The climax of See the Light culminated in a kiss between Benjamin and his love interest. As written, it was a beautiful scene, but Jeremy hadn’t kissed anyone onstage since high school. Even then, that had been a quick peck on Becky O’Malley’s dry lips at the end of the school’s production of Grease, in which Jeremy had starred as Danny Zucco. This kiss was significantly different for two reasons: it was on a Broadway stage, and he’d be kissing a man.
He had no objection to kissing men, and Keenan was so completely adorable that kissing him would be no hardship. Whatever awkwardness existed at their first meeting had mostly melted away after three days of rehearsals. But this was a kiss he had to sell, and he felt the pressure of making a gay kiss on a Broadway stage good.
He needed a stronger grasp on the moment. He needed to go into rehearsals the next day with a clear plan for how to handle the scene. He needed to practice without really practicing.
He was sitting on the sofa contemplating this problem when Max walked out of his bedroom wearing pajamas. Oblivious to Jeremy, he walked down the short hall to the bathroom, and while he was in there, Jeremy got an idea.
When Max returned, Jeremy said, “Hey, Max, can you read lines with me?”
They’d done it all the time when they’d lived together in college and after. Max had helped Jeremy prep for auditions or run lines before a performance hundreds of time. It had been so common that he hadn’t thought much of the request, but Max hesitated before he said, “Okay.”
“Is that a problem?”
“No, I can do it. Sorry, my head was somewhere else.” He smiled. “Lines, sure. I’ve got you.”
Max grabbed a soda from the fridge and walked over to the sofa. After he sat, Jeremy handed him the script.
“What’s the scene?” Max asked.
“Okay, don’t hate me.”
Max frowned. “Why would I—”
“It’s the climax of the show. I’ll tell you, but any details from the show don’t leave this room.”
“Lips are sealed.” Max mimed a zipping motion over his lips.
Jeremy stared at those lips for a long moment. He hadn’t thought this through. This had been an impulse, but now he realized that what he’d actually orchestrated was kissing Max. That they would read the lines leading up to the kiss, and then Jeremy would...well, he’d kiss Max. It was a good idea to get used to performance kissing a man, but was it a good idea to ask Max to do this?
On the one hand, he was curious about what kissing Max would be like.
But was it crossing a line? Was a kiss a friendship Rubicon? Would things be weird between them after?
No. Jeremy and Max had been friends most of their lives, and Max knew theater as well as any actor. He knew what a show like this involved. It was acting. Max would know that Jeremy wasn’t kissing Max because he wanted to kiss Max, he was kissing Max because the play required it.
Or that was how Jeremy tried to rationalize it.
“Okay, full disclosure,” Jeremy said.
Max looked up from the script warily. “What is it?”
“So, the crisis in the first act is a school shooting.”
“Jesus.” Max’s eyes went wide.
“That’s the part you can’t tell anyone about. It’s supposed to be a shock to the audience.”
“Okay.” Max tilted his head. He sounded uneasy.
Might as well rip off the Band-Aid. “In Act 2, the kids from the school go to the state capital to argue for a certain bill to be passed. The climax of the show is kind of two-pronged. The bill passes, and then my character, Benjamin, and his love interest, Austin, confess their feelings for each other. Benjamin is newly out of the closet, remember.”
Max got a look on his face that Jeremy recognized as Max’s “I know where this is going and I’m not sure I approve” face. It was one he gave to Jeremy with some regularity. “What are you disclosing fully?”
“So, ah, Benjamin and Austin confess their feelings to each other, and then they kiss.”
“They...kiss.”
“See, the thing I’m freaking out about is that I’ll have to kiss a man onstage, for God and my parents and everyone to see, and I’m so worried about getting it wrong.”
Max tilted his head. His body language implied something in him had malfunctioned. He stared at Jeremy with a blank expression that morphed into something like bewilderment. “You’ve kissed plenty of men before.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeremy didn’t care for the judgmental note in Max’s tone.
“Nothing. It was a statement of fact. You’ve kissed men before.”
“Never onstage.”
“You’re freaking out about that?”
Jeremy let out a breath. Max wasn’t usually this weird about his requests, although it was certainly true that Jeremy had never asked to kiss Max before. “Well, yeah. It feels important, you know? Gay love stories like this are so rare, and it has to be right. I have to make it look realistic.”
“Is there something to kissing a man that I don’t know about?”
