There was an old theater tradition that dictated all shows must actually begin six minutes after the scheduled start. Jeremy had told Max once that this was so that latecomers had time to find their seats. Max didn’t know if that was true, but he stared at his watch as seven o’clock came and went.
His seat was a little tight. He looked around and noticed that whoever had renovated the Hammerstein had taken the airline approach of squeezing as many seats into the theater as possible. On the other hand, he liked the anonymity of being hidden in the orchestra section while Jeremy performed.
Jeremy’s parents were in the audience somewhere, too. Jeremy had mentioned offhand that morning that they planned to take him for a drink afterward to celebrate after the show. He couldn’t see them—maybe they had seats farther back, or there was a row reserved for guests of the cast, Max didn’t know—and he hoped they wouldn’t be able to identify him by his hair. Would Jeremy have even mentioned to his parents what color hair Max had? Would the purple be noticeable in this lighting? Max hoped he could remain anonymous. He wanted to experience the show directly without reporting to Jeremy’s family.
The show began at precisely 7:06. Onstage, Jeremy performed nearly every song. The show opened not with an overture, but with Jeremy singing a song establishing the status quo: he had a secret—presumably that he was gay—but hadn’t told anyone, and all he wanted to do was get through high school. Max had some sympathy for that, since it was very close to his own story. Mostly in high school, he’d wanted to be left alone by the bullies, but he’d also wanted to be a part of Jeremy’s colorful world. He couldn’t sing or act, so he hadn’t joined the drama club, though he had found a few kindred spirits in the art department. Max loved to draw and paint; his particular gift was that pencils and brushes always did exactly what he intended for them to do.
After the opening song, which was just Jeremy and a piano, the full orchestra came in for something that seemed more like an overture, as sets move around and it soon became clear the show was set in a high school. There was a catchy day-in-the-life song in which the cast was all introduced, although Max had just met most of them backstage. It was interesting to see his makeup handiwork from this perspective. Everyone onstage did look like a teenager, despite being at least a decade older than their characters; makeup and costume helped create that illusion. None of them sang like teenagers, though, and Jeremy in particular had too much muscle mass to really convincingly be fifteen, but there was enough happening to pull off the illusion.
But then the stage went dark and gunshots sounded offstage. Max had anticipated this because Jeremy had told him enough about the show that he knew this was coming, and yet the sudden darkness and the pop of the gun made him gasp. The sound clearly shocked the audience, and Max could sense the woman sitting next to him tense up.
When the lights came back on, the set had changed to a parking lot. The cast that had been introduced so far had all survived the shooting, and they hugged each other.
The songs weren’t integrated into the show, but rather were separate fantasy sequences. Most of the time, it was Benjamin stepping to the side to explain what was going on, but after the shooting, it was Maggie’s character, Julie, who stepped aside to explain that she never wanted to see a shooting like this happen again, and she would do everything she could to stop it.
The shooting was the catalyst for change in the show. Jeremy’s character, Benjamin, was realizing, through song of course, that life could change completely in a moment, and maybe keeping his head down just to get through life wasn’t enough. There was a big production number fantasy sequence that was one of the campiest things Max had ever seen in which Benjamin fantasized about coming out to his whole school and sang an I-want song about living as his authentic self. In this sequence, Jeremy wore a rainbow-striped suit and danced around like Fred Astaire, and Max hadn’t known Jeremy’s legs could move that way. The whole dance had the rubbery quality of the scene in Singing’ in the Rain when Gene Kelly sang the title song.
And it was a delight. Max caught himself sitting forward in his seat, as if he could get closer to the action, to be inside of it.
To be with Jeremy.
Onstage, Benjamin confessed a crush on one of his teachers to the audience, then got caught up in Julie’s political activism to the point where he made the decision to come out. He reprised bits of songs that had come earlier in the act, and then he walked to the middle of the stage, surrounded by cast members who were whisper-singing to each other. Then Benjamin broke through all the noise to sing, “I’m gay!” at the top of his lungs. He held the note like Ethel Merman, for such a long time it felt impossible, then the song ended on an instrumental flourish and the stage lights went dark, signaling the end of Act 1.
Max was floored.
The show was amazing. The music was beautiful, the campier numbers were catchy, and Jeremy sang better than Max had ever seen him sing. Max was already caught up in it, and there was still a second act to go.
He stood in his seat and stretched. He thought about heading out to the lobby to find something to drink, but ultimately decided to stay put. He texted Nikki to make sure everything was fine backstage, and she replied that he’d done too good of a job because she hardly had to do any touchups.
So Max sat back down and flipped through his Playbill. But his mind kept wandering back toward the show. He identified with Benjamin, this character who didn’t want anyone to notice him and yet had this colorful soul yearning to break out.
Was Max truly living his life to the fullest? Was he living authentically? Did he continue to push Jeremy away because he felt undeserving in some way? Because he was depressed?
Max didn’t have satisfactory answers to any of these questions when the house lights dimmed for Act 2.
Act 2 opened with a song called “I’m Fine” in which Benjamin wrestled with how to react to how people were congratulating and praising him for coming out of the closet. Max connected with that feeling as well.
