TWENTY - FOUR | LUCAN

I DIDN’T TRUST MYSELF to read between the lines. Maybe it was the nasty situation outside McKenna’s house earlier that was throwing Ivy off. I knew what that was like; it was still rattling around inside me, too. Or maybe it was the level of fuckedupness involving her ex and someone she’d believed was her best friend. That would be enough to get anyone crazy. If it was my fault, letting stray vibes from some harmless dream get in the way, I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I was already struggling not to let that affect me. Any more effort aimed in that direction and I’d be joining a religious order.

Ivy whirled around, her hair fanning out behind her as she inched back towards me. I met her halfway. There was a broken charm bracelet on the pavement between us, and I stared at it, both freaked out and buzzing, instead of looking at her. We were standing so close that I could’ve put my hand on her waist with my elbow nearly pinned against my side.

“Okay,” she said quietly. “So now what?” She was gorgeous, there within reaching distance, her dark hair moving in the wind and her bright eyes trying to reach into mine. Shit, she was beautiful. Not just hot, every other thing you’d want a girl to be.

She stepped closer still. The wind blew her hair into my eyes, and she laughed. Weird as things were, they were getting weirder by the second. I wound my fingers lightly around her waist and held her, trying not to shake with the excitement of it.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she told me, serious face giving way to an edgy smile. “Do you?”

I shook my head, fingers tapping gently against her. My vibes were out of control, every nerve in my body flashing like a neon sign.

“Okay then,” she said. I felt the warmth from her words on my chin. I followed it down, and she leaned forward and kissed me with her gorgeous mouth. Our lips crushed together, savage and then soft. Her tongue poked mine, teasing with flicks of hotness that I’d never let myself imagine in case she’d think it was wrong. I cradled the back of her head, my body fusing to hers as we kissed hard and deep, then harder and deeper, and finally with so much looping pent-up energy that I wondered how I’d ever be able to walk back to the house without exploding.

The shock made it sweeter. I wanted so much that the want felt infinite. Where could we go? The path had serious limitations.

“Lucan, hey.” Ivy patted my chest and eased her face back. Two middle-aged women in baseball hats were jogging towards us.

“Enjoy it while it lasts!” the chubbier one yelled cynically as she stepped off the path to trot around us.

“You’re terrible,” the other one said to her. “Leave the poor kids alone.”

I smiled at their backs. Our kiss had witnesses. It was a fact. I draped my arms over Ivy’s shoulders and said, “Looks like we gave them a thrill. I hope you’re not shy.” I didn’t want to be shy about anything with her. I was past that the moment she’d put her mouth on mine.

“Not really.” Ivy curled her fingers around my arm and held it tight. “It’s just that I told myself I wouldn’t do that. This would be way too complicated — us.” I’d never seen regret set in that fast; she was squinting apologetically at me. Uncomfortable in her skin.

Her disappointment gutted my smile. Inside I was kicking myself to a pulp, but I took my hands off her and said, “No harm done, right? It was only a kiss.” Why’d I let myself get my hopes up? She was still head over heels for her prick of an ex-boyfriend. I should’ve known that better than anyone; I was the one who’d scooped up two and a half days’ worth of dog crap. Maybe the second cousin thing was freaking her out too, although that didn’t seem to be a problem a minute ago.

“You’re right,” Ivy said, visibly relieved. “I guess I’m just not used to it. I haven’t been hooking up with anyone — not that that’s what this is. We’re friends, right?”

“Friends,” I repeated stiffly, resentment ripping through my paper-thin layer of surface cool. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry for crossing the line,” she said, sensing the change in atmosphere. “I messed up.”

“Is it because…” I motioned between the two of us, unable to spell it out in case that made things weirder. “You know our mothers aren’t really related … that there’s nothing in the way.”

“No, I know.” Ivy nodded quickly, like that wasn’t the issue.

“Well, then it’s not crossing the line that messed things up,” I confessed. “It’s crossing back.” I started trudging off in the direction we’d come from, my mouth dry and my lips still tingling.

“Lucan.” She turned and kept up with me. “Please don’t be mad. You know I’ve been doing all sorts of stupid stuff lately. I’m not —”

“Stupid stuff,” I echoed. “Thanks. You always know how to give my ego a boost. No wonder this Jeremy dude took a walk.”

Ivy’s eyes flashed something that looked like concentrated resentment. “I was going to say I’m not a good person to be with right now, but I guess you just said it for me.”

Between my stubborn erection, injured pride, and a couple of other unresolved issues that had nothing to do with her, I couldn’t see any way out of our current trajectory. It was just like that time in my bedroom with Annalea, like a course of events had been decided on with zero input from me. Bingo. I’d been used. Only at least Annalea had wanted to be involved with me; if Ivy had rejected me any faster I would’ve had whiplash.

