Thirteen

He was a fool, Jonah told himself as he walked around the carousel for what seemed like the hundredth time. When Lorraine had stormed out of the pavilion, he hadn’t followed her. He couldn’t, for fear that he would hurt her again. He clenched his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palms. That pain was nothing compared to what he’d inflicted on Lorraine. She hadn’t deserved it. Beautiful, brave Lorraine deserved only love and happiness, two things he was unable to give her.

Jonah increased his pace until he was practically running, but there was no way to outrun his memories. Seeing Lorraine’s distress and knowing he’d been responsible had been horrible. Her anger had been easier to bear, for not only had he deserved it, but though it would probably burn away by morning, at least while the anger blazed, it would keep Lorraine’s pain at bay. If they were both fortunate, the light of dawn would help her see the truth: they did not belong together.

Hah! Jonah stopped abruptly at the realization that he was a hypocrite. How could he expect Lorraine to believe something that he did not? His gaze moved upward, focusing on the rounding board and the images of Lorraine’s dreams. Though he hadn’t admitted it when she’d shown the panels to him, those were his dreams too. He wanted a wife who would gaze at him the way the woman in Lorraine’s painting looked at her sweetheart, the way Lorraine had looked at him as they’d ridden the carousel. Not one of the three Js, as he’d nicknamed the women who would meet his parents’ expectations, would ever look at him that way. Jonah knew that as surely as he knew he’d never give any of them the kind of smiles that came so easily when he was with Lorraine.

With a disgusted grunt, he extinguished the lights and locked the door behind him. If he stayed, he’d only think about Lorraine. The carousel was supposed to be the embodiment of his lifelong dream, and yet when he looked at it, all he could recall were the moments he’d spent with her, the laughs they’d shared, the friendly arguments they’d had over things no more important than the correct shade of paint for the lead horse’s saddle. Forgetting her would be easier once he was away from the carousel.

It wasn’t. Too distraught to go indoors, Jonah walked around the grounds, wandering aimlessly. It was no use. No matter where he went, no matter what he saw, his thoughts revolved around Lorraine. The scent of the lilacs, the sound of last year’s leaves rustling underfoot, the sensation of the breeze cooling his neck all evoked memories of Lorraine. And with each memory came the realization that he had destroyed something good. He’d torn out part of himself, and nothing would ever fill the empty spot that remained. Nothing but Lorraine.

An owl hooted. A rodent scurried for cover. It was an ordinary night for everyone except Jonah. He let out another groan as the magnitude of his idiocy weighed on him. How wrong he’d been when he’d thought Lorraine was a soft, spineless female. She was far stronger and braver than he could ever hope to be. Not only had she defied convention by declaring her love and asking him to marry her, but she was willing to give up everything she knew—a comfortable life in New York society, the companionship of longtime friends, the approval of her family—for him. And he’d been a fool, refusing the love of the most wonderful woman he’d ever met, all for the sake of family tradition.

Jonah stopped and stared at the sky, as if it would give him the answer he sought. It did not, but as he slowed his pace, his thoughts became less turbulent. The feud had been over for two centuries. It would not reignite if he failed to wed one of the Js. With that realization came another: it was time to start a new tradition—marrying for love. Jessica, Jocelyn, and Julianne wouldn’t mind, for each had confided that she had a beau in the wings and that Jonah would be doing her a favor if he chose one of her sisters. That only left his parents. Jonah would not delude himself into believing that convincing them would be easy, but he also knew that the love he and Lorraine shared came once in a lifetime.

His decision made, Jonah headed back to Lilac Hall. It was time to make amends for his foolishness. As he reentered the house, he opened his watch and peered at the hands. Half past midnight. Too late. No matter how much he wanted to talk to Lorraine, he could not go to her now. He’d see her first thing in the morning, and when he did, he’d tell her she was right. Their love was worth more than anything. Somehow, someway he would make his parents understand, but even if they did not, even if they refused to accept Lorraine, Jonah would marry her, for she was his love, the other half of himself.

Feeling happier than he had since the moment he’d so stupidly refused Lorraine’s offer of marriage, he climbed into bed. And though he hadn’t expected to, Jonah fell asleep.

Lorraine settled into the seat as she tried to focus on the scenery that was rolling by. The gentle hills of the countryside were pretty, and on another day she would have enjoyed watching them. Today she could think of little more than the emptiness deep inside her. She had believed nothing could hurt more than her parents’ deaths, but she’d been wrong. Jonah’s rejection was worse, for he’d destroyed her dreams.

