“So this is it,” I said to myself in the mirror of the ladies’ toilets. I smoothed my hair and ran a finger over my eyebrows to give them a lift before taking off the ballet pumps and leaving them neatly under one of the sinks. I felt incredibly calm as I walked down the corridor, the floor cold and smooth against my bare feet.

A nurse was coming out of the room and I caught the door before she managed to close it behind her. We had a bit of a tug of war. She checked along the bottom to see why it had momentarily jammed and I slipped through.

I hadn’t bothered to peek in at the little window to see who was involved in the evening vigil because I knew it wasn’t Gran or Jamie. I’d left them at home so it was bound to be Mum and maybe Dad too, if I was lucky. I wanted them both to be there. Of course, if my medical state had suddenly deteriorated it could have been all four of them. Gran and Jamie could easily have driven to the hospital in half the time it took me to make my way back there.

My brother was perched on the window sill and again I felt that pulsating where my heart should be. I was obviously a lot worse. As I dared to look at my shell, there was someone else sitting next to my body and it was someone I wouldn’t have expected to see there in a million years. It was Will. In one hand he held a small brown teddy bear. It had a white satin heart stitched to its tummy embroidered with the words ‘Get Well Soon’ and, as he leaned forwards, Will’s other hand was almost touching mine.

I just stood in the middle of the room, feeling as if I was taking part in the best dream and worst nightmare, all rolled into one. He looked absolutely amazing. His hair was all tousled and he was wearing blue jeans with a rip at the knee and a black and white checked shirt.

Why was he here? Why now? I should have felt dizzy with happiness but suddenly I felt really weary and leaned back against the wall to steady myself. Where was Mum? Did she know that Will was here? How could Jamie do this to me? I couldn’t bear Will’s last memory of me to be so gruesome. I forced my eyes away from his concerned face and studied my shell, prepared for the worst. I was surprised. There was a definite improvement. My skin looked smoother, my eyelashes had lost that desiccated look and my lips were properly pink. Despite that, I still looked as bland as a blancmange. It was as if someone had stolen my essence. I didn’t look like the sort of person you remember for your entire life, and I did want Will to think about me from time to time.

I wondered how long he’d been sitting by my bed and could have kicked myself for not getting there earlier. I pressed my forehead in frustration and my elbow knocked against the light switch.

“How did that happen?” Will gasped as the lights went off and then on again.

Jamie’s eyes widened and he lifted his hands up in the air.

“Weird things have been happening all week,” he said. “I’ve been going into Jess’s bedroom every day to feed Sam and things have been changing places.”

“That’ll be your mum or your gran,” Will replied.

His fingers were almost touching mine, edging closer, a centimetre at a time. Was he doing that unconsciously or didn’t he want Jamie to notice? “I don’t think so. Dad won’t let anyone move a thing. He says everything must be left just as it is for when Jess comes home. Gran doesn’t go in there much. She finds it too upsetting, and Mum just sits on the bed and stares into space. It’s as if…”

“What?” Will prompted.

Jamie laughed nervously.

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Of course not,” Will replied.

“It’s as if Jess has been there, in her room. It’s not just the things moving. I can sort of feel her presence.”

I made a little whistling sound with my breath – my brother, the intuitive one. That was another surprise. Jamie gestured towards the bed.

“It’s weird, isn’t it? She looks like Jess but at the same time there’s something missing.”

They both stared at my body as if they were trying to look through my outer covering and into my core. Will’s fingers stroked the sheet. Our skin was a millimetre apart now. If I could just stretch out… maybe it would be like the magic kiss in fairy tales. Maybe Will could save me. Even at this stage, that bit of hope was stuck to my aura like the most stubborn of sticky labels.

“She was here,” Jamie interrupted my daydream, “until a few days ago. Then, one afternoon I turned up and something was different. It was as if – as if she’d already gone.”

His voice trailed away. They sat in silence until it was broken by my brother’s sobs. I’d never heard him cry like that before.

“Why does it take losing someone to make you realise how much they mean to you?” he choked. “Why couldn’t I admit to her how special she is? Why couldn’t I just show her how much I loved her instead of arguing with her all of the time?”

“It’s not just you, Jamie,” I cried from deep inside. “It was me too. I could have said those things to you.”

“She knows, Jamie,” Will said. “If she could talk she’d be saying exactly the same thing to you too.”

Wow! How spooky was that?

“You really think so?” Jamie gulped.

Will dragged his fingers through his hair and looked down at me tenderly.

“Yes, I do,” he said, and I loved him in that moment, truly loved him. It wasn’t some adolescent crush. It was a lasting love, a love that would endure whatever he did because I knew that he understood me and that he could never, ever deliberately hurt me.

Will got up and went to pat Jamie on the shoulder. My brother dragged his sleeve across his eyes and I took the opportunity to slip back into my body. It wasn’t as easy as I’d expected. It was as if I’d become too big for my shell, like folding up a sleeping bag and squeezing it back into its sack. I wondered if I’d burst at the seams.

