Chapter 19

BEING A COWARD WAS not usually how Eloisa would describe herself, but as she stood alone in front of Thomas’s house in the middle of the night, she started to think it might be true. She had been staring at his front door for a long time, unable to bring her hand up to knock. It had been an easy task when she left her room, but now she was struck with fear. She didn't know how he might respond to her disturbing him while he slept. It might be better if she went back home and approached him later in the day, at a more respectable hour.

That night had been like something out of a dream. Dancing in the arms of one of London's most desirable men. Listening to him whisper how beautiful she was. These were things she never would have thought could be possible. Knowing that all of society would be watching, he still chose her to be seen with. It was a moment she was unable to forget.

Then, once they were home, Sarah announced she might be close to accepting his proposal and Eloisa felt like the world slipped out from underneath her. Sarah said there was something she couldn't explain holding her back, but Eloisa doubted that would last much longer.  It was what she had worked for, but she felt unprepared for the news.

All the pain it would cause to watch their engagement was too much, so Eloisa was going to have to leave once it was announced at the ball. This meant she would be leaving London a lot sooner, giving her only one chance to thank him before she was gone. This was the only way she could think of to be alone with him long enough to show her appreciation. It involved taking a hired hack to his house well past a decent hour and she was glad to have made it there safely.

When no response came, she knocked again. Then she knocked a third time. Frustrated, Eloisa wondered if anyone was home. Afraid she might lose her nerve, Eloisa tested the doorknob and found it unlocked. Knowing it was wrong, Eloisa slipped inside the house and silently went upstairs. It wasn't hard to guess which door led to his bedroom.

It took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the dim light cast into the room from the window. Quietly she snuck over to where he slept in the bed. She had never been in a man's room before and wondered if she should feel more embarrassment. Instead she was curious.

Thomas lay in the bed on his back with the blanket pulled up only to his waist. He wore no shirt, and she guessed he wore nothing beneath it. Even in his sleep the sleek muscles of his body appeared taut. Her hands itched to reach out and touch that golden skin. Continuing to gaze at him, she looked at his sleeping face. The soft lips were parted slightly while he slept soundly. Recognizing how vulnerable he was, she felt ashamed of herself for sneaking in. She had just turned to leave when his voice caught her attention.

"You know it's considered rude to stare."

When she looked at him again his eyes were still closed but there was a thin smile on his lips.

"I tried not to wake you." Eloisa wondered if she should move away from the bed. "You looked tired after this evening. I shouldn't have come here so late."

"You might have gotten away with sneaking in to my house if I wasn't such a light sleeper."

"Not everyone can sneak into bedrooms like you can."

She regretted reminding him of that once she saw the darkened look on his face. She would never have thought he would feel guilt over her feelings. This man was so much different from the heartless god he had been. Without thinking, she reached out to touch the tightened lines of his face. Abruptly he grasped her wrist and she gasped.

"You shouldn't have come here, but it's too late to turn back now." His voice was coarse as he stood, still not letting go of her hand.

Eloisa felt her heart begin to race as she realized that her real reason for coming to his house had nothing to do with thanking him. She had wanted something, something to remember after she was gone. She had been planning to be with him, even if she hadn't admitted it. Now it was too late to change her mind if she wanted to.

Slowly Thomas slid his hand down her arm until he reached her elbow. Then he was able to pull her closer to stand between his legs. Her hand was still stroking his face and now her other hand reached out to touch his bare chest. The skin was firm and warm beneath her fingers, she watched him close his eyes and for the first time felt the power of being a woman.

Compelled by her new found confidence, Eloisa moved closer. She could feel the heat of his bare body through both her nightgown and wrapper. It made her skin tingle. When the blanket fell to reveal more of his handsome body. She let her hand move from his face down to the expanse of his chest.

"Are you sure?" Thomas asked through clenched teeth.

"Yes."

That was all the encouragement he needed. Quickly his strong arms were wrapped around her, pulling her hand against his body. One hand reached up to pull her head down to his. Then he kissed her in a way she never thought possible. It was full of hunger and desperation. She could barely breath as he rolled her under him and onto the bed.

The weight of his body was heavy but not uncomfortable. The blanket and her clothes still formed a barrier between them. She didn't know what to do with her hands so she just let them fall to her sides on the bed. He pulled away then, propping up on his arms and focusing those blue eyes on her.

"I wish I could see you," he said. "I wish I could watch you experience this for the first time."

His confession brought a blush to her cheeks. "You could try to see me with your hand, like you did in the library."

His lips curled into a slow smile. He shifted to lie on his side beside her, allowing his hand to be free to reach for her. Her body trembled as he stroked from her neck, to her shoulder, to the neckline of her nightgown. Without asking permission, Thomas slipped his hand beneath the thin fabric to cup her breast. The feeling of his hand on her flesh brought another gasp from her.

"This would be easier if you were wearing less." Thomas pulled his hand back and she felt a sense of disappointment. She felt nervous as he removed her clothes and pulled her down to lie naked beside him.

His hand returned to her breast and she held her breath. His hand cupped the small weight of it and the thumb tormented her delicate nipple until it became tight. He felt satisfied with that response and his hand moved to get the same response from the other breast. Without thinking she arched her back to press more firmly into his hand. That got a chuckle from him.

His hand moved lower, sliding across the smooth skin of her belly. She was grateful now for her slim figure as he stroked each of her narrow hips. Then he moved to press his body on top of her again. Without anything between them, she could feel the hardness of his manhood pressing against her.

