Chapter One

1108 Days after initial infection

 

Safe.

I’d been searching for that word for three long years. I had risked my life, my sanity and my happiness to have it.

I had lost loved ones. I had lost nearly everything.

I had nearly lost myself.

All for that simple concept.

I wanted to be safe. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted my friends and loved ones to be and feel safe. And yet at every turn, safe escaped us.

Even now, in this ostentatious cathedral, locked behind heavy doors and thick walls, while we were probably the safest we had been in a very long time, we still weren’t safe.

Zombies pounded at our doors and attacked the city around us relentlessly. Tomás had learned that the western part of the city had been engaged in brutal warfare for days and the number of undead had grown exponentially as the Feeders picked at the wounded and those left behind.

We had water and food here, but for how long? Our supplies were limited and eventually Tomás and his people would have to venture out of their sanctuary and scour the city for sustenance.

We were safer than usual, but so far from the actual definition of the word it physically hurt me. I felt the ache in my bones and the panic rise and fall in my chest like an ocean’s tide.

I had spent the last four days recovering from years of trauma and life-threatening danger. I had been bathed and cleaned and married, but I still didn’t feel safe. I had been allowed to sleep peacefully, yet still I didn’t feel safe.

I might not ever feel safe again.

And somehow I had yet to come to terms with this reality.

It shouldn’t have been this difficult. I should have been able to logically assess the world I lived in and bring my brain to obvious conclusions about the standard of living. But I couldn’t.

There was something in me that wouldn’t drop this desire. There was some unrelenting hope that refused to die out.

I couldn’t stop myself from fighting for safety.

I couldn’t make myself quit.

No matter how hard I tried.

Maybe it was some dormant American-dream-philosophy that had been ingrained in me since childhood. I could make my circumstances better if I believed strongly enough… if I never quit and never backed down. The power was at my fingertips, I just had to give my hundred and ten percent.

Maybe it had something to do with human nature. If I finally succumbed to the reality that safe living was an absolute impossibility, I would give up all hope and have nothing left to live for. If I could never be safe, what was the point in living? Why not throw in the towel and give myself over to the evil of this world?

Surely my afterlife was better than this place.

It had to be.

Or maybe it was just me.

Maybe there was something errantly wrong with me. Maybe I didn’t have the ability to function in reality. Maybe the idea of a place to live where Feeders couldn’t touch us and warlords didn’t try to sell us, where evil tyrants didn’t hunt us and cannibals didn’t try to eat us, was too sweet to pass up. Maybe I was too lazy and naïve to let my childish dreams go. Maybe I still believed in love in this world of decay and happiness in a place that was rotting from the inside out.

Maybe I still believed in happily ever after.

I looked at Hendrix. My husband.

He sat next to me on one of the wooden pews that would have been uncomfortable if I weren’t so grateful for them and this place.

Hendrix’s eyes were closed as he sat in silent contemplation. I knew he wasn’t sleeping, but I didn’t think he was praying either. No matter how appropriate those prayers would have been with the golden statue of Jesus hanging over us.

His beard was neatly trimmed and his hair had been cut shorter in the last few days. But he looked more haggard than I had ever seen him. His Adam’s apple bobbed with difficulty and his fingers curled around mine and squeezed until I couldn’t feel my hand anymore.

He smelled like soap. His clothes were fresh. His family was gathered around him and we weren’t fighting off Zombies.

We were clean. We were relatively well rested. We were safe.

We were supposed to be safe.

That word again.

Unfortunately, safety didn’t mean simply a roof over our heads and a Feeder-free existence. My blissful, utopic ideas of safety included more than food, water and protection. I needed more than survival.

I wanted safety.

I wanted my friends tucked away from danger, well-fed and happy. I wanted my loved ones to get full nights of sleep with their shoes off and their weapons put away. I wanted our hearts to heal and our minds to rest.

I wanted us to be healthy in every way.

And right now, we weren’t any of those things.

Right now, we faced one of our scariest moments and not one of us knew what to do about it.

