Chapter Twenty-One

At six the next morning, a nurse came into the room. “We’ll have to take some new blood,” she said. “All the blood we took last night clotted.”

Karissa’s face drew tightly, but she didn’t refuse. “Can I nurse her first? She hasn’t eaten since three, and she threw a lot of that up.”

“No, don’t feed her anything,” the nurse said. “She’s scheduled for an ultrasound at ten, and she has to have an empty stomach.”

Malcolm helped Karissa to her feet, noting the dark circles under her eyes. This time she let him carry Stephanie to the treatment room.

The first two times she tried, the nurse succeeded in withdrawing a little blood. The third time she took nothing. Stephanie cried in hopeless wails, and Malcolm blinked back the tears forming in his eyes. The pain she must feel! he thought. And no way to understand why. Dear Lord, please help my daughter!

As the nurse prepared another needle, Karissa scooped up the crying Stephanie. “No!” she yelled at the nurse through her tears. “Not again. No way! You only have to do three tests for electrolytes. You should have enough blood. For goodness’ sake, she’s only a baby!”

Karissa headed out the door with Stephanie, and Malcolm followed her, relieved that for the moment at least, Stephanie was safe from the needle.

“The vampires,” Karissa muttered in the hall.

Malcolm pulled her to a stop and wiped the tears from her eyes. “My wife, the warrior,” he said lightly. “I never imagined.”

Her emerald eyes, made even brighter for the sheen of tears, met his gaze. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Malcolm.” Her voice was neither light nor teasing but deadly serious.

Malcolm felt a shiver crawl up his back. It’s just this situation, he told himself.

Karissa started again toward Stephanie’s room, but Malcolm went more slowly. He felt as if he saw the stark hospital walls and the clean tile through a hazy dream lens. Maybe he would wake up, and this nightmare would be over.

“Malcolm!” Jesse and Brionney waved to him from the nurses’ station. He waited for them to approach. “We would have come sooner,” Brionney said, “but the kids . . . Where’s Karissa?”

“She’s in the room,” Malcolm said.

“How’s she holding up?”

“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “She seems strong.”

Brionney grimaced. “What she should be is in bed. This is too much for anyone three weeks after giving birth. She’ll get sick.”

That was what Malcolm feared. “Can you convince her to rest, do you think? I tell her I’ll stay with the baby, but . . .”

“Get used to it,” Jesse said, his voice full of pity. “To women, that’s not as good as being there themselves.” He looked after Brionney, as if expecting a comment, but she was intent on reaching Karissa. “Maybe they’re right,” he added as if in afterthought.

Malcolm, remembering the way Karissa had fought to save Stephanie pain, thought so too.

“Oh, Brionney!” Karissa exclaimed when she saw them. The women drew their heads close together and talked in quiet, urgent voices. Malcolm and Jesse listened without speaking.

“I’m so sorry,” Brionney said.

“Three weeks. She’s three weeks old today and in less than twenty-four hours they’ve poked her with a needle ten times—not to mention that horrible urine test where they have to stick that tube in her. How can she stand more?”

“She’s got a strong spirit.”

“They keep wanting more and more blood.”

“Do they know what’s wrong?”

“Not yet. Maybe today.”

“More tests?”

“An ultrasound. I’m beginning to hate these people.”

“They’re just doing their jobs.”

“I know, but Steph doesn’t.”

“One day she will.”

“Yes, but I found out today that this is a teaching hospital. It makes me so mad to think of them practicing on my baby!”

“It was the only place available,” Malcolm put in. “And Dr. Schmidt, at least, is experienced.”

“It still makes me mad!”

Brionney rubbed Karissa’s arm sympathetically. “Tell me, what can I do to help?”

“No one can help. It’s my fault. You and I both know I deserve this.”

Brionney drew back slightly. “That’s not true. No matter what, that’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.”