God. He’d been seventeen when he finally told Jeremy he was gay. Jeremy had hugged him and said he’d known all along and it changed nothing, and that was a relief in some ways. A few weeks later, he’d sat his parents down and told them, and they’d said all the right things—we’re happy you told us, we love you no matter what, you’ll always be our son, we just want you to be happy—and it had felt like too much. Which was ridiculous, because hadn’t he wanted to hear that his parents accepted him?
He was grateful for his family and for Jeremy for supporting him through all of that. The aftermath of his coming out had been the tricky part; it was weeks and months of well-meaning people saying the wrong thing, of irritating micro-aggressions that added up to feeling ostracized, of feeling like he had to conform to a certain expectation of what a gay man looked and behaved like.
See the Light simplified that experience for the sake of time, and “gay” was often represented by rainbows and glitter, but Max still recognized himself in that character.
And so did the bully of the show, apparently, because he stepped aside to sing a song about how he lashed out because he saw his own weaknesses in Benjamin. And while Max appreciated the show’s attempts to redeem the bully, he didn’t think his own bullies had been nearly so self-reflective. Maybe the kids who harassed him in high school saw weakness in Max, saw difference and nonconformity, but Max would never give them a pass. Nothing justified that level of cruelty.
But in the meantime, the show introduced Austin, the love interest. And here Max got tense, because even though he knew intellectually that this was all acting, watching Jeremy and Keenan look at each other with stars in their eyes, singing love songs to each other, and having this romance...well, it was hard not to get emotional. On the one hand, Max never saw himself onstage like this; Broadway was pretty progressive, but a sweet teen love story like the one playing out before him in which two men fell in love with relatively little angst was such a rarity that Max could feel it in his heart.
But more than that, watching Jeremy kiss someone else, even in this context, made something in Max shatter.
Because that was the heart of the issue, wasn’t it? In many ways, Max had been successful. He’d figured out how to express himself outwardly, was okay with the fact that he didn’t conform to whatever preconceived notion people had of what a gay man in his twenties should look like, felt comfortable in his own skin. He owned that. That he’d had a lot of career success was a given, and he’d worked hard and felt he deserved that, too. So why didn’t he think he deserved love? Why had he never acted on his feelings? Not knowing if Jeremy felt the same was a feeble excuse now. Why did he keep pushing Jeremy away?
Had he been drifting through his romantic life while he focused on everything else? Was he not really living his life to the fullest? Probably Anthony would have some things to say about this.
The second act of See the Light focused on a bus trip the kids from the high school took to a generic state capital, where they fought to get a gun control bill passed. In the fantasy land of the musical, the kids were successful and the bill passed, then they sang a song about it.
Then, with the capital building in the background, Benjamin and Austin gave speeches to each other about how inspired they were. Then they kissed.
They kissed.
Max hadn’t expected to cry at this show, and tears came to his eyes anyway. His emotions were a mottled clump of everything: pride for Jeremy because he had just done that and it was amazing; the satisfaction of a gay love story playing out onstage; jealousy of Keenan for getting to kiss Jeremy every night; and desire to be a part of this, to be a part of Jeremy.
Onstage, Jeremy stepped aside to sing a song of triumph, then the rest of the cast joined him to sing the finale, which was a mashup of themes and songs from prior parts of the show. The show ended on such a high note, Max found that he almost wanted to leave and go march on City Hall to fight for everything the citizens of New York deserved, but instead he remained in his seat, overwhelmed.
Jeremy had been fantastic.
Max had seen Jeremy play dozens of roles over the years, but it was clear this role was the one he was born to play. Jeremy was not Benjamin, but the role clearly inspired him so much that he glowed with it, and he played the role with such passion and conviction that his love and joy shone out of him from the stage.
Jeremy was one of the greatest people Max knew. He wanted Max. Max was a fool for turning him down.
Because he wasn’t living his full life. That was the message of See the Light, wasn’t it? To find the light, to find joy, to make the most of every day. Max wasn’t doing that currently. He was being ruled by second-guessing, by wondering if he really deserved happiness, by doubt.
And yes, maybe things between him and Jeremy wouldn’t work out, but one day with Jeremy, being a part of everything he’d just expressed onstage, would be better than no more days. And if Max could live each day with everything he had, rather than shirking away from it, maybe he’d have a chance to be happy in the long run.
Jeremy wanted him. Jeremy loved him. He was a fool to turn away from that.
He wept through the curtain call. The audience went berserk when Jeremy ran out to take his bow. There was clapping and hooting and a few people shouting, “Bravo!” Everyone was out of their seats, giving a hearty standing ovation to the cast.
Max had to get to Jeremy.
He’d worked on a show in this theater before the renovation, but he recalled that there was an exit from the main theater near the stage, and from there he could get backstage. He dug into his pocket for his staff pass to show to security, and after sneaking around the part of the theater the audience never saw, he finally found a security guard who was willing to let him backstage.
Because he was done half living his life. He’d seen the light, and it was Jeremy.
The atmosphere backstage was celebratory. Maggie started jumping up and down as they walked offstage and hadn’t really stopped. Keenan and Trevor were both all smiles. Jeremy couldn’t help but get caught up in the jubilation of a brilliant show.
