Chapter 12

AS THE MUSIC PLAYED Thomas tried to focus on the steps and his partner. They were dancing the waltz, one of the few he could still manage. The key was in allowing his partner to subtly lead his own movements. That should have been easy when he held the most beautiful woman in attendance. The problem was his mind kept drifting back to thoughts of another woman.

Out in the garden he felt an intense desire for Eloisa, which was not something he expected. The fact that it wasn't just a physical need, but possibly something more tender made it more complicated. Such feelings were unfamiliar to him.

He had felt strange pangs of jealousy when she danced with Alex, even though his friend was a decent gentleman. Eloisa would have done well to catch a title such as he had. That didn't make the minutes she was with him go any faster. Then when Alex joined them and Eloisa was missing, Thomas had gone looking for her. That had been a mistake in so many ways.

"Are you having difficulty?" a feminine voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Excuse me?"

Sarah giggled. "You look like you are concentrating hard on something. I thought you might be trying to remember the steps."

"I tried to picture your beautiful face," he lied smoothly. "Since I have no memories of you, I find it a challenge."

"I could describe myself if you would like."

"No, I prefer to use my own imagination, but I assure you that it's a flattering image." She giggled again and Thomas relaxed a little.

He didn't need her description because he had already gotten plenty of them from everybody else. People couldn't stop the flowery words of her pretty face or flawless form. Before it had made him want her, but now I made him wonder if their flattery were true. No one was perfect, not even the delectable Lady Sarah.

"What are your flaws?" the question was asked before he could second guess himself.

He heard her gasp at such a bold question but she didn't immediately respond. Instead it felt like she was thinking it over.

"I've been told I snore," she said finally. "Quite loudly, in fact. I even woke the dog once."

That answer was so unexpected that Thomas couldn't help but laugh. Such bold honesty was not something usually heard from a young lady. It was both refreshing and delightful. Perhaps there was more to her than what could be seen.

"I promise to take that information to the grave with me." Thomas said once he was able to stop laughing.

He felt her poke him hard in the chest. "If you continue to laugh at me, it might be sooner than you think."

Lady Sarah had a quick wit that matched her cousin’s. He couldn't recall anyone mentioning it in a description of her. He wondered if he might be the only one who knew. Finding these little gems made him feel like he was privileged to a special secret. One he felt he didn't deserve.

"Have you given any thought to my proposal?" He spoke low enough that only she could hear.

"I have begun to consider it seriously."

That was at least an improvement from before. "Consideration is good, but a favorable decision would be better."

She giggled. "Of course it would, but I still have some doubts about our compatibility."

"Everyone thinks we would be well suited."

"I don't care about everyone's opinion, only my own and I'm not convinced."

"Tell me what I can do to further my case." Thomas felt like he would be willing to do anything to finally get the answer he wanted.

Sarah stopped abruptly, forcing him to bump into her. Her hand slipped into his and he pulled through the crowd in a direction he didn't recognize. He soon found himself in the cool seclusion of what must have been an alcove, behind a large potted plant that slapped its leaves against his face. The soft scent of flowers told him they were most likely surrounded by such pots. From his memory there were plenty of these hidden corners in this ballroom and he had first-hand knowledge of how secluded they were.  This was the first time he had been in the reverse role in such a situation.

"Is there something we needed to discuss in private?" Thomas could hear her nervous breathing and tried to sound relaxed in the hope it would help calm her.

"Yes. Intimacy."

Too shocked to reply Thomas stood there in silence until she spoke again.

"If we decide to be married intimacy is something we can't avoid." Sarah's voice was firm but the words came out hurried. "I want to be certain that we would be able to tolerate that aspect of marriage. Perhaps even enjoy it."

"Enjoy it?" The words were choked out.

"Yes, I have heard that if it's done in a certain way both partners can find pleasure in it."

"Pleasure?" Thomas must have sounded ridiculous repeating everything she said but his mind was stuck on the words she used.

"I'm certain you are familiar with pleasure." She pressed up closer against him. "In many more aspects than I am."

Thomas wondered if Sarah could see the blush he felt warming his cheeks. Even in this secluded alcove, anyone could be passing by and hear them. That would be enough to cause the gossips to go wild.

Clearing his throat, Thomas tried to address her concern. "I think that we will find that aspect to be enjoyable."