His mouth was on her again, first kissing her lips and then moving down her neck. His tongue slipped out to trace the line of her collarbone and she could no longer lie still. Her hands started exploring his arms and back without her conscious thought.

Thomas moved slowly, taking his time tasting her body. His mouth played with her hard nipples until a moan came from her. Then he looked up at her with a look of male arrogance.

He began kissing her again and then she felt his hand slip between them. Her legs were open to make room for him, but she was surprised when she felt his hands between them. One lone finger slipped into the folds of her body and found her wet. She wiggled as his finger stroked and circled her wetness, building tension inside her.

Before she could reach some unknown goal, he removed his hand and she felt his manhood replacing it. He pressed slowly, trying to give her tight body time to adjust to him. She felt him pause for a moment, then push through the barrier to bury himself within her. The sharp pain made her bite down on her own lip and she tasted blood.

"I'm sorry it hurt," he mumbled against her neck. "It's only like that once, I promise. The rest will make up for it."

She nodded against his cheek but doubted what he said was the truth. As her body stretched for him, she could only feel the pain of his intrusion. All the pleasure she had felt before was gone. She now only wished it would be over quickly.

Thomas began to move on top of her, sliding in and out of her body. Using her legs Eloisa encouraged him to move faster. Within a few minutes he grunted into the crook of her neck and fell against her. This must mean they were finished with it.

When Thomas rolled off of her Eloisa felt relieved that her body could now relax. She tried not to be disappointed by the ending. The beginning had been pleasant so she thought about that instead. Thomas pulled her up against his side ad she winced at the ache between her legs.

"Did you find pleasure, my dear?" he asked as he laid her head on his shoulder.

"Parts of it were nice."

"Which parts?"

"The ones where you were touching me with your hands." It embarrassed her to talk about such things.

"I already knew that. I meant after I had claimed you. Did you enjoy that part?"

"No, but that part didn't last long."

Something about what she said must have been wrong because he growled and rolled away from her. Confused, she reached to cover herself with the blanket.

"You were supposed to find that part the most enjoyable." Thomas ran his hand down his face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Eloisa didn't know what to say to make the situation better. She hadn't meant to upset him, especially after such an intimate act. She would have preferred he continue to hold her at least until she had to leave. Now she thought it might be better to leave immediately. She reached for her nightgown when he grabbed her hand to stop her.

"I can do better." He sounded determined. "I know I can do much better."

She started to protest, to tell him he didn't need to bother but he kissed her again before she could. The mating part had been uncomfortable but she did enjoy the kissing. Relaxing back into the bed she tried not to think about anything but the taste of him. She wasn't eager to endure the lovemaking again but his kisses made it worthwhile.

This time when his hand skimmed along the length of her body she knew what to expect and opened her legs for him. She moaned as his fingers explored her and began teasing her again. The tightness in her body returned, only this time he didn't stop. His finger kept circling her until the tension finally broke and she cried out into his mouth. After that she throbbed between her legs but no longer in an uncomfortable ways. She felt a tingle all over her body.

"Are you smiling now?" he pulled back to ask her.

"Yes, I can't seem to stop." Eloisa felt so much better than she had after mating.

She could feel that his manhood had grown hard again and wondered if he wanted to make love with her again. She was not as against the idea anymore since her body had been pleasured. In fact, she thought it might be more tolerable now that she felt so relaxed. Shifting her hips beneath him, she tried to urge him into her body.

"You might be too sore for that again." He wanted to be honorable and offer her a chance to stop, but she didn't want to. She shifted again to let him know what she wanted.

She felt him slide into her and for a moment it was sore, but not so much that she wanted to stop. This time he did not pump into her rapidly as he did before. His moves were slow and deliberate. He tilted her hips so she ground against him with each stroke. The special place that he had rubbed with his hands he now rubbed with his body. That felt even better.

As the friction built she began urging him to move faster. He did but still held back enough to maintain control. Then she felt her body shatter again. That was the final indicator he needed before he found his own release.

This time when she cuddled up next to him she smiled in a drowsy way and he didn't have to ask if she was pleased.

"I'm beginning to wonder if I had pleased any of the women I have been with."

"Did they act like you did?"

"Yes, but a woman can easily fake that kind of thing." He sounded upset by the idea. "I'm not sure I would have even known the difference with you if I hadn't asked."

"I would never be false about that."

"You mean when we do this again?"

She realized what she had implied and immediately regretted it. She would never need to fake anything because this was never going to happen again. He would marry Sarah and it was her pleasure he should be thinking about. That reminder was enough to snap her out of her relaxation. Slipping away from him, Eloisa began gathering her clothes.

Thomas remained still, stretched out on the bed. He remained in his naked glory while Eloisa went through the motions of getting redressed.

"You are eager to leave my company," said Thomas.

"I can't be found here by one of the servants." Eloisa tried to sound practical. “That would be impossible for you to explain.”

"So you are running away for my own good?"

"I'm not running anywhere. I'm simply being prudent and going back to where I belong." It was difficult to talk and dress herself without the help of a maid.

"I don't think you know where that is anymore."

Eloisa had wondered the same thing as she put her hair in place. Her dreams had always been simple and nothing she couldn't attain. Setting realistic goals meant she wouldn't be a disappointment to anyone. Wanting too much could break a woman's heart.

"We don't want to be caught in this situation, since one mistake could cost us everything." Her voice was firm.

"I don't think I like being considered a mistake."

"You're not a mistake but what happened between us was. I'm not the woman you want."

Though it was foolish, Eloisa waited for a moment at the door for him to deny the truth of what she said. When she looked back he was falling asleep, but not before muttering one last thing.

"I knew I could do better."