“Okay,” Jeremy said when he came home after a long day of rehearsals. “I leave for Boston in three days. I still have to pack. I’m totally not freaking out.”
Max laughed. “I ordered Chinese.”
“Bless you. I’m starving.”
“And freaking out.”
“So freaking out. We finally did a full run-through of the show today, and it was kind of a disaster. Everybody fucked up their cues, Alex yelled at us a whole lot, and Maggie has a lovely voice but I’m not completely sure she knows what a G major key is supposed to sound like, because she’s always a little flat. But, you know.” Jeremy slid into the kitchen, where Max was setting out plastic containers full of veggies and noodles and things. “Everything’s fine.”
“There’s wine, too. The liquor store on the corner had a sign out front that they were doing a tasting. I passed it on the way home. So I stopped in and bought a bottle of Riesling. It’s in the fridge.”
“You are the best, Max.” Jeremy leaned over and gave Max a peck on the cheek, enormously grateful. He grabbed a plate from the cabinet and piled it high.
“So, ah, I do have to tell you something.” Max’s voice shook with nerves.
Jeremy nodded, trying to keep his worry at bay. Things between them were good but weird, and if Max was nervous about what he had to say, it seemed likely to be about them. Jeremy was still adjusting to the fact that they were in a relationship, whatever form it was taking. “Should I sit down?”
“Oh.” Max’s gaze traveled from the food on the counter to Jeremy’s plate to the living room. “Oh, yeah, settle in. Sit down. Eat. I’ll be there in a sec.”
Warily, Jeremy walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. He waited until Max sat beside him before opening his mouth.
“So...”
“I got a call from Regina Morris today about the See the Light makeup. She wants me to come to the rehearsal tomorrow to do a trial.”
“Oh. Is that all you had to tell me?” Feeling a little relieved, Jeremy forked some noodles into his mouth. “Oh, wait, does this mean you’re coming to Boston with me?”
“Well. I’m not sure yet.”
“You have to. Oh, my god, Max, it will be so much fun having you there. And you have to see this show. Whenever we do put it all together, it’s going to be so good.”
Max stared at his plate. “So, here’s the thing.”
Jeremy groaned. “No. No things. Just come, Max.”
“Well, I finally got the green light for my designs for the other show I’ve been wanting to work on.”
“The fantasy musical? You got it? Congratulations! I knew you’d get it.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I’m excited about it.”
“When did you get the news?”
“This morning. I mean, I knew I’d get there eventually based on how the producers have been responding to my mock-ups, but the final designs were approved today, so it’s official.”
“That’s so cool.” But Max’s tone was not enthusiastic, which made Jeremy worry about where this was going.
Max bit his lip, but then looked up at Jeremy. “Yeah, it is cool. And, like, if you weren’t in See the Light, this decision would be a no-brainer. The makeup for your show is pretty standard; we just have to make the cast look younger, and most of my staff can do that in their sleep. Sword of Dawn is a high profile, big budget show, it’s far more challenging, and it could make or break my studio. We do this well, we might start getting bigger commissions. That’s what I should be working on. The fact that I’m even considering Boston should tell you how much you being in the show is affecting my thought process.”
“Oh.” Jeremy sat back. “God, I’m sorry. You’re right, of course. I selfishly want you with me, but the fantasy show is an important opportunity. I didn’t realize our productions overlapped.”
“That’s what I’ve been doing in the office for the last two weeks. Mock-ups and masks and costume design and all kind of stuff. It’s a ton of work, but I think the payoff will be amazing.”
How could Jeremy have been so selfish? He hadn’t known about any of this. He knew Max was working on Sword of Dawn and that it was an elaborate project, but Max hadn’t talked about it much.
Had Jeremy kept him from talking about it?
“Am I the most self-centered person in the world?”
“No,” Max said. “You know that if I didn’t have this show pulling at me, I’d go with you to Boston in a heartbeat. But I’m leaning toward sending Daphne. You’d be in good hands.”
“I know. Just...it would have been fun to work together again.”
“We still might when the show is back in New York. I’m going to have to shift staff around because we’re also doing a show at the Public starting in mid-June.”
Jeremy hadn’t known that Max had so much work. “You guys are busy. I had no idea.”
Max shot Jeremy a half smile “Gotta pay rent on this shoebox.” He gestured around the room.
“Now I feel like an asshole for begging you to come.”
Max closed his eyes like he was gathering his thoughts, but he shook his head.
“It’s okay, you know. To tell me I’m being an asshole.”
“When have I ever—”
“You don’t ever. That’s what I’m saying. If I’m being obnoxious, I want you to tell me.”
“You’re fine. I think it’s sweet that you wanted me to come to Boston.”
“I still think it would be fun, but I understand why you need to stay here. It’ll suck being separated for so long.”
