CHAPTER TWELVE

The First Few Weeks

I think one of the best things about expecting a baby is all of the preparations: Decorating the nursery. Washing tiny outfits. Arranging tiny toys.

As Kevin and I did each of these tasks together, we dreamed of the day we’d bring home our newborn son. Although we didn’t know exactly what the first few weeks and months of our baby’s life would be like, we already had expectations. You can probably relate.

Maybe you imagine lots of downtime as you sleep when the baby sleeps and rise for middle-of-the-night feedings. Perhaps your vision includes lots of visitors coming by to meet your little one. Or maybe Dad plans to take some time off work, and you look forward to some family time, watching movies and learning the ropes of infant care.

Everyone tells you that you can’t really prepare for having a baby. After the excitement of the delivery wears off (and the joys of the hospital nursery no longer exist), this little being is placed completely in your care.

Jennafer, a mother of four, says, “When we had our twins, I remember being ready to go home from the hospital and thinking, Are they just going to let us walk out of here with these babies? I felt so unqualified and unprepared, and I thought, Don’t I have to pass a test? You have to pass a test to drive your car. I just get to walk out with these babies?” (For more on multiples, see Appendix IV.)

It can feel a little odd and unsettling that such a huge event in your family’s life is greeted with so little ceremony. The nurse goes over the infant care checklist with you, you schedule your baby’s first pediatric appointment, you strap your baby into the car seat, and off you go.

Rachel recalls her first moments at home with her newborn. “I came home from the hospital, back to my warm, familiar home, put the infant car seat on the floor, cozied up to my devoted husband for a snuggle, and realized that my life was never going back to normal. There was a tiny human in that car seat. And it was 100 percent dependent on me for everything.”

View from the Nursery

First Days

by Ian Durias

I think I drove home from the hospital ten miles per hour under the speed limit. Yellow lights were as good as red. And I was sure the speed bumps in the parking lot of our apartment complex were out to harm my newborn daughter with all that needless shaking.

I still remember those first few weeks at home with her —the softly colored wood of her crib, the Beatrix Potter decorative stickers on her wall, the blue, plush rocking chair that would lull us both to sleep.

Now, fourteen years (and four more babies) later, I laugh about how easy it was back then with only one. At the time, though, the newness of everything was a supreme challenge.

I watched a whole new side of my wife come alive. How did this woman know how to do all this stuff? Diaper changing, blanket swaddling, infant bathing . . . I sure didn’t. She didn’t have younger siblings growing up, she didn’t babysit, and the books she read didn’t cover all this stuff, did they?

I’ve heard it said that when people are married for a long time, over the years they’ll find themselves married to six or seven different versions of their spouse. I think this is true, and I believe this is what I saw fourteen years ago —a new version of my wife, operating fully in her gifting as a mother.

I also began to discover what it meant to be a dad. I learned that love is not —and should not —be seen as an investment. To invest in something is to expect a return. When you have a baby, there’s no return. There’s warm spit-up on your bare shoulder, a new definition of “sleep” (or “awake”), and a line item in the budget devoted solely to diapers. What it means to be a parent is to love. Just love. Not expecting anything in return, ever.

This baby is fourteen now, and she’s amazing. Creative, relational, trustworthy . . . It’d be easy to say that this is the return on loving her well over the years. I don’t think that, though. Mainly because I’m nowhere near to being a perfect dad. But also because to love with an expectation holds back the love you really want to show —the love your baby needs.

WELCOME, LITTLE ONE

I remember the excitement (and slight panic) of strapping Josiah into his car seat and driving away from the hospital. Even though our townhome was minutes away, Kevin took the side streets and drove ten miles below the speed limit. Our joy was mingled with the sheer weight of the responsibility that was now upon us.

During her daughter Mykayla’s first days at home, Jessica remembers sitting on the couch in the middle of the night, holding her baby close. “I would just stare at her,” Jessica says. “I’d touch her tiny fingers and trace her features and just thank God that she was here and she was mine! No matter how little I slept, just staring at her perfect little face —that was half me and half my husband —would get me through another sleepless night.”

