‘Mum, can you mind Livvy and Max for an hour?’ Rhianna asked just over two weeks later, in the second week of the children’s Easter holidays.
Janey was in the kitchen with a piece of toast sticking out of her mouth, rummaging through drawers.
‘I’m a bit busy, Rhia,’ she mumbled, the toast waggling up and down as she spoke.
‘Please. I’ll be as quick as I can, but…’ Rhianna cast a glance at the children, who’d thrown themselves down in front of the television as soon as they’d come home from their trip to the playground – a habit she knew she ought to crack down on, but that right now was doing a lot towards making her chaotic, sans-au pair life easier. ‘…um, it’s sort of urgent.’
‘Ask your sister,’ Janey said, removing the toast from her mouth as she pulled open another drawer. ‘She isn’t working.’
‘I’d rather not.’
‘Why? It’ll do her good to spend some time with them.’
‘Because it scares her to death. And because… I just don’t care to.’
‘I thought you two were getting along today.’
Rhianna couldn’t help reflecting that the fact their mother measured her and Brooke’s relationship in twenty-four-hour segments was rather telling.
‘We are,’ she said. ‘I’d just prefer you to watch them.’
‘Too much to do,’ Janey muttered. She opened another drawer and slammed it shut again. ‘Where the hell is my vape? Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to use bad words in front of the kiddies. Nicotine cravings are murdering my nerves.’
‘I know where it is.’ Rhianna stood on tiptoes to fetch it from the top of a cupboard. ‘I put it up here, out of reach of the children. Sorry.’
‘Thank God,’ Janey said as she practically snatched the thing from her daughter’s hand. She put it in her mouth, and Rhianna cast a worried look at Livvy and Max.
‘Mum, I don’t want to be a nag, but you did promise you wouldn’t use that thing where the children could see,’ she said in a low voice.
Janey closed the kitchen door.
‘It’s not switched on,’ she said. ‘Having it there calms me down, that’s all. Psychological. I’ll go outside for a proper fix in a minute.’
‘What’re you so on edge for?’
Janey laughed. ‘You’re seriously asking? You and Brooke were the ones who persuaded me I ought to meet this serial killer tonight.’
‘He’s not going to be a serial killer,’ Rhianna said, smiling. ‘The odds are at least ten to one against.’
‘Mmm. Very reassuring.’
‘You wanted to get out husband-hunting. You have to pop your dating cherry with someone, don’t you?’
Janey smiled. ‘You’re starting to sound like your sister, you know.’
‘Oh God, don’t say that,’ Rhianna said, laughing. ‘Mum, you’ll be fine. You’ll have your phone on you in case of emergencies.’
‘I just hope I haven’t forgotten how to do it.’
‘For my own sanity, I’m going to assume the “it” in that sentence means dating,’ Rhianna said. ‘Can you keep an eye on Max and Livvy? Please.’
‘Why, where is it you’re going?’
Rhianna lowered her voice. ‘I got a text from James. He’s here, Mum.’
‘Here!’
‘Not here here, but nearby. He says he’s had enough of me putting him off and he wants to talk about access to the children. I had to agree to meet him; he was threatening to come to the pub otherwise and I didn’t want a scene. That’s why I don’t want to ask Brooke to look after the kids. She’d only make a fuss about me seeing him.’
Janey looked worried. ‘You definitely feel up to facing him?’
‘I’ll be OK.’ Rhianna threw back her shoulders. ‘It’s time. I’ve been putting him off for over a month now. No matter what he’s done, he’s Livvy and Max’s father and he’s got a right to see them.’
‘Huh. It’s him seeing you I’m worried about.’ Janey put a hand on her arm. ‘Rhianna…’
‘What?’
‘Just… stay strong, all right, chickie?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Rhia, I know what goes through that head of yours better than you think. I’m a mum too – what’s more I’m your mum, and that comes with a special kind of intuition. I know you beat yourself up about taking the kids away from their dad, their friends, their posh schools and big house. I know you wonder constantly about whether you did the right thing. I know you’re struggling in these cramped quarters without your home comforts, and I know a little voice tells you every hour, on the hour, how much simpler life could be if you just gave up the fight and went back to him. Doesn’t it?’
Rhianna blinked. ‘You knew all that?’