"Based on your extensive experience?"

Thomas wondered how much she had heard of his reputation. "I would never compare one woman to another, since each has her own passions."

"I haven't experienced passion before." Sarah placed a hand on his chest above his beating heart. "Perhaps you can help me change that?"

The request was improper, but Thomas felt it was reasonable enough. If he wanted her to marry him, a little passion might work in his favor. As long as he didn't let either of them get carried away.

Placing his hands firmly on her shoulders, Thomas pulled her womanly body up against his. She gasped just before his lips sealed with hers. She tasted like champagne. He felt her relax and give in to the kiss, which was exactly the response he wanted. Yet he felt nothing tingle or dance across his skin.

Kissing had always been something he had a talent for, having gotten more than enough practice since his youth. If done right, it would lure a woman into his bed with a minimal amount of effort. The thrill of the challenge, of seducing the woman in his arms, had always excited him far more than the actual woman. Now he felt nothing but mild interest.

Frustrated Thomas tried to deepen the kiss by running his tongue along her lower lip until she opened up to him. Letting their tongues dance, he waited for the spark of attraction to ignite. When it didn't he pulled away with a growl. Sarah stood leaning against him, gulping in heavy breaths of air.

"Was that passionate enough for you?" Thomas gently pulled her away from his body.

"It at least answered my curiosity."

The voice he heard was softened by her own desire and Thomas felt guilty that he was not equally affected. Sarah was everything a man could desire, but his body felt nothing after holding her. There must be something terribly wrong with him. Maybe the fall had damaged more than just his eyesight.

"No wonder the ladies are throwing themselves at you." Sarah gave a little laugh. "I'm surprised you don't have them clinging to you constantly."

"They did a long time ago, but a lot has changed."

"If they changed their opinion because of your accident then they are silly."

"They didn't change but perhaps I did."

He felt the soft warmth of her hand on his cheek. "Then I'm grateful for it."

Her gentle compassion made his chest tighten. Few people had ever touched him out of genuine affection. Even the numerous women he had taken to bed only did so in the pursuit of satisfaction. His satisfaction. It was always given with an expectation. Now he found her gesture soothing. If only it also stirred him as a woman should.

"I wonder what you would have thought of me had we met years ago, when I was in my prime." Thomas stood and let her hands explore his face.

"From what I heard, you weren't pleasant." Sarah continued to hold him as they spoke.

"No, but people loved me. At least they convinced me that they did." It had been real to him at the time.

"Sometimes we see only what we want to see."

"I lived my whole life based on appearances and I never wondered what was behind it. Now I can't help but feel foolish for such behavior."

Sarah took both his hands in her own, which were so small and delicate in comparison. He felt her rubbing her thumbs on his wrists, in the same way he touched Eloisa. In the garden he had felt the surge of desire, but now he felt only comfort. There was no lust heating his body and he felt like a failure for it.

"I think you are the better man now. You can fully appreciate the things you have now that you can no longer see them with your eyes," said Sarah.

She pulled his arms around her, an intimate embrace. The man that he used to be would be taking advantage of the situation, placing his hands on the curves of her body. Instead he allowed her to guide his hands to hold only her hips. Her movements were calm and that showed she felt secure with him. That kind of trust was a new experience for him as well.

"I know that we have tested our passion once already and it was amazing." Sarah was up on her toes, using her hands on his shoulders to remain steady. "But I think we might try it again. These kinds of things tend to get better with practice."

If it had been any other woman he would have suspected it was all a playful scheme, but Sarah offered her kiss in earnest. There wasn't a hint of anything coy in the sound of her voice, but there was a real tremble in her hands. She was nervous. The idea that such a confident woman could have her own insecurities surprised him.

"You can be my tutor then." He said, tightening his arms around her waist and pulling her tight against his body.

Slowly, Sarah took his face in her hands and began kissing him with the inexperience he had expected. She tried to duplicate the same movements with her own lips that he had used on her. There was even the slip of her tongue across his lips, prompting him to open up to her. It was clear that she was a quick student when it came to the art of seduction.

This time he decided to relax and not try so hard to force the passion. Closing his eyes, he tried to focus on the rest of his senses. He wanted to let them soak her in and hoped it would awaken his body. They might succeed where his mind had failed before.

