CHAPTER EIGHT

Fitting In and Finding Community

When I became a parent, it never crossed my mind that I might end up with a friend problem. I’d never had trouble making friends, but my journey from being single to married to mommy —all within two years —had caused my social life to suffer. Most of my friends were single and working, which worked out great when I could meet them for lunches and evening coffees. But all of that was about to change.

Although I was excited about the transition, I wasn’t prepared for the isolation I would face going from a full-time job to staying home with my baby. I didn’t understand how difficult it would be to maintain friendships with people whose social circles I no longer frequented. And when Josiah arrived, I soon learned that I could only survive for so long on Facebook “likes” before I felt like I was stranded on a desert island with only a volleyball . . . excuse me, an infant . . . for company.[1]

And to be honest, I didn’t really know how to engage with the “mommy culture.” I felt totally competent meeting with single women and offering them dating advice, or talking to writers about crafting an engaging article, but I felt at a total loss inserting myself into a conversation about what kind of diapers are best. I didn’t feel like an expert on being a mom, and that lack of confidence caused me to shy away from connecting with other mommy-types.

Kristy says she experienced something similar. Before her son was born, most of her friends were single. Then as a brand-new mommy, she suffered with postpartum depression. “Having friends helped, but they didn’t understand what I was going through,” she says. “I resented that I wasn’t able to just drop everything and go like I had before I had a baby. I think having other mommy friends in the trenches with me probably would’ve helped normalize some of the things I was thinking and feeling.”

FRIEND TRANSITIONS

Catherine Claire Larson, who left her job of seven years to stay home with her son, says she’s thankful she spotted a social change on the horizon.

“I remember a conversation I had with my husband while I was still pregnant,” she says. “I told him, ‘My peer group is going to be changing a lot in the next year. It’s going to go from primarily spending time with my work colleagues to really needing to dig into some new friendships that will be able to gird and guide me in the years ahead.’

“I remember pulling my pregnant belly under the table and saying, ‘Can we pray tonight that the Lord would give me some really good new mommy friends that I can call on and learn from?’” Larson says the Lord was faithful to provide those relationships in the form of other moms and mentors. “I’m glad that I had thought about it beforehand and prayed for those relationships,” she says.

BE INTENTIONAL

Here’s the thing: Community requires effort. As a woman, when you have an infant, joining a small group or even meeting a friend for coffee necessitates coordinating schedules, figuring out childcare, and doing what it takes to get out of the house (in my case, picking out a decent outfit and putting on makeup).

Women aren’t the only ones to feel a squeeze on their social lives. My husband says his social life decreased after our son was born because he felt a stronger obligation to be at home, supporting me. “Spending an evening hanging out with a buddy became a luxury I didn’t always feel I could afford,” he says. “I still don’t sometimes.”

But the Bible is clear that community needs to be a priority for believers. Consider what Hebrews 10:24–25 has to say: “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (ESV).

Real Advice for New Parents

When our first daughter was two, our church offered a parenting small group; that was a great benefit to us and the six other couples in our group. It was one of the most fun times we’ve ever had in a small group. Going through a good, solid parenting curriculum together can highlight some of your initial differences and really put you on the same sheet of music to start off parenting strong.

 —Matt, father of six

GIRLS NEED GIRLS

Women, in particular, need community with other women —especially in times of great transition. Erin Smalley, who wrote Grown-Up Girlfriends, says: “Female friendship does such amazing things for a woman’s personal well-being and her health and wellness. At no other time in life will you need girlfriends as much as with your first child. Hanging out with a girlfriend has been proven to cause a woman’s stress to decrease. Even when you are exhausted, tired, and worn out, one of the best things you can do for yourself is go and have a cup of coffee with a friend.”

I know from experience that this is something a new mom has to be intentional about. During my son’s first six months of life, I rarely got together with girlfriends. I thought I was doing okay and just wanted to spend the evenings with my husband, enjoying our baby together. Over time, this made me extraordinarily dependent on Kevin to meet all of my social and emotional needs —something that was impossible for him to do alone.