Vaughan had been bitten.

His arm had been grazed by a Feeder in the fight that brought us to this place.

It was a tiny nick on the inside of his forearm. There had hardly been blood when the skin broke. He hadn’t turned immediately into a Feeder. He had barely shown signs of discomfort that first night.

I had stupidly thought there was nothing to worry about.

I had been wrong.

Even inside this fortress, even with enough food and water to sustain us, even with my commitment to Hendrix… We were still in danger.

The outside world had followed us inside these sacred walls and threatened to tear us apart.

Again. For the millionth time.

I leaned forward and looked at Vaughan’s sleeping form. Tyler had ordered that he be stretched out on a pew. The one in front of him had been turned around to make a bed of sorts. She had layered both pews with enough cushions for him to be comfortable or as comfortable as he could be in the fitful throes of his high fever.

Sweat soaked his hair and chest. His skin had turned a sickly pallid color that I could make out even in the dim candlelight. His fingers clutched at his legs and stomach. They had left long cuts in his skin, until Tyler had them bandaged to keep him from hurting himself.

He hadn’t been awake in two days.

The fear I felt for him became a living, breathing monster inside me. I could barely breathe through this nightmare. I wanted to take this from him and put it in me. That’s how desperately I wanted him to heal. I couldn’t bear the idea of him not making it through this. I couldn’t stomach it.

He was our fearless leader. He was the glue that held us all together. He was the voice of reason and the wise advice we all ran to. He was Vaughan Parker.

He was supposed to be invincible.

Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes, but I quickly brushed them away.

For the first time since I met them, the Parkers were broken, lost boys that needed someone to be strong for them. I had taken on that role since Tyler was as inconsolable as they were and Haley had to deal with the baby and her own husband.

There was nobody left to take this burden but me. And I was the last person that wanted it.

But I would do this for them. I would be strong for them because they had been strong for me every day since they found me.

Page sat at her eldest brother’s feet, curled into a tiny ball with her knees hugged to her chest. She sniffled steadily and watched him with an unwavering gaze. She wouldn’t eat unless I forced her to or Miller physically fed her something. She wouldn’t talk. She wouldn’t even acknowledge the rest of us.

Harrison and King had pulled up a pew on the other side of Vaughan’s makeshift bed and were just as distraught. They watched Vaughan with horrified surprise. They hadn’t thought he was capable of sickness either. He was their leader, their substitute dad. He was their hero. He was the only thing that was holding their world together.

And now they were forced to watch him fight the only thing that had come close to killing him in the last three years.

Nelson clung to Haley and Lennon. He had a baby and wife to take care of and that seemed to stave off some of the despair that had rocked everyone else. But he was not in a good place. He was the only one of the Parkers I had seen openly cry so far. It wasn’t like he’d wept loudly, but every once in a while I would catch him wiping away tears that had escaped. He held Lennon closer. He didn’t let Haley out of his sight. He couldn’t speak without his chin trembling and his eyes flashing with fear.

But Hendrix was the worst. Maybe it was because of the bond we shared, because I knew him so much better than any other person. Maybe it was intuition because our souls were connected in an unending way. Or maybe it was because he truly looked like a lost little boy.

My grief was doubled as I worried about Vaughan and Hendrix. One of them was enough to kick me in the gut and send me reeling with anxiety. But both were too much.

They couldn’t both break my heart.

Hendrix’s eyes fluttered open and I watched him take a moment to come back to me. He didn’t look at me right away, his gaze went directly to his brother, to Vaughan’s chest to watch it rise and fall with staggered breaths. Hendrix squeezed my hand tighter in a gesture that was both needy and grateful.

My free hand landed on his thigh and I ran my fingers tenderly over the tight muscle. I wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay. I wanted to promise him that since Vaughan hadn’t turned, his chances for survival were great! I wanted to point at his little sister and remind him that she had been bit and she survived.

But I couldn’t make any of those words leave my throat.