Was Max joking? That seemed like a good sign. Jeremy sighed. “I just need to get my head around what it will be like before I have to kiss Keenan in rehearsal tomorrow.”
“Keenan?”
“Actor playing Austin.”
Max paled, then he nodded and looked at the script in his hands. “So you want me to play Austin and we’ll do the scene and then you’ll kiss me.”
Jeremy couldn’t read Max’s tone. “That’s about the sum of it, yeah.” He realized how insane it sounded then. “I could really use your help, but not if it will make things weird with us. Will it make things weird with us?”
Of course it would make things weird. Of course it would. Because Max had been, was now, and would always be in love with Jeremy. And here Jeremy was, asking Max to kiss him, but only because Max was here while Jeremy was freaking out.
And yet, something inside Max kept protesting, screaming out that this might be his only opportunity to kiss Jeremy, and considering how long he’d wanted to, it seemed ridiculous to say no, even if it didn’t really mean anything.
Jeremy stared at him expectantly, and Max knew he had to answer. “Uh...no. It’s okay. Let’s just give it a shot.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I want to help you.”
Jeremy nodded. “You’re the best friend a guy could have, you know that? You’ve given me so much the last couple of weeks. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”
“I’m happy to do it. You know that.”
Jeremy pressed his lips together and nodded. “Let’s do the scene. Start on page a hundred and twenty-eight. See where I’ve drawn the asterisk?”
“Yeah. Okay. Go.”
Jeremy took a deep breath, then did something with his face that, oddly, made him look younger. His expression was wide-eyed and earnest. “‘I can’t believe all this has happened.’”
“‘I know. Ben, I need to tell you something.’”
“‘Of course. You can tell me anything.’”
“‘I...I feel inspired. By what happened today. By you.’”
“‘Me? But I didn’t have anything to do with—I mean, it was all Julie’s idea, and I just—’”
“‘You fought beside her because you’re a good friend.’” Max’s voice snagged on that line, but he cleared his throat and soldiered on. “‘But that’s not why, not entirely. You inspire me because you’re just...you.’”
“‘Me? I’m not anyone. I’m just some gay kid in the suburbs.’”
“‘Exactly. You’re fearless. You live your life by being just exactly who you are. That inspires me.’”
The stage directions indicated that Austin should lean closer to Benjamin, so Max leaned forward a little. Jeremy’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, then he opened them but gazed at Max’s lips. Max’s breath caught in his throat.
Jeremy said softly, nearly in a whisper, “‘You’re pretty great, too, you know. I should have told you sooner, but I have such a crush on you.’”
Max stared at Jeremy’s lips, then shifted his gaze up to Jeremy’s eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment, and Max’s pulse kicked up. It couldn’t be...he couldn’t possibly see what he wanted to see there. It was just Jeremy acting. He forced himself to look at the script so he could read the next line. “‘Why sooner?’”
“‘Think of all the time we’ve wasted.’”
“‘But think of how much we have ahead of us.’”
The stage direction read: They kiss. That was suddenly all Max could see on the page. He took a deep breath and looked at Jeremy. Their eyes met.
Then Jeremy kissed him.
Max knew it was coming and his heart pounded in anticipation, but then it was happening. Jeremy’s lips were pressed against his. Max closed his eyes and leaned into it. He had to. Jeremy was right here, and Max had wanted this for so long, so he grabbed the front of Jeremy’s T-shirt to hold him close, then he parted his lips and pressed his tongue against Jeremy’s mouth.
Jeremy opened his mouth and licked out his tongue, and the kiss deepened. Probably the kiss in the play wasn’t supposed to be this long or intense, but probably Max didn’t care.
One of them groaned—Max didn’t know who—and then Jeremy pressed closer, hooking his hand around the back of Max’s head. He nipped at Max’s lower lip before pressing harder for a deeper kiss again.
Was this even happening?
It must have been, because Max pressed his hands against Jeremy’s chest and felt his corporeal presence, felt his nipples get hard through the thin fabric of his T-shirt, and felt his chest vibrate as he groaned.
Max never wanted this kiss to end.
Though it did, as all things must. With a sigh that feathered across Max’s lips, Jeremy pulled away. “That was...not what I expected.”
“No?”
“No, I... I mean, according to the script, next I break into this big triumphant ballad called ‘Anything,’ and, like, I’m sure when I kiss Keenan it will be much briefer. But...god, Max, that was incredible. Can I...”
Jeremy didn’t complete the thought. Instead he hooked his hand around Max’s head and kissed him again.