‘Course I did. I’d be exactly the same in your place.’ Janey pulled her into a tight hug. ‘But for my sake, stay strong, eh?’ she whispered. ‘For eleven years you raised that man’s children and kept his home. Supported his career at the expense of your own, despite having more brains in your little finger than James has in his whole body. And how did he repay you? If he cheated once, he’ll do it again – and again and again, until he’s broken you completely. And don’t you believe a word if he tries to convince you otherwise.’
‘But the children…’
‘The children are better off as they are,’ Janey said firmly. ‘If you took them back there, what would they grow up seeing? Parents who can’t love each other; their mum sacrificing her self-respect for their sake. An upbringing like that, they’ll be riddled with all kinds of guilt by the time they leave home. They can still have a healthy relationship with their father if you two separate.’
‘But I can’t give them what James can give them. I’ll be lucky if I can earn enough to support the three of us, with a CV that’s been empty for over a decade.’
‘Oh, we’ll work something out,’ Janey said, although Rhianna couldn’t help thinking that was rather too vague to be comforting. ‘You’re a Cambridge graduate, aren’t you? Anyway, this could be the making of Max and Livvy. Better than coasting through life on their parents’ money, the way their father always has.’
‘What will I say to him, Mum?’
‘You’ll know when the time comes. Just don’t let him wheedle his way back into your good graces. Hold on to your anger; you’re going to need it.’
Rhianna gave a wet laugh. ‘You know what’s really pathetic? I still love the bastard. I keep waking from this recurring dream where things have been magically reset and we can go back to how we were.’
‘That’s only natural. But you can’t, Rhia.’
‘I know.’ Rhianna gave her mum a kiss on the cheek. ‘I won’t be long. I’ll tell the children I’m going shopping.’
‘Don’t forget what I said,’ Janey called after her as she went to kiss Max and Livvy goodbye. ‘Don’t let… the shopping get round you. It’s only thinking about itself.’
As Rhianna drove to the coffee shop in Halifax where she’d reluctantly agreed to meet her husband, she tried to settle her thoughts. The last time she’d seen him, she’d been consumed by a white-hot anger that she’d been forced to hide while she executed her escape plan. Now, more than a month after his betrayal and her flight, she wasn’t sure how she ought to feel. When she pictured his face, everything was a jumble.
She was angry with him still, of course. It wasn’t the consuming rage she’d felt immediately after her discovery of the affair, which had given her the adrenaline rush she needed to temporarily develop a backbone, take her kids and get out. This was more of a simmering resentment, touched with disbelief that the man who’d slept beside her all these years could do something so utterly devastating. But she loved him still, too. How could she not? Love couldn’t just be switched off, even in the wake of such a thorough and life-shattering betrayal. His features were etched indelibly on her brain; he was there in the faces of her children when she kissed them goodnight. She hated him, and she loved him, and she knew that one way or another, she could never, ever be free of him.
She’d given everything to that man. Sacrificed so much, from her never-realised career to the muscles of her pelvic floor. Why would he throw away everything they had for something so damn… trivial? Did he love her, this twenty-five-year-old he couldn’t control himself around? If there was one question Rhianna wanted an answer to, it was that – just, why?
When she arrived at the coffee shop, James was waiting. He jumped to his feet when she came in, awkwardly clutching a bouquet of lavender roses.
That was a novelty, anyway. James never did anything awkwardly. He was the most confident person Rhianna had ever known. She fixed her face into an expression of stern civility as she approached him. She felt like crying, but she wouldn’t. It was time to show James just how strong she could be.
‘Good afternoon,’ she said briskly, helping herself to a seat. ‘Shall we get on with it, then?’
James stared, taken aback by her business-like attitude.
‘Um… yes.’ He stood still for a moment before sitting down. ‘You look well, Flops.’
‘Don’t call me that, James. Let’s just get this over with.’
‘Right.’ He hesitated, then, as if remembering the flowers, he held them out. ‘I brought these for you.’
‘I don’t think that’s particularly appropriate, do you?’
‘Please. They’re a peace offering,’ he said, his eyes entreating. ‘Lavender roses, you see? The same flowers I brought you on our first date.’
She snorted. ‘A peace offering? A dozen roses for fucking someone else, is that really the going rate?’
James’s eyes bulged. ‘Rhianna, good God!’