I didn’t know if any of them were true.

Tomás stepped into view and jerked his chin to the side in a gesture that said he needed to speak with me.

I leaned over and whispered in Hendrix’s ear, “Tomás wants to talk.”

His grip tightened on my hand. He didn’t want to let me go. With Vaughan out of commission and the rest of the Parkers in the state they were, Tomás had come to rely on me as the spokeswoman for our group. It helped that I had so many Diego stories. Tomás trusted me more, knowing that his cousin had also trusted me for a time.

“I’ll be right back,” I promised Hendrix with a kiss on his cheek. “Promise.”

He finally turned to look at me and the bleakness in his eyes gutted me all over again. “Don’t be long,” he pleaded with a scratchy, underused voice.

His possessive words used to come as sexy demands, but over the past few days they’d dissolved into desperate requests and heartbroken pleas. The change in his demeanor did nothing but make me fall deeper in love with him.

This solid, capable man wasn’t beyond brokenness. He needed me as desperately as I needed him. He loved intensely. He loved completely; not just me, but his family too. Everything about this man was absolutely attractive, even in his grief. I just hated that he had to go through this.

I hated that we all had to go through this.

I gave him another gentle kiss, this one on the lips. I pulled my hand from his and met his shining eyes. “I won’t be. I’ll be right back.”

He nodded once before turning back to keep vigil on his brother. I crawled over the back of the pew because Miller was tucked in next to me and Miguel huddled in the corner of the pew with his face buried in his hands.

The newest member of our group was currently experiencing his own version of hell and none of us had the energy or the insight to help him through the loss of his two friends. Tomás had asked him if he wanted to return to his home, but he had shaken his head vehemently and blamed the Rat King for his friends’ death. Adela had explained that Miguel planned to learn from Tomás and eventually go back to the slums to kill the Rat.

Miguel wanted vengeance. He swore he would not be happy again until the Rat King was dead.

I thought that was a little extreme. The Rat King wasn’t the most upstanding citizen of all time, but Zombies had killed Miguel’s friends and those could have attacked anywhere, at any time.

But then again, Miguel and everyone else, living in that section of the city, had a relatively peaceful existence apart from the Feeders. Maybe Miguel would have been safer to stay back. Maybe we all would have been.

At least Vaughan would still be healthy.

Adela waited near Tomás. She didn’t have the bond with Vaughan that I did, but I was thankful that she was here to take care of us. While I managed the people in our group during this uncertain time, Adela had been managing our physical needs.

She brought us food and water when it was time to eat. She announced bathing times and showed us how to wash our clothes using as little water as possible. She translated for Miguel and Tomás and she fetched anything Tyler thought she could use to heal Vaughan.

Tomás could speak English when he wanted to, but he preferred using Adela.

“Is he better?” Tomás asked in English.

I shook my head and pursed my lips. We had decided not to tell Tomás that Vaughan’s illness started with a Zombie bite. We didn’t want to create mass panic because this highly armed group of concerned citizens thought there was a Feeder walking in their midst or get Vaughan shot for those exact same reasons.

“No,” I told him honestly. “He’s alive… but not better.”

Tomás’s forehead wrinkled with concern. I didn’t trust it… or him. My healthy skepticism had turned into a full blown obsessive cynicism and it was the very rare individual that could earn my trust these days.

“Is he contagious?” Tomás pressed.

There it was. The root of his concern. “No,” I answered confidently.

Tomás’s gaze narrowed suspiciously. “How do you know?”

“I just know,” I answered slowly. “His little sister had it a while ago and survived. It’s something they get.”

Tomás did not believe me, but he didn’t push me either. I watched his face carefully as emotion flickered back and forth in his dark eyes.

I thought back about my words and explanations and tried to figure out what Tomás’s guess was. I’d told him that Vaughan was very sick, but that it wasn’t contagious. What Tomás had decided Vaughan came down with was a mystery, but it was also something I didn’t press.

I needed him to keep his distance, so if he was afraid to get too close to us, that was just fine with me.