It was perfect and lovely and Jeremy tasted a little like mint, and his lips were surprisingly soft, and so was his hair. Kissing him made Max’s whole body tingle, made his heart soar, made him want things he shouldn’t want. This was so good, so easy, so perfect just in this tiny moment. It was the sort of kiss that made a man want things, expect things, want to know intimate things.
When Jeremy pulled away again, though, Max tried to remind himself not to hope. That this was a fluke. That there was proximity, but no future here.
Jeremy touched his lips, looking surprised. “We just kissed.”
“I know. I was there.”
“Are we...” Jeremy shook his head. “I liked kissing you.”
Not knowing what else to say—it seemed like the wrong time to mention his enduring love for Jeremy—Max said, “I liked kissing you, too.”
“Max, I...” Jeremy reached over and took Max’s hand. “There’s a song in the show that Benjamin sings to Austin when he first realizes his feelings, called ‘Something Real,’ and I recognize that it’s part of the show and not what’s actually happening here, but when we kissed just now, I kept thinking that there was something real between us.”
“We’ve been friends a long time.”
But before Max could explain that their friendship meant they felt close to each other, Jeremy said, “Right, of course. We don’t want to risk anything.”
Max was set to just shrug and agree when suddenly Anthony was in his head, telling him he should go for it, because he would never have an opportunity like this. “No, I meant that...good god, Jeremy.” He laughed, nervous now, but excited, too. “I have such a crush on you. Maybe I should have told you sooner.”
“Are you joking?”
“No. Not at all. And I know the timing isn’t great, because you’re still getting over Ryan and you have to focus on this show and everything, so I didn’t want to say anything, but if we’re going to make out on my sofa in the interest of practicing for your show, I should tell you...there kind of is something real between us. At least on my end.” There. It was all out there. Max’s heart pounded as he waited for Jeremy’s response, but he didn’t regret it, either. Maybe the kiss itself had given him some confidence he hadn’t had before. Maybe he was just tired of keeping his feelings bottled up. Whatever it was, there was something cathartic about finally speaking. And now it was out there, so Jeremy would say something and he’d know once and for all.
“Oh. Oh. Max. I didn’t realize.”
Max’s heart sank harder than he’d anticipated as what he’d said suddenly hit him. He’d said he had feelings for Jeremy out loud. He couldn’t take it back, nor did he want to. But this would never work. It was too lopsided. Max had longed for Jeremy for too long, and if Jeremy was only realizing he might have some feelings because they kissed? No. It was too much. He braced for Jeremy to tell him he didn’t feel the same.
But Jeremy said, “Well, gee. Think of all the time we’d have had if you’d told me sooner. Or all the time we have ahead of us now.” He laughed. “We’re both quoting the show now. Was that the most cheeseball thing you’ve ever heard me say?”
Max didn’t know if he could stay in the room for the rest of this conversation. “Depends on what you’re trying to tell me.”
Jeremy raised both of his eyebrows and squeezed Max’s hand. “Maybe we could...see how things go?”
“Because you liked kissing me?”
Jeremy nodded. “It’s given me some ideas. I think we should do it again.”
“And then what?” asked Max, because he had to know.
“I haven’t thought it through that far, but one step at a time. You’re right, after everything with Ryan and now getting cast in this show, I’ve been sort of one-track. But I’m open to adding other tracks.”
The emotional roller coaster was intense; Max couldn’t decide if he should feel elated that Jeremy was open to possibilities, or upset that Jeremy didn’t return the intensity of Max’s feelings. This moment was proximity, it was perfect, it was everything Max wanted, and yet he couldn’t let himself enjoy it.
“I’m glad,” Max said.
“You’ve really had a crush on me?”
Max did shrug this time. He wasn’t ready to confess the full force of his feelings.
“I’ll admit, I had a bit of a thing for you for a hot minute in college, but I always saw us more as brothers. Kissing you has changed my mind about that, by the way.”
Jeremy’d had a thing for Max? Was it crazy to hope that could be true? Max didn’t know where to look or what to hope for. “So you want to kiss again?”
“I want to kiss you all the time.”
“We can...” Max swallowed. He didn’t know what to believe anymore. “Then let’s kiss. And see where things go. I mean, you should probably still sleep on the couch tonight, because I don’t know if I’m ready for...but kissing. Kissing I can do.”
A wide smile broke out across Jeremy’s face. “That sounds perfect.” Then he dove in for another kiss.