I remember breathing in many of those quiet, sleepy moments with my son during the first few weeks. I would cradle his little body against my chest as we rocked or he nursed. Many times it felt as if we were in our own little world, and everything around us had slowed down or become unimportant.

Monica recalls that she and her husband, Bill, would race down the hall to be the first to reach their daughter, Isabelle, when she awoke from her nap. “That’s how eager we were to see her, hold her, and love her,” Monica says.

While you may be looking forward to those cuddly moments with your newborn, the transition of caring for an infant goes more smoothly for some than others.

Alysia says she had a picture in her mind of what those first days with her daughter would be like. “Once Emilyn arrived, all that went out the window,” she says. “Emilyn was a fussy, colicky baby. I knew that the transition to motherhood was going to be an adjustment, but I really was not prepared for her to be screaming every waking moment and for evenings to now consist of a wailing baby that just would not calm down. I was discouraged and found myself thinking, Was I really ready for this?”

She says she and her husband, Chad, slowly adjusted to less sleep and figured out how to best comfort their daughter. “I started to realize that everything was going to be okay,” Alysia says.

Erin Smalley says that many first-time parents feel overwhelmed when they first bring their babies home. “Having your first baby will cause many adjustments,” she says. “You’re going from caring for only yourself and your spouse to having a newborn fully dependent on you for his or her every need. It can feel overwhelming at times.”

Alysia said it helped to shift her perspective. “I had unrealistic expectations that I would be able to just pack up my baby and take her with me,” she says. “But in her first couple of months of life, we hardly left the house. I decided that life outside the home could go on the back burner. I had my precious baby now, and she would only be this small for such a short time. I just hung tight to the promise that it would get better, and I began to take it one day at a time.” Now that her daughter is six months old, Alysia describes her life as “chaotically beautiful.”

“I’ve had to learn to rely on God in a whole new way,” she says. “I don’t think you can ever be truly prepared for parenthood, and that is half the excitement!”

View from the Nursery

Joy, or “Just Wait”[1]

by Katie Wetherbee

As I wait in line at Target, I notice a young couple with a stroller behind me. The stroller, brand new, appears to be on its maiden voyage. I peer at the tiny sleeping newborn, his fingers curled up near his ruddy face.

“You guys do good work!” I comment. The parents beam with pride, but the weariness in their eyes lets me know that they are all still in the process of getting to know each other. The lady behind the couple glances at the stroller as well, and asks, “Is this your first?” They nod proudly. “Just wait . . .” she snorts, and then follows that with a comment about unruly teenagers.

Inwardly I wince. We seem to live in a country overrun by a great lot of negative naysayers when it comes to parenting. I remember hearing comments like that when I was a new (and overwhelmed!) mom. It seemed that many parents were suffering from a chronic case of disappointment and dissatisfaction called “Just-Wait-itis,” characterized by the inflammation of impending doom in parenthood. I felt trapped in a swirl of know-it-alls who were warning me that the worst was yet to come.

Of course, now that my kids are teenagers, I know the truth. Parenting is complicated: It’s wonderful and challenging; exhausting and gut wrenching; heartwarming and heartbreaking.

And, at the outset, parenting can be utterly daunting. It just doesn’t help when others douse young parents with stories leading to doubt and despair.

Instead, we seasoned moms could infuse joy into our “just waits.” As I regard this weary pair, I think of so many things I could say . . .

Just wait until your preschool son sees you in the hallway at pickup time and covertly grins and waves to you. (It’s the best flirting in the world.)

Just wait until you watch your kindergartener jump off the bus after that first day, triumphant and tired, and melt into your arms.

Just wait until your son is up to bat and strikes out, holding it together despite disappointment. And just wait until the crack of the bat meeting the ball surprises him and he races to first base . . . safe.

Just wait until your daughter stands up for a classmate who is struggling, and her peers, humbled, apologize.

Just wait until your child, painfully tethered to tubes and machines in the hospital, whispers, “I just want my mommy,” and you are suddenly aware that your presence is more powerful than any prescription.

