CHAPTER TEN

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Roots

When Kevin and I learned I was pregnant, we were thrilled. Both of us were blessed to grow up in Christian homes with parents who loved the Lord and each other. And we were both close to our siblings. That added up to us sharing a very positive view of family life.

In fact, atypical for his gender, Kevin had dreamed about having a wife and children since he was thirteen. And once we were married and people started asking us how many children we planned to have, he would often quip, “Seven!” With solid modeling from our families of origin, we felt nothing but excitement about watching how God would build our family.

The morning Skye found out she was pregnant was the day of her husband’s alma mater’s first football game of the season. Just before kickoff, she presented her husband, Hunter, with a special gift —a baby outfit sporting the college’s mascot, a tiger. As Hunter held that tiny outfit, he says he was both excited and scared.

“I’ve wanted to be a dad for as long as I can remember,” he says. “I’m excited to be able to build sofa forts and ambush him with water balloons after school. I’m looking forward to hearing about his day and what he’s learning. I’m excited to pass on ‘dad wisdom’ and see him grow up. But I’m really scared because I don’t have a measuring stick of any kind.”

Hunter was raised by a single mom after his dad passed away from cancer when Hunter was four. Skye lost both of her parents to a car accident when she was young, so her grandmother raised her. Because of their lack of a traditional family upbringing, the couple says they felt a little adrift when they learned they would be parents.

Skye, who was brought up in an abusive environment, says she knows what not to do. “But that doesn’t mean that I know what to do,” she says. “I have been fortunate throughout different stages of my life to have ‘adoptive mothers’ —women who have come alongside me to love me and emotionally nurture me.”

Still, both Skye and Hunter feel as if their biggest obstacle going into parenthood is that each of them lacked a personal example of a two-parent home. “This is uncharted territory for us,” Hunter says. “That’s exciting as well as scary.”

There are many reasons soon-to-be parents may find themselves feeling ill-equipped for the job. Some may feel as if circumstances from childhood will doom them to repeat the same patterns in their own families. Or perhaps they feel uncertain of where to even begin in establishing a whole and healthy family unit.

Whether you have a dramatic story of a painful childhood, or you grew up in what you consider to be a fairly “normal” family, taking a look at your roots can be one of the most helpful exercises as you step into parenthood.

Roy Baldwin says, “Family of origin has a lot to do with how we raise our own kids. In most cases we’re either validating what our parents did, or we’re reacting to what they did.”

Baldwin encourages couples to be self-aware about the messages —true and untrue —that they may have received as a result of their families of origin and how those messages affect their current relationships.

“What are the messages you’re constantly replaying in your head?” he asks. “If my wife and I have a conflict, I may think, I’m good for nothing. Where does that come from? I might have heard that during my childhood.”

Baldwin suggests that couples be open with one another about these discoveries and not resort to blaming the other person’s family. “Try to recognize that your parents likely did the best they could with the situation they had,” he says. “No family is perfect.”

The truth is, even good parents sometimes make the wrong calls, which means that even the best of families will end up with some mild dysfunction. I recently saw an online list of things no one tells you about before becoming a parent. Number one on the list was, “At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and feel like the worse parent ever.” A cringe-worthy video clip of a woman falling on an air mattress and launching her toddler off the bed, Olympic ski-jump-style, accompanied the list item.[1]

I can relate. There have been moments of parenting when, after the fact, I can only utter, “I can’t believe I did that!” Take, for instance, the time I carried my sleeping two-month-old son, strapped in his car seat, into a restaurant to have lunch with a friend. Only after I returned home did I realize that I had unbuckled him under his fleece blanket at the restaurant and then driven him all the way across town in that precarious condition. I felt so terrible I didn’t even want to confess to Kevin what I had done.

All parents make mistakes.

Thankfully, many mistakes parents make are easily survived. My mom tells of the time she accidentally ran the diaper pin through the cloth diaper and a flap of my brother’s skin. She was only alerted to her mistake several minutes later by his persistent crying. She felt terrible, but he survived.