And while it may seem counterproductive to make the effort to go out when you’re tired and stressed, Erin explains why it’s not. “You don’t realize how much good going out with a girlfriend will do you,” she says. “It’s amazing the amount of energy you will regain to take care of your baby and your husband.

“Seek out mature, grace-filled girlfriends who are either sharing the same journey or maybe are one step ahead. Be willing to be vulnerable and share where you are really at emotionally. And call that person in those difficult moments when you need to vent, seek advice, or ask for help or prayer.”

Just for Him

His and Hers Community

Dr. Greg Smalley explains that one of the best things a man can do for his wife is make sure she gets some time with her friends. “The man needs to encourage his wife to have friends,” he says. “He might be feeling jealous that he’s not getting all the attention —and date nights are also important —but Erin and I encourage new dads to do everything in their power to help their wives spend time with friends. She has needs you’re not going to be able to meet as a man.”

A guy I used to work with would buy his wife gift cards to various coffee shops as Christmas or birthday presents with the specification that they were to be used for “coffee dates” with her girlfriends —babysitting included.

In addition to making sure their wives cultivate friendships, Joshua Rogers says new dads also need community. “Maintaining a social life since my children were born has required me to get creative about when I hang out with my guy friends,” he says.

Rogers, who already makes it a priority to go to the gym early each morning, says he has a workout buddy who is in the same stage of life. “This gives us an opportunity to catch up and get healthy at a time when our wives and kids don’t need us,” he says. “I also schedule lots of lunches with friends (it actually requires a line item in the budget), which has provided countless hours to catch up with friends.”

In addition to the gym and lunches, Rogers meets weekly with two other guys to “share the important details of our lives, confess our brokenness, and pray for each other. Basically, I squeeze my guy friends into all the spaces of time where my wife doesn’t need me. She appreciates their influence on my life and doesn’t feel like she’s having to compete for my attention.”

TRADING FACEBOOK FOR FACE TIME

Alysia went through a rough transition when her daughter was born. Dealing with a fussy, colicky baby was aggravated by spending time on social networking sites. “People only talk about the good things, not the hard things,” she says. “If your friends have ‘easy’ babies, that’s all you hear about. It’s hard when you see all these Facebook statuses about perfect babies; you just think, Must be nice.”

Alysia says that hearing about other people’s positive experiences made her wonder if something was wrong with her baby. When she met another mom (at a moms group at her church) who was going through the same thing, it was a turning point.

“I was blessed to find a fellow ‘fussy-baby mommy’ to connect with,” Alysia says. “It has been a huge blessing to be able to talk about what we’re experiencing with our babies and walk through being new moms together.”

She says realizing that she’s not alone has been helpful and encouraging. “And not believing everything you read on social media is huge,” she says. “Everyone always puts their ‘best face’ out there, but things aren’t always as good as they want you to believe.”

For men, the biggest social problem may be finding time to spend with their buddies (see suggestions in “His and Hers Community”). Between work and home responsibilities, a guy may feel like there’s no time left to connect with other men. When my husband needs some guy time, he often arranges for babysitting so that I can also have a break. Or we take turns watching the kids, so that each of us can spend time with a friend.

MOMS GROUPS

Last year, I decided I needed some “mom” friends (most of my friends were from my single years), so I joined a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at my church. Because I don’t excel at crafts or homemaking, I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t required to use a hot glue gun or bake muffins even once. In fact, I enjoyed the encouraging speakers and discussion time with the women at my table.

“Being a mom is a tremendously big job, and it can be very, very scary,” says Sherry Surratt, CEO and president of MOPS International. “It’s natural to think, I don’t know what I’m doing. You need people to talk to about your worries who can say, ‘I understand, and you’re going to be okay.’”