He switched to Spanish and Adela started to interpret. “There’s a situation,” she told me. “The Dead are attacking the back wall. Tomás would like some of your people to help fight them off.”

I looked back at the cluster of Parkers, clinging together with tears in their eyes, their shoulders heavy with the weight of this latest burden, and frowned.

We had stayed in a lot of places over the last few years where we relied on the hospitality of others to survive. We had always been up for fighting Zombies, for fighting any danger that threatened our latest sanctuary. We were generous with our weapons and our kills.

But this was different.

I could not ask those brothers to fight, when any of them could face the same fate as Vaughan. I could not add extra pressure to this family when they were so very close to shattering.

Noticing my hesitation, Tomás started speaking quickly. Adela interpreted, “He says that he is happy for you to stay here until your friend recovers, but he requires this small thing.” She listened to him for a minute and her mouth pulled into a frown similar to mine. When she turned back to me, exasperation marked her expression. “He would like me to remind you that you eat his food and drink his water and that it is not too much to ask to help protect this place where you can get a good night’s sleep and your sick friend is out of danger.” She rolled her eyes and finished. “He wants me to remind you that he has been generous, but that he doesn’t have to be.”

I let out a heavy sigh and nodded. He was right. We couldn’t expect to stay here for free. If the table were reversed, I would have my own expectations of him. There were too many Feeders in this city for anyone to shirk his duties.

“Fine,” I relented. “I can spare two.”

“No,” Tomás bit out, clearly understanding me. “Not two. That is not enough.”

I sighed again. I hadn’t really expected him to go for that. But damn, I didn’t know who to ask. Maybe Miller?

“I’ll go,” Harrison said from behind me.

I jumped at his nearness before spinning around to face him. My hand flew to my chest and I willed my racing heart to slow down.

“You scared the bejeezus out of me,” I hissed.

He ignored me, looking over my shoulder and speaking only to Tomás, “I’ll go. “

“I’ll go too,” King volunteered at his side.

“No,” I said sternly before Tomás could accept their offer. “You’re in no condition to go out there. Just stay with your family. I’ll figure this out.”

They shared a determined look. “Reagan, I’m going crazy,” Harrison argued. “I need to get out. I need to kill something.”

I noticed his trembling hands and a pang of something maternal and loving sliced through me. “No way. You guys will get yourselves killed. Then where will be? Think about your brothers. They can’t take anything else right now.”

King took a step forward and hit me with the truth. “Neither can we, Reagan. Seriously. I’m going slowly insane here. I need out. I need to get bloody. We’re going to help. You can’t stop us.”

I wanted to retort by shoving my finger in their faces and snarling, “Oh, yes I can, mister. You march your rebellious butt right back over there and take a seat.” But I didn’t.

For obvious reasons. One of them being that I wasn’t certifiably insane.

I dropped my hands to my hips and let out a long sigh. My chest ached for Vaughan. I wanted him healthy and better, but I also needed him healthy and better so he could make this decision. This was his territory. This was what we all relied on him for.

He picked the teams, but he also knew when to hold back. He had perfected the skill of sending Harrison and King into dangerous situations while keeping them at his side when he knew the threats were greater than others.

I didn’t want this responsibility.

And I didn’t want the guilt and heartache when everything went wrong.

“Reagan,” Harrison pleaded. “Let us feel like we can get justice for what happened to Vaughan. Let us end this Apocalypse one Feeder at a time.” He hit me with huge puppy dog eyes and I felt myself caving.

Damn him and those big Parker blues.

“They need help, Reagan,” Adela added. “If Harrison and King are willing…” She trailed off when my glare threatened to set her on fire.

“Listen to the men,” Tomás grinned. “They’re young. They’re fit. They need to kill, yes?” His waggling eyebrows reminded me so much of his cousin, Diego. I wiped a hand over my mouth to hide my small smile.

“Fine,” I relented. “You can go. But, don’t go back over there. Wait here. I’ll… explain what’s going on to Hendrix.”