Some mistakes parents make are a little harder to overcome. Deep emotional wounds can continue to fester into adulthood and even impact how you treat your own children.

Justine says a tumultuous childhood with an abusive alcoholic father and a verbally abusive mother played a huge role in her own parenting experience.

“When my first daughter, Kaylee, was born, I asked God to show me how to be a good parent,” Justine says. “That was something I had never seen on a day-to-day basis. Even though I had become a Christian, I still had some of the same traits as my parents. When I was angry, I said cutting things to my husband, and sometimes I even swore or threw things like shoes.”

Justine’s husband came from a stable, healthy Christian family, and he helped her find more constructive ways to express what she was feeling. “But I knew motherhood was a whole new level of responsibility. My husband was mature enough to handle me at my worst, but my children wouldn’t understand my behavior.”

With her daughter’s arrival, Justine continued to struggle with anger. “When I first held Kaylee, I thought I just loved her too much to ever be angry with her,” she says. “But that first sleepless week, I found that my exhaustion, frustrations, and fears all came out as anger.”

Many nights, after her colicky baby finally fell asleep, Justine would go outside and hit something or yell. “I realized I really needed to change,” she says. “I had just as much potential to be violent as my parents had. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting my little girl the way my parents had hurt me, so I cried out to God. The hardest part of changing was slowly going through every painful childhood memory with the Lord and examining it. I had to forgive my parents for things I had tried very hard to just forget. My goal changed from ‘Be a better parent than my parents’ to ‘Keep in conference with God —every minute, every decision.’”

UNTANGLING YOUR ROOTS

Before Baby arrives, it may be helpful for you to consider as a couple how the families you grew up in affect your own thinking and behaviors. For example, you might discover that your family tended to react in anger in stressful situations or struggled to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Even differences in “family traditions” can create tension as couples decide what their own family unit will look like. One difference that Kevin and I discovered once our son was born centered around holiday traditions.

I grew up in a family that didn’t believe in Santa Claus. My parents allowed Santa to be a fun part of the Christmas season, but they never encouraged us to believe in him. When I asked them about his existence —probably around seven years old —they gave me an honest answer that he was a fun myth that people choose to celebrate at Christmas. Like many Christian families, mine emphasized the birth of Jesus over cultural practices, and from the time I was old enough to question, I knew Santa wasn’t real.

Kevin’s parents, however, perpetuated a belief in Santa to a much later age with their children. And while they also made Jesus the main focus of the holiday, my husband claims that some of his best childhood memories have to do with believing in the Jolly Old Elf and the whimsical hijinks his parents pulled to convince him and his siblings of Santa’s existence.

While this may seem like a minor difference, it continues to be a point of discussion for us as we think about how we will raise our own children. Both of us have warm and wonderful Christmas memories from our childhoods, and both of us grew up with strong family connections and a solid belief in Jesus. In other words, we both feel that our own family’s “way” didn’t harm us and actually made our lives better.

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Examining Traditions

During a date night or when you have some quiet moments together, talk with your spouse about favorite family traditions.

While the issue of affirming the existence of Santa Claus (or not) is rather minor, consider some other talking points you may encounter:

As you openly discuss your values and expectations for your future family, decide which standards are sacred and which are negotiable. As long as a practice isn’t a biblical mandate, it should be open for discussion.

THE BEAUTIFUL IMPERFECT FAMILY

The “perfect” family is a myth. A casual glance at the Bible shows that even some of our inspired examples had major issues. And yet God used them to do His work and reflect some of His deepest attributes.

The prophet Hosea’s love for his unfaithful wife, Gomer, provided a picture of how God unflinchingly loves His people even when they are rebellious and hurtful. The story of the prodigal son demonstrates the committed love of our heavenly Father. And the epic tale of Joseph and his cruel brothers reveals God’s forgiveness and sovereignty in the midst of jealousy and dysfunction.

