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“I’M SORRY?” I BLINKED, sure I must have heard him wrong. His expression held steady. The storm in his eyes kept burning.
“Tonight,” Colvin repeated. “I’m going back to Evrion with the first platoon.” He hesitated. “And I didn’t want you to find out from someone else.”
Maybe he thought he was being kind, doing me a favor by giving me the news in person. In a way, I supposed he was. Like dumping me face-to-face rather than over text.
I struggled to find words. “Why?” was the only one that came out. The inside of my mouth had gone dry and dusty. I couldn’t stand to think of Colvin directly in the path of danger, and so far away.
“I was afraid you’d ask that,” he said ruefully.
“Of course I’m asking!” My voice rose a little more than either of us were expecting; he glanced at me, momentarily startled. “There’s a war going on back there, Colvin. We have plenty of troops to spare. Why the heck would you volunteer to risk your life right now?”
“It’s the right thing to do,” he responded calmly.
“No.” I balled my hands into fists, clenching and releasing them. “The right thing to do is to go when you’re called. If you’re called.” I looked up at him. “You don’t need to do this.” Somehow, by the grace of some merciful higher power, my voice stayed steady and even, concealing the torrential feelings threatening to shatter my whole demeanor. I had to keep it together if I wanted any leverage in this debate.
“That’s easy for you to say.” Colvin’s gaze wandered around the room. “I know it looks like I have the easiest job in the world. Stand outside the door. Don’t let anyone in without prior approval. Look as serious as possible. And I was happy to do it for a long time. I used to dream about this job when I was younger. I’m not kidding.”
I bit my lip. “You don’t anymore?”
Colvin dropped a portion of his impenetrable façade. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I can’t, Amber. You know why? Because now it’s part of my job to stand back and watch you be engaged to a prince. I’m realizing I didn’t sign up for that. And I just can’t do it.”
A lump swelled in my throat. “Don’t say that like I chose it for myself. Nobody freaking told me an engagement was part of the deal. Not even Stas.”
“I know,” Colvin said quickly. “I know. It’s not your fault, or his. But it’s still happening. I’m choosing to step away.”
The way he spoke, with such quiet, well-rehearsed conviction, was starting to make me mad. He had all the time in the world out there in the hallway to sort himself out, to pick the perfect words. Despite the little ways in which I could see him letting down his guard, it seemed like he was delivering a speech. Which struck me as wildly unfair.
“Must be nice,” I blurted angrily. “To be able to make your own decisions about anything you want.”
He frowned. “We both know that’s not really the case. I have two choices here; stay, or go. Neither one is great, if I’m being honest.”
“Can you be a little less honest for once?” I demanded. “I’d love that, actually. I’d much rather you lied to me about what a terrible job I’m doing and how much it sucks to be in my service.” I was putting words in his mouth, but the hurt and resentment had taken over. How could he just abandon me in Talyad?
“That isn’t what I said.” Colvin’s tone was gaining an edge. I took a perverse sense of petty satisfaction from knowing he was frustrated too. “I won’t let you blame me for doing what I feel is best to fix a painful situation. And I absolutely will not let you demand that I suffer because you can’t let go.”
“You’re a Royal Guardian doing everything you can to get away from the royal you’re supposed to be guarding. How am I supposed to take that?” I snapped. “Don’t even try to tell me it’s nothing personal. I might punch you.”
The briefest smile flickered across his face and made me equal parts furious and heartsick.
“It is personal, Amber,” he answered. “That’s our problem. It’s way too personal.” He softened slightly. “Look, I’m sorry to shock you like this. I really didn’t think it would hit you so hard. But I don’t know how else to tell you. We can’t be together. Ever.” He took a deep breath. “And it is agonizing to be around you every day with that knowledge.”
The way he said my name made me melt a little inside—but only on the inside. Outwardly, I resisted bottomless sorrow with defiance. “Why don’t you just switch sides? It would sting less.”
Colvin’s face darkened. “Stop it. You’re better than this.”
I glared. “I thought you were, too.” For the moment, the hot tears stayed safely behind my eyes, and I was determined to keep them there. Colvin would see me cry for him over my dead body.
He shook his head. “God. Do you always have to be so—?” Colvin trailed off and we locked eyes, staring each other down. A heavy, confrontational silence descended. Then he threw up his hands, grabbed my face, and kissed me full on the mouth.
The kiss was searing, full of all the things he’d purposely, stubbornly, left unsaid. I felt my knees go weak; he gripped me around the waist with one strong arm. Before he could pull away, I put my arm around his neck and drew him back down. Time turned meaningless in that passionate embrace. We could have been there for seconds, or hours, or days.
Finally, we both came up for air. I let go of him, both of us gasping. He still had his arm around me, my body pressed to his.
“You sure you want to leave this behind?” I murmured.
“No,” he admitted. “Still, nothing’s changed. I’m going back to Evrion as soon as they’ll let me. I’m sorry, Amber.”
“I’m sorry too,” I replied. “For all that mean stuff I just said. It’s hard to imagine how lonely it’ll be without you here.” In fact, the thought was devastating. I tried not to linger on it.
He gave me a squeeze, leaning forward so our foreheads touched. “I need to go,” he said. “For a lot of reasons. But I’ll miss you like crazy. I already know it.”
Then don’t freaking go, I wanted to say. That kiss, however, had drained the vast majority of my venom against him. “I bet I’ll miss you more,” I said sadly. “No contest.”
He kissed me one more time before he left—a slow burn kind of kiss that we both savored. Once he was gone, I sat on the edge of my bed and gazed numbly at the curtained windows, not seeing much of anything. The last spark of joy in my life was fleeing, and I didn’t know what to do. My heart and mind were numb.
“This can’t be it,” I said out loud. The words seemed to knock something loose inside me, some hidden grain of fierce ambition. “I did not come all this way to throw a pity party instead of finding out how to solve my problems.” Jumping up from the bed, I began pacing back and forth. Thoughts raced around my head. “There’s gotta be a way to fix this. I have to make it work.”
Not that there was much I could do about Colvin shipping out. He had been immovable on that front, so much so that I’d been forced to respect it. All I could do was focus on my own major obstacles; the ones I had a chance to clear. Theo had bought us an undetermined amount of time.
I had to make sure I used it wisely.
