Inside the tent-shaped building was a vast auditorium designed for circus acts, but it didn’t look as if anything had been performed there for a long time. Three clowns sat at a table off to the side, playing a game of go-fish with cards the size of magazine covers.
“Go fish, ya mook,” said a plump clown with a thick green beard and a grumpy expression.
“You don’t got no threes?” asked a squeaky-voiced clown. A tall yellow-checkered hat stood an arm’s length above his head.
“I keep tellin’ ya. No threes. You think I’m lying over here?”
“Yeah, and if you don’t make with the threes you’re gonna be pushin’ up daisies.”
“Oh yeah?”
The two clowns stood up from their chairs and raised their white fists. The one with the hat had glittery fingernails and round rosy cheeks. Earl couldn’t tell if the two were just joking around with each other or really starting a fight.
Captain Spotty led the veterinarian toward the table and said, “Boys, calm down. We got company over here.”
The green-bearded clown looked over at Earl. “What’s with the vanilla?”
“He’s the boss’s new vet,” Spotty said. “Come to help Happytooth.”
They looked at Earl, but he shook his head. “I’m not the new vet. I’m just here to do one operation.”
“I thought the boss needed a new vet,” said the grumpy clown. “This guy’s not the new vet?”
“I already have a job at the zoo,” Earl said.
“What, working for clowns too good for ya?” asked the tall-hat clown.
Earl turned to Spotty. “I thought I just had to remove the tumor?”
Spotty ignored the question. He pointed at the clown with the tall hat. “This is Hats Rizzo.” Then he pointed to the one with the green beard. “And Jackie the Grump.” The other clown was sitting by himself on the far side of the table, quietly smoking a cotton candy cigarette as he built a house of cards the size of a milk crate. “And over there’s Vinnie Blue Nose.”
The blue-nosed clown didn’t look up, just taking a slow drag on his cigarette as he calmly placed another card on top of the stack.
“Wait here,” Spotty told the vet. “I’ll let the boss know you arrived.”
As the shabby clown walked toward a door on the other side of the auditorium, Earl said, “Hold up. He doesn’t really want me to stay on as his normal vet, does he?”
Captain Spotty just held up his hand in response. Earl didn’t like being left alone with the three clowns. Although they weren’t quite as scary as Spotty, they seemed even less friendly.
Hats and Jackie went back to their card game. For a moment, Earl thought he could just avoid them and stand in the back until the boss arrived, but then Hats Rizzo pointed at the chair next to him.
“Take a seat,” Hats said.
Earl didn’t move.
When Hats looked back at him, Earl said, “It’s okay. I’ll stand.”
“I said take a seat.”
The vet went to the table, set down his case of medical equipment, and dropped down into the chair. A loud farting sound rumbled beneath him. The two clowns burst into laughter.
Hats sniffed at the air. “Who cut the cheese in here?”
The clowns laughed even harder as Earl pulled the whoopee cushion out from under him and held it over the table.
Jackie the Grump said, “I can’t believe he fell for it.” It looked weird seeing Jackie laugh so hard with that grumpy clown face of his.
Earl tossed the whoopee cushion onto the table and sighed as the two clowns pointed and slapped their knees. He didn’t look them in the eyes.
“Why aren’t you laughing?” Hats asked the vet.
Earl didn’t know how to respond.
Hats grabbed Earl by the cheeks with his cold rubbery hand. “It’s a joke. You’re supposed to laugh at jokes.”
Earl didn’t laugh. The clowns were offended.
When Hats let go of the vet’s mug, his jokey demeanor turned from happy to annoyed. He stared him in the eyes.
“That was a grade-A prank right there. It should’ve left you in stitches. It left Jackie in stitches and that guy’s a schmuck.”
The smile fell from Jackie’s face. “Hey…”
Earl turned to the blue-nosed clown, but the guy wasn’t even paying attention. He just stacked card over card onto his paper mansion.
Hats wouldn’t let it go. “How could you not laugh at that? Was my joke not good enough for ya?”
Earl shrugged.
Hats leaned in closer. “You don’t think I’m funny? Is that it? What, am I not a clown to you?”
Earl shrugged again. “I don’t know.”
Hats jumped out of his chair. “What d’ya mean ya don’t know!”
Before Hats could grab the vet by the scruff of his neck, a rigid voice said, “Sit down.”
It was Vinnie Blue Nose who said it. He put his cigarette out in the ashtray next to him. Hats didn’t move a muscle.
“But the guy disrespected my sense of humor,” Hats whined. “He didn’t laugh at my joke.”
“Your jokes stink,” Blue Nose said.
Jackie the Grump burst into laughter as he shuffled the deck of cards.
Hats Rizzo pointed his glittery finger at the blue-nosed clown. “They’re better than yours, ya prick. You don’t even have a sense of humor. What kind of clown doesn’t have a sense of humor?”
Vinnie looked up at the clown. One glance with his hard eyes and Hats had to turn away.
“Just leave the guy alone,” said Blue Nose. “He’s here to do a job. Show a little respect.”
Hats kicked the table and Vinnie’s house of cards tumbled over. “Fuck your respect.”
He spit at Earl’s shoes and stormed away from the table, heading for the exit. Vinnie Blue Nose picked up the cards and started a new construction, letting the incident wash over him like nothing happened.
Earl had never seen a clown like Vinnie Blue Nose before. The guy wasn’t the wacky, giggling clown stereotype one would expect. He seemed like a real professional. Calm. Relaxed. No time for jokes. He wore a neatly pressed pin-striped suit that matched his dark-blue nose and clean-cut hair. A guy who’d definitely earned his rank as top capo of the Bozo crime family.
“Hats, you idiot…,” Jackie the Grump said to himself, shaking his scruffy head. “Disrespecting a capo like that…You’re gonna get yourself killed.”