There is a God
Helena and Addy had been gradually redecorating the farmhouse. There were five bedrooms, one for each of them. Helena spoiled Addy’s children so; but the kids were none the worse for it. Compared to Lionel’s unpleasant attitude toward them, the kids viewed Addy and Helena as fairy godmothers.
For her room, Mary picked out pink rose-patterned wallpaper with a pearlite finish. Helena had bought a white canopy bed with a bedspread and canopy that matched the wallpaper. The room was so light and airy, with white organdy curtains on the windows. Mary even had her own dressing table with a skirt made from the same fabric as the bedspread and canopy, and, of course, a writing desk and stuffed chair. This redecorating project cost a fortune, but to Helena, when she loved someone, money was no object. She loved little Mary deeply; a sweet child named after Helena’s mom.
Jimmy had chosen tan cowboy-themed wallpaper, and Helena bought new maple furniture for his room. Pete liked aviation, so he selected light blue wallpaper printed with airplanes from various eras in history. He, too, had all new bedroom furniture. The second floor of the farmhouse was decorated like the lovely rooms Addy had seen in her women’s magazines. Never in her life could she have imagined her children and she would share in such fantasies.
Addy’s wallpaper was her favorite color, yellow. Located on the side of the house that received the most sun in the morning, Addy always awakened in a good mood. She had chosen a bedspread dotted with daisies, but she would not allow Helena to buy her new furniture. Mary had kept her mahogany bedroom set in pristine condition, and Addy convinced Helena that it would be an honor to use Mary’s furniture.
Helena had redecorated her bedroom with new ivory-colored French provincial furniture. The walls were pale blue, and the padded headboard matched the ivory and light blue printed drapes and bedspread. Above each window was an ivory-colored cornice outlined with wide, light blue grosgrain ribbon. Helena designed this room to resemble one of her favorite rooms in the elegant, yet inviting, Paris hotel James and she had frequented. Always cognizant of the possibility that Lionel might one day try to put a stop to her friendship with Addy and the children, Helena left the first floor exactly the way it was. She locked the upstairs bedrooms so that Lionel would never be able to see the havens she had created for her best friend and the children.
Halloween and Thanksgiving at the farm had been wonderful, but neither could surpass the sheer magic of Noel. Lionel let Addy and the kids sleep at Helena’s on Christmas Eve. Addy made eggnog and turned on the radio to listen to carols. At around ten o’clock, after they had all had their fill of eggnog and cookies, Addy coaxed the children up to bed. Mary knew Santa would not come while she was still awake.
“What if Santa doesn’t know I’m here, and he goes to our house instead?” Mary asked, suddenly frightened.
Helena thought quickly, and said, “Mary, Santa knows where you are no matter what. Remember the song, ‘He knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake ...’”
Relieved, Mary laughed, kissed Addy and Helena “good night” and skipped upstairs to her beautiful new room. Mary could not remember ever having been this happy on Christmas Eve. She never imagined lovely bedrooms and pretty, calm houses existed outside the pictures in storybooks.
The boys asked if they could play a board game until they got tired. Addy agreed, just as long as they did not keep Mary awake. When the kids were all upstairs, Helena and Addy both flopped on the sofa, sitting silently in the gentle glow of the Christmas tree, immersed in the ineffable tranquility and beauty of the moment. Helena had never experienced the holidays with children, and Addy had not experienced peace at Christmas for so long. Could the two women have ever imagined just how much the rekindling of their friendship would change their lives? It had only been a matter of a few months since the death of Helena’s mother, but in such a short time, a small window of hope had opened in Addy’s heart. She was afraid that at any instant, the panes might shatter, and she would be, once again, unprotected and afraid. Addy pushed those fears out of her mind. Tonight was Christmas Eve, Lionel was nowhere around, and she was with Helena, her sister of the heart.
Addy turned to look at Helena, who was admiring the beauty of the tree. “You sure know how to decorate a Christmas tree,” Helena remarked.
Addy replied with, “At least I’m good at something ...”
