The view from the stage was breathtaking.
Alex led the See the Light cast through the Hammerstein Theater, which they’d be moving into after out-of-town previews. Although this was not Jeremy’s first time on a Broadway stage, there was something magic about being led onto it as the star of the show.
“I’m still working with the set designers on a final plan,” Alex said, “but this stage has a turntable, so we might use it for the school scenes to show walking down the hallway. I’m thinking we might be able to do something with projected images.”
The theater was still under renovation. There was scaffolding under every balcony and plastic covers over the seats, and even now, there were workers atop the tall structures, working to restore the decorative elements on the ceiling. It was an old theater, one of the first built in Times Square, and it had seen better days. It had recently been bought by a major theater syndicate after decades of neglect; the organization had promised to restore it to its original splendor.
“I just wanted to give you all the opportunity to see some of what we’re planning. I’m hoping we’ll have sets built by Monday so we can do a couple of run-throughs before we go up to Boston.”
“Boston?” asked Trevor, who played Dan, the school bully. In the real world, Trevor was one of the sweetest guys Jeremy had ever met.
Alex looked at everyone in turn. “Oh, did I not tell you? We’re doing previews in Boston. Last two weeks of this month.”
Jeremy already knew that, but he couldn’t remember if he knew because Max’s studio was planning to do the makeup or because someone on the See the Light staff had told him.
But either way, they’d be heading out of town very soon. It meant they had about a week to get the show into some kind of working order, although they still hadn’t done a straight run-through of the production yet.
They were nearly two weeks into rehearsals, and Jeremy knew all of his songs pretty well, but he didn’t have all of his lines completely. They still practiced in a studio with piano accompaniment, and Jeremy knew the first rehearsal with the full orchestra would throw everyone off, because it always did. Although they’d rehearsed every scene at least twice, they’d never done them in the correct sequence; they’d focused instead on the songs and scenes for which they made the most mistakes performing.
It would all come together, because it had to, but it was hard not to feel the pressure of that.
“I think some of the set pieces are backstage,” Alex said. “Trevor and...Arnie. Why don’t you guys come with me and see what we can find. The rest of you just chill here for a few minutes.”
While the members of the cast who clearly made the most of their gym memberships followed Alex, Jeremy sat on the edge of the stage. Keenan followed a moment later, letting his feet dangle over the edge.
“How are things?” Keenan asked.
This seemed to be a thing they were doing, getting to know each other to filter out some of the awkwardness so as to more convincingly play love interests onstage.
“Pretty great, actually. I’m nervous about all this coming together, of course, but everything else in my life is going pretty darn well, considering.”
“Considering what?” Keenan tilted his head.
Jeremy couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested or just trying to make small talk. “Oh, well, I went through a bad breakup about a month ago. Right before I got cast for this, actually.”
“Oh, that sucks.”
“For the best. Everything kind of unraveled in the last six months. But we were living together, and that made everything worse.”
Keenan groaned sympathetically. “That happened to a friend of mine. They kept living together for eight months. My friend couldn’t find another apartment.”
“This real estate market, man. I moved out as soon as Ryan dumped me, but I haven’t been able to find a new place, either. I’ve been staying with a friend of mine, who I’m apparently now hooking up with.”
Keenan laughed. “That sounds complicated.”
“Yeah.” It sounded more complicated than it felt—being with Max felt like the easiest, most natural thing in the world—but he supposed it would sound a little crazy to someone who didn’t know the whole history of Max and Jeremy.
“I just got engaged three months ago. We’ve been living in Queens, but I want to move closer to Manhattan. So we’ve been apartment hunting, but everything is so expensive.”
“Is your fiancé a normal?”
Keenan barked out a laugh. “If by ‘a normal’ you mean ‘not an actor,’ then yes. He’s an editor at a publishing company.”
“Oh, neat. What sorts of books does he edit?”
They made small talk for a few minutes, and Jeremy relaxed a little, which was good. The easier they were with each other, the better their scenes would be. Then Alex returned with several actors and stagehands rolling set pieces on large dollies onto the stage.
“Just for fun, let’s do the Act 1 finale,” Alex said. “I know the stage doesn’t have marks yet, but you can guess about where you should go.”
They ran through the scene with no musical accompaniment, so the whole thing was a little flat to Jeremy’s ears, but there was still something thrilling about being on the stage.
Later, on the subway ride back to Brooklyn, Jeremy pulled out a book to read, but he spent most of the ride daydreaming about Max.
They’d been sleeping together all of five days and hadn’t had penetrative sex yet. Jeremy had thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, but he could sense that Max was still holding back some. He wasn’t completely sure why, but he didn’t want to push Max too hard, either. All he knew was that he wanted a relationship with Max, and he was willing to wait for Max to work out whatever was bothering him.