And it had been very good. Jeremy could feel it all coming together as he’d performed. He’d hit every note, remembered every line, lost himself in doing the show. Now that it had ended and the audience was leaving the theater, he began to come down from the high.
It was a terrible low.
Max had walked out of the theater.
Jeremy had never been one for tears. Although when he was in acting mode he often kept his emotions close the surface, he rarely cried unless he was supposed to for a role. But now, with the catharsis of the curtain call and the celebration of the show ending, he felt the crash, and tears sprung to his eyes.
He carefully nudged them away with his forefinger so as not to smear his makeup too much.
Regina Morris walked over. “Brilliant. That was absolutely brilliant, Jeremy. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you nail it like you just did.”
Jeremy tried to focus on Regina, on the grin on her face, on her wild hair, and not on the fact that Max had walked out of the theater. He forced a smile. “Wow, thank you.”
“Oh, look at you, getting all emotional. It really was a great performance. Casting you was definitely the right decision.”
Jeremy took a deep breath. He wondered if she knew that he knew he was the second choice. But that was old history now; this role was Jeremy’s and he owned it. He also knew he was about to totally lose it. Not wanting to embarrass himself, he thanked Regina, mumbled something about wanting to get out of makeup, and decided to duck into a dressing room before things got messy.
How could Max have just left?
And why did everyone in the cast feel like tonight was the night to pay him a compliment. Part of Jeremy was overjoyed that everyone had enjoyed the show and that clearly whatever acting decisions he’d made had paid off, but it felt like a hollow victory without Max there. Jeremy was already dreading the conversation he’d have to have when he got home about how he’d be moving out—to a new place or another friend’s couch remained to be seen. And maybe they shouldn’t see each other for a while. That image of Max walking down the hall toward the stage door had burned itself into Jeremy’s brain, and it hurt so fucking much to watch him just leave like that. And maybe Max was tied up in his own issues, but Jeremy had feelings, too, and he’d put them all on the table, and Max should have at least pretended that mattered.
God, he just couldn’t. He didn’t want to touch his eyes and smear his makeup, but he had to either figure out how to make the tears stop or get to a place where he could cry in private, because clearly something had been uncorked.
But then...then Max was standing right there.
Well, not right there. He’d walked backstage and was scanning the area around where the cast was milling about. Then, finally, his gaze met Jeremy’s. Something like determination flashed over his features. And before Jeremy had even put all the pieces together for what was happening now, Max was charging across the room. Most of the cast was still lingering back there, chatting and congratulating each other on a good show, but a few had taken notice of Max beelining toward Jeremy.
When Max closed the distance between them, Jeremy opened his mouth to say...something. Max subtly shook his head, so Jeremy closed his mouth again.
And then Max kissed the ever-loving shit out of him.
The kiss startled him at first, and he really had no idea what was going on now, but then he really did lose it, so overwhelmed by his emotions that he grasped on to Max for dear life as tears poured down his face and Max kissed him as if his life depended upon it. Maybe it did.
Jeremy broke the kiss and pulled back a little. He heard people applaud through the rushing in his ears. He said, “What was that?”
Max grabbed Jeremy’s upper arms. “You were so completely brilliant just now.”
“You watched the show?”
Max nodded. “Every minute of it.”
Jeremy’s heart soared. “But how? I saw you leave.”
Max looked puzzled for a second. Then he said, “No, I bought a ticket to opening night more than three months ago. The minute tickets went on sale. I hung on to the ticket despite everything. So when Nikki told me she could do the touchups, I went outside to reenter the theater. I just sat in the orchestra, about eight rows back.”
Max had seen the show. A thrill went through Jeremy. “You saw everything.”
“Jer, it was amazing. You were amazing. The show is amazing. I’ve never seen anything that moved me like that. And I know I still have some shit to work out, but I couldn’t help but think as I watched the show that I was selling myself short by not living each day to the fullest, and that I was a fucking fool for ever pushing you away.”
Jeremy was going to fall apart right here. He pressed his hand over his mouth as if that would somehow stem the tide, but his eyes stung so much his vision went blurry. “What are you saying?”
“I love you, Jeremy. I always have. I want to be with you, with my whole heart I want to be with you. It’s worth the risk to have an hour, a day, a week with you, if that’s all I get. But I want to really try, and maybe be with you forever, if you’ll have me.”
Jeremy was probably going to have a heart attack right here. He threw his arms around Max instead. “Of course I’ll have you. I love you, too.”
Max stroked Jeremy’s back and whispered, “You’ve always been my first choice.”
It warmed Jeremy’s heart to hear that. He kissed Max again, and around them, there was some cheering and clapping, although by now, most of the cast and crew had gone to get out of their wardrobe. But Jeremy didn’t care who saw it. Because this might have been the greatest night of his life.
When he pulled back again, his makeup had smeared all over the bottom of Max’s face. It made Jeremy giggle.
“What?” Max asked.
“You’re wearing my lipstick.”
Max laughed and wiped at his lips.
“Hopeless. Come on, let me change. Then I’ll take you home.”