“You stop that, Addy. You excel at a lot of things. Look at the job you’ve done with your kids, and you are a remarkable cook. Most of all, you’re a phenomenal person. It’s that beast of a husband of yours who has knocked the life out of you. When ARE we going to kill him?”
Addy laughed, “You forgot to say that I’m also a great seamstress. Remember the Halloween costumes?”
Helena tossed a throw pillow at Addy. “Don’t go getting a swelled head. Well I guess we will let that brute Lionel live through Christmas. Now let me go spike the eggnog. We have a lot of work ahead of us, so we may as well get plastered.”
Helena rifled through the kitchen cupboards to find the bottle of Jamaican rum her mother had used solely for baking, and then poured the rum into the punchbowl of eggnog. She filled two cups and brought them into the living room. “Cheers, Addy, here’s to many more glorious holidays together.”
Addy raised her cup high, and said, “Cheers, Helena, I’ll drink to that.”
The two friends drank and laughed late into the night. They managed to put the train together and set out everything that Santa was supposed to have delivered. Then they arranged the presents around the tree.
By this time, Addy could barely stand up. She wobbled over to Helena to give her a hug. “Helena, I don’t know how I can ever repay you for all that you have done for us.” Then, Addy began to cry.
Helena held her close, gently stroking her hair. “Shhh … you’ll wake up the kids. It will be all right, you’ll see. You are going to be fine. I promise you. Now, don’t be a weepy drunk.”
Addy laughed between sobs. Her nose was running like a little kid’s. The thought of how she must look with snots dribbling down her face struck her funny. She laughed so hard she had to make a beeline for the bathroom. Thank God, she made it. Having a snotty nose and pissy pants at the same time would be the last straw.
“I’m going to turn in,” Helena yawned. After a last long look at the tree, she reminded Addy to unplug the Christmas lights. “Good night, Addy. Sweet dreams. I’ll set my alarm for six, so we can try to be up before the kids.”
Addy lingered downstairs; she had always loved to be alone with the tree. It was sad that such beautiful trees had to give up their lives at Christmas, but Addy used to console herself with the thought that these trees were selected for this moment of crowning glory. There had been a few times when Addy was a child that she saw the tree as a symbol of the life of Jesus. He was born an innocent babe in a wooden stable, and the reason for his coming was to give up his life for the sins of humankind. He hung on a tree, but overcame death on Easter Sunday. In the end, it was a triumphant story, for Jesus ascended into Heaven.
As Addy grew older, she had difficulty understanding that if God is all-knowing, then had he known beforehand that Adam and Eve would sin. Was he naïve? He could not be ingenuous because that is a human quality, and God is not supposed to be human. Several times during her Catholic schooling, Addy had tried to raise such questions, but her queries were quickly dismissed with, “You cannot question your religion.”
Tonight, she did not want to fall down the rabbit hole of over thinking. All she knew was Christmas cast a magic spell upon her, and she did not care to analyze why. Addy went to the window to see the fresh snow falling. If the flakes were large, you could catch them on your sleeve and inspect each crystal. She went outside to the edge of the porch and stuck out her arm. Sure enough, the flakes gathered on the sleeve of her nightgown and remained there for a few seconds so Addy could admire their individual beauty. The sky was clear black, dotted with sparkling stars. As Addy looked upward, she whispered a little prayer, “I don’t know who I’m praying to. Is it God? Is it my parents? Is it the universe? All I know is that right now I am filled with humble gratitude for my life. Oh, please let me carry this thankfulness in my heart, no matter what happens.”
Addy surprised herself. She had given up praying long ago. Once she identified herself as an unlucky person, she had relinquished all hope of her life ever improving. The wind picked up and Addy was shivering. She went inside to take one last cup of eggnog to help her sleep then climbed the stairs to her room, where no Lionel was waiting to pinch her bottom.
Mary awakened around five thirty and tiptoed into the boy’s rooms. She whispered excitedly, “It’s Christmas!” The three had always crept downstairs early to see if Santa had come. Although the boys had stayed up really late and would rather have pulled the covers over their heads, they could never disappoint Mary. Dragging themselves out of bed, the groggy brothers tiptoed downstairs with Mary.