Just wait until your son gets his very first summer job and he is, unmistakably, walking taller and more confidently as a result.

Just wait until your child’s quick sense of humor makes you double over with laughter.

Just wait until you hear your son invite a friend to church.

Just wait until your daughter receives her first college acceptance letter and you find yourself overcome with tears . . . not because she’s leaving, but because she’s ready.

The baby in the stroller whimpers, breaking my reverie. I smile at the couple and look them straight in the eye.

“You have so much joy ahead of you . . .” I remark. “Just wait.”

BEYOND EXPECTATIONS

For Rebekah and her husband, Ezra, the transition into having a baby was fairly seamless. “It was not at all what we expected,” she says, “but it was joyful being just the three of us.” Although the couple was basically on their own for the first few weeks, they preferred it that way. “We weren’t exhausted from endless visitors and could really focus on what Eben needed, and we slept when he slept,” Rebekah says.

Rebekah admits she and Ezra were surprised by how intense the first few weeks were. “Getting the hang of breast-feeding, cluster feeding, crying, blowouts, changing diapers —I had never even babysat, so every little detail was new,” she says. “I didn’t know how to change a diaper!”

Rebekah says the trials of those early days were made easier by a strong sense of teamwork with Ezra. “We really didn’t have any help that first week, so we relied on each other and became a team,” she says. “In the wee hours of the night, I would feed the baby, Ezra would change his diaper while I slept, and then we would repeat the process. I remember a lot of days lounging on the couch in amazement of what we had made —well, what God had made, but you get the point.”

At first Rebekah says she was a little anxious about their duo becoming a trio and how that might affect their relationship. “The moment I realized I wasn’t worried was during that first sleep-deprived week,” she says. “I was holding our son, and Ezra whispered to me what a wonderful mom I was and how proud he was of me. I thought that to be able to love another little human, I would have to love my husband less, but that wasn’t the case. Watching Ezra become a father has made me love him even more. I knew that if we could get through an exhausting pregnancy and sleepless nights with a new baby, we could get through anything that came our way, because we were in it together —all three of us.”

Joshua Rogers tells new dads they should prepare to have selfish tendencies crop up. “You’ll pretend to be asleep in the middle of the night when someone needs to check on the baby; you’ll resent your wife for taking an hour and a half to spend with her friends; and you’ll find yourself keeping score of who did what baby chore last time.” He suggests that new parents confess their selfishness to Jesus and invite Him to change them from the inside out. “You’ll want Him to do some magical character change in you, but instead, you’ll sense the Holy Spirit saying things like, ‘Hey, Buddy. Why don’t you go change that nasty diaper?’”

Wes says he and his wife, Nica, came up with a creative solution to ease the pressure of early baby care. “I remember at night standing up, bouncing my daughter, trying to get her to sleep,” he says. “Falling asleep standing up and bouncing. If I stopped moving for a second, she’d scream again. We took shifts for “screaming duty.” But we each got one mulligan a night. We could say, ‘I know it’s my turn . . . but I can’t do it.’ And the other person would take it. It worked.”

Breast-feeding: The First Big Challenge

At one of our first prenatal visits, our doctor wisely suggested we take the breast-feeding class offered at the hospital. “It’s trickier than you might think,” he said. “Breast-feeding can be one of the biggest challenges parents face during those first few weeks.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2010, 77 percent of women in the US breast-fed their infants for some duration. Forty-nine percent breast-fed for six months, while 27 percent breast-fed for one year (the recommendation by the American Academy of Pediatrics).[2]

And when they say, “Breast is best,” they’re not fooling around. Not only does breast milk contain all the vitamins and nutrients your baby needs during his or her first six months of life, it also fights disease and protects your baby from illness. Breast-fed babies suffer fewer childhood infections and viruses, and they are at lower risk for certain health problems later in life.

This protection comes from an immune system booster called secretory immunoglobulin A (IgA) found in colostrum, the first milk a woman’s body produces for her baby, as well as in mature breast milk (in lower concentrations). IgA guards against germs by forming a protective layer on the mucous membranes in your baby’s intestines, nose, and throat.

