Janey had been buzzing about this night ever since her girls had first suggested it, but as she sat opposite Colin Ackroyd on their micro-date, listening to him drone on about his assorted ailments while the Rollers’ ‘Saturday Night’ played, she was beginning to wonder why.
She’d known Colin for years; he was an old drinking buddy of her Eddie’s. But honestly, he could complain for England these days. Yes, they all had aches and pains now they were getting on a bit, and trips to the GP were more frequent, but there were surely other topics of conversation than which bits of them were in danger of dropping off. The perpetually glum expression on Colin’s face made him look like Droopy.
‘…anyway, our Sal suggested going to one of those homopathics to help with the old waterworks’ – he mouthed the word as if it was something terribly shocking, pointing to his groin in case she didn’t get it – ‘but Ted says the medicine they give you is just tap water and it’s all a scam. You ever tried it, Janey?’
‘Er, no,’ Janey said, wondering how they’d drifted onto the subject of Colin’s waterworks in the first place when the question she’d asked as a conversation-starter had been ‘what colour best describes your personality?’.
‘Well, I probably won’t bother. Ted’s likely right. Everyone’s out to fleece you these days.’
The buzzer went for them to move on, and Janey held on to her sigh of relief. Colin looked disappointed, though. He’d obviously been having a whale of a time telling her which parts of him were falling to pieces.
‘Well, Janey, we must do this again,’ he said, and for a moment she was worried he was going to try kissing her hand, but thankfully he thought better of it. ‘You look smashing tonight. Brings back my youth to see you all dolled up. Would you be free for a drink sometime?’
She smiled her best barmaid smile. ‘You always know where to find me for that,’ she said, nodding to the bar. ‘I’ll see you soon, Colin. It’s been a pleasure.’
She shuffled on a seat and stifled a groan when she found herself opposite Nigel from the parish council. Between his obsession with planning permission and his hobby of collecting wartime memorabilia, she wasn’t sure she was going to manage to stay awake for this one.
Eventually Brooke announced a five-minute break so everyone could replenish their drinks. When the other speed-daters had gone to the bar, Brooke sidled up to her mum.
‘How’s it going, Janey?’ she whispered.
‘Well, a greater bunch of tedious old coots than the men in this village I’ve never had the misfortune to sit opposite,’ Janey muttered back. ‘All they want to talk about is their illnesses, the state of the country today and the shortcomings of the younger generations. They’ve turned into the same boring, uptight old folk we used to roll our eyes at when we were teens. Did we really have to get so old?’
‘Sorry, Mum,’ Brooke said, patting her shoulder. ‘I was hoping the band might put everyone in a young-at-heart sort of mood. No such luck, eh?’
‘Maybe this is all there is for me now. These are the eligible bachelors available and I’m going to have to make do and mend.’ She glanced at Mike chatting animatedly to Carmel from the post office. ‘I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss Mike, should I? He might be obsessed with plants, but at least he doesn’t make small talk about his urinary tract over dinner.’
‘Don’t give up yet. There’s still plenty of dates to go. And if some of them are dull, well, at least it’s only two minutes.’
‘Yes, I suppose that’s one advantage.’
Brooke squeezed her elbow. ‘I’m sorry it’s not been fun for you, Mum. I know you were looking forward to this.’
‘Well. Like you say, it’s not over yet.’ Janey glanced around the room at groups of people chatting while the band played. ‘From the point of view of the pub, it’s certainly a success. Everyone looks to be having a great time.’
‘I know. Plus, they’re all buying plenty of drinks. Rhia was right: the odd theme night to keep things fresh could be just what we need.’
‘I suppose it’s time to get back into the meat market,’ Janey said with a sigh. ‘You’d better honk your buzzer, chick. I’ve got Martin next so at least we can have a good catch-up. The next man who starts telling me about his colon problems or something, I’m going straight to the bar for a treble gin.’
‘Good luck.’ Brooke gave her shoulder another pat before pressing her buzzer to get things going again. Janey sat down opposite Martin Brady, smiling warmly.
‘Um, hiya,’ he said, colouring as he ran his finger under his shirt collar.
‘Evening, Marty.’ She reached out to squeeze his hand by way of a hello. Well, they were old friends. No need to stand on ceremony this time.
He looked bashful as she withdrew her fingers. ‘So I suppose we should talk about these questions, should we?’
Janey laughed. ‘What’ve you gone shy for? I thought I was at least going to have one decent chat tonight when I saw you in the line-up.’
His mouth flickered. ‘Well. It’s all new to me, this, you know.’