Long before I was married, I heard a speaker say this about marriage: “Some marriages will be easy. Some marriages will be difficult. But both can bring glory to God.”

The same is true of families. Some will be fraught with challenges, while others will seem to coast along with little effort. Either way, God promises that He will work every joyful and painful moment together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). That doesn’t mean that everything that happens is good —only that God can redeem everything and use it for His glory.

Maybe you’re looking forward to some of the painful circumstances you grew up with being redeemed in your own family. First-time dad Drew is excited to be the “daddy” to his daughter that his wife, Tonya, never had.

Tonya explains, “My biological father left when I was four years old, and I was very much a ‘daddy’s girl.’” Her father’s departure was devastating for Tonya, even though her mom remarried a kind, devoted man. “He didn’t have to stick around after my mom died when I was nineteen,” she says of her stepdad, “but he did. As wonderful as he is, though, he is not a very emotional man, and I never felt like I could curl up in his arms and break down.

“The struggles I’ve experienced in my adult life stem partially from a fear of abandonment because of my dad leaving. Drew is sensitive and the kind of dad who will share his emotions with his children —he’s what I consider to be a ‘daddy.’”

Tonya already sees the bond developing between Drew and their infant daughter, Izzy. “While I have a great stepdad, I missed having a daddy,” Tonya says. “Watching Drew with our daughter redeems that for me. He is her daddy, and I feel it healing a part of my heart that ached for that.”

Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, experienced a tumultuous childhood. Abandoned by his alcoholic father at age five and orphaned by his mother’s death from cancer when he was nine, Daly struck out on his own when he was only seventeen. Daly explains that his difficult childhood has given him a passion to live out God’s best for his own family.

“Growing up in a dysfunctional environment helped me learn to be a better parent by consistently showing me what not to do,” he says. “It instilled in me a strong desire to provide a healthy, safe, stable childhood for my own boys, and to do everything I can to allow them to experience all the things I missed out on when I was growing up.”

As Daly’s story demonstrates, God is capable of redeeming the roughest of childhoods and even providing divine parenting lessons in the process.

UNPACKING FAMILY BAGGAGE

Sometimes the birth of a child can intensify bad experiences from the father’s or mother’s own childhood. Joshua Rogers says the birth of his first child stirred up the lack of forgiveness he felt toward his dad.

“When he didn’t even suggest the possibility of making a trip to see his new grandchild, it pricked a nerve,” Rogers says. “He missed out on a great deal of my childhood when he repeatedly left my mom to go work through his issues, and I felt like his irresponsibility as a dad was replaying itself all over again.” Rogers was able to confront his father about his apparent lack of interest in connecting with his new granddaughter.

“It led to an intense conversation during which I also talked to him about the ways it hurt to grow up as his son. He was incredibly receptive and —most importantly —repentant. Within a few weeks, he made the 1,500-mile trip to see his granddaughter (and his son), and it marked a new, healthier chapter in our relationship, which continues to grow.”

FORGING A NEW PATH

You are creating a new family. The good news is, regardless of how great or not-so-great your family experience was, you can do this family thing however you want. The family God is creating through you is a fresh start, a clean slate.

Leon, the father of eight daughters, says the story of his childhood is not one that, at first glance, would translate to a strong desire for family and fatherhood.

His parents divorced when he was very young, and his mom remarried a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive. “Home was chaotic,” Leon says. “My growing-up years were a mixture of love, uneasiness, discomfort, and insecurity. And yet, for some reason, I always wanted to be a dad. Something kept telling me that there must be a better way.”

Leon says he paid attention to healthy but realistic examples of marriage. “I noticed couples who argued but loved each other,” he says. “I saw men who struggled at times to provide for their families or relate to their wives but still maintained their commitment to their families. They showed me that imperfect people can stay committed to each other with God’s help, which gave me immeasurable hope.”