In addition to the health benefits for Baby, moms also experience advantages, including deeper bonding with their infants, decreased stress levels, and a lower risk of postpartum depression.[3]

Along with taking the breast-feeding class, our doctor recommended that we take advantage of the lactation services the hospital provided —both in-room following the delivery as well as support groups we could attend during the early weeks.

Hearing about the benefits of breast-feeding can understandably cause moms (and dads) to develop an obsessive desire to provide this “advantage” for their baby. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible.

Grace says she fully intended to breast-feed her son. “He latched on fine,” she says, “but I produced hardly any milk.” After attending a lactation support group the first week after her son’s birth, she learned that her milk supply was “shockingly low.” Despite pumping for fifteen minutes every two hours for the next two days, Grace’s milk supply did not increase.

“I remember crying all that afternoon while holding Sam,” she says. “I felt devastated that I wouldn’t be able to breast-feed my son, especially when everyone made it sound so easy.”

It took some time for Grace to come to terms with feeding Sam formula. “It is expensive,” she says, “but how wonderful that there is such a thing as formula for babies who need it!”

She says she sometimes experienced feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and defensiveness when others asked her if she was breast-feeding. “But formula comes with a side package of freedom,” she says. “A bottle means you can easily feed your baby in a restaurant, leave your baby with a sitter, and your husband can help with midnight feedings. I realized the most important thing is not that you breast-feed, but that you have a baby. Many women in the world would sell all their possessions in order to simply have a baby —regardless of breast-feeding.”

SURVIVAL IS OKAY

Krista says the difficulty of being a new parent caught her off guard. “I always loved being with kids as a teen, and everyone used to tell me what a great mom I would be some day,” she says. “That’s all I ever wanted to be. It was my dream.”

When her daughter was born two years after she and her husband, Craig, married, Krista was overjoyed. “The first twenty-four hours was bliss,” she says. “I was so in love and running off the high of just having given birth and holding my baby for the first time. Then she started to cry at night, and we didn’t know why.”

The crying began at the hospital and continued when the couple took their baby home a few days later. “I’ll never forget being home that first night and being completely exhausted. Craig was sound asleep —and I was upset that he got to sleep while I had to be awake with a crying baby —and I walked past the stairs of our townhouse in the middle of the night with a screaming baby in my arms.

“I glanced down the stairs and a thought crossed my mind that sent chills down my spine: If I throw her down the stairs, she’ll stop crying. I couldn’t believe that I actually had that thought, and it scared me to death. I knew I would never act on it, but the fact that the thought was even there horrified me. I woke Craig up and asked him to take over.”

OB-GYN Kevin Weary says, “A screaming kid that doesn’t stop screaming is difficult. The realization that ‘this is hard’ is okay. And there’s a time when you need to walk away. You need to say, ‘Tag you’re it. I’m going for a walk.’ Realize that you have a limit and when you’re being pushed to that limit. You need to have a plan.”

A plan may include placing your baby in his or her crib to “cry it out” when you need a break, or handing the baby over to your spouse and taking a short walk.

Dr. Weary likes to tell his patients a story about a night shortly after his twins were born. His wife walked into their darkened bedroom and saw their infant son lying safely on the floor, while her husband sat in the rocker.

He says he realized he needed a break and put the baby in a safe place so he could calm down. “She asked, ‘What are you doing?’” Dr. Weary recalls. “And I said, ‘He just needed a moment down there, and I needed a moment up here.’

“It’s when people ignore their limits that they get in trouble and do something they don’t want to do,” he says.

Krista realized that a combination of hormones and sleep-deprivation led to her crazy thoughts. But even after her daughter, Alainna, figured out her days and nights, things didn’t get better right away.

Choosing a Pediatrician

Before your baby is born, you will need to choose a pediatrician. Your pediatrician, or a doctor from his or her practice, will visit your baby in the hospital, and you will have several appointments in the days immediately following your baby’s birth.

Here are three things to consider when choosing your baby’s doctor:[4]

Gather recommendations. Ask parents you know for their recommendations. Ask them why they like their pediatrician to make sure your priorities are similar.