‘What, Martin Brady, Yorkshire’s answer to Casanova?’ she said, smiling. ‘I remember when you had a line for every pretty girl around here. They worked as well which was more than most of the lads could say.’
He laughed, relaxing a little. ‘That was a long time ago.’
‘I know it was.’ She smiled sadly as the band launched into a cover of David Essex’s ‘Hold Me Close’. ‘We got old, didn’t we, Marty?’
He looked into her eyes, and she noticed an earnest look on his face that she’d never seen there before.
‘I don’t mind the getting old so much,’ he said. ‘I mean it’s no picnic, but it’s losing people that’s the hard part.’
‘Yes.’ She reached over to pat his arm. ‘I miss Mave too.’
‘I often think about how I used to share a pint and a game of pool with your Eddie. He was a good lad.’ He glanced along the row of tables. ‘What would they make of this daftness, do you reckon?’
‘Eddie would still be laughing at my dungarees.’
Martin cast an appreciative glance over them. ‘I think he’d find it hard to keep his eyes off your backside.’
She laughed. ‘You old flirt.’
‘Is that what you think this is?’
He looked suddenly serious. Then the buzzer sounded, letting them know it was time to move down the line.
‘It was nice to chat, Marty,’ Janey said, meaning it this time. ‘Let’s catch up later.’
‘I’m not sure at my age that I want to wait until later.’
‘What?’
‘Here.’ He pressed a bit of paper into her hand before standing up. Rather than moving down the line, however, he excused himself to Carmel in the seat next to Janey’s and disappeared.
Blinking, Janey opened the note. Martin had scribbled it on the back of a corner torn off his question list.
Fancy playing truant? Meet me in the beer garden in five minutes.
Janey hesitated, taking a look at who was going to be opposite her next. It was Ted King, a retired accountant who ran the village’s drystone wall repair group. Since she knew his favourite conversation topic was his hobby of taxidermy, Janey wasn’t anticipating an enthralling conversation.
‘Um, excuse me,’ she said to him. ‘The little girls’ room calls. Carry on without me, please, and I’ll slot back in when I can.’
She slipped out into the beer garden. Martin was sitting on one of the tables, swinging his legs.
‘All right, what’s this all about?’ she said, smiling as she held up the note.
He shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to spend the rest of the night listening to tales of people’s hip operations.’
‘You too, eh?’
‘Well. None of us can help getting old. They’re a good bunch of girls.’ He smiled. ‘But not the one I came for.’
‘You’re not talking about me?’
He laughed. ‘Who do you think I’m talking about, Olivia Newton-John? Get your bum up here.’
She hesitated before kicking off her platforms and climbing up next to him.
‘Still off the fags, lass?’ he asked her.
‘Yep, I’m on to vaping now. How about you?’
‘Not had one since I had that heart murmur eight year ago.’ He sighed. ‘Remember when we were going to live forever?’
‘Vividly.’ Janey lowered her voice. ‘Hang on and I’ll show you something my kids don’t know about. Top secret, mind.’
She jumped down and went to lift an upturned plant pot in the pub’s back porch. Underneath was a single cigarette and a lighter.
‘I’ve been saving this for a special occasion,’ she said as she hopped back up on the table.
‘Is this a special occasion?’
‘It might be. Come on, I’ll split it with you.’
He laughed as she lit it. ‘Now this reminds me of being young, sharing fags we’d cadged off our parents because we were too poor to buy a pack.’
‘Mmm.’ She took a drag and passed it to him, a ring of fuchsia lipstick around the filter. ‘Wasn’t always just a fag either, was it? Not when we rolled our own.’
‘Better keep your voice down,’ he said, passing it back to her. ‘My kids refuse to give any clout to the idea I might’ve been young once.’
‘Thank God they don’t know about those leather trousers you had, eh?’
‘Heh, you’re not wrong.’ He glanced down at his beer belly. ‘Those were the days.’
Janey exhaled a cloud of smoke appreciatively. ‘I used to fancy you rotten when we were teenagers.’
‘I had that effect on a lot of girls.’ He slipped an arm around her. ‘Like a sexier Marc Bolan, they used to say.’
‘Impossible,’ Janey said, laughing. She passed him the last of the cigarette. ‘Here, you finish it. And for God’s sake, don’t tell my kids.’
He inhaled deeply before putting it out in the ashtray. ‘That’s the ultimate marker of old age, I reckon. When you’re young, you try to get away with as much as you can without your mam and dad finding out. When you’re older, your kids try to get away with as much as they can without you finding out. Then once you reach sixty or so, you try to get away with as much as you can without your kids finding out. The three ages of man.’
