CHAPTER NINE

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Parents in Training

When I was single, I had this idea that I’d turn into a different person when I got married. I’d be more domestic and given to fits of hospitality. I’d be gentler and possess more wisdom. I’d spend more time being productive and less time watching TV.

Essentially, I imagined my flaws would be gone, or greatly decreased, and I would have a whole new set of “wifely” characteristics.

Kevin imagined that he would stay the best version of himself —that the sweeping romantic gestures he made while we were dating would continue on into infinity. And obviously he would always hang on my every word and stare deeply into my eyes without distraction. “I thought that as my wife’s knight in shining armor, my armor would always shine,” he says.

Our glorified views of our own marital success didn’t happen . . . exactly.

Despite that fact, the transition into being husband and wife was fairly seamless. We were still ourselves (which was good, since we each remained the person the other had fallen in love with), just with new roles and responsibilities.

Sure, I had to learn some new things —like how to provide dinner for a hungry man each night (cereal just wasn’t going to cut it), but for the most part, I continued to be me. And I happily discovered that I could actually use some of my talents to bless Kevin. I helped him write a cover letter that got him an interview for a job he really wanted and eventually got. I applied my communication skills to listen to him verbally process his day and offer him counsel. And my naturally laid-back and fun-loving disposition, which was similar to his, allowed us to enjoy refreshing evenings together after busy workdays.

The downside of continuing to be me was that I did not magically develop the skill set of a wife —or at least the skill set I believed a wife should possess —skills like planning and preparing healthy meals, keeping Kevin’s shirts ironed, and making our house a home.

In fact, our first Christmas together, Kevin helped me create a beautiful nativity scene on the mantel, complete with snowy flocking, and we turned our modest townhome into a Christmas wonderland. When my mom came to visit —her first visit since I’d married —she remarked, “Wow! This place looks better than it ever has.”

After a quick pause, I quipped, “I guess it just needed a man’s touch.”

The point is, I didn’t excel at home décor or gourmet cooking before marriage, and I didn’t naturally master these things because I became a wife. Things I had struggled to be disciplined doing as a single continued to be a challenge. And activities I didn’t enjoy doing before marriage didn’t magically become my new favorites.

Kevin experienced a similar reality check. “Going back to the example of a knight in shining armor,” he says, “I didn’t realize I’d have to polish my armor so often. The pressure of putting someone else’s needs ahead of my own 24/7 could be exhausting. Work distractions, laziness, and selfish desires dulled my armor. I quickly realized it was going to take effort to keep it shiny.”

Then came parenthood.

Similar to becoming husband and wife, Kevin and I assumed that when our baby arrived, we would become different people. Well, or at least some parental superpowers would kick in. I would suddenly be overtaken with motherly instinct and love caring for this tiny person, and Kevin (who loves to sleep) would eagerly rise at all hours of the night to help me care for our precious bundle.

I’d heard of such things happening. One new mom I know posted on Facebook one week into motherhood: “I finally feel like I am doing what God created me for.” That’s what I expected to feel.

Another friend told me, “I’m only two weeks in, but so far motherhood is the most miraculous experience of my life.”

And she’s not wrong. There are certain wonderful perks to the job of being a mom (or a dad). Among the most satisfying for me is going into my son’s room first thing in the morning. He practically bursts with joy at the sight of me, eager to give me hugs and kisses. No human in my entire life has been that excited about me (though my husband has come close). I enjoy this part of motherhood because it revolves around relationship.

Similarly, Kevin loves coming home at the end of a workday and having our eighteen-month-old daughter crawl up into his lap to tell him a story in gibberish.

Unfortunately, neither of us relishes the manual labor part.

My sister-in-law, Anna, on the other hand, truly doesn’t mind cutting fruit into little pieces, reading children’s books, and wiping little noses. Describing her experience of staying home with her first baby, she says, “I enjoyed holding him, cuddling him, and being close to him. Even changing diapers and cleaning up all of the spit-up were just matter-of-fact chores that needed to be done, and I never really tired of them.”

I did. In fact, the daily “mechanics” of being a mom is where my enthusiasm for parenting wanes. I vividly remember one Saturday morning when my son was six months old. Missing my pre-baby Saturday morning routine of sipping a cup of coffee while catching up on reality TV shows, I strapped that little towhead into his high chair, sprawled dramatically on the couch, and moaned, “I don’t want to feed him.”

