APPENDIX V: ADDING A BABY TO YOUR BLENDED FAMILY

Ron Deal, author, therapist, and expert on blended families, says that sometimes a couple with children from a previous marriage may feel some concerns when adding a mutual child to the family —what some call an “ours” baby.

In The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, he writes:[1]

Stepfamilies experience a wide variety of emotional and relational changes after a mutual child is born. When relationships within the home are generally stable and positive before the pregnancy, the mutual child has a greater chance of bringing a positive impact to the home. In fact, half-siblings may consider the mutual child a full sibling, which can bring a great sense of joy to everyone.

If the relationships within the stepfamily home are already divided, a mutual child can bring further division. The biblical account of Joseph and his half-brothers is an example of this dynamic, Deal says. Stepparents can create a smoother transition by continuing to invest in their stepchildren as well as their biological children. In addition, parents should be aware of the unique pressures their baby will face. Deal writes:

Being related to everyone puts the mutual child in the center of the family’s experience. This hub position cuts both ways. On the one hand, it is a privileged position, and the child gains more attention than the other children (especially part-time children). This affords the child more influence and control in the home. On the other hand, this child may feel a constant pressure to create bonds between family members and ensure that everyone gets along.

The families who fare best, Deal explains, are the ones where the husband and wife are united on household standards and committed to the fair treatment of all of their children.

Parental unity is a must to negotiate the rules and standards of the home, and all children should be treated equitably to the best of your ability. A stepparent, for example, should not disconnect from stepchildren to give themselves exclusively to their biological children. Some differences will exist, but the extremes should be avoided at all costs.

Deal suggests discussing the changes ahead with all of your children, talking about how the schedule may change or how some (natural) jealousy may arise. He also recommends including siblings in the excitement of welcoming the baby as much as possible —establishing that every family member is valued and loved.

It’s also important for parents not to assume that every frustration a sibling expresses over the new baby is automatically a “stepfamily problem.” In The Smart Stepmom, he writes:

Sibling rivalry is normal. Not every expression is “stepfamily rejection.” And if a stepmom overreacts it sends a rejecting message to the children in return.[2]

The entrance of your new baby can be a joyous event for the whole family with a little preparation, sensitivity, and family togetherness.