Jeremy’s train went above ground, and his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out. Ryan’s name appeared at the top of the message, and Jeremy suppressed a groan. How had he not taken Ryan out of his phone contacts yet?
Can we get coffee?
“Why?” Jeremy asked aloud. A few people turned to look at him.
He took a deep breath and texted Ryan back. Is everything ok?
Just had something I wanted to talk over with you. Easier in person.
Jeremy didn’t know what to do with that. What are you doing now?
I’m home.
Jeremy closed his eyes. Better to rip off the Band-Aid. I can be at Java Joe’s in twenty.
See you there.
He had a sinking feeling about this meeting. When the train got to Atlantic, he transferred instead of getting out to head to Max’s apartment and kept going deeper into Brooklyn to meet Ryan at what used to be their favorite coffee shop near their apartment. Near Ryan’s apartment now.
What could Ryan even want? Jeremy had to know that more than anything else. He certainly didn’t want to see Ryan. He was still firmly planted in the anger stage of grief, mad at Ryan for cheating and throwing him out of the apartment. All Jeremy wanted now was a meal and a bed; he was tired and hungry and cranky after a long day of rehearsals, no matter how well it had gone. He wanted to see Max, who was on his mind almost nonstop. But Ryan needed to talk to him, so he sat on a rattling train toward his old neighborhood. Ryan had better at least buy the coffee.
Jeremy wasn’t home when Max got there, for the first time in a week. The surprise gave Max a brief moment in which he wondered if something bad had happened. Then he sighed and told himself to calm down. He didn’t own Jeremy; Jeremy was entitled to his own life. Likely he’d gotten stuck at rehearsal late or had gone out for drinks with some costars or met up with one of his other friends. He didn’t owe Max an accounting of his whereabouts.
Max was eating leftover Thai food in front of the TV when Jeremy did walk in, looking tired and irritated.
“Everything okay?” Max asked.
Jeremy slid his bag off his shoulder and left it in the hall. As he walked into the living room, he pressed his lips together. “Ryan texted me this afternoon.”
Oh no. “What did he want?”
Jeremy walked over to the chair near the TV and dropped into it heavily. “He asked me to coffee so that he could tell me what a terrible mistake he made.”
A shot of anger ran through him like fire. “Terrible mistake? Which part? Cheating on you? Dumping you? Making you move out of his house?”
“All of the above, actually.”
Max grunted in disgust. He expected Jeremy to agree with him, but instead, Jeremy just sat there, staring at the coffee table.
Now his stomach churned. “You’re not thinking about going back to him, are you?”
“No. Definitely not. First of all, the real reason we broke up is that he’s terrible about communicating, so much so that he cheated on me rather than having a real conversation with me about what was wrong in our relationship. He didn’t cheat on me because he wanted to have sex with other men, he cheated on me because there was something wrong in our relationship and he wanted to drop a bomb in it. That’s... It’s not healthy or productive. Not to mention, he gave me two fucking days to clear out of an apartment I’ve lived in for two years. During audition season. I’ll never forgive him for being so fucking selfish.”
That was a relief. Max was glad to hear the anger in Jeremy’s tone. Maybe he was moving on from Ryan.
“Second of all,” Jeremy said, “he just broke up with the guy he started dating right after he kicked me out, so I’m pretty sure he only wants me back because he’s feeling alone again.”
“Selfish bastard,” Max said, playing along. He felt somewhat relieved that Jeremy wasn’t eager to be back with Ryan, but didn’t trust himself to say much.
“And third of all, I’m with you now. Aren’t I?” He looked up and met Max’s gaze.
“Yeah,” Max said, though he wasn’t sure about that. They hadn’t really talked about what their relationship status was. Not that Max was itching for that discussion; they’d been together a few days and were still feeling each other out.
“So, no, I don’t want to get back with Ryan.”
“Would you if you weren’t with me?”
“Huh?” Jeremy leaned back on the sofa and rested his head against the back of it.
“If you weren’t with me, would you go back to Ryan?”
“No. Like I said, I haven’t forgiven him.”
“But you loved him at some point in the past, didn’t you? Is it so easy to change your feelings?”
Because Max had been in love with Jeremy for a long time, and no amount of trying to talk himself out of it or dating other people had ever really dampened that love. Things between Jeremy and Ryan had been good at some point in their past, enough that they spent three years as a couple, and the breakup had been so abrupt that some part of Jeremy must have still had lingering feelings.
“It doesn’t matter,” Jeremy said. “I don’t have time to stay in a bad relationship. And I see that now. Doesn’t matter how we felt about each other, we were mismatched, and also, he did cheat on me. A lot. I haven’t forgiven him for that, either.”
It wasn’t a no, which nagged at Max. But he said, “Good. Don’t go back to him.”
