Remarkably beautifully, Ms. Mahogany Bones was welcomed everywhere with the exception of bars, buses, restrooms, department stores, restaurants, schools, churches, mosques, synagogues, and the library. The library wasn’t a hostile environment; it was just Mahogany had a problem with being quiet. The staff may have known her name, if they hadn’t said, “Shhhh-Be-Quiet” so many times. Wearing a gorgeous yellow summer dress with some yellow Sarah Jessica Parker sandals to match, Mahogany sat on the edge of the quiet zone, just in case folks came at her all sideways with mean, rude, and nasty attitudes. She kept her shades on to mask the hate crimes. With her head covered and the black shades on, it looked like she was either a spy or having a bad hair day trying to get an emergency appointment at the beauty salon.
Anastasia, one of her other transgender girlfriends, invited engaging gender police and immigrant-despising eyes with a je ne sais quoi type of attitude. Despite snarls and snares she flaunted her essence and accessorized it with luxurious handbags. Having been robbed that day, she was not at all pleased, and with a sunken face she sat at the library table across from Mahogany, who was able to lighten the mood by showing off her new Sarah Jessica Parker designer shoes.
They chatted flippantly under their breaths about all the malice that surrounded them, but the gravity of the conversation got really heavy when the Fellow-With-No-Swag and the Simple-Minded Jezebel walked into the library hand-in-hand. The Fellow-With-No-Swag and the Simple-Minded Jezebel had the audacity or were just too blind to see that they were sitting in the quiet zone next to the woman they had wronged.
Mahogany told Anastasia about the night she was waiting for her ride in front of the library. She had her headphones on and was dancing so hard that passersby mistook her for a drag queen street artist and threw money at her feet. She wasn’t high and mighty acting, so she picked up the money and kept right on doing her thing until a fellow with no swag approached her. Because his britches sagged, he walked like a cowboy who rode four days with no saddle. Dazzled by her bopping behind, he started out with a weak pick-up line. “Hey Baby. Do you have the time?”
Mahogany glanced him over unimpressed and said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t wear a watch, because I don’t believe in giving some folks my time.”
“Damn! Be that way. Fag!!!” said the Fellow-With-No-Swag. Enraged, she was not the type to forgive and forget it.
“Girrrl . . . and then this simple-minded Jezebel, she jumped me in the library in front of everybody. She beat me like a rented mule at school in broad daylight, Alaskan style! By the time she was done kicking my ass, I was all bruised with not one . . . but two black eyes! I went to the campus police and they looked at me all crazy. I tell ya’ . . . folks don’t like hearing truth, especially when it comes from a tranny.”
“Well, I’mma go show ’em that we are not to be played with. Folks can’t run us over and think we just gonna roll over, play dead, and be all meek. I think I might have to put my foot up his ass and slap her into next week.”
Mahogany waltzed over to their enemies and confronted them. Anastasia looked on knowing there was no holding Mahogany back. Their enemies rose to their feet to spit out more nasty slurs and rude epithets and then . . . that was that. The library clerk heard a disturbance in the force, peeked over her glasses to see but missed it. In the blink of an eye the ruckus was loud, quick, and then Mahogany was gone like an empty tray of delicious banana split.
A week went by before the story could be told to the S.G.P.D. (Stankhorage Gender Police Department) during an interrogation about the incident at the library. Ms. Bones decided to be a good citizen, slid on a pastel blue vintage dress, and accepted the request for questioning. Fashionably late, she stood out in the suspect line-up for the Simple-Minded Jezebel to finger point her out. To Mahogany’s surprise, Det. Kendrick Richard was on her case again. Switching his eyes from her legs to the issues, Det. Richard said, “It sure is nice to have you back in my interrogation room looking like a devil in a blue dress. There is a woman on the other side of that window, that says you assaulted her last week in the library.”
“Is that so? Then why did she wait a whole week to say something?”
“Well, that’s kind of hard to explain. She says you slapped her so hard that the next thing she knew, she had skipped over the past seven days. The doctors looked at her, but there are no signs of concussion or temporary amnesia. It just don’t make no sense,” said Det. Richard, shaking his head.
“Well, that’s quite an interesting story, but it wasn’t me.”