View from the Nursery

From Isolation to Community

by Jill Kinsey Hadley

When my son was four months old, I was a first-time mom in the thick of postpartum depression. I had been unsuccessful in breast-feeding my son, and I struggled with not being able to do something that was supposed to be natural.

For his first six months of life, I used a breast pump four times a day and fed him with a bottle. Although this was beneficial for him, it was isolating for me. With the time it took to pump milk, feed, and change my baby, there was little time remaining to actually get out of the house before the process had to begin again.

Adding to my feelings of isolation, my husband and I had moved five hours away from our family and friends just a year before I became pregnant. And though we had joined a small group at our church, most of the women there were closer to my mom’s age than mine.

I first heard about MOPS from my sister-in-law, whose son was a year older than mine. Then a friend at church invited me to attend a meeting with her. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into that first meeting, and I was a little overwhelmed. Getting myself ready and packing up my son and all of his “stuff” required a lot of coordination.

I was immediately greeted by my table’s “mentor mom,” who showed me where to sit and introduced me to the women at my table. My table leader asked me to come over to her house the very next week —something I will never forget.

After that first meeting, I was sold. I wanted to be part of a group that encouraged me as a first-time mom who felt clueless. The thing that helped me the most during that first year was simply listening to others at my table talk about all that had happened while they were trying to get ready to come to the meeting. It became evident that no matter how crazy I thought my morning was, someone else had a tougher time getting there! There was a sense of camaraderie, and I looked forward to my table leader calling me during the week to check in.

I am in my eighth and final year of MOPS. I have served as a table leader and part of the Steering Team for the past few years. It’s been through serving and planning that MOPS has become an integral part of my life. I developed lifelong friendships, and I learned that women need other women. I learned the power of both prayer and laughter. I learned that I was capable of serving and blessing others despite the fact that I didn’t have it all together myself.

Surratt points out that mothers of young children face particular challenges other moms do not, such as feedings, nap times, and potty training. “Her life can be isolating as she spends a lot of time in the home, just her and the children,” she says. “That raises the need for friendships, connection, help, and advice.”

MOPS meetings, which take place on a biweekly basis, consist of a meal or a snack, a speaker, time to chat with other moms, and sometimes a “Pinteresty” project. The ministry of MOPS serves a mom from the time she has a newborn until her youngest child has started school.

“You need to start thinking about a MOPS group while you’re expecting,” Surratt says. “When you bring your first baby home, you instantly need a support group around you. Mothering is too hard to do alone. And why should you, when there are so many moms out there ready to help?”

The ultimate goal of MOPS, Surratt says, is that moms would take the next step in their relationship with Christ. “My favorite thing about MOPS is that it gives every mom the opportunity to hear about how much God loves her,” she says. “God has an incredible plan for her life. Ultimately MOPS is about letting God make us into better moms.”

For the reasons I listed earlier, I felt intimidated by moms groups and worried that I wouldn’t fit in. Along with MOPS, many churches offer other mom support groups and mentorship opportunities. Find out what your church offers and get involved. You may also want to join a community group, such as Stroller Strides or a library reading group, as a means to form relationships outside of the church.

Julie says that, when she stayed home with her daughter, God led her to a friend right in her own neighborhood. “On one of my first walks around the local park, I met another mom, and we became friends,” Julie says. “She and her husband were not Christians, and I prayed for nine years for them to find Jesus —even after they moved away.”

Two years ago, Julie was delighted when every member of that family accepted Christ. “I was blessed to be a part of their journey to find Jesus,” she says. And it all began with finding a friend.

If you’re having a hard time finding a group where you feel like you fit, consider starting your own group. I discovered that because I went from a long-standing career directly to being a stay-at-home mom, I had some specific needs and stresses that many other moms didn’t share. Through Facebook I gathered a list of other local women in my same situation, and we began meeting for breakfast once a month. It was a relief and an encouragement to talk to other moms who understood exactly what I was going through.