“I know. And really, I’m not offended or anything. You’re not an asshole. I’m just saying, I gave Boston some consideration, but I think it’s better career-wise to stay here and nail the concepts for Sword of Dawn, and I hate to disappoint you.”
“Max, it’s fine.”
Max let out a breath and stared at his plate. Perhaps Jeremy had irritated him.
Max had always been sweet and a bit deferential to Jeremy. And Jeremy could be a snowplow sometimes, barreling into a situation without thinking about how it affected people. He knew that about himself.
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said.
“Really, it’s fine.”
“You seem annoyed. Are you annoyed? You can tell me.”
“No. I’m not annoyed, I’m just tired.”
“Is that it?”
Jeremy didn’t believe Max, but Max smiled and said, “Eat before it gets cold.”
Max half watched television and half listened to Jeremy in the bathroom, belting out “I’m Still Here” in the shower.
The honest truth was that Max doubted everything. He’d been thinking about the Boston trip all day. The timing was terrible. His goblin masks were nearly done, but he still had fittings to handle. Jennifer, the costume designer, wanted his input on the dragons. He could appoint his employees to handle the Sword of Dawn job so he could run off to Boston with Jeremy and the cast of See the Light, but the responsible thing to do would be to oversee the Sword of Dawn makeup himself and send Daphne and Nikki to Boston.
And that was only one thing that had his whole stomach in knots tonight. Jeremy telling Max he could speak up when Jeremy was being an asshole...it wasn’t something Max had ever been good at, and Jeremy seemed to know that. But Max had gotten frustrated when Jeremy had insisted he come to Boston.
And even then, what did they even mean to each other? They were friends. They’d fucked a few times. They were friends who fucked. Were they boyfriends, lovers, in a real relationship? Jeremy had said that was what he wanted, but...
Well, Max was back at square one.
It wasn’t healthy what he was doing. He loved and appreciated everything about Jeremy, but he’d never been able to tell Jeremy when he was being hurtful. Their relationship had endured so much, and yet Max still treated it like it was fragile, so careful not to let Jeremy know how he really felt, and he was having a hell of a time breaking those old habits. He knew he could be honest with Jeremy. He should be honest.
He would need the time away from Jeremy when Jeremy went to Boston. It hit him suddenly that their being apart might actually be a good thing. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed every moment of their new relationship, but he had to get his head screwed on straight.
Jeremy started singing, “Ladies Who Lunch,” so apparently it was Sondheim night in the shower.
A few minutes later, Jeremy left the bathroom wearing only a towel, which might have given Max a heart attack if he weren’t already so nervous about what he needed to say.
“I need to say something.”
“Sure, what’s going on?”
Max patted the cushion beside him on the sofa. Jeremy sat, and adjusted the towel to cover everything vital.
“I’m having some doubts,” Max said. “About us. And it has nothing to do with how I feel about you and everything to do with how busy we are and how new this is and how much I value you and want you in my life. And I’ve been afraid of saying the wrong thing all week, and I hate that I feel so paranoid. Because I should be able to be honest with you, and I want to be honest, and god, none of this is your fault. It’s me and my own garbage and I have to...” He trailed off, upset now that he’d said so much.
“You can be honest with me, Max.”
“I was afraid to tell you I wasn’t going to Boston.”
A little groove appeared above Jeremy’s nose. “Why?”
Max’s eyes stung. He hated this, hated talking about his feelings, hated having to confront everything head on. “I’m worried about losing you.”
“You won’t.” Jeremy spoke with conviction. He reached over and took Max’s hand. “It’s totally fine. I understand why you can’t come.”
“It’s not even that. There’s so much going on right now, and I feel like my emotions have been through a blender in the last two weeks.”
“Max. You’re my best friend in the world. You and I have something special. I’m not going anywhere. Well, figuratively. I’m only physically here until I leave for Boston. And don’t come with me, do what’s best for your career. I’ll be back after previews and you’ll be sick of having me on your sofa again in no time.”
“You don’t sleep on my sofa anymore.”
Jeremy grinned. “You know what I mean.” He took a deep breath. “Max, it’s okay to have doubts. This thing between us is really new, and we’re still feeling each other out a bit.”
“I just...you said I should call you on being an asshole, and I don’t think you’re anywhere near being an asshole, but I felt like I should be honest.”
“Thank you for your honesty.” Jeremy leaned over and pecked Max on the lips. “Please always be honest with me.”
Max knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. But then Jeremy was kissing him and he forgot his own name for a bit.
Max reached out his hand to put it on Jeremy’s hip and collided with the towel. “I can’t help but notice that you’re almost naked.”
Jeremy smiled against Max’s lips. “You want to do something about that?”
“Very much so.”
Jeremy pulled off the towel and dropped it on the floor.