an EMERGENCY, I needed to USE MY INITIATIVE which is what Mum always tells me to do when I ask her a homework-related question that she doesn’t know the answer to.

As my stomach continued to rumble loudly, protesting the LACK OF SUITABLE PROVISION (food), I raced back up the stairs to put on my school uniform. As I ran past the bathroom door, I noticed steam pouring out OMINOUSLY (in a spooky fashion) from underneath it, as if a somewhat HAPHAZARD WITCH was brewing potions in there.

I wouldn’t be able to brush my teeth but that was OK as I hadn’t had any breakfast yet anyway. At least my appalling morning breath might keep NEIL THE SCHOOL BULLY at bay.

I grabbed my school bag from where I’d flung it on the desk the Friday before and, transferring my notebook carefully into the trouser pocket of my school uniform, raced back down the stairs and out of the front door.