She took a deep breath, thankful that the train was only half filled and that she was not forced to make casual conversation with another passenger. It had been less than a month since she’d headed for Plato Falls, convinced that Mike’s letter was the answer to her prayers. On that trip, Lorraine had spoken to the middle-aged woman seated next to her, telling the woman of her certainty that being reunited with her brother was the first step toward an exciting new future. How wrong she’d been!

Though it had been exciting at times, her stay at Lilac Hall had been only an interlude, not the beginning of a new life. Now the future that had seemed so promising for a few fleeting moments looked bleak, her dreams of love and happiness gone as quickly as morning mist. In the space of a few weeks, Lorraine had met—and lost—the only man she would ever love. She knew that as surely as she knew her name.

As the train chugged its way toward New York, Lorraine tried to calm her nerves. It had been impulsive, leaving Lilac Hall this morning, but she could not bear the thought of seeing Jonah again. She had left her belongings in her room, telling Mr. Parker that she would return in a few weeks. Once Jonah had left for England, she would spend some time with Mike and Betty. She would establish an activities program for each season, and then she would leave. But first she had to heal.

“I haven’t seen Lorraine this morning.” Cheryl seemed annoyed that Jonah had interrupted her breakfast preparations with a question, but before he could apologize, she pursed her lips and added, “You might ask Mrs. Ferguson. They spend a lot of time together.”

That meant waiting another half hour until the guests assembled for breakfast. Though he chafed at the delay, Jonah saw no alternative. Lorraine hadn’t answered his knock on her door, and as far as he could tell, she was not on the resort’s grounds. Mr. Parker might know her whereabouts, but Jonah hadn’t been able to find him.

Jonah’s spirits rose when the Fergusons were the first to enter the dining room. Not bothering with the social amenities, he covered the distance between himself and the older couple in a few long strides, then asked if either had seen Lorraine.

“She’s gone.”

It was what he had feared. He’d hurt Lorraine so deeply that she had left rather than having to face him again. If only he hadn’t been so stupid! “Gone? Do you know where?” Though there was only one logical destination, Jonah needed to be certain.

“She took the early morning train to New York,” Mrs. Ferguson said, her expression reminding him of a woman who’d eaten a sour lemon. “She didn’t say why, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has something to do with you. What did you do?”

“I was a fool.” Jonah wouldn’t share the details of that foolishness with anyone, because that would mean exposing Lorraine to possible censure for being more forward than most well-bred women, but he wouldn’t try to exonerate himself. Mrs. Ferguson was right. This was his fault.

The older woman nodded, as if she were not surprised. “You may have been a fool last night, but you’re an even bigger one if you don’t go after her.”

That was exactly what Jonah planned to do. “I don’t know where she lives.” It wouldn’t be too difficult to discover where the Caldwells lived once Jonah reached New York, but he didn’t want to waste a minute. “Do you?”

“I do.” Leaving her husband behind, Mrs. Ferguson walked into the parlor and seated herself at the small desk where guests composed letters. Pulling out a piece of paper, she scribbled an address. “That girl’s one in a million,” she said as she thrust the paper into Jonah’s hand. “Don’t let her slip through your fingers.”

Though he feared he’d already done that, and that Lorraine would refuse to speak to him, Jonah nodded and thanked the older woman. Unable to do anything but worry about Lorraine, he found himself sitting at the depot an hour before the late morning train was scheduled to arrive. Four hours later, he was in a hansom cab, headed for Lorraine’s home.

The three-story red brick town house wasn’t as large as his parents’ manor in England, but its classical lines were good, and the neighborhood spoke of wealth. It was the kind of house Jonah had envisioned from Mike’s descriptions. Moving briskly, he mounted the front steps and rang the bell.

“I’m sorry, sir,” the neatly dressed maid said when Jonah asked to see Lorraine. “Miss Lorraine is gone. I’m not sure when she’ll return.”

She must be out making calls. Though he hadn’t expected that, this afternoon might be one of her friends’ days to receive callers. “She came here today, didn’t she?”

“No, sir.” The girl shook her head. “We haven’t seen Miss Lorraine in almost a month.”

Jonah’s lips twisted into a frown. He’d been certain that she would head here immediately, but once again, Lorraine had surprised him. Where was she? She wouldn’t be calling on other women without having changed from her traveling clothes into ones suitable for paying visits. He started to hail another cab, then realized there was no reason to do that until he had a destination in mind.

He leaned against the Caldwells’ iron gate and thought. Perhaps she had gone to see Mr. Looff about working for him. Jonah shook his head. That didn’t feel right. Lorraine was somewhere in the city, but where? He closed his eyes, trying to blot out the sights and sounds of New York and focus on Lorraine. If he thought hard enough, he’d find the answer. Seconds later, Jonah’s eyes flew open as he recalled the conversation he and Lorraine had had one morning.

He knew where she was.