Malcolm wanted to ask what they were talking about. Why would Karissa feel so strongly that Stephanie’s problem was her fault? She’d mentioned this to him once before, but he had dismissed it as a normal tendency for mothers when their babies were not born perfect. Now Karissa’s feelings seemed to go beyond all reason.

“At least we’re off the island.” Karissa spoke vehemently, a shadow of guilt passing over her pale face as she glanced at him. With a flash of understanding, Malcolm realized that despite their closeness in the past few months, Karissa still felt imprisoned on Kodiak, not free and alive as he did. His realization brought a deep sadness.

The Hergarters left after another few minutes, promising to return later. “Please call if you need me,” Brionney begged.

“I will,” Karissa said. Malcolm knew she didn’t mean it. He could at least read his wife that well.

The same nurse who had drawn Stephanie’s blood that morning came into the room. Her expression was wary. “We are going to need a urine test to check for a bladder infection.”

Karissa closed her eyes, as if gathering strength. “She had one yesterday on Kodiak,” she said calmly. “Those results should be in sometime today. You can use those.”

“I’ll go check with the doctor.”

“Thank you.” Malcolm could see Karissa was holding back her anger.

The doctor confirmed that the results from the first test could be used, as well as some of the other tests Dr. Fairfax had ordered on Kodiak. Malcolm felt grateful Karissa had asked, saving little Stephanie further pain.

After eleven, the nurse still had not come to take Stephanie for the ultrasound. “What’s taking them so long?” Karissa asked as she paced near the metal crib with the crying baby in her arms. “Steph hasn’t eaten since three this morning. She’s hungry. I can’t believe this!”

“I’ll go and ask them to hurry,” Malcolm said, grateful for something to do.

For all his efforts, it was noon before they took Stephanie for her ultrasound. She was cranky and hungry, but the nurse was very gentle and the baby didn’t cry. Karissa’s face relaxed, and she let Malcolm take her hand.

“Everything looks normal,” said the nurse.

Malcolm wasn’t sure if that was good. If Stephanie’s problem wasn’t pyloric stenosis as the doctor suspected, then what was wrong? Could it be even more serious?

By one-thirty they were back in Stephanie’s room, and Karissa nursed the baby. “Look how happy and content she is,” Karissa said, love etched unmistakably on her face.

“And she hasn’t thrown up,” Malcolm added.

“Not yet.”

The doctors and nurses left them alone for the afternoon. When Brionney and Jesse returned later that night, Malcolm took a taxi to his parents’ house to shower, shave, and change into some clothes borrowed from his father.

“How is she?” Faith asked.

“We don’t know, Mom,” he said. “They’re still trying to find out what’s wrong.”

“Could I go and stay with her while you and Karissa get some rest?”

He shook his head. “Karissa won’t let anyone stay with her.”

“I can hardly fault her for that. Tell her we are all praying for Stephanie, and that we’re having a family fast.”

“Thanks. I’ll tell her.”

She hugged him before he left. “I’m proud of you, son. I know it hasn’t been easy coming back to church and getting your life in order. I know Karissa will join you soon.”

Karissa’s church activity was the farthest from his mind at that moment. “For now, we just need to get through this.”

“Of course. And we are here to help you. Your father and I will come over in a while to see how you’re doing.”

Malcolm drove back to the hospital in his mother’s car. Jesse and Brionney had left, but Damon was with Karissa. “It doesn’t seem fair for Steph to have to go through this,” Karissa was saying. “I don’t understand it.”

“I don’t either,” Damon said, “but maybe we will later.” He saw Malcolm and rose from the chair. “I’ll leave you two alone now.” He touched Karissa’s arm. “You call me if you need anything. It doesn’t matter what time.”

Karissa smiled. “Thanks, Damon.”

Damon shook hands with Malcolm before leaving. “See if you can’t get her to sleep a little,” Damon said softly. “She needs it.”

Malcolm felt his mouth tighten. Why did everyone seem to think that he wasn’t doing his best to take care of Karissa? “I will,” he murmured.