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Baby Shopping List

The list of things you could buy for your new little one is endless. But remember, you really only need a few things right at the beginning. In addition, parents vary on what they consider essential. Some couldn’t live without the scented diaper bin, while others find it a waste of money and space. I depended on my changing table, but some moms prefer the mobility of a changing pad.

Try interviewing a few parents of young children to find out what you really need during those first few months.

Here’s a basic list to get you started:

1. Infant car seat[1]

2. First outfits (between ten and twenty changes of clothes)

3. Diapers and wipes

4. Crib, bassinet, or co-sleeper

5. Receiving blankets

6. Rubbing alcohol (for umbilical-cord care)

7. Infant bathtub

8. If breast-feeding: nursing bra, nursing pads, and nipple cream

9. If bottle-feeding: bottles, nipples, and bottlebrush

10. Stroller or sling

Baby feedings aren’t my thing.

My husband reminded me that I did, in fact, need to feed our offspring, and he then served me by doing the job himself. There have been times where I think both Kevin and I have felt like failures as parents or like we’re not up to the task. But then I remember that God gave me my husband and children for a specific reason —so that we could bring Him glory as a family.

THE “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILY

Roy Baldwin, director of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family, says it’s common for parents to doubt their parenting abilities or worry they’re going to mess up their kids. “But that kind of thinking is void of the understanding that we have a Creator who loves us and has designed us and realizes that we have our flaws,” he says. “We need to take ownership. Our role is to do life with our kids imperfectly —but to God’s glory.”

Baldwin, who spent twenty years working with at-risk youth, notes that intentionality seems to be the main factor that separates on-track families from those who end up in broken places.

Many of the families he worked with during his time at group homes were not all that different from the families he encountered at church on Sunday or even his own family at times. He realized that the majority of those parents loved their children and had started out with good intentions and great hopes for their families.

“There was some kind of life situation or circumstance that created a massive stress point in their family, and they weren’t able to overcome it,” he says.

This discovery led Baldwin to study what makes a family successful from God’s perspective. He says while it doesn’t reference parenting specifically, Ephesians 4:1–3 provides a starting point for defining a successful family:

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Just as each Christ-follower has received a calling, each family has also received a calling, Baldwin says. “What’s beautiful is that this looks different from family to family because our callings are all different.”

Families must also seek to continually develop the characteristics mentioned in the Ephesians passage —humility, gentleness, patience, long-suffering, and love.

“That’s the kind of home we should strive for,” Baldwin says. “I need to approach my wife and children with patience and love and aim for maintaining unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace in our home. When we’re in alignment with His call and His will, things fall into place, and we find favor.”

Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, adds: “I think it’s important for new parents to remember that ‘successful’ parenting is not perfect parenting. Every family has issues; every parent makes mistakes. Parenting seems much more manageable when we abandon the idea of doing it right every time. That’s an unattainable standard.

“At the same time, I think moms and dads should certainly set goals for themselves as new parents. First and foremost, they should resolve to be an active and constant presence in their kids’ lives. Too many of us get caught up in careers, responsibilities, and the rat race, and we miss the chance to truly be there for our kids when it matters.”

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Forty Developmental Assets

In 1989, the Search Institute found that forty factors contributed to the development of healthy, caring, and responsible young adults. These elements include:

Roy Baldwin says his team uses this tool to help parents be intentional about raising children who will avoid problem behaviors as they grow and become healthy, capable, motivated adults.

“The Search Institute surveyed more than 3 million children,” Baldwin says. “The more of these forty assets a child has, the research found, the more leadership the child showed, and the healthier his or her relationships were.”

Instead of seeing the assets as pressure to complete a checklist, Baldwin suggests that parents think of the list as a starting point for the good things they desire to build into their kids. “These things are intuitive,” he says. “What if God designed you to be able to provide these elements? Truth is truth, and God designed it.”

For more information on the forty assets, go to http://www.capablekids.com/.

FAITH AT HOME

The moment my son was born, I realized my greatest fear in life: that he might not accept Jesus as his Savior. I felt a sense of terror and helplessness at the lack of control I had over one of my child’s most important life decisions. My husband and I had brought into the world a soul with a free will to either respond to or reject God’s offer of salvation.