Rhianna couldn’t help smiling. She’d been right; that had felt satisfying.
‘Oh come on, James, we’re both adults,’ she observed coolly. ‘There are no children here for me to have to watch my language around, are there?’
‘Yes, but it sounds so brutal when you say it. It’s hardly ladylike.’
‘And sleeping with co-workers behind your wife’s back is hardly gentlemanly. I only said it, James. You were the one who did it.’
He shook his head. ‘Why are you talking like this?’
‘Because I can. Because I’m free now from having to be your ideal, which means I can talk however the… shit I like.’
Bloody hell, where was this coming from? Was she channelling her sister? James was totally on the back foot with this all-new, straight-talking, hard-cursing Rhianna, his usual unflappable confidence nowhere to be seen. She ought to take up poker.
Still, she found it hard to meet his eyes. She knew if she looked into them long enough, she’d start to weaken.
‘I take it this is for me?’ she said, nodding to the steaming mug in front of her.
James stared at her.
‘Um, yes,’ he said, finally putting the flowers down. ‘Chai latte. I know you like those.’
‘Thank you.’ She sipped it calmly. ‘Well, let’s discuss what we’ve got to discuss, shall we? I don’t want to be away from the children for too long.’
James looked like he was in more familiar territory now. He sat up straight.
‘You’ve got no right to keep them from me.’
‘I’m not. I just felt it would be a good idea to let them get used to a new routine before we set up some visits.’
‘It’s been a month, Rhianna! They’re my children. I want to see them.’
She felt herself soften slightly at the earnestness in his tone, but forced herself to stay strong.
‘All right,’ she said evenly. ‘That’s reasonable. Now they’re settled into their new school, we’ll make a plan for access.’
James gazed down into his coffee.
‘Do they ask about me?’ he said quietly.
‘Not as much as they ask about Avril. Even the paid help spent more time with them than you did, so naturally they mete out their affection accordingly.’
‘Oh.’
Rhianna relented when she saw him press his eyes closed, as if fighting back tears.
‘All right, that isn’t true,’ she said in a gentler voice. ‘They ask about you every day. And James, I want you to know that I wouldn’t ever try to keep them from you. You’ll always be their father.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I thought perhaps every third weekend they could go to you. If you wanted them that often.’
‘Well, with work that might be…’ He stopped. ‘I mean, yes. I’d like that.’
‘And we could set up some playdates in the summer hols if you like. Day trips and things, the four of us. There’s no reason we can’t act like civil adults around one another, for Max and Livvy’s sake.’
‘No.’ He swallowed hard, then leaned across the table to take her hands. ‘Rhianna, please. Just… come home, please. The place is in a complete stew without you. I’m in a stew. I need you so, so much, darling.’
Gently she drew her hands away. ‘I’m sorry, James.’
‘I swear it’s over with Shari. She’s not even with the company any more. I promise that if you come back, it’ll be all about you and the children. I’ll stop working late so often; it could be like it was when we were first married. We were happy, weren’t we?’
‘Very.’ Rhianna sighed as she thought back to those early, joyous days when they were so utterly in love. He’d been so tender, spoiling her with expensive gifts, showering her with affection, treating her like a queen…
‘And we can be again,’ he said, a glimmer of hope appearing in his eyes. ‘Just give me one more chance. I’ll never do anything like that to you again, I swear it.’
Rhianna could still hear her mum’s voice. Stay strong. If he cheated once, he’ll do it again. But it was hard to stay strong when he looked at her like that, eyes big and blue and appealing. The Janey voice had faded to a dull buzz now. God, how much had she loved him? How much did she still, in spite of everything…
‘Once is enough,’ she managed to say.
‘You really can’t find it in your heart to give me one more chance?’
‘No, I… I can’t.’
‘Rhianna, come on, don’t be that way,’ he said, his voice soft and crooning, as if he was comforting one of the children. ‘We’ll go away together, have a second honeymoon at Mummy’s place in Tuscany. Don’t you think you owe it to Max and Livvy to give me a second chance? I’m their father.’
He’d seized her hands again. Rhianna laughed and pulled them away. ‘Me? Don’t you think you owed it to them to keep it in your underpants in the first place?’