“Do you want me to go?” I asked point-blank.

“You haven’t even spoken to your mother yet.”

And I wasn’t in the mood to do it now, either. “Just tell me whether you want me to leave or what, Ivy.”

She folded her arms in front of the breasts I’d been avoiding checking out for weeks and frowned. “There’s no reason you have to go tonight unless you want to, but maybe it’s best if you arrange something for tomorrow.”

“I’ll do that.” I nodded, my face smarting under my skin. “Thanks — for everything so far.”

“You say that like it’s over. I’ll still see you, won’t I? This doesn’t mean …”

When I was sure there was no definite end to her sentence I said, “It doesn’t mean anything. I’m just saying thanks, Ivy.”

Actually, I didn’t know what it meant. The fact that she’d thought about us for even a minute, considered it and then junked the idea, was harder to handle than knowing I’d never had a chance. I still wanted to be friends, but, if I was being honest, I didn’t know if I could pick that apart from my other feelings. I’d been having denial issues for weeks.

“Stop thanking me,” she insisted with a guilty glance. “I haven’t really done anything.”

I wouldn’t say that. The second we got back to her house I rushed upstairs to the yellow guest room to tackle a vicious case of blue balls and the sinking feeling that Ivy and I would never be the same again.

I got up early, like the previous morning. I figured I’d call a cab and flee the scene before I had a chance to say something stupid to Ivy about our scene in the park. Mr. Hawkes was hanging out in the kitchen with his laptop, the business section of the paper, and a steaming coffee mug. He flinched when I walked into the room. “I forgot you were here,” he commented, running a hand through his movie star hair. “No one else around here gets up at the crack of dawn.”

“I have to get back,” I told him. “I was going to call for a cab.” I hadn’t been able to get it together enough to call my mom the night before. It looked like we were destined to have our conversation face to face, which was probably the right thing to do anyway.

“A cab?” he repeated, perplexed. “I’m sure Ivy will drive you home when she gets up, if that’s what you want. I could drive you myself, but I have an early meeting so we’d have to leave now.”

I grabbed the backpack Mom had brought me, and we hit the road. I felt wrong about leaving in secret, but then again, I couldn’t have said what would feel right. Not listening to Ivy apologize and tell me how much she appreciated my friendship. At least not yet.

Mr. Hawkes had his BMW stereo set to news radio. I gave him directions to my mom’s condo, and he said he knew the area. “Does your father still live in Brampton too?” he asked. “How’s life treating him?”

“He has a house in Springdale. His brothers live close.” I shrugged, feeling slightly guilty for talking about him with someone who had called my mother a liar, even though that was practically a lifetime ago. “I guess he likes it. He works a lot, keeps himself busy.”

“And your mother?” Mr. Hawkes continued casually.

“She’s fine too.” That was all the info I was going to volunteer about her. Whatever had happened in the past, she hadn’t lied about it, which made Ivy’s father both a liar and a cheater.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll work through these problems with her,” he said, matter-of-factly. “Everyone has issues with their parents at some point.”

“It’s nothing that can’t be handled,” I told him. He was pretending to be conversational and all, but I couldn’t help wondering if he was digging for info, working out a way to get his long-lost money back. Hell, the guy drove a BMW, he didn’t need whatever money my parents could give him, but I’d barely slept last night, and he was an easy target for my attitude. He also happened to be my ride home, which kept me quiet.

When we got to the condo I thanked him and walked up four flights of stairs to give myself a chance to figure out what to say to my mom. I didn’t want crying or yelling; I just wanted her to say she understood. If Julian were there I’d suggest we needed to talk alone, and he’d grunt some gorilla crap like, “Whatever you want to say to her you can say in front of me.” I’d want to shove him again but I wouldn’t. I’d control myself.

The apartment was coldest first thing in the morning before the sun came in, and I shivered as I walked through the front door. I tossed my backpack down by the couch and wandered into the kitchen, hoping I wouldn’t find Julian there. Mom’s briefcase was on her seat at the table, waiting for her to wake up and take it to work. I sat across from it and put my head down on the table to rest my eyes for a minute.

“Lucan?” Mom’s hand was on my shoulder. She removed it when I raised my head to look at her. My eyes jumped to the empty spot behind her as she said, “Have you eaten?”

“I’m not hungry, thanks.” I yawned and asked the dreaded question. “Is he here?”

“No.” Mom stared at me in a way that made my head hurt.

“Look, I’m sorry.” My feet jerked under the table. “I didn’t want to say those things to you yesterday.”

