Chapter Twenty-Six

Karissa knew by the seriousness of Malcolm’s tone that the little talk he had planned would change their lives. She was glad he’d left her time to prepare her fight. For fight was what she intended to do.

Stephanie made a cooing sound from the crib, and Karissa stroked her daughter. “I’m so sorry, Steph, but it’s almost over now.” Karissa firmly believed that. One way or the other, the Lord was in charge.

The baby’s skin still sagged, but for the last two days she’d gained weight slowly on the IV solution. New hope blossomed in Karissa’s heart. As soon as Steph could resume nursing, Karissa knew her weight would jump dramatically, and she now pumped her milk every few hours with a double electric pump the nurses let her use, donating her milk to the premature baby bank.

An intense love for her daughter dominated Karissa, and for a moment, it was as if she could see beyond the child’s tiny physical shell and catch a glimpse of the beautiful woman she would one day become, in this life or the next—a tall and strong daughter of God.

A soft coughing sound drew her thoughts away from the baby. “Damon,” she said. “You startled me.”

“I came by to see Steph.” He glanced around the room. “I see your husband’s not here.”

“No.”

Damon stepped closer, so close she could smell the clean scent of his shirt and the masculine aroma of his cologne. Her heart pounded as his hand closed over hers. She was all too aware that besides Stephanie and another sleeping baby, they were alone in the room.

“Have you and Malcolm talked?”

She knew Damon wanted to know if she and Malcolm would stay together, but that he wouldn’t come right out and ask or announce his feelings—not after the way she’d reacted the last time. “No.”

“He’s not treating you right.”

“Maybe not. But I’m not treating him right eith—”

Damon’s hair flew as he shook his head. “For crying out loud, Kar, you didn’t damage him by what you did. Can’t you leave it in the past?”

“I know the Church is true.”

“Well, that’s a start. So do I. But what does that have to do with Malcolm?”

“Everything.” She chose her words carefully. “It was you who made me realize that the Lord loves me despite what I did. And knowing He expects me to make the best of my life means that I will fight for Malcolm.” She stared into his tear-filled eyes, praying he would understand. “The easy thing to do now would be to run, to not have to see the accusation in his eyes—or the disgust. But if I did, I would be breaking my marriage covenants, and I can’t do that, not when I know how strongly the Lord feels about marriage. I’ve been honest about that with you from the very beginning.”

Damon’s face crumpled. “Kar,” he whispered. And then, “What if he leaves you anyway?”

“I’ll face that possibility if and when I come to it. But I won’t let him go easily.”

He nodded slowly, and a tear slid down his cheek. “You’re right.” He hit his chest. “But it hurts right here.”

She laid a hand on his cheek, cupping it slightly to fit the strong curve. “You gave me something I desperately needed. I will always be grateful for that. I think your love saved me when I was about to give up.”

He grabbed the hand on his cheek and held it to his face tightly. “What am I going to do now?”

She wondered if he’d spent the last week allowing himself to hope, despite her earlier warning. Karissa was reminded vividly of how Damon had declared that he was willing to go through hell for her. It seemed that now he would. She wished she could ease his pain as he had once soothed hers. “Go home to your children,” she said gently. “They need you.”

“And you have Malcolm.” The words bordered on bitterness.

“And I have Malcolm.”

For a long while after Damon left, Karissa thought about his last statement. Did she have Malcolm? Or was he truly lost to her? One thing she did know was that the fight had only begun. Whatever craziness Malcolm might be prone to give in to, she was not going to let their relationship die so easily. They’d come too far for that. As with Stephanie, she would spend the rest of her life making it up to him. Maybe by doing so, she could atone in even some small way for her sin. She might not make it to heaven, but she would make sure her daughter and husband did.

* * * * *

After hours of pleading on his knees in a broom closet, in the men’s rest room, and finally in a stopped elevator, Malcolm found the revelation he searched for. Each time someone interrupted his praying he’d moved on, not thinking twice or even caring about what those he encountered might say about him.

In the broom closet, he’d remembered the words Jesse had used when blessing him to abstain from smoking. “You must also love your wife and remember that she is a special daughter of God. Cleave unto her and no other.” The words hadn’t made much sense then, but they did now. The Lord had been preparing him to learn about Karissa’s past.

Knowing this still didn’t make it any easier to accept what had happened, so Malcolm prayed on.

In the men’s rest room, he began to understand that he didn’t love Karissa with his whole heart as he’d always assumed. He had set rules: he loved her only as long as she was the person he had believed her to be. Karissa had no such reservations. When he’d refused to quit smoking initially, she’d kept on loving him, though she believed it might prevent her from having the baby she longed for. Women were perhaps more complicated than men, but apparently it took a woman to love a person in spite of his faults.

In the stopped elevator, he realized that Jesse was right. It wasn’t his place to forgive Karissa, but the Lord’s. Malcolm could only help Karissa find her way back. But was it even possible? He’d always believed that abortion was murder, and how could anyone be forgiven for that? How could they build an eternal life together when one of them was barred from entering the celestial kingdom?

“There has to be a way.” Malcolm pictured Karissa as she had been that morning, thin and white, with black shadows under her eyes and deep hollows in her cheeks. Emotion for her filled his heart so completely that it almost hurt. He loved her! And he needed to protect her, to help her.

Malcolm determined to put his ego behind him—and his judgments. The Lord would be both Savior and judge, not Malcolm. As the patriarch of their family, Malcolm would fight to answer to the Lord in her place. As her husband.

“Please,” he begged. “Please let us find a way. I’ll do anything. I know I haven’t been much of a husband lately, but I was wrong. I’ll gladly take upon myself her sins, and spend the rest of my life trying to atone for them and make it up to her. Please, dear God. She’s suffered so much. Please!” As he said it, a pure, powerful love flooded his entire being, larger and more encompassing than he’d ever felt. The feeling held no pain, only exquisite joy. Suddenly, in his mind, he saw his wife as the Savior saw her—and she was clean!

Pure, divine love filled Malcolm’s soul, replacing all the anger and bitterness and betrayal he’d previously felt. His life with Karissa wasn’t over—far from it. They could yet build an eternal marriage. He wanted to laugh and shout and scream for joy, but his limbs were so weak with emotion that he could only kneel on the floor of the stopped elevator and sob. The Savior’s atonement could repair his life—and more importantly, Karissa’s.

But how to convince her?

He’d seen the devastation in her eyes and knew it wouldn’t be easy. Especially after the atrocious way he’d treated her, his precious wife. The woman he should have protected and supported. “I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy,” he vowed. But how to begin?

How could he make her see that she was still a beloved daughter of God who would be welcomed home with open arms?

Then he saw it, written in bold black and white on the floor in front of him, where the Ensign magazine lay open to a conference talk by Elder Boyd K. Packer.

Here was the answer!