“I’ve got to go,” Will said. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Not meeting someone, are you?” There was a teasing but anxious note in Jamie’s voice. I tensed.

“Don’t worry. I won’t fall for that one again – not that she’ll try it. I made it quite clear that I wasn’t interested, not in the way she was hoping for anyway.”

My heart felt as if it was soaring away towards the ceiling. How could I feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

“I’ve got to practise my guitar for a lesson tomorrow. That’s a lot safer,” Will said.

“No strings attached,” Jamie joked.

Will and I groaned together. That was more like the Jamie we knew and tolerated.

“Can I visit again?” Will asked. I sensed him move back to my side.

“If you like.” Jamie was so unenthusiastic, I could have hit him. Of course Will could visit, every day if he wanted to – except that there wouldn’t be any more days.

“Kelly’s been asking to come too and the rest of her friends. I think Mum and Dad might agree now that Mrs Baxter’s spoken to them. She said the girls really needed to see Jess.”

“Thanks, Mrs Baxter,” I said in my head. “I owe you. I just wish you’d said something before.”

“I bet Jess really wants to have them here too,” Will said.

“Yes, yes, yes,” my brain called out. I do. If only my parents had listened to him, if only Mrs Baxter had intervened earlier, my friends might have been able to sit around my bed and entertain me. Maybe they’d have been able to pull me back from the brink and I’d never have got to this stage, but then I’d never have been through the last few days, never learned all of those lessons in living. Sometimes, some things are meant to be.

Will sat back in the chair and I knew that he was looking down at me.

“I’d have been before, you know,” he said softly. I knew he was talking to Jamie but it felt as if he was saying it to me too. “But obviously your parents do what they think is right. I really want to help, any way I can. If you want someone to come and sit with her, I’m more than happy.”

“Thanks for the teddy bear,” Jamie said. “Jess would love that, especially if she knew it was from you.”

“You think?” Will asked.

“Of course,” my brother replied. “She’s always had a bit of a thing for you. I thought you knew that.”

So Jamie did know how I felt after all. I wondered what Will was doing now, what he was thinking. Was he blushing like me?

“I’m quite into her too,” Will murmured.

I felt the air part as he leaned towards me.

“Bye, Jess,” he murmured. “See you soon.”

Then, before I had the chance to register what was happening, he had dusted my forehead with the lightest of kisses, right in front of my brother. His breath was cool and fresh, like the seaside on a beautiful, breezy day. It was awesome.

I’d waited my whole life for a moment like that. I wanted to reach out with my arms, to touch those fingers that were irresistibly close to mine. I tried so hard to move my hand. “Move, will you, move,” I instructed my joints, my muscles, my tendons. “This is the first and last opportunity you’ve got to touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin next to yours.”

I concentrated really hard and imagined the messages travelling from my brain to my fingers. I almost felt as if my arm was extending and contacting with the slight sandpaper-dryness of his fingertips as they met mine.

“Oh my God!” Will leapt up, almost pushing the chair over. “She moved! She touched my hand!”

His shoes squeaked slightly on the floor as he spun around.

“I didn’t imagine it, did I?” Will shouted.

I’d already heard Jamie spring from the window sill. He banged into the bed and I knew that they were both looking down at me.

“No,” he said, “you didn’t imagine it. I saw it too.”

My brother leaned in closer.

“Jess, it’s me, Jamie. Can you hear me? Wiggle your finger if you can hear me.”

I concentrated hard again and felt my middle finger move.

“Stay there,” Jamie said, presumably to Will, because I wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m going to find a nurse.”

I wanted to grab hold of him, to tell him not to bother. It was pointless. So I’d moved my hand slightly. It didn’t mean anything.

I was still going to die.

Will sank on to the bed and for a few blissful seconds we were totally on our own together.

“Welcome back, Jess,” he said and he picked up my hand, cradling it in his. “I always knew you could do it. Remember when I accidentally kicked a football in your face when you were about four? Most girls would have cried their eyes out, but not you. You’re tough, Jess, and beautiful, and we all love you so much. When you’re out of here, perhaps we could go for a coffee somewhere – just the two of us. I knew you’d come back to us. I don’t know how, but I just knew it.”

Wow! He’d called me beautiful, he’d asked me on a date and he’d said he loved me? Was that really what I heard, really what he meant? I felt like one of those evening primrose flowers which come up in Mum’s herbaceous border every summer. They bloom in the evening and begin to wither almost as soon as they reach their peak.

I wish I could come back, Will.

Would he hear my message? Could I make my thoughts so strong that they would filter through his elation at my minuscule movement?

But I can’t. I’ve made my decision and I’ve got to stick to it. I’m sorry. If there was anything I could do to change things, I would. It’s all decided and it’s too late to change my mind now.

As I lay there, my emotions swirling through me like water going down a plughole, I felt a single tear slide out from the corner of my eye.