The children were speechless when they saw the mounds of gifts piled around the tree. Peter and Jimmy looked at each other in amazement; maybe there really is a Santa Claus. Mary squealed with delight when she saw the walking doll and the new skates. Helena didn’t feel that just two gifts from Santa were enough for Mary, so she had also bought a small model kitchen with tiny accessories. Jimmy’s electric train was set up around the tree. He immediately flipped the switch, and the little train chugged off, blowing its whistle proudly. He was so enthralled with his train set that he hadn’t noticed there were skates and a toboggan for him, too. Pete marveled at the erector and chemistry sets, and new skates. He just could not believe that he had received so many gifts.
By this time, Helena’s alarm clock had buzzed, and she rolled over to turn it off. Then she remembered it was Christmas morning, so she forced herself to get out of bed and drag her tired body to the bathroom. Addy was knocked out from the rum, and Helena had to shake her vigorously to wake her up. Addy was disoriented. Where was she? Why was she in this pretty room? Where was Lionel? As Addy slowly came to, she was relieved to know she was at Helena’s.
“Merry Christmas, sleepyhead,” Helena said cheerfully.
“Merry Christmas to you, Helena. Are the kids up yet?”
“They sure are. Can’t you hear them? It sounds like they’re thrilled with the toys.”
As Addy tried to lift her head from the pillow, a pounding headache overwhelmed her. “Wow, do I ever have a headache.”
Helena laughed, “I’ll give you a couple of aspirin. What you have is better known as a hangover.”
Addy smiled, rolled out of bed, and gave Helena a hug. “Helena, I love you.”
“I love you too, Addy. Now get your carcass out of bed. It’s Christmas.”
The two women slunk sleepily down the stairs, just as Addy’s aunts had done so many years ago. When Addy saw her children laughing with complete abandon, she once again sent up a prayer of gratitude. Lionel would not be arriving until dinnertime, so they had the whole morning to relax and enjoy themselves. Thank God, Addy had convinced him not to come over and fetch them for Mass. Lately, he actually listened to her sometimes.
Helena played Christmas records on her phonograph, and making believe she was a conductor, directed everyone to sing along. The morning flew by, and it was time to start getting everything ready for Christmas dinner. Lionel was bringing his brother the Monsignor, so Helena reminded herself to be on her best behavior, lay it on thick, and pretend she was poised to hand over the farm any day now.
Lionel and the Monsignor arrived promptly at 2:00 p.m., wine and presents in tow. Helena greeted them warmly, and the children shouted, “Merry Christmas, Daddy. Merry Christmas, Monsignor.”
Much to Helena’s surprise, Monsignor Roberge hurried over to the children and gave them each a warm hug. “Merry Christmas, and God bless you.” He seemed much nicer than Lionel did, but then again, he might be putting on the dog to impress her. She was no fool.
After Monsignor said a long grace, they dined on a fabulous ham dinner. Of course, when his brother raved about Addy’s cooking, Lionel smiled toward Addy and said those familiar but revolting words: “That’s my Addy girl.”
Addy almost choked on her food, wishing Lionel had kept his big, fat mouth shut. Every time he said that, Addy shuddered, thinking, “If they only knew.”
After dinner, everyone retired to the living room to open presents. Of course, Helena had made sure that each person received about the same number of gifts. The boxes were wrapped in beautiful Christmas paper with coordinated package decorations that could be used as tree ornaments next year. Helena studied the Monsignor carefully. She saw his eyes open wide at the opulence around him, but he did not appear covetous or sneaky like his brother. He was thrilled with the sweater, pipe, tobacco, and black leather belt. Even Lionel seemed genuinely appreciative of his ski jacket and other gifts.
By the time they finished opening the presents, it was already getting dark. They returned to the dining room for dessert and coffee, and the Monsignor had to leave because he said daily Mass at 7:30 a.m. and had to get to bed early. He thanked Addy and Helena profusely, saying he could not remember when he had had such a lovely Christmas.