Damon flashed him a wide smile. Malcolm caught sight of a gold tooth far back in his mouth. It sparkled, making Damon’s grin appeared even wider. Malcolm was glad to see him go.

Richard and Faith arrived shortly after for a brief visit. Karissa said little to them, but Malcolm saw that she was more relaxed with his parents than she had ever been. She even let Faith hold Stephanie while she visited the restroom.

Later, Malcolm kissed Karissa and tried to take Stephanie from her arms. “Let me hold her while you sleep a little.”

“But—”

“No buts. She’s my daughter too, and I can take care of her tonight. You need to keep your health up for her. Lie down on the blanket. I’ll wake you when she needs to nurse.”

“Or if the doctor or nurse comes in? Promise?”

Malcolm couldn’t help his smile. “Of course.”

He passed an uncomfortable but peaceful night in the easy chair. His neck ached from holding Stephanie, and he wondered how Karissa had managed in her weakened condition. Despite the fact that he was holding Stephanie, Karissa seemed to sleep little. Each time he gave the baby to her to nurse, she was already awake and waiting. When her breathing had once told him that she slept, she had suddenly jerked and cried out.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Just a dream,” she murmured. “Give Steph to me, would you? I need to feel her breathing.”

She held the baby for a long time before giving her back. Malcolm settled Stephanie on his chest. “She doesn’t seem to be throwing up as much as she normally does,” he commented.

“Maybe her body will heal itself.”

Malcolm prayed for it to be so.

Morning came too soon for all of them. At six-thirty Dr. Schmidt came in with some papers in his hands. “The ultrasound has ruled out pyloric stenosis.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Karissa asked.

“It depends on what’s really wrong,” Dr. Schmidt said. “We’ll have to wait and see what the X-rays reveal. That’s one of the reasons I came by—to remind you not to feed Stephanie. We need her to be hungry enough to drink the barium before her X-rays today.”

“How many will she need?” Karissa asked. “I don’t want her exposed to too much radiation.”

“Three or four,” Dr. Schmidt said. “At low dosages. Don’t worry. We’ll take good of your daughter.”

Later, they fed Stephanie the white chalky fluid that would show up in the X-rays, allowing the doctors to trace the path of her digestive system, and took her to radiology. After twenty X-rays, Malcolm lost count. Karissa’s face drooped, and her eyes were desolate. “They don’t seem to be finding anything,” she whispered.

When they were allowed to return to Stephanie’s room, Karissa said nothing. She held and nursed their daughter as if each moment were her last. Malcolm prayed as fervently as he knew how. I promise to face anything you throw my way, Father, he said silently. Just please help Stephanie.

At one in the afternoon, Dr. Schmidt and another doctor entered the room, serious expressions on their faces. Malcolm and Karissa stood up to meet them. “The X-rays show a blockage between the duodenum and the small intestine,” Dr. Schmidt said. “We’re not sure exactly what it is, but we feel the only way to correct it is through surgery.”

Karissa slumped to the chair, holding Stephanie tightly. “Oh, no. I’ve been so sure her body would get better on its own. She’s gained nearly half a pound in two days.” She studied the doctor for a full minute without speaking. Then, “Are you sure she needs the surgery? We’ll want a second opinion, of course. And I want to see the X-rays.”

Malcolm saw a flash of irritation in Dr. Schmidt’s face, but it was squelched quickly. “I knew you would want that,” he said coolly. “Which is why I brought my colleague, Dr. Mizra. He will tell you himself that he agrees with my diagnosis.” The brown eyes behind the curly lashes narrowed. “The bottom line is, do you want your daughter to die?”

Karissa gasped at his insensitivity and began to cry. Malcolm grabbed Dr. Schmidt’s arm and pulled him to the door. “That’s enough,” Malcolm said. “I appreciate your work with Stephanie, but we need to be alone now.”

Dr. Schmidt’s broad face showed remorse. “I’m sorry I had to say it that way. I felt she didn’t understand the seriousness of this situation. If Stephanie doesn’t have the surgery, she will die.”

