CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

 

LILY

I don’t know which is worse—the fear or the pain.

My earlier contractions were uncomfortable, but now… now I don’t know what to do.

And Calder…

Calder…

My throat aches.

My eyes ache.

I want to scream. To sob.

But I can’t seem to do anything at all.

And then another contraction comes, swelling through me, and I’m lost in the panic and the pain again.

Please, Bubble. Please wait. It isn’t time yet.

“Lily.”

That’s Lou’s voice, and when I open my eyes, she’s kneeling beside me.

“Ward has gone to get Calder,” she says. She tries to smile at me, but I can tell she’s just as scared as I am. Still, her words soothe me a little. Ward will get Calder. If Calder is still…

Lou squeezes my hand. She’s put Ramona down somewhere—I can hear the poor little thing crying—and guilt washes through me.

“Ramona…,” I say.

“She’s in her playpen. She can tell something is going on. But she’ll be all right.” Lou gives another attempt at a smile. “Lily, can you tell me where your cell phone is? I ran up to your room to look for it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.”

My cell phone? I remember using it to call Calder earlier today, but I have no idea what I did with it after my contractions started. And I’m having trouble thinking of anything through my panic. “I… I don’t know.”

“That’s all right,” she says, giving my fingers another squeeze. “Do you remember what you did with mine? Did you bring it in with you, or is it still out in Ward’s car?”

I feel like I’m suffocating. “I-I don’t know.” I remember hanging up on Calder. Stumbling through the rain with Ward’s arm around me. Fighting back pain and fear. But I have no idea what I did with that phone.

Lou’s face is impassive. “I think I might need to go look for it. I have to call nine-one-one.”

I don’t want her to go. The thought of being alone in this house while everyone else I love is out in the storm makes me want to sob. But I know we have no other choice.

“Okay,” I tell her.

“I’ll be quick,” she promises. “Just tell Bubble to hold on. You’re going to be okay, Lily. We’re going to get through this.”

I lean my head back against the pillows. “You don’t have to do this, Lou.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend that everything’s okay. Put on a brave face for me.” I tighten my grip on her hand. “We both know that none of this is okay. That we’re fucked. That this is all fucked.” Somehow, just admitting that out loud gives me a little more strength. “I’m having a baby in the middle of a storm and Calder is out there somewhere… And now you and Ward are putting yourselves in danger to help. None of this is okay. But I guess we don’t have any choice but to push through.”

Lou gives a single nod but doesn’t say a word.

“We’ve got to push through,” I repeat, and I’m not sure whether I’m speaking to myself or to her. Somehow, we’ve got to survive this.

But God, I don’t know how.