“He’s going to want to come.” Harrison looked at me with those intense eyes again and I read his unsaid words. Hendrix would want to come, but he shouldn’t.

He wasn’t in any shape to leave Vaughan’s side.

I nodded. I didn’t want him to fight either. But, Hendrix had never been a good listener when it came to me and danger.

And since he was usually saving my ass, I didn’t mind.

Walking back to Hendrix, I felt the stifling atmosphere that surrounded Vaughan and his sick bed. I hadn’t realized how liberating those few moments with Tomás had been.

It wasn’t that I wanted to be anywhere else but with these people I loved, but I did recognize the need for a break. Harrison and King had been right. They needed air, they needed space.

They probably, seriously, needed to kill something to feel like they had control again after their lives had been completely turned upside down.

This was one of those boys will be boys moments I had to let be. I would go with them and make sure they lived through it, but I wasn’t their mother. They were old enough to make their own decisions and take care of themselves.

I stood behind Hendrix and rested my hands on his shoulders. I pressed my fingers into his tense muscle and massaged gently. He groaned with approval and the sound was so deep and masculine I forgot everything I’d come over here for.

We had been committed to each other for days now and we’d yet to find any alone time to… celebrate.

Vaughan was seriously messing up my mission to consummate.

I leaned down and trailed kisses over Hendrix’s temple and earlobe. I hoped that if I could sweeten him up just a bit, help him relax some, he might not be so resistant to my suggestions.

His hands wrapped around my wrists and held me close to him. I felt the intensity in his touch, the sorrow that weighed down his entire body.

“Hey,” I murmured against his cheek.

“Hey,” he rasped. “What did Tomás want?”

Slowly and savoring, I kissed him again on the jaw. “There’s a small commotion outside. He needs some of our group to help handle it.”

I expected him to jump to action or tense or be angry or something! But he barely twitched. “Tell, Tomás we don’t have anyone we can spare right now. He’ll understand.”

Shit.

“Um, actually, he really needs us. His people are tapped out and they could use our extra ammo.”

“Then tell him he’s welcome to our weapons.”

“I think I’ll just go with him.” I slid my hands down his chest and pulled him more into an embrace. His fingers curled around my arms as if he planned to physically restrain me from leaving.

“Not happening,” he growled. And it was as simple as that.

Only I wasn’t finished.

“Harrison and King want to go too. They need to stretch their legs.” I hesitated for just a second before soldiering on, “I think I could stretch my legs too, actually. I need some fresh air and I-”

I could feel his determination rising. “Reagan, there is not a chance in hell any of you are leaving this room. You need to understand that right now.”

“I’ll go!” Haley shot up in her seat and slid to the edge. “I, uh, I need to shake out some of this rust. I’ll go too.”

“No,” Nelson disagreed. Only his one word held the weight of a planet. It was one of those non-negotiable declarations that made me nervous for my friend.

But it was too late. She’d all but dropped Lennon in Nelson’s confused arms and hopped out of his reach. She swooped down, under the pew closest to her and strapped weapons to her body with scary speed.

“I can’t sit here for another second,” Haley announced. “I’m going stir crazy. And I need a break from the baby.”

Nelson blinked at her. “You need a break from the baby, so you’re going to go kill Zombies?”

I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing at Nelson’s dry tone.

Haley was undeterred by his sharp sarcasm. “Yes,” she nodded. “I haven’t killed anything in way too long. I can’t live like this. I can’t let all of my hard-earned skill go to waste.”

“What about Lennon?” Nelson asked, completely baffled by her behavior.

“I’m doing this for Lennon,” she told him. “Nelson, I can’t forget how to fight… how to protect him. I have to stay alert and deadly or he dies. We die.” She paused to give Nelson a chance to respond, but he watched her silently, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “It’s small, right Reagan? It’s not a big deal.”

Nelson’s fierce glare swung to me. I held my thumb and pointer finger up in the universal gesture for small. “Tiny.”