Addy was relieved that Lionel did not say when she and the kids would have to return to their home. She asked him if he needed help packing for his trip but was delighted when he declined. He gave Addy a peck on the cheek, shook the boys’ hands, and bent down to hug Mary. He said he would be leaving tomorrow and would be back after the New Year. He thanked Helena again and then turned to the door.
As Helena watched Lionel and Monsignor Roberge walking down the path to the car, she noticed the difference in their gaits and auras. Lionel took quick, sharp steps like a Russian soldier. His whole body appeared tense and prepared to pounce at any moment. In contrast, the Monsignor made long, smooth strides, and he seemed encircled with peace. How could two brothers be so different?
Helena spoke that thought aloud, and Addy responded, “I wonder that myself sometimes. The Monsignor really isn’t a bad guy. He does try. Maybe Lionel turned out the way he did because his family always bragged about Jean-Paul’s going into the priesthood.”
“OK, Sigmund Freud. Don’t go psychoanalyzing Lionel. People have suffered worse injuries but still turn out normal. Look at us, for instance ….”
Addy laughed. “Us? Normal? Hold on there. I never claimed to be normal.”
“Well, for your information, you are normal and so am I. Normal people don’t intimidate or hurt others. Normal people have empathy and compassion. Come on, Addy. We were Girl Scouts, for God’s sake.”
Addy laughed even harder. “Oh I FORGOT about that. Of course, I’m normal. Thanks for reminding me. Want another cup of coffee?”
“Sure. Let’s just rinse the dishes and leave them in the sink until morning. I can’t face them tonight, can you?”
“Wasn’t it a nice day, Helena? The kids were so happy, and Lionel didn’t ruin things. It’s good that his brother came for dinner because Lionel behaves when the Monsignor is around.”
The children were exhausted, and try as they may to wring the last drops out of Christmas day, they were dozing on the sofa. Addy gently shook each child, then shooed the three off to bed. She followed them to be sure they didn’t fall asleep in their clothes. This had been an extraordinary day for everyone. Addy wanted to stop the clock at this very moment for eternity. She hated to release loveliness from her hands because she always feared loveliness would never return. The future scared her because her self-fulfilling prophecy of doom often came true. If only she could just relax and trust life to be good to her. When misfortune inevitably arrived, she wished she had the fortitude to fight back. Addy wished she was not so weak. She desired strength and confidence like Helena. At least Helena was around for Addy to admire.
When Addy returned downstairs, Helena was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. She had removed the crystal carafe from its box and was admiring it.
“You know, Addy, I have always wanted one of these but never got around to getting one for myself. The only place I remember having a bedside carafe was either in Europe or in the hospital. Thank you so much for this. It’s Waterford crystal, and I know how expensive it must have been. You shouldn’t have spent all that money.”
“Shut your mouth,” Addy joked. “After all you have spent on my family, even LIONEL and his brother, for God’s sake; I could never repay you if I tried for the rest of my life. My gift is measly compared to what you bought all of us.”
“No, YOU be quiet,” countered Helena. “How many times do I have to tell you that the kids and you have breathed the life back into me? I’m sick of saying it. Now, let’s go to bed. I’m EXHAUSTED.”
It was a very silent night as Addy stared up at the ceiling in her cozy, inn-like bedroom. She surprised herself when a prayer came to mind. “Oh, God,” she found herself whispering, “if you are listening, I want to thank you for this blessed day. May angels watch over Helena and my children forever. Please let us be happy, even if it is for just a little while longer.”
Addy fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. Her dream that night was particularly realistic. She was walking through a strange and snowy land, and wicked people were chasing her. They mistakenly thought Addy had done something wrong. Addy kept protesting her innocence and shouting to her pursuers, “I just want to find my way home.”
Suddenly the skies opened up, and Herculean men riding in golden chariots and wielding silver shields appeared. Addy knew they had come to rescue her, but she said to these guardians, “Don’t hurt those people who are trying to hurt me. Just please guide me home.”
When Addy awoke in the morning, she recalled the dream and puzzled over its meanings. All she knew was that it had left her with a sense of relief. Then it dawned on her … she felt truly at home at Helena’s farm and once before … in Greg’s arms.