Chapter 18

EVEN THOUGH HIS FACE felt like he had been trampled by a horse, Thomas had allowed his mother to guilt him into attending Lord Stanhope's ball. There would be a lot of influential people there who might consider it rude if he didn't attend.  He wouldn't mind, but his mother acted like it would be a disaster. Once again he gave in to the will of a woman.

All night he listened while people cheered him for his heroics and gave him sympathy for his injuries. Mostly, they were concerned with how his good looks might be at risk. His enjoyment of the attention lessened and he quickly became irritated with the entire scene. Before he lost his control and insulted the next person who tried to share their thoughts, Thomas decided to slip away for some much-needed quiet.

It wasn't difficult for him to find the doors that led into the quiet back parlor of the house. When he had been a different man, this had been a good hiding spot to sneak off to with a willing lady. Now he found it was also good for being alone. At least until he heard someone opening the inside door. Not wanting to be forced into more polite conversation, Thomas quickly stepped behind long draperies that flanked the backdoor where he wouldn't be seen.

"I can't believe you falling apart like this," said Eloisa.

At first Thomas waited to hear the response from the person she was with, but nothing came. The woman was talking to herself. That made him smile. Then he heard the sniffle and his smile vanished. She was here alone and crying. Instinct made him step out and announce himself.

"What are you doing out here? Sarah will be looking for you if you are gone too long," she said. "The second waltz is going to be played soon and all the guests are expecting you to dance with her again."

Thomas was taken back by the tone of her voice. She’d gone from crying to angry in a moment. "I was in here first, getting my thoughts together. You intruded on my solitude."

"I didn't know you were in here. I tried to find my way back out and got lost."

"Does that mean you would have gone somewhere else if you did?"

"Yes."

That stung his pride. "You were already crying, which means someone has upset you before me. Why am I always the one you blame?"

"I don't know, you just are." Once again her voice held the wobble of tears. "You are there every time I wish you weren't."

"Do you want me to go?" Even as he said it, Thomas knew there was nothing that could make him leave at that moment.

"No."

He sighed with relief and moved to stand closer to her. He knew he couldn't touch her, that in her delicate state she needed space. That didn't mean he wasn't torturing himself with thoughts of it.

"Want to tell me what has you so upset?" he asked.

"Memories. Just terrible memories I was reminded of by a man I despise."

"Lord Bittleby strikes again." It was easy for Thomas to guess who she was talking about. Someone needed to teach that boy better manners before he pushed Thomas too far. "You shouldn't let him get to you."

"It's not just him, but being here in this place and this moment. It reminded me of the last time I tried to impress people at a ball." Her voice got softer as she spoke. "It was the last ball of my failed season."

Thomas tried to remember if he had been in attendance at that ball, but nothing came to mind. Back then he didn't spend much time at things like this, because they were a waste. The only time he went to a ball was if he was in need of a new lady friend. That wasn't often enough to leave a memory.

"You weren't there and it wasn't here." Eloisa knew exactly what he thought.

"My mother wasn't as influential on me back then."

"Mine was. That was the one that she insisted we go to, even though I had been a miserable failure all season. She was convinced that one would be different."

It was the bitter tone in her voice that made Thomas reach out and brush her arm. She pulled away from him.

"My mother used every trick she knew to get the gentlemen to dance with me, but no one wanted the waltz. Those were for the pretty girls I guess." Eloisa sounded hurt and he wanted to help her.

"I hardly ever dance. I feel like it's too many steps to remember." That was the worst attempt to make her feel better.

"Of course you do. You just stand and wait for the world to twirl around you." She mocked him, but he didn't mind as long as it meant she wasn't crying anymore.

"One of the many things we suffer for polite society," he said.

His comment made her turn away with a sigh. Thomas could hear her ragged breathing as she tried to gain control of her emotions. When he touched her elbow with his hand he felt a tremble.

"At one point she found a respectable young man finally willing to take his turn with me. A third or fourth son of a lower title I believe. I still don't know how she pulled it off, but he asked for a waltz."

"Why do I think this story isn't going to have a happy ending?" Thomas’s jaw clenched at the thought of her tears again.

"My mother collapsed before the music started. It caused a big scene and Lady Harris accused her of doing it just to garner more attention for me."

"That's absurd. Someone doesn't fake an episode for popularity."

"The sympathy,” Eloisa said. “She claimed my mother did it for the sympathy."

"I hope your mother corrected that notion."

"She didn't have time." There was that sniffle again. "She died that same night. Doctor said it was the strain on her delicate heart."

There was a moment of silence as Thomas tried to think of the right words for a response. He had never been good at deeply emotional situations. Which is why he avoided them at all costs. A quick pat on the shoulder wasn't going to be enough here. Following the first thought he had, Thomas wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up tightly against his body. She was crying now, but so quietly he could only hear the hissing of air through her teeth.

"It wasn't your fault," Thomas whispered in her ear, holding her up to keep her from collapsing.

"It was the strain on her, the burden that killed her. I couldn't do the one thing I was raised for and find a husband," she said between sobs.

"It was not for lack of trying. Your mother was proud of you."

"You never even knew her."

"No, but I know you and that's enough."

He felt her body begin to relax, exhausted now and leaning into him for support. The warmth and softness were tempting him to go beyond friendly comfort. The sweet citrus scent of her was all around him now. His lips were so close to her neck that it would only take a turn of the head to taste her there. That was the thought that brought him back to where they were and forced him to let her loose.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."her voice stuttered. 