“We’ll be fine,” Haley assured everyone. “Reagan and I survived two years on our own. We’re like Cagney and Lacey.”

“We’re like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. We’re so badass together. It’s unreal. Honestly. It’s… crazy.” I tried to sound as confident as my words made me out to be, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.

“When we found you two, you were seconds from getting eaten,” Hendrix reminded us.

“Over eyeliner,” Nelson put in unhelpfully.

Haley and I shared a look and tried not to laugh. “Look how much we’ve grown!” She threw her arms wide and squared her shoulders. “We haven’t risked our lives over eyeliner in like…”

“Months,” I finished for her. “I mean, years… A year. One whole year. Or maybe a little less. But you get the idea. That was the one and only time we ever risked our lives over eyeliner.”

“One of the only times we risked our lives over eyeliner,” Haley clarified.

Hendrix looked helplessly at his brother. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I don’t think we have a choice here.”

Nelson shook his head in disbelief. “She’s a new mother. I mean, I get an opinion, right?”

I grabbed onto Nelson’s point and spun it in our favor. “She is a new mother! That’s why she needs to go. No one will keep a better eye on Harrison and King than Haley! She has hormones and maternal instincts by the gallons! She could out-mother a bear right now.”

Hendrix’s attention returned to me and with not even a hint of humor he said, “I can honestly say that I have never heard that expression before.”

“Because mama bear. Get it? Because she’s mama bear.”

Hendrix stared at me.

“Oh, my god! Let them go!” Tyler snarled. “Please, let them go. They’re driving me bananas!”

As if he agreed, Tomás reappeared and called, “Reagan, vámanos!”

Nelson looked at his wife and resigned himself to her willful nature. “Whatever you do, please don’t lose a boob. Lennon needs those.”

She grinned at him. “Keep the boobs at all costs. Got it.”

Hendrix looked back at me. “You too. Your boobs are your top priorities.”

Surprised laughter bubbled out of me. “I love you,” I told him, stepping close to him again.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. “You love me, but not enough to do whatever I say.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck again and licked his earlobe playfully. “You like my independence. Secretly you find it sexy.”

His hands drifted over my forearms before clutching them tightly. “I find everything about you sexy. One day soon, I’ll show you just how much.” The teasing and humor dropped from his voice when he said, “If it’s more than a small fight, you get back in here, you get back to my side. If there’s a hint of danger, you get back in here. Do not lose King or Harrison for even a second. Do not let them do something stupid. Do not let Haley out of your sight…” he trailed off, but then seemed to think better of the whole thing. He pulled away from me and jumped to his feet. “Screw this, Reagan. I’m going with you.”

I slammed my hands on his chest and held strong. “Stop. Right there. Stay with your brother. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

He glanced back at Vaughan and I watched him flinch with indecision. “Reagan…”

“He needs you, Hendrix.” I dropped my voice to a whisper, “Your sister needs you. This is a small thing. Trust me to handle it.”

“But, I can’t just let you-”

I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and promised, “You can.”

“You’re supposed to stay by my side.”

I smiled gently. “I’m always by your side. I’ll never leave your side again.”

His expression crumbled with resignation. He didn’t really have a choice in this, but I needed his support. I wouldn’t be the same out there without it.

He tilted his chin toward Tomás. “Go, then. But don’t be gone long.”

My smile turned into a grin and I kissed him fully on the mouth. “We’ll be right back. All of us will be right back.”

He kissed me quickly, passionately, with so much force and intention I staggered away wearing a blush. “I love you,” he swore.

“I love you too.” Then I bent down to tuck weapons into all of the places they would stay and keep. When I finally joined Tomás, Haley, King and Harrison in the hallway, they were as equally armored as I was.

The rush of adrenaline heated my blood and my fingers tingled with the sick anticipation of future kills. Harrison had been on to something when he said he needed to kill something.

I felt it too. I felt it in my gut, deep in my bones.

“Vámanos, Tomás,” I ordered.