While conducting research among expectant parents for this book, I learned that one of the top fears of first-time Christian moms is that their children will rebel as teenagers. Talk about thinking ahead! But I can relate. Like many things in life —finding a spouse, securing a fulfilling career, not getting cancer —I find myself wishing that there was a step-by-step formula for ensuring that my children will love Jesus.

Instead, as Baldwin pointed out, the Bible provides major principles, but each parent and family must figure out how to enact them.

Mark Holmen, founder of Faith@Home Ministries and the Extreme Family Makeover parenting seminar, emphasizes that parents need to concentrate on their own spiritual health in order to pass on faith to their children.

“The research shows that Mom and Dad are going to be two to three times more influential than anything else when it comes to spiritual development,” he says. “As the parent’s faith goes, so goes the faith of the child. For a lot of people, Christianity is a one-hour thing; it’s not something that is lived. It needs to be a 24/7 lifestyle, not just going to church on Sunday morning. We need to be in a place where we truly love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength and where we’re connected with other believers.”

Small groups and meeting with mentors are two ways Holmen suggests that couples build community with other believers. But even with a great support system, he says, the responsibility of spiritually guiding your children can be daunting. “Don’t feel like you have to get it all straightened out before you have a child,” he says. “A lot of times, you straighten it out after you have a child. It’s good for your kids to see you grow and see you change. Continue to follow God’s lead and get better —get stronger.”

And don’t underestimate the power of a little training. One study found that parents who take parenting classes produce better outcomes in their children than those who don’t receive such training —and the more training and education, the better the outcomes.[2]

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Praying for Baby

Amber and her husband, Dan, pray for their soon-to-be-born son every day. “When we pray, our hearts become more connected to and invested in him,” Amber says. It’s never too early to begin praying for your child. Here are a few specific things to bring before the Lord:

Along with parenting seminars, Faith@Home provides parenting booklets for moms and dads that include specific instructions on establishing a faith culture in the household in areas such as family devotions and prayer.

LEADING SPIRITUALLY

Right now the biggest parenting concerns on your mind probably revolve around feeding options and choosing the right diapers. The real work of spiritually guiding your child is still a few years away. That doesn’t mean it’s too early to begin thinking about your strategies and setting a foundation.

Dr. Tedd Tripp, author of Shepherding a Child’s Heart, suggests an approach to parenting that gets to the heart of the matter.

“In shepherding the heart of my child, I’m not just concerned about managing behavior, but also about helping my child understand the heart issues —the things going on inside those push and pull behaviors,” Dr. Tripp says. “As Christians we have incredibly rich resources for understanding motivations. The Bible helps us discern the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Dr. Tripp suggests helping even very young children to understand sinful attitudes, such as pride, selfishness, and envy, by speaking “the language of the heart.”

“Think of a three-year-old who knocks over his younger sister and takes her toy,” he says. “Obviously that’s behavior that needs to be corrected, but instead of just saying, ‘No, no! That’s bad,’ I can use the language of the heart and say, ‘You’re not being kind. You’re only loving you; you’re not loving her.’

“As I use those biblical ideas to help children understand what’s motivating them, it powerfully opens up the way for the gospel as I point them to Christ as the forgiver of sins.”

An added benefit of this approach, Dr. Tripp says, is that parents develop solidarity with the child in their shared sinfulness. “There’s no sin my children commit that I’m not familiar with myself,” he says. “I know every sin that they do personally. The reason I can face those struggles is because God sent His Son into the world to die to forgive me. And there’s grace and forgiveness —for me and my child.”

Dr. Tripp says that while a young child may not fully grasp the concepts you’re reinforcing, you are creating a foundation for teaching biblical truth and revealing who God is as your child grows.

“How we talk about God is such an important aspect of parenting,” Dr. Tripp says. “We need to bring the greatness of God and His attributes to our kids. We should be dazzling them with who God is and deepening that as they get older.”

At Sonrise Mountain Ranch, nestled deep in the mountains of Colorado, Matt McGee and his wife, Chantal, encourage couples who attend their marriage and family camps to consider what will matter to them at the end of their lives. They call this exercise “The View from the Rocking Chair” (which is also the title of McGee’s book), because they ask people to visualize sitting on a porch in a rocking chair at the end of their lives and asking, “With most of my life behind me, what will be most important?”

