CHAPTER SIX

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Surviving the Social Side of Pregnancy

We’ve established that as soon as you’re pregnant, plenty of people want to share their negative stories with you, as was the case for Kevin and me. That’s why at some point early on in my pregnancy, Kevin and I agreed not to listen to the naysayers.

We decided that since everyone’s experience is different, our experience might be more pleasant than the cup-half-empty types had described. And, wouldn’t you know it, it was. As we welcomed our son, I saw the best come out in my husband as he stepped up his game to help me care for our baby. And our first week as a family wasn’t overly challenging as people had warned, but warm and memorable, culminating with Christmas Day.

That doesn’t mean that there weren’t adjustments along the way. I remember a minor incident from the first week that demonstrated this. A few days after we arrived home from the hospital, Kevin and I were discussing how my brother-in-law would drive him to the mechanic for a car issue the next morning. It was a simple errand that just a week earlier I would have done. Now I felt like I couldn’t. I burst into tears —over driving to the mechanic!

When I explained how I felt, Kevin said, “You can drive me. We can put Josiah in his car seat, and you can go! This thing is what we make it.”

Though I let my brother-in-law complete the errand, my husband’s words were comforting. Things were going to change with a baby; I knew that. But we didn’t have to be restricted by other people’s experiences. How we moved forward as a couple and family would be up to us. And the same can be true for you!

LOSS OF PERSONAL SPACE

I’m convinced that whoever coined the proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” was intending from in utero. At least it seems that when “the village” learns a woman is pregnant, they immediately clamor to join in on the raising. When we announced our happy news, we quickly learned that people will give you advice (lots of advice). Some you might disregard; some you might take to heart. It’s your choice.

My wake-up call came when I was eighteen weeks pregnant —just beginning to show —and the twenty-something male cashier at my local grocery store remarked on my selections with a goofy grin, “Cravings, huh?” No matter that nothing in my meager grocery order was remotely out of the ordinary, he had an uncontrollable desire to acknowledge that I was “with child.” I am not the only pregnant woman to receive this kind of oddly familiar treatment. Here are a few other awkward pregnancy stories:

When I was eight months pregnant, my husband and I went to a concert. I walked into the bathroom, and this woman I didn’t know jokingly said (really loudly), “Well, we know what you’ve been doing!”

 —Ashleigh

At a gas station, a twenty-something guy shouted across the parking lot, “Whoa! You are huge! When are you due?” When I told him, “Any day now,” he proceeded to point me out to his brother.

 —Johanna

A lady at work, who I barely knew, came over, squatted down to my belly, and began speaking baby talk to it!

 —Amy

“Even strangers do weird things to pregnant women,” says OB-GYN Kevin Weary. “They come up and touch them. And they think it’s an invitation for personal conversations. It’s okay to find a way to say no and divert those conversations.”

Dr. Weary remembers a situation from his own wife’s pregnancy where a woman approached them in the mall and said, “Ooh, can I rub your belly? It’s good karma!”

“I wanted to say, ‘No, that’s called assault!’” he says, laughing.

And, in fact, Pennsylvania recently outlawed touching a pregnant woman’s belly without asking permission. It may sound like one of those wacky, outdated state laws —such as it’s illegal to wear a false mustache in church (Alabama) or wash your dentures in a public drinking fountain (Kansas) —but obviously it’s needed![1]

If we’re totally honest, for whatever reason, being pregnant seems to inspire the curiosity and participation of others. At some point during your pregnancy, you will very likely face some awkward moments and unsolicited advice.

Though these interactions can be a little (or a lot) annoying, the positive side is that pregnancy is a season when others are naturally drawn to you. And believe it or not, their openness to talk on a more personal level can instigate some good conversations that lead to opportunities to share Christ.

During my pregnancy, Kevin and I were able to befriend our neighbors, who were due to have a baby around the same time, and even invite them to church. That connection may have never formed had they not noticed my pregnant belly. Stay focused on the positive. My friend Amber shared with me, “It’s really fun looking obviously pregnant (rather than just wide). I’ve had a couple of older mamas and grandmas ooh and aah over my bump and give the sweetest advice and encouragement. I’m thankful for these moments!”

THE GRANDPARENTS

Lydia Harris, author of Preparing My Heart for Grandparenting[2] and grandmother of five, remembers the day she heard the news that she was going to be a grandma. “Our daughter and her husband invited us to meet them for dinner at a restaurant,” she says. “As we finished the meal, our daughter handed us a gift. Inside we found a photo frame inscribed with, ‘I love Grandpa and Grandma.’”