Her body was both soft and warm against his. She had more than enough flesh to fill a man's hands, but a narrow waist that was not entirely due to her rigid undergarments. Beneath her dress he could feel the corset she wore, but couldn't imagine it was cinched tightly. It was evident to his expert touch that her petite body had a womanly shape.

Their lips parted and he trailed kisses along her neck, trying to find her scent. At the base of her throat he recognized the aroma of flowers, no doubt from something in her bath. He recalled many women enjoyed putting scented oils in the water to give them that same scent. It was a disappointment to find something so typical. It didn't excite him the way an unexpected citrus scent did. In that moment he couldn't ignore the lack of response he felt in this moment.

"We have practiced enough." He said, pulling her clinging body away. "Don't want to give anyone a reason to come looking for you."

"If they found us like this it would only serve to provide you with what you want, me as your wife."

"That's not how I would want a marriage between us to start." He smiled at the snort she gave. "When you decide to marry me I want you to be enthusiastic about it."

"Don't you mean if I accept you?"

"No, I meant when."

That confident boast made her laugh, with the soft bubbling sound he knew wasn't heard enough. Her hands still rested on his chest and one lifted to give him a playful pat. "Your arrogance is staggering, especially for a man who has been rejected more than once by me."

Even with his confidence that she would accept his proposal soon, he still needed to be careful she wasn't ruined in the meantime. Being caught with him would definitely be considered ruined even if nothing happened. The way she sighed made Thomas think that Lady Sarah was as reluctant as he was to part company.

"I see that he has managed to charm you after all."

The sound of Eloisa's voice came from behind him, where the ballroom waited. He felt Sarah's body stiffen under his hands and knew she was as caught off guard as he was. "I was simply trying to escape from the crush of the ballroom and His Grace kept me company. It wouldn't be safe to let me sneak off alone."

Sarah was a far better liar than her cousin but Thomas knew that story wasn't going to convince Eloisa they weren't doing something scandalous. The way he held her alone would be enough to ruin a reputation. Preparing himself for her angry reaction he turned to face her.

"I did my best to further my cause with Lady Sarah." He spoke in calm even tones. "You have every right to take me to task for risking her reputation."

The moments of silence stretched on as he waited for her to begin her tirade. The man he used to be would have left by now, refusing to be held accountable. Now he would accept his punishment.

"My cousin is more than capable of making her own decisions." Eloisa didn't sound angry, only resigned. "If she allowed you to lead her here it was with her full compliance. It's her reputation to risk if she wants."

That woman would never stop surprising him, even if he spent years around her. She should have been livid, but instead she wasn't even angry. It made him feel unsettled not knowing what to expect.

"It's not what it looks like..." He started to offer her some kind of meager excuse but it died on his lips as he realized he didn't like the idea of lying to her.

"More likely it is exactly what it looks like, but I'm not the one you should be trying to convince. Anyone from the ball could have stumbled across the two of you and they wouldn't give you a chance to explain."

"Has our absence been noticed?" Sarah asked.

"Not yet, but that is simply a stroke of luck." Eloisa began to sound impatient with them. "I think you two have been absent for long enough. If you return now, perhaps I can be the only one who knows how intimate your relationship has become."

"My cousin is right." Sarah pulled away from Thomas and he didn’t try to stop her. His focus was still on Eloisa. "We will have to continue this conversation at another time."

If he heard the flirtatious implication in her voice, then Eloisa did too. For such an innocent young lady, Sarah was enjoying the road to ruin. Leading her down it didn't hold the appeal he would have expected.

"You should stay here," Eloisa told him. "I will escort my cousin back, so it won't be suspicious. You can join the ball a few minutes later."

She sounded like she addressed one of the footmen, not a duke of his stature. He had no choice but to listen to her and follow her orders. It was the right move, but he didn't like being dismissed like that by her. She acted like he was an annoyance she was glad to be rid of. He was left alone to simmer over the swirl of his thoughts. 

Sarah's little experiment had shed light on a potential problem he hadn’t even considered when he started his pursuit. He never thought it might be difficult to desire a beautiful woman, but that was exactly where he was. Though he had managed to pretend they had passion well enough to fool Lady Sarah, it was not something he could continue through an entire lifetime of marriage. The idea didn't even sound appealing. Especially when he had such clear memories of being with a woman who did set fire to his body.  The woman he wanted might not be the one he planned on wanting.