“When people slow down to take stock of what will be most significant to them in the future, it’s the relationships with their spouse and with their children —and those people’s relationships with the Lord,” McGee says.

Every choice a person makes, he says, no matter how small, costs something. “Someone said the great American lie is that you can be it all, you can do it all, you can have it all,” he says. “There are not too many parents I’ve met who believe that. They realize —and sometimes it’s a hard realization —that something will suffer based on their choices. The question is: What will it be?”

McGee says he encourages parents to decide what their top priorities will be and then make daily decisions that reflect those values. “God’s got the plan,” he says. “He’s not saying, ‘You come up with the plan.’ He knows what we’re supposed to do with our marriage and with our kids. Our job is to receive and say, ‘We commit to His plan.’”

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Real Advice for New Parents

As parents, my wife and I try to make what we call “story decisions.” We bought an old house in an older neighborhood because the kids could walk to school. Could we have bought a slightly newer or bigger house? Yeah, maybe. But the story they’re going to tell in their thirties is, “We used to be able to walk to school.” The story they’re not going to tell is, “We grew up with ample closet space.”

Parent in a way that creates the kind of story you want your children to tell.

 —Jon Acuff, father of two

MAKING A PARENTING PLAN

Greg Gunn of Family-iD has helped hundreds of families write their own individual “mission and vision statement.”

“As a businessman I knew the incredible importance of having a business plan,” he says, “a strategy that allowed everyone in the company to be on the same page. Having written goals helped me run an effective business. But somehow I thought the things I wanted to have happen at home would just happen by accident with no plan, strategy, or effort.”

Once he discovered this disconnect, Gunn not only wrote a mission statement for his own family, but he founded Family-iD to help other families do the same. He says research shows that people are more likely to accomplish their goals when they write them down. “And if the vision comes from God,” he says, “there’s a 100 percent chance you’ll accomplish it.”

Gunn suggests that couples write down specific characteristics they would like to see in their future family. “It’s like an artist’s rendering of what you want this building to look like,” he says.

Family-iD has been helping families put their mission, vision, and values in writing for seventeen years. Gunn says, “Vision creates passion. Passion gives you power to be disciplined. And discipline gives you the courage to totally commit.”

Gunn has a hard time not getting carried away when he begins talking about his own family’s mission statement, which has come to fruition as his children have grown into teenagers. “We wrote down fifteen qualities we wanted our children to have by the time they were fifteen. We were laughing while we were writing them, thinking, There’s no way! And they became those things. If you write it down, and God’s behind it, it will happen.” (A free video and workbook for creating a family mission statement are available at Family-iD.com.)

Uncovering the plans God has for you as parents is an exciting endeavor. At times, it will also be messy, uncomfortable, and stretching. “You’re going to have to learn to serve like you’ve never served before,” says author Gary Thomas. “Your heart is vulnerable and exposed like it has never been before. You learn to care for someone like you’ve never cared before.

“If we embrace this, it really does finish the work of marriage. You learn how to love this child, faults included. Parenthood calls us to even deeper Christlikeness.”

Matt McGee adds, “The best seminary in the world is having children. I’ve learned more about God and His love for me through having children and watching what they do and my reaction to them.”

In our three years of being parents, Kevin and I have discovered that we are still ourselves. (You wouldn’t believe how comforting that is at times!) While there are days I long to be supermom —and I’m sure Kevin longs to have the shiniest armor on the block —I know God created me with my strengths and weaknesses, just as He created my husband with his. And here’s the amazing thing: God has chosen our children to receive both the good and bad of us. I don’t have to be someone I’m not. I am fully myself —and I am fully a parent. The two don’t have to be separated.

Perhaps God knows that our children need more communication and goofy playtime with Mommy and Daddy and less of a variety of solid foods or enriching art projects. Not only does He know exactly what our children need, He has also chosen my husband and me to be the ones who will have the greatest earthly influence on who they become.

That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to grow and improve in my areas of weakness; I am. And marriage and motherhood are precisely the things God is using to force me out of my comfort zone and take me to the next level. But I’m also very aware that He knows what He’s doing in giving me precisely the husband and the children He has. He knows your family, too, and the kind of parent He’s created you to be. The parent only you can be.

TIME TO TALK

Reflect on the amazing fact that God has chosen you to be a parent! Ask that He would help you to be intentional in your parenting and that you would be in receiving mode as He reveals His plans to you.