Harris says she and her husband were delighted by the unexpected announcement proclaiming their newest title as grandparents. “We appreciated knowing months beforehand about upcoming births so we could look forward to them,” she says. “It also gave us time to clear our calendar to help out if needed and spend time with our newborn grandchildren.”

Erin Smalley points out that finding special ways to include your baby’s grandparents in the pregnancy and birth can contribute to healthy relationships later on.

“You’re laying the groundwork and patterns that will be continuing throughout the years,” she says. “This is a time to honor and love. Your children are going to treat you the way they’ve seen you treat your parents.”

Harris adds that it’s helpful to remember that the birth of your baby is a momentous event for your parents. “When a child is born, a grandparent is also born,” she says. “When my husband and I stepped into the room to meet our first grandchild, we stepped into a new stage of life. Proverbs 17:6 says, ‘Children’s children are a crown to the aged.’ From God’s viewpoint, a coronation took place at our grandson’s birth. We were crowned grandparents!”

The benefits of fostering good relationships with your child’s grandparents are many, including childcare (if they live close by), a seasoned perspective, and even, in some cases, the spiritual training a grandparent can provide.

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Awesome Announcements

Finding a cute way to announce your pregnancy to “the grandparents” is a great way to include them in their grandchild’s life from the beginning.

Donna, an RN and grandmother of eight, says, “Grandchildren who develop relationships with grandparents have people besides their parents to encourage and rejoice with them over their childhood accomplishments. Grandparents add new perspectives and can sometimes provide experiences that parents cannot. Grandchildren have a place to go other than home where they are loved, accepted, safe, and can have fun. Sometimes they can share their problems with grandparents. They learn to value older people and the relationships they build with them. All this carries over into life as a strengthening force.”

Unfortunately, dealing with family does not always go smoothly. Pregnancy can be a stressful season, and relationships with extended family can intensify. Consider how you might respond to these real-life scenarios:

Min says that in her Korean culture, mothers-in-law have a bad reputation for being pushy and overbearing, so she was prepared for the worst. After the birth of Min’s first son, her mother-in-law, a longtime neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) nurse, came to the hospital for a visit.

“She came into the room, watched me breast-feeding, and told me I was doing it wrong,” Min says. Without warning, she then gave an up-close and physical demonstration of how to better squeeze out the milk. “She was used to this because she helps new mothers in the hospital,” Min says, “but I was not!”

Min recovered from the embarrassing moment, and her mother-in-law continues to be a regular part of her children’s lives. “I spend a lot of time listening to what she has to say. I may not agree with it or always want to hear it, but I try to be a listening ear.”

Justine has also dealt with outspoken in-laws. “My in-laws don’t mean to come across as critical,” she says, “but they also don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings if they think changes need to be made.” One day, shortly after Justine’s daughter was born, her husband’s family gathered at his grandmother’s house. “My daughter started crying because she was hungry, so I asked for her so I could feed her. My mother-in-law rolled her eyes and said the baby was just ‘exercising her lungs.’ Then she said, ‘Well, if that’s how you want to mother.’

“I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom —not because I needed to use it, but so I could have privacy to cry and pray for patience and strength.”

Erin Smalley notes that when family stresses arise, grace is paramount. “Remember that it’s such a gift to have the support and excitement of others,” she says. “And their intentions are typically good.”

She suggests that if you have a negative encounter with an in-law or parent, think of three to five positive things about the person to balance your feelings. “Often they’re just trying to help,” she says.

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Real Advice for New Parents

Your mother-in-law, friends, and nosy strangers may be full of advice on what you should be doing as a parent, but in the end, no one knows your baby better than you do. Find out what works for your family and your baby in the current phase, and be flexible to adjust your approach for the next phase.

 —Grace, mother of two

At the same time, mothers and fathers should remember that they have the ultimate say in their child’s life. “It’s okay for you to want something different,” she says. “Your opinion and conviction might be different than theirs. Be honoring and kind, but remember that you’re the parent.”

Dr. Greg Smalley adds, “As a couple, you may still be trying to figure out how to separate from your families and be your own family unit. Know that you’re the decision maker. You don’t need to get into power struggles.”

At the same time, he says, “See if you can accommodate what others need and want. Sometimes when our parents ask us to do things that might not be our first preference, we think, It’s not going to kill us to serve them.”