“What do you mean, it wasn’t you? We have library surveillance video placing you at the scene of the crime. Det. Bucky, please run the video for Ms. Bones.” As if she wanted to put in a request for popcorn, Ms. Bones crossed her legs and reclined in the chair to watch the footage until it was paused. “You mean to tell me, this is not you in this lovely yellow dress?”
“Nope. It wasn’t me. Do you know how many women wear yellow dresses?”
“Com’on now. Look, Ms. Bones, there is more evidence. Det. Bucky, play the audio testimony of the library clerk.” While the tape played, Ms. Bones folded her arms and listened.
“Last Thursday, about high noon, Shhhh-Be-Quiet walked in wearing this gorgeous yellow summer dress with some yellow Sarah Jessica Parker sandals to match. Shhhh-Be-Quiet was sitting at the table with another crosser-dressing wannabe. That Fellow-With-No-Swag and that Simple-Minded Jezebel walked in and sat next to them. Everything was good so I went back to reading and then . . . well you know . . . moments later I heard a disturbance in the force. I looked up and saw Shhhh-Be-Quiet slap that Simple-Minded Jezebel, and now all of a sudden, I am here today, and a whole week has mysteriously gone by.”
Quietness upheld the interrogation room momentarily before Det. Richard broke it. “Sooo, Ms. Bones here is another witness that not only places you at the scene of the crime in a lovely dress, but stated that you slapped that Simple-Minded Jezebel into the next week.”
“It wasn’t me. That could be anybody. You know how many people they call Shhhh-Be-Quiet in the library?”
“Fine then, Ms. Bones. Det. Bucky, bring that fellow in here.”
“It was him. That faggot put his foot up my ass!!!” said the Fellow-With-No-Swag.
“Like I said . . . it wasn’t me.” said Mahogany, yielding puzzling expressions from her audience and frustration from the detective.
“Now you are really starting to piss me off, Ms. Mahogany Bones. You mean to tell me that the video, audio, and multiple witnesses are all fabrications? Det. Bucky, get me those damn X-rays.” Det. Richard held up a set of X-rays in front of the light. “Look, this is the Fellow-With-No-Swag and a shoe in his ass. Bucky, show her the shoe.” Det. Bucky pulled the funky-smelling, fecal-matter-covered shoe out of the plastic zip-locked evidence bag. “For the last time Ms. Bones. Did you do it? This is a Sarah Jessica Parker shoe, isn’t it?”
The detectives, accusers, and concerned citizens all knew she was definitely going to fall, crash, burn, and confess. Smoothly, Mahogany withdrew her electronic cigarette, mystically twirled it in the air, took a few pulls, and puffed out cool, mind-bending, vaporized smoke rings to dispel the hostile air and cast a spell.
“Yes. Yes, it is. And that is exactly why you need to go talk to Sarah Jessica Parker and not me.” The interrogation was over. They had to believe her, because her truth was undisputed. Plenty of women wear yellow dresses, designer shoes, and are told to “Shhhh-Be-Quiet” in the library.
Furthermore, no one could explain how the Simple-Minded Jezebel got slapped so hard, she time traveled forward into—but still missed the next week. Although it was her shoe in the Fellow-With-No-Swag’s ass, Sarah Jessica Parker was off being fabulous, so she had an airtight alibi.
The next day in the lobby of the library, Anastasia questioned Mahogany on how she beat the rap. Mahogany thought. She contemplated. Maybe a lie is what deserved to be told. People liked the truth, but truth was comfortable, easy and boring; whereas, a lie was shaky, hard and exciting. With her confident Jedi mind tricks, she could invert any lie into an undisputed truth. For she was an honest-to-gawd-good-woman.
“They just didn’t know who they was messing with. I am not going to admit a damn thing. But now I can’t go to the library anymore.” Pointing to the library information desk. “You see . . . they got my mug shot up there.”
In a new set of replacement shoes, Mahogany limped away, leaving her friends behind to read the sign. The posted flyer read:
Attn: Clerks and Staff of the Library.
Shhhh-Be-Quiet is Not Allowed Here.
She is Banned for all Eternity.
If You See Shhhh-Be-Quiet
Please Notify the Gender Police Immediately.