‘I suppose I deserved that,’ he murmured, casting a look around the almost empty coffee house. ‘I don’t know what I can say except that I’m sorry. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I spend every day hating myself for it.’
‘Then why did you do it?’ Rhianna said in a softer voice.
He sighed. ‘You’re young still, Rhianna. Perhaps when you get to my age… well, I suppose it happens differently for women. The fact is, I saw my fortieth birthday hurtling towards me and it brought on a sort of panic. I was weak and I gave in to a need to feel young and virile again.’
She laughed. ‘You’re blaming your affair with a younger woman on a midlife crisis? I thought you despised vulgar cliché, James.’
‘I suppose I am. I never expected…’
‘To get caught?’ Rhianna said, arching an eyebrow.
‘Well, yes,’ he mumbled. ‘I thought I could get it out of my system, exorcise whatever demons were driving it, and there’d be no need for anyone to get hurt.’ He glanced up at her. ‘How did you know anyway?’
‘Never mind how I knew. I did, that’s all.’
‘I knew it was wrong, and yet it made me feel… alive. Can you understand that?’
She snorted. ‘Having sex with a woman fourteen years your junior made you feel alive, did it? That’s convenient.’
He flushed, dropping eye contact. ‘You make it sound tawdry.’
‘Well, wasn’t it?’
‘It was… complicated. But it’s over now,’ he said, meeting her gaze again with a pleading expression. ‘I’m ready to swear on the lives of our children that it’s over. I know I’ve got a lot of work to do before you can trust me again, but I’ll do it. If it takes me years, I’ll do it. I love you, Rhianna.’
She hesitated. Seeing she was weakening, James lifted one of her hands and pressed it to his lips.
‘Come home,’ he whispered. ‘We can collect Livvy and Max from your mother’s and we can go right now. Tonight I can have you back in my arms and things can be just like they were before – better.’
God, yes. To go back, to reset things and make this whole nightmare go away. To feel safe and protected again, and know the children had all that they needed. It was so hard to resist that soft croon, lulling her, silencing the voice of resistance in her head…
‘Come home, Flops,’ James said again, still in that same soft voice. ‘You were never meant for this life.’
Rhianna looked up, frowning, as the dream fled. ‘What does that mean?’
‘This life, this world: it’s all wrong for you. You’ve only been here four weeks and already it’s poisoning you.’
Rhianna pulled her hands away from his. ‘I’m sorry? Poisoning me?’
‘Now, don’t be offended,’ he said soothingly. ‘You’re able to hear yourself, aren’t you? How different you sound from your real self? You never used to be crude. Even your accent has started to change.’
She laughed. ‘Crude? What, cruder than shagging the accounts girl over your desk with your trousers round your ankles?’
James flinched. ‘You see, this is exactly what I mean. Your language has tumbled right into the gutter, just like that awful sister of yours. Goodness knows what the children have been learning from her. Not to mention the twenty-a-day cigarette habit they’ve probably picked up from your mother.’
‘She doesn’t smoke any more. She vapes now.’
‘That’s hardly a vast improvement.’ He looked at her nails, the polish chipped and callouses on her fingers after nights spent pulling pints and changing barrels. ‘You’ve been working with them in that blasted pub. Haven’t you?’
‘Yes I have. Why shouldn’t I work in the family business? Thanks to your bloody prenup, James, a share in The Highwayman’s Drop is all I have in the world now.’
‘I can’t bear seeing you like this, Rhianna,’ he said, softening his voice. ‘That place is turning you into something you’re not and it’s painful to watch.’
‘Or you turned me into something I’m not.’ Rhianna got to her feet. ‘James, I spent eleven years having your children, looking after your house, being polite to your boring, pompous work contacts and generally trying to anticipate your every whim. Despite that, and despite sacrificing any chance of my own career, and most significantly, despite your middle-aged, frantically wandering, and, I might add, pretty underwhelming penis, I’m not entitled to the dirt under my feet in a divorce. But you know what? I bloody well want one, all the same.’
James blinked. ‘What?’
‘You heard me. I want a divorce, James. I’ll never try to keep your children from seeing you, but as for you and me – that’s over. And absolutely nothing you say is going to change my mind.’
She marched out, leaving her now cold coffee on the table in front of a gaping James. She managed to make it to her car before she finally gave in, dropped her head onto her arms and sobbed.