Research. In addition to finding out your doctor’s credentials, look into the office’s policies on vaccinations, hours of operation, and after-hours care. Our pediatrician’s office provides emergency care until 8:00 PM on weeknights, weekend hours, and a twenty-four-hour nurse line —services that give us greater peace of mind.

Interview. Plan to interview at least two pediatricians. Kevin and I only interviewed the top recommendation we received, which didn’t allow us to consider other options. While we liked the doctor, not doing our homework necessitated a switch later on when the practice didn’t meet our needs.

Remember that different parents gravitate toward different doctors. Many of our friends chose doctors based on relaxed vaccination policies and style of care. Kevin and I discovered that because we ourselves are laid-back, we prefer a more proactive doctor, one who acts quickly and decisively.

“She was a baby, which meant a lot was required of me,” Krista says. “I resented a lot of the things I had to give up for her, such as the freedom to do what I want when I want. I resented Craig for still seeming so ‘free.’ Here I was living my ‘dream’ and instead living in a world of resentment. I would find myself going through the motions of the day and feeling distant from my baby.

“I did have plenty of moments of bliss. But I was caught off guard by the survival mode I found myself in. So many moments would slip by, and I’d think, This is all I ever wanted. Why am I not happy? Why can’t I thoroughly enjoy this?”

Krista says there was no magical cure to her new-baby blues. Instead, “God gave me moment-by-moment grace. I looked for joy, I prayed for delight, and I begged for patience. God gave me just what I needed, but I was a surviving-in-the-moment mom.”

Krista now has four children, and her youngest is four. “Clara was my redo,” she says of her youngest child, who came five years after the first three. “I found so much intense joy and delight in her because I realize how fleeting it is. They aren’t in diapers forever; eventually you do sleep through the night on an extremely regular basis, everyone can go potty on their own, buckle their own seat belts, and read their own books.”

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

Jerusha Clark, author of Living Beyond Postpartum Depression, says she was trying to do everything “right” following the birth of her first daughter. She was running on a daily basis, eating healthy foods, and breast-feeding. She even had the opportunity to take a vacation to Hawaii when her daughter was six weeks old. “I felt like I was one of the lucky ones,” she says.

But when her daughter was three months old, Clark’s milk supply dried up unexpectedly. As feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed her, she was thrown into a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. In her book she writes:

A suffocating sense of failure and disappointment haunted me. . . . Though I didn’t realize it at the time, my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety extended far beyond breast-feeding.[5]

Feelings of failure led to sleepless nights, weight loss, and tears that wouldn’t stop —and eventually thoughts of harming herself and her baby. After a frightening trip to the ER and three days in a mental health facility, Clark began treatment for her severe postpartum depression (PPD). Once she started taking medication prescribed by the doctor and began receiving counseling from a marriage and family therapist, Clark began to improve. Within eight weeks she felt like herself again.

But six months after the birth of her second daughter, it happened again. Her milk supply dried up, initiating the vicious cycle that once again led to PPD. This time she was proactive and went back on antidepressants when she felt the sadness creeping in, but when she was feeling a little better, she stopped taking them without consulting her doctor.

The depression returned worse than before, and this time she nearly took her own life. God spared her, but Clark says she had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that it had all happened again. Still, God faithfully led her to the medical, spiritual, and emotional help she needed to recover, and she pulled out of the darkest season of her life.

According to The Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care, between 5 and 10 percent of women experience postpartum depression, which seems to be brought on by the changes in hormone levels that occur after pregnancy. Though there is no single cause for PPD, biological, emotional, and lifestyle factors may all play a role.

PPD can begin anytime during the first six months after childbirth. A mother with PPD may be so intensely depressed that she has difficulty caring for her baby, or she may develop extreme and unrealistic anxiety over the infant’s health.[6]

Dr. Weary says it’s normal for new mothers to feel overwhelmed. “The combination of exhaustion, changing hormones, sleepless nights, the stress of a new baby —that’s just a drastic, tough combination of hard things,” he says. “But if you’re having a hard time finding anything good, or you feel like, ‘I’m going down this dark drain and can’t seem to pull out,’ you need to talk with someone.”