Leon admits there were some obstacles to overcome when his first daughter was born, including laying aside his fear of failure or repeating history. “My wife grew up in an intact family, so she was unfamiliar with the pains of divorce from a child’s perspective,” he says. “Marrying into my family meant watching me —and helping me —deal with insecurities, stresses, and emotions that were not easy for her to understand.”

As he became a father, he says he also had to accept the reality that he was going to struggle with some of the same issues his parents had struggled with, such as anger and harsh words. “I couldn’t just declare myself to be different from them,” he says. “I needed to recognize that I was susceptible to the same temptations, the same shortcomings, and the same relational problems that were modeled for me growing up.”

Still, Leon recognizes a positive side to growing up in a broken home. “One of the greatest takeaways from my childhood is my understanding of the forgiveness and grace required to make family life work. Even as a child, I realized that I needed to have a resilient heart and be willing to forgive even great pains inflicted on me. Now, as a husband and father, I lean on the grace and resiliency of my children and wife as well, and I make it a priority to say ‘I’m sorry’ when I mess up.”

REDEEMING YOUR ROOTS

Despite growing up in a broken home, Joshua Rogers has watched his own family flourish. “One thing I didn’t anticipate was how much my kids would adore my wife and me as a couple,” he says. “My three-year-old is always saying that I’m the prince and mommy’s the princess; she’s fixated on our separate roles as husband and wife, mommy and daddy. Both of our girls are happiest when all four of us are together. When we’re all together, my three-year-old gleefully exclaims, ‘It’s all four of us!’

“Coming from a broken home, I always felt a little defensive of single-parent homes, and I was jaded about the importance of nuclear families. When I heard people talk about the importance of having a mother and father in the home, it just sounded like a somewhat-true conservative talking point. Now that I’m raising two girls in a nuclear family, I’m seeing one of the main reasons that it’s so important —because it’s important to them.”

Whatever you experienced in your family of origin will affect your new family and how you parent. Understanding how your background contributes to the type of parent you will be is helpful, but your childhood experiences don’t have to define you or your new family. Isaiah 43:19 says, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Skye, who says she is more excited every day to meet her son, realizes that dealing with her past isn’t something she can do in a day. “I don’t even know what to do to make up for that sense of ‘not being enough’ and profound loss,” she says. “I know I am on a healing journey and that I need to take one step at a time, one day at a time —trusting that while the wounds run deep, they will heal.”

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Real Advice for New Parents

Don’t compare your babies to anyone else’s. Every situation is different. But take advice from those who have been there, even if you think you have it all figured out and read all the right books. Chances are you could learn from them.

 —Tiffany, mother of three

Chrystal Evans Hurst knows about starting out from a difficult place. At nineteen, she was a brand-new single parent trying to complete college. She gives this advice for overcoming flawed circumstances. “You have the complete ability to make your experience as a parent what you want it to be,” she says. “Regardless of your situation —the pregnancy is earlier than planned, it’s unplanned, you’re by yourself, maybe you’re not with the guy —from this point forward you get to choose. You get to choose what kind of parent you’re going to be. You get to choose what kind of childhood you’re going to give your baby.”

Hurst points out that many adults she knows didn’t have an ideal childhood or a perfect family, but “when they reflect on their childhood, what they remember is a parent who was happy. A parent who made the best of situations. A parent who knew how to celebrate special events. We create healthy kids by giving the best we can out of what we have to give.”

Keep in mind that God knows about all of the broken places in our lives, and He desires to bring restoration. No challenge is too difficult for Him to overcome. No past is too messed up for Him to redeem. And nothing is so lost that He cannot restore it. That truth can allow you to go forward into parenthood with confidence, joy, and hope!

TIME TO TALK

Take some time to discuss or journal about some of the realities of the family you grew up in. Talk about some things you appreciate and some things you wish had been different. Ask God to redeem your roots as you set a course for your own family unit.