She was at a loss for words and he knew she was flustered with embarrassment from his abrupt actions. He could hardly explain to her that he had to let her go to avoid giving in to his lusty desires. That's wasn’t what a lady wanted to hear.

"Didn't you say that they would be starting the waltz soon?" said Thomas.

"Yes, I did. We should go outside so you can find Sarah."

He allowed her to lead him back out to the crowded garden, where people were clustered thickly around the dance floor. The sound of so many people assaulted his ears and made him wince. A few feet away he could hear the band starting to play the soft sounds of the waltz. A thought came to him and he pulled Eloisa toward the dance floor. He only had to follow the sound of the other dancers.

"What are you doing?" she hissed at him as he took her into his arms, beginning to twirl around the floor. "Sarah was supposed to be your partner."

"She was not close at hand."

"So I'm here because I was nearest?"

It would have been easy to yes and chuckle at the joke, but he knew that underneath the words she was still sore. "I wanted to dance with you."

Thomas had to work hard in order to keep them from getting too close to the other dancers. The fact that the woman he held captivated him didn't help. He had a living distraction moving along with him. It took all the focus he had to keep them moving safely in the right direction.

The music echoed around them and he heard the footsteps of the other dancers, but they were not as loud as the sound of his own beating heart. Holding her like this felt like he was inside a dream he’d had once and could never forget. The layers of rich fabrics they both wore meant nothing because it felt like they were skin to skin. In his mind they were alone and dancing in nothing but the excitement they shared.

Those thoughts were highly inappropriate in public and would only make it uncomfortable for him to keep dancing. Guessing from the way her pulse raced where their wrists touched, Eloisa had similar thoughts. At least as close as an innocent woman could. That idea made him smile.

The intimate nature of the waltz allowed him to feel every movement of her body, but she was not as relaxed as she should be. Her muscles felt like she was ready to run at any moment. He thought women all loved to dance, but the rigid tension in her body indicated Eloisa did not.

"Are you nervous?" asked Thomas.

"Everyone is watching us."

"People watch me all the time. You’ll get used to it."

"I'm not sure I want to." He felt her hand tighten in his hold.

"Then you shouldn't be so beautiful."

That made her laugh and the sound of it allowed him to breathe again. He realized how desperately he wanted her to find enjoyment in the moment.

"I could look like an upstairs maid for all you know," she said.

"I doubt that. I can feel the fine fabric of your dress and know that it is cut close to your body, which would be a nice sight to see."

"I think your hands have had too much liberty then."

The problem wasn't with his hands, but with his mind. "Maybe it is my imagination that brings to mind the lovely shape you have."

"Then your imagination exaggerates, because I don't have nearly the curves my cousin does," Eloisa said.

"She doesn't have your long legs."

"How do you know about my legs?"

Now it was his turn to laugh. "I like tall women and I know what is hidden beneath their skirts."

He wished he could see what color red her cheeks turned when she blushed. It would make her eyes sparkle.

"I think this is going to have everyone talking about us now," she said, changing the subject. "The rumors are already spreading through the room no doubt."

"I don't care about rumors."

"I do. It's my reputation that will be hurt. They will paint me as some kind of scheming poor relative working against Sarah."

"We both know that's not true."

There was a pause when there shouldn't be, it should have been a simple answer. "I shouldn't be dancing with you. It's not my place."

She used that tone again. The one that she used when she tried to convince herself as much as the other person. He didn't believe for a second she didn't want to be there dancing with him, but she didn't think she deserved it. Before he could find the right answer the music stopped and they were no longer alone in the moment.

Eloisa was in a hurry to leave the dance floor and Thomas could only keep up with her. She led them to where her cousin waited with his mother. Sarah was excited and the feeling was contagious. Thomas took his cane back from the servant he had holding it, giving him a sense of security again.

"That was a brilliant idea," said Sarah, giving him a pat on the arm. "No one would have expected to see you dancing with Eloisa. I thought Lady Harris was going to die of shock. Not that I would mind, after the hateful way she treated my cousin."

"Hope the poor old girl recovers."

"It was a kind thing you did."

There was a change in the tone of her voice. Sarah stood close to him, closer than what was appropriate. She slipped a hand into the crook of his arm and pulled him away from her parents.

"I think I might have been wrong about you. My first impression was based too much on rumors and not enough on truth."

"What kind of truth?" he asked.

"That you are a real gentleman, who knows how to judge a person by more than what can be seen on the surface."

"You mean your cousin."

"Exactly. She is such a beautiful person, but nobody else sees that but us. They can't get past her plain appearance."

Thomas knew that Sarah didn't intend for that to sound insulting but it did. Even her own cousin was wrong about her. That frustrated him to the point where his hand strangled his cane handle.

"I don't think she's plain, but I guess I'm not looking at the same person everyone else is," he said.

"I'm starting to reconsider my opinion of you. I might have been too hasty in the beginning."

That was the last thing that Thomas expected to hear that night. He knew that things had been going well and with Eloisa's help he had made progress, but this was a leap. It surprised him enough that he didn't have a proper response ready for her.

"I'm looking forward to your mother's ball." She leaned in to place a quick kiss on his cheek. "Things might be different by then. If you have been wanting to ask me something, that might be the perfect time."

Thomas stood there and listened for the sound of her skirts getting further away. He lifted a hand to touch the place she had kissed him and realized it felt cold to him. It made his stomach sink to know that he felt nothing but friendship for the woman who was supposed to become his wife.