Malcolm looked at the other doctor. “Is this your opinion as well?”

“Yes. The sooner she has the surgery, the better,” Dr. Mizra said. He was older than Dr. Schmidt by at least ten years, and graying hair framed his kind face.

“Dr. Mizra has practiced pediatric surgery for more than thirty years,” said Dr. Schmidt. “He would be my choice for assisting me with the surgery, if you agree to it.”

“I think Karissa and I are worried about unnecessary surgery,” Malcolm said. “You said you think that is what’s wrong. How can we be sure?”

“We would never do any unnecessary surgery—especially on an infant as young as Stephanie,” Dr. Mizra said. “In fact, we’ve ordered a few more X-rays to see how the barium has been digested. The results will show conclusively whether or not surgery is our only recourse.”

Malcolm liked this man, and thought Karissa would too, given the chance. “All right,” he said.

“Dr. Mizra or I will check in with you after the X-rays, and if they confirm our suspicions, one of us will explain the surgery in detail,” Dr. Schmidt added. “Your wife will have time to get used to the idea by then.”

“Thank you.”

Malcolm returned to Karissa. He massaged her shoulders while explaining what the doctors had told him. He spoke quietly so the other parents in the room wouldn’t hear. “I feel they’re honest men,” he said. “And we’ve tried everything else, haven’t we?”

“I guess so.” Her voice sounded oddly detached and lifeless.

“Darn it all, Karissa, we knew it was something serious. At least I did. Now we’ll get it taken care of so that Stephanie can have a normal life—so that we can have a normal life.” He touched her chin, drawing her haggard face toward him. Even now, she was beautiful to him. “We can pray, Karissa. I know God will listen.”

Instantly, her face became livid. “Where is God now?” she screamed at him. “Why isn’t He healing my baby?”

Malcolm felt the eyes of the two other parents on them. Though the room was large and there were white curtains between the cribs, Karissa’s voice carried easily. Both averted their eyes, and one left the room with her baby. After a minute of silence, the other mother also left. “Karissa,” Malcolm began.

“No, you listen,” she said. “You don’t understand. This is all happening because I deserve it! God is punishing me for my sins.”

“Your sins? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

She nodded, her eyes sadly triumphant. “Oh, yes I have. I’m a murderer. I murdered my own unborn child.”

Malcolm’s jaw dropped. “What are you saying?”

“You heard me. I murdered—”

“Our baby? When?” He was unable to keep the horror from his voice. Never had he felt so betrayed.

Things abruptly grew worse.

“Not our baby,” she said. “It happened before we met. She was a little girl too—or would have been.”

In her simple words, a lot of things became glaringly clear—Karissa’s real reasons for leaving the Church, her strangeness of late, the odd comments, and even the nightmares she suffered.

“No,” he muttered. He felt utterly desolate, as if his entire world had fallen in around him and he couldn’t find a safe place to set his feet. He stared in bewilderment at the woman he had thought he knew.

Karissa hung her head. “Poor Steph is suffering because of me,” she whispered. “What kind of God would do that to a baby?”

It was difficult for Malcolm to think about Stephanie or God at that moment. He waited for Karissa to beg for his forgiveness. Could he give it? He wasn’t sure.

She didn’t speak again, and in her eyes Malcolm saw the guilt. He knew then that Karissa wouldn’t ask for his forgiveness, because she believed that there was none for her—not in this life or ever.

Sudden rage blotted out all the other emotions. His wife had lied to him for ten years. And she had committed not one but both of the gravest sins anyone could ever commit. Their marriage was a mockery. Revulsion washed over his body, forcing him to take two steps back from her. “You!” His voice was brutal.

Karissa released one hand from Stephanie’s body and brought it to her mouth, sobbing. Her eyes pleaded without words.

Malcolm shook his head and strode from the room. Karissa—the sweet wife he’d known—was gone forever.