‘Brooke and Rhianna make such a fuss, you’d think I was a newborn baby. They’ve got no idea what we used to get up to.’ Janey smiled fondly. ‘Still, they’re good girls.’
‘Mine too.’ He shuffled closer to her. ‘Will they mind, do you think?’
‘Mind what?’
He didn’t answer. Just smiled, picking at a thread on his trousers.
‘Do you know what I’ve been doing for days, Janey?’ he asked.
‘Should I?’
‘I’ve been wearing a hole in my carpet, wondering if this was going to be the night I’d finally get my nerve up and tell you how I feel about you. I came so close to chickening out.’ He nodded to the pub. ‘As soon as I saw them all waiting to try their luck with you, I knew it was man or mouse time. Hence the note. I think the last time I passed some bird a note to meet me behind the bike sheds, I was sixteen.’
She smiled uncertainly. ‘Come on, Marty. You’re teasing me, are you?’
‘I’m bloody not.’ He put one finger under her chin. ‘Janey, I’ve been trying to tell you for ages. Did you not notice all the hints I dropped whenever I came in the pub?’
‘Those were hints? I thought you were just messing about.’
He sighed. ‘Well, happen I’m not as good as I once was at this flirting lark.’
Janey felt a bit fuzzy.
‘Marty, I’m confused,’ she whispered. ‘You can’t really mean you…’
In answer, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
‘There,’ he said quietly. ‘Is that any clearer?’
‘But… we’ve been friends for years.’
‘Well? I’ve always thought friends made the best lovers. I don’t think Mave or Eddie would begrudge us, do you?’
‘Well, no.’ She shook her head to try and clear it. ‘I’m just… surprised, that’s all.’
‘What do you want to do with the rest of your life, Janey?’
‘I don’t know really,’ she said dreamily. ‘I suppose I hoped I’d meet someone I could share it with, take a step back from the pub. The girls are practically running the place between them now; they don’t need their mum any more. And then I thought I’d like to travel. I’ve done so little of it in my life – barely set foot out of Yorkshire, really. I want to buy one of those little campervans and just go wherever the mood takes me, in this country and Europe and…’ She trailed off, laughing self-consciously. ‘That sounds silly, I suppose.’
‘It sounds wonderful.’ Martin rubbed his grey hair. ‘You know, I’ve got a bit put away. Not a king’s ransom, but enough to enjoy my twilight years.’
‘Why are you telling me?’
‘I just… thought you might be interested. I always thought I might use it to see the world, when I found someone who wanted to see it with me.’
‘You mean me?’
He looked up to smile at her. ‘Are you not getting it yet? Yes, I mean you, you daft cow.’
She laughed. ‘Martin Brady, are you asking me out?’
‘No I’m not. I’m sixty-four years old. I haven’t got time to go around asking girls out.’ He took her hand and pressed it to his lips. ‘I’m asking you to marry me.’
She stared at him. ‘You what?’
‘Well, we’re not getting any younger, are we? If I’m going to be travelling about in a campervan, I’d like to do it with a wife. Not least because at my age, it sounds daft to introduce you to people as my girlfriend.’
‘But… Marty, it’s so sudden. We’ve never even… I had no idea you…’
‘I know,’ he said softly. ‘But if I didn’t do it tonight, when I’ve got a couple of pints inside me and the Rollers setting the mood, I knew I’d never get my nerve up again. Do you want to think about it? I can wait.’ He looked at his hands: wrinkled, now, and gnarled. ‘But not too long, eh?’
Janey trailed a finger over his cheek. He looked… different. Her old friend was still there, but in his eyes she could see the boy he’d been – the one who’d got her heart racing when she was a teenager – peeping out. He was really very handsome, she thought as she perused his features. Eyes clear and blue, crinkled with humour…
His confession that he saw her as more than just a friend didn’t feel so strange, now her initial surprise had worn off. Had she known already, somewhere inside? Perhaps her loyalty to Eddie, and to her old schoolfriend, Martin’s late wife Mave, had made her hide something from herself that was all too obvious. That it was always supposed to be Marty she was meant to spend her autumn years with; no one else.
‘Well?’ Martin said, looking anxious as he watched her thoughts flicker in her face. ‘Do you want to take some time? Or can you give me an answer now?’
‘I don’t need any time,’ she said quietly.
‘Come on then, lass, put me out of my misery. I’m tying myself in knots here.’
She smiled. ‘It’s a yes, Marty. A great big yes.’
Martin laughed as he took her in his arms and kissed her again. ‘Thank God for that. I don’t think I’ve taken a bigger risk in my life than I did tonight. You won’t regret it, Janey.’