View from the Nursery

A Different Kind of Community

by Elsa Kok Colopy

As a single mom of a toddler, I felt lost.

Life had taken an unexpected turn, and now I was responsible for all the parenting duties on my own —doctor’s appointments, bedtime, childcare. I felt broken, helpless, and overwhelmed. Along with that, I faced financial battles, loneliness, and a deep sense of insecurity.

I hadn’t been to church in a long time, but one day I walked into a small city church in search of hope and help. God was gracious. He brought some older women into my life who began to teach me about God’s character and love for me.

Change didn’t come easily. Not everyone was kind toward my situation, and I wasn’t always kind to myself. But when I really looked, I could see the grace of God in the eyes of some joyful, contagious believers, and their love for me began to make a difference. I showed up to their Bible studies and let them into my world —as messy as it felt to do so.

I began to grow in my faith, but it was the loneliness that seemed toughest to shake. At night when my daughter was in bed, the quiet of my home felt painfully hollow. I knew I needed more than a once-a-week Bible study —I needed friendship, family, and a place to belong. That hunger drove me to reach beyond myself and invite some other single moms to gather at my home.

It was a big deal to let them see the layers of dust or the sink full of dishes, but that small group of women became my lifeline. We’d get together for dinner and then let the children watch a movie in the bedroom while we talked of life and faith in the living room. God showed up and bonded us together, using us to pour out His love into each other’s lives.

During the twelve years I was a single mom, God transformed my family. From showing up to church in search of help, my daughter and I came to a place of helping others. The journey wasn’t perfect, but ultimately God took the most challenging circumstance of my life and showed me His heart, His love, and His care in a way that changed everything.

COMMUNITY FOR TWO

Along with seeking out friendship and connection individually, couples should consider engaging in community together. Mark Holmen, founder of Faith@Home Ministries, suggests that parents participate in small groups with other believers. While he recommends that dads and moms seek out community individually, he also encourages couples to attend a group together, if possible.

“When our daughter was a baby, we were in a small group where everyone had just had their first child,” he says. “We did life together; we learned together and experienced it together.”

Another way new parents can engage in community is to find a mentor couple. When Holmen and his wife were expecting their daughter, he noticed a couple, Dave and Jean, who worked in the youth ministry at his church. They had a good relationship with their teenage daughters, and he thought, That’s what I want!

Holmen and his wife, Maria, asked the couple to be their daughter’s godparents. And through the years, Holmen and his wife would consult Dave and Jean for advice.

“Put your ‘go-to’ people in place beforehand,” Holmen suggests. “You may have your own parents, but sometimes you need that neutral person.”

Some of the challenges Kevin and I faced socially when our son was born could have been prevented if we had been proactive about discovering where we would fit in and find community after his birth. Three years later, we’re finally being intentional about establishing community —particularly with others in our life stage and those a few steps ahead.

But finding community certainly doesn’t require discarding existing friendships. Julie, who had to build a new network of friendships when she left her job to stay home with her first daughter, says, “Ask God to help you cultivate relationships that reflect His heart.”

Those friendships may not always be with those in your exact life stage, she says. “I still do coffee with several of my former co-workers regularly —some are single and some are married without children. I also have friends who are better at the homemaking thing than I am, and I’ve learned aspects of godliness from them, too. Dropping extra requirements for friendships opens up doors when you listen to the Lord.”

TIME TO TALK

• Who makes up your primary community —both individually and as a couple —right now? Do you anticipate that changing when the baby is born?
• Do you need to invest in some new friendships to ensure that you have community following your child’s birth?
• What are some ways you can engage in community as a couple?
• How can you be proactive now to make sure both of you have community and friendship following your baby’s birth?
• Are there any doors for friendship or community that you may have not considered?

Take some time to pray about the relationships God has for you as you enter into this new season of life. Ask Him to provide friends and mentors who can support and encourage you.