THE OTHER MOTHER

Speaking specifically about mothers-in-law, I’ve been blessed and thankful to have a good relationship with mine. (In fact, I wouldn’t be able to write this book without the free childcare she provides.) That doesn’t mean we always think or do things the same way. This truth became evident shortly after I married Kevin. One day, as I folded my husband’s undershirts, I discovered his last name professionally printed inside the collars.

When I asked him about this curious feature, he told me his mom had ordered them this way from the company (who knew you could?) so they would not get mixed up with anyone else’s or lost. My mother-in-law’s attention to detail was evident in this feature —and in her excellent housekeeping and organizational abilities.

I don’t excel in the same areas. And without grace and goodwill, I might become frustrated in my inability to compete. Instead, I try to focus on the way God has gifted us differently and the significant ways in which my mother-in-law has contributed to my husband’s life as well as our family’s.

I realize that not every mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is ideal. I’ve heard the horror stories of competition, clashing of wills, and uncut apron strings. And the truth is, some family relationships are just always going to be challenging. In tense moments, I’ve found it helpful to remember that just as God loves me and accepts me as part of His family, I am called to love my family —and that includes my husband’s family.

Perhaps you are approaching the birth of your baby with an already-strained relationship with your mother-in-law (or another family member). In her blog post “How to Live with, and Love, Your Mother-in-Law,” Erin Davis writes:[3]

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship seems to really get slippery when the next generation arrives. Suggestions about how to burp and diaper a new baby can turn into fighting words.

As encouragement, she points to the story of Ruth, who includes her mother-in-law, Naomi, in the celebration of her son’s birth. Davis writes: “Daughters-in-law, realize that your baby reminds your mother-in-law of her own babies and that she desperately wants to be a part of the celebration.”

HANDLE WITH CARE

As you get closer to welcoming your little one, anticipate that family members will want to be involved, and decide on the best ways to include them.

Greg Smalley emphasizes that there are times to set boundaries with loved ones —for their benefit and your own. “A boundary is put in place to keep your heart open to the other person,” he says. “If you get hurt and frustrated, your heart shuts down. So when you’re setting a limit with someone, you’re doing it to better love them, not to prohibit love.”

He suggests that couples discuss the details of how family will be involved on delivery day and the days that follow. “Talk to each other about your expectations and the realities of family dynamics,” he says. Some specific topics he recommends that couples discuss are:

“Bring your desires and expectations out in the open,” he says, “but plan to be flexible.”

Even though my sister was in town from another state when I delivered my son, my husband and I decided we only wanted the two of us and our doula in the delivery room during labor. But as my labor intensified and other family members relocated to the waiting room, I realized that my sister was filling a crucial role, bringing me water, speaking encouraging words, text-messaging my family, and helping Kevin make me comfortable. I asked her to stay, and her help was invaluable.

Another decision Kevin and I had to make was whether we wanted our first few weeks to be “just us” or to include visits from my out-of-state family. (His family lives nearby, and we would usually be together anyway.) Because Josiah would be sleeping in a bassinet in our room, we chose to leave a bed in the nursery (that had formerly been our guest room), so we could welcome overnight guests. Because Josiah was born a week before Christmas, Kevin and I decided that it would be a good time to have visitors while my parents and others had time off work.

YOUR INNER CIRCLE

As you prepare to welcome your little one, you can expect social dynamics to intensify with strangers, friends, and family. But be on the lookout for something else. Look for those people who are rooting for you and can be part of your support system.

“Surround yourself with those who will speak life and encouragement to you,” Greg says. “Hebrews 3:13 says we should encourage one another daily. There are only two places in the Bible where it says to do something every day: Take up your cross daily, and encourage one another daily. We need to be intentional to identify those who will encourage us.”

As you prepare to welcome your little one, take advantage of opportunities to build new relationships and strengthen existing ones. Cultivating healthy, strong relationships with “the others” who love your baby opens up long-lasting benefits for everyone.

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Real Advice for New Parents

Blogger and father of twins Matt Walsh puts it this way: “The problem is that anyone can easily describe the stressful things; the good things, on the other hand, are much more difficult to illustrate. Difficult only because they’re so deep and transcendent and immeasurable. I can tell you about the love, and the joy, and the beauty, but even those words fail to contain how I feel about my children.”[4]

TIME TO TALK

Ask God to use your pregnancy to bless those around you and strengthen your relationships with your families.