“And I didn’t enjoy hearing them,” Mom said quietly. “I know you don’t like Julian, and I had no idea that you were so aware of what was going on between us, but, Lucan, some of the things you said just aren’t right.”

“I know that.” I studied my hands on the table. “I’m sorry.”

Mom swallowed and bit her lip. “He won’t be sleeping here on the days when you’re home anymore. I’ve spoken to him about it.”

“Mom, that’s not —”

“We’ll change our scheduling,” she interrupted. “Standardize your days with your father.”

I opened my mouth to say what I’d come up with on my way upstairs. “That’s what I’ve been thinking about. I thought maybe we could flip things around. I could spend more time at Dad’s; you wouldn’t have to worry about the scheduling so much. He’s not that far from the school. Nothing would have to change.”

“But this is where you live,” she said, her face pale.

“I’d still live here. I’d still live in both places.” My hands dropped down to my knees, my fingers thrumming away at them. “It would give you more time and me more space. There’s really no downside. Everybody gets what they want.”

“Not everyone.” Mom pulled out the chair next to mine and slid into it. “You know I like to spend time with you every day. You haven’t given this a chance yet.”

“You know” — I took a sharp breath — “I don’t want to make this hard, but I really don’t like this guy. Maybe that could change, but for now I can’t see it happening, especially if I’m running into him in the hall.”

“I told you that wouldn’t be happening anymore.”

“I know. But that feels like an unfair deal too, like a weird role reversal where you guys are the ones doing the sneaking around.” I wasn’t doing a great job of explaining. “I can’t see how this would work without the three of us feeling like we’re tiptoeing around each other. I just think I might feel differently about it if I wasn’t here as much.” I straightened up and held my feet still. “When it comes down to it, I’m probably only talking about a difference of two more days a week at Dad’s place. It’s not like I won’t see you. Maybe it won’t even work out with me staying with him. It’s just something to try.”

Mom clasped her hands on the table and bent her head. She looked sad and tired, and I didn’t know what else to say to convince her that I wasn’t blaming her (which I was honestly trying not to do).

I cleared my throat and coughed into my fist. “Mr. Hawkes drove me home. That stuff about him with another woman at a hotel was true, wasn’t it? He’s a liar.”

Mom blinked as she looked over at me. “You shouldn’t involve yourself in that. It was a long time ago.”

“I’m not involving myself. It was just something Ivy and I were talking about. Her parents told her the fight was about money. I guess now she doesn’t know what to think.”

Mom rested her chin in her hands and said, “They did lend us some money shortly before that. Things were tight at the time. We were paying it back in installments. They never cashed the last check. I thought it was some kind of reaction to what I’d told Lisette.”

“Which was the truth,” I summed up.

“Of course it was the truth, Lucan — Lisette was one of my closest friends back then — but it doesn’t have anything to do with now and with you being friends with Ivy. You should just put all that aside. Ivy doesn’t need to know.”

“It’s too late. I already told her.” Not like I’d be spending much time with Ivy over the rest of summer anyway, but she had a right to know. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to kiss her again any better than I could imagine liking Julian — and even if I could handle that, Ivy probably couldn’t. She’d be worried that I was hanging around hoping for a second shot. “I don’t think she’ll say anything to her folks, or to you.”

“Nice try at distracting me from the matter at hand,” Mom said with a long face. “Are you sure staying with your dad is what you want to do?”

“Let’s call it an experiment, okay?” Mom sighed, and I stood up from my chair, ambled towards her, and leaned over to put my arms around her. “I’ll be a whole new me,” I promised. “Not moody.”

Mom laughed lightly. “Now I know you’re lying.” She squeezed my arm. “I still don’t like it, but if that’s what you want.”

I kissed her swiftly on the cheek and plopped back into my chair. “I guess it is. You’re not mad?” I still wanted her to tell me it was okay. I guess I hadn’t been hearing that much lately; I’d been surrounded by distinctly un-okay happenings.

“I’m not mad, Lucan. I just don’t want us to drift apart.”

“That’s not going to happen.” It was part of the reason I wanted to go. I didn’t want to be angry with her. Hopefully being at Dad’s would change my perspective. At the very least I wouldn’t have to worry about hanging out with Julian in the kitchen in the morning.

“I worry about some of the things your father might say about me too,” she admitted. “Especially after what happened here the other day.”

“I spoke to him about that. I told him if he wanted me around he had to stop.”

“You did?” Mom’s expression brightened a little. She folded one of her arms over the other. “You know your father’s stubborn.”

“Yeah, well, I can be stubborn too.”

Mom full-out smiled. “I don’t doubt that.”

For the first time that morning, I smiled too.