Jeremy smiled ruefully. “I mean, it’s complicated and upsetting. I’m mad at Ryan. And confused. And frustrated. And I hate that he texted me today, and I hate that I agreed to see him, and I can’t believe he would ask for me back and think that I would ever even consider...but it doesn’t matter. I’m not taking him back.”
That niggling bit of doubt—the one that told Max the sexual component of his relationship with Jeremy was Jeremy on the rebound—was like someone shouting in Max’s ear now. But he just nodded.
“You need anything?” Max asked. “You want to shout some more? You want me to order something for you for dinner? You want a beer? Or five?”
Jeremy’s smile grew genuine then. “Thanks, Max. You’re the best. A beer would be awesome, but I can get it. Don’t get up.”
Jeremy went into the kitchen, and after a few minutes of banging around, he returned with a beer and a bowl of cereal. He sat next to Max on the sofa and dug into his cereal. “I stress ate, like, three donuts at the coffee shop. I’m not super hungry.”
“Okay. Your green curry from the other night is still in there. There’s instant rice in the cabinet if you need more.”
“No, this is good. Gotta maintain my figure.” Jeremy winked. “Alex, the director, told me I should think about putting in a few extra minutes at the gym.”
Max scoffed. That seemed rude. “Has he looked at you? You have a six pack.”
“And I’ve already been fitted for my costumes, so I can’t lose any weight anyway. But donuts aren’t part of the actor diet. They just looked really tasty, and Ryan was late.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jeremy shoveled several spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth and said, “It’s fine. I told Ryan I would never take him back and didn’t want to hear from him for at least a few months, then I left the coffee shop and came straight here. Guess I’m still a little rattled.”
“What happens in a few months?” Max was trying not to let every worst-case scenario play out in his head, but suddenly he imagined Jeremy regretting everything he’d done with Max and going back to a recalcitrant Ryan, the man Jeremy really wanted.
“Nothing. See the Light will be out of previews by then, so my life will have a modicum less stress, but also isn’t that the rule? If Ryan wants to still be friends, I guess I’m okay with that, but I need some distance before we can try. At least three months. That’s what all the advice columns say.”
Max laughed, mostly at how absurd all this was. “You read advice columns?”
“I sit around a lot at rehearsals.”
Max took a few more bites of his noodles and watched Jeremy finish off his bowl of cereal. Jeremy picked up his beer and took a healthy sip. Max tried to take comfort in the fact that Jeremy was here, sitting beside him, and not with Ryan, right now.
“There’s a thing on PBS I want to watch at eight, if that’s okay,” Jeremy said.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” Max said. “I might go to Frocks. Anthony texted me a little while ago to ask for my help with makeup.”
“Cool.” Jeremy leaned back on the sofa and took another sip of his beer. “Speaking of people we used to fuck, you’re not ever going back to Anthony, are you? I mean, I get that you’re friends and I like him a lot, but you’re not going to hook up or anything, right?”
“No.”
“But you did sleep together.” Jeremy’s gaze was a little intense, like the answer to the unasked question was something he needed to know.
“Yeah. I mean, we dated for a few months, but we’re better as just friends.” Max wasn’t comfortable talking about his relationship with Anthony and didn’t want to get into all the ways he had wanted for things to work out—his life would have been so much simpler—but he settled on, “He’s a great friend and I like him a lot but I’m not interested in Anthony romantically anymore.”
“But you are interested in me.”
“Yes. I can tell Anthony I can’t make it tonight if you’d rather hang out.”
Jeremy shook his head. “No, go out. I’m just being stupid. I think I’d rather wallow in my feelings for a bit. I’ll watch public television and drink more beer and I’ll be fine. Go make Anthony look fabulous.”
Max nodded. “All right.” He paused, trying to read between the lines of what Jeremy had just said. “You’re not jealous, are you?”
“No. Well, maybe a little. He got to have you before I did.”
Their gazes met again. If only Jeremy knew the real reason Anthony had ended things. Max was touched by Jeremy’s jealousy, but his stomach churned a little anyway. Nothing here was as straightforward as it seemed. It wasn’t like a man could turn his feelings on and off. Max still had some affection for Anthony, even if their romance had been doomed, and he was certain Jeremy was still processing his feelings for Ryan. Not to mention the fact that there was still a chance that in a few months, Ryan could grovel and Jeremy could decide he forgave everything. Unlikely but still a possibility.
Max cleared his throat. “That doesn’t matter if you have me now.”
Jeremy smiled. “True. Nothing that happened before this week matters.”
But Max knew better. He picked up his dishes and stood. “You have nothing to worry about where Anthony is concerned. But are you sure you don’t want me to stay tonight?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Go. Make Anthony look fabulous. Say hello for me.”
Max nodded and headed for the kitchen. “I will. Text me if you need anything.”
“I’ll be fine, Max, really. I just want a little time to think things over.”
Which was exactly what Max was afraid of.