(For more information on coping with postpartum depression, see Appendix III.)

BABY BLUES

Between 50 and 60 percent of women are affected by a lesser form of postpartum depression called “baby blues.” This common mood problem usually begins during the first week after delivery. According to The Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care:

Symptoms can include irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, insomnia, lack of energy, loss of appetite, and difficulty concentrating.[7]

Unlike postpartum depression, baby blues is a temporary physical and emotional slump, caused by hormonal changes following childbirth, and it usually fades away in two to three weeks.

My friend Kelsey, a pastor’s wife, remembers triumphantly taking her daughter to church three days after she was born. But the following Monday, when her mother-in-law called to ask how she was doing, Kelsey says, “I started to say, ‘I’m fine . . .’ but only got out ‘I’m fi —’ before I burst into tears. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. Within ten minutes she was at my house folding my laundry. I took a long nap, and it was just what I needed!”

The best remedy for baby blues is making sure you have plenty of support, eating and drinking regularly, and getting plenty of rest. But if depression persists for longer than three weeks or your symptoms worsen, you should consult your doctor.

LONG DAYS, SHORT YEARS

The first days of your child’s life may be some of your hardest, but they will also be some of your most precious. More importantly, they won’t last forever.

Ashley says she remembers lying on the floor of her son’s room when he was two weeks old and thinking, Oh my goodness. I will never be able to undo this. I am stuck for the rest of my life with a child. “I was already mourning the loss of (what I thought was) my awesome no-kid life,” she says. Today her son is two and a half. “Now I think, Oh my goodness. I only have a little time with this cute, wonderful human being. I would never ever want to go back to my life before him. Ever.”

Parenting, like marriage, often gets even better with time. Author Gary Thomas recently became an empty nester. “You need to have a long-term view of parenthood,” he says. He compares parenting to a marathon, where not all the training is fun, but the satisfaction is great.

“It’s when the marathon is over that you look back and see that the pain was a part of the fun,” he says. “It doesn’t feel fun, but when you look back, those will be really good years.”

The years go fast, Thomas says, and it’s easy to take them for granted in the midst of being tired and having greater responsibility. Still, he says, if God offered him the chance to have his children young again for just one weekend at the price of $10,000, he’d pay it.

“Watching your children grow is one of the greatest joys in life,” he says. “I can’t describe the feeling I had when my son made it to the state cross-country meet. He was once a little boy in diapers and a toddler running around the house. Now, he’d set a goal and achieved it. It was amazing.”

Thomas says that parenting also brings new joy and meaning to the marriage relationship. “People love romantic thrills, but I can’t describe how meaningful it is when you can sit together and watch God work in the lives of your children. It’s meaningful because you both love them so much.”

Thomas says that although there are many things he and his wife, Lisa, would do differently in their early parenting, they take satisfaction in raising their children in a home that stayed together.

“All my family books have sacred in the title,” Thomas says. “Sacred means you protect it. You protect your kids’ home by protecting the marriage. You decide: This is going to be a citadel. We’re going to create this safe, sacred space, and we’re going to defend it. It really is miraculous that God allows us to live in families. It’s a precious, precious thing.”

Someone has said of parenting, “The days are long, but the years are short.”[8] Never is that truer than during the early days of your child’s life. So go ahead —prepare for some sleepless nights and demanding days. But that’s not all. Get ready for something else —some of the best years of your life.

TIME TO TALK

• What do you imagine your first week with the baby to be like? Talk through some potential stresses with your spouse.
• What are your plans for feeding your baby? What sources of support are available if you are planning to breast-feed?
• What challenges do you anticipate during your first few weeks of parenting?
• What is your plan for when you’ve reached your emotional limit?
• What are some ways you can you embrace a “long-term view of parenting,” as Gary Thomas suggests?

Reflect on what you would like your first week home with the baby to be like. Pray that you will feel God’s peace and presence during your first week of parenting and beyond. Thank Him for the blessing of being a family.