Buggy didn’t like the idea of bribing a priest. Not because he was morally opposed to it, but because priests were usually expensive to bribe. He hoped Reverend Jellybottom was the corrupt easy-to-bribe kind of priest. The reverend was planning an event at a brothel, after all, so he couldn’t possibly be too ethical.
“Raarrfff!” Mittens roared when he saw the priest step out of his office.
“Reverend Jellybottom?” Buggy’s voice echoed through the church.
“Yes, can I help you, Brother Buttons?” said Jellybottom. The preacher had a wide smile on his face, stepping belly-first toward the capo.
Buggy had never met him before, but he was only half surprised the reverend already knew his name. He heard that the clown liked to keep tabs on everyone in the Bozo Family. Perhaps he hoped to one day convert a Bozo. It would be quite an accomplishment for a priest to get a clownfella to change his ways.
“Raarrfff!” Mittens roared again. It was the most passionate bark Buggy had heard from the animal in ages.
Jellybottom looked down at the dog and said, “It appears your bulldog doesn’t like me, Brother Buttons.”
Buggy picked the bulldog up in his arms, getting himself tangled up in the life support wires.
“Raarrfff!” Mittens cried.
Buggy had no choice but to hold the dog by the snout so he wouldn’t bark anymore.
“Sorry, Reverend,” Buggy said. “Mittens is agnostic. He tends to get upset whenever he’s around devout religious types.”
“Ahh-ha!” the reverend said with a big smile on his face. He assumed the clownfella was joking. “Well, what brings you here on this fine day, Brother Buttons?”
Buggy said, “Can we go somewhere private? I don’t like how my voice carries in this place.”
“Of course. Of course.” The reverend led him and his bulldog into his office and shut the door. “Please, have a seat.”
Buggy sat down in a chair across from the priest’s desk and put Mittens in the chair next to him with the life support machine between them. Mittens didn’t bark anymore, but he sat upright with a grumpy look on his face, his bottom teeth sticking up over his jowls with utter contempt for the reverend.
“I hear you’re throwing some kind of an event at the Rainbow Gardens.”
“Ahhh-ha,” said the reverend. “Yes, yes. The church is being renovated next week so I needed a place for my congregation to meet for mass.”
“On a Friday night?”
“Yes, yes. Friday Night Mass. That’s when we have the fish-juggling contest.”
“Fish-juggling what?”
“It’s very popular,” said Reverend Jellybottom, nodding with a wild smile on his face.
“So…you’re having mass…at the Rainbow Gardens…on a Friday night…” Buggy’s brain felt like it was about to melt out of his ears and roll down the back of his head.
“Yes, yes. Tina and I were childhood friends. We go way back. She often lets me use her venue for my church’s events.”
“You know it’s a whorehouse, right?”
“I know it’s a place of sin, yes. But most places in this world are havens for sin. As a man of God, I don’t judge.”
“And your congregation is okay with that?”
“I just tell them that it’s a jazz club. They don’t know the difference. Besides, there’s a separate entrance for the theater. My congregation doesn’t have to go through the brothel to get in.”
“Well, here’s the deal,” Buggy said. “The space was double-booked for next Friday. I have a really important event I need to throw there and it coincides with your Friday mass. I’m wondering if you can move it elsewhere.”
Reverend Jellybottom rubbed his nose and stood from his desk. He paced the room, bobbing his head up and down in thought.
“Yes, yes,” he said. “That is a dilemma indeed, Brother Buttons. But, unfortunately, it’s too late for me to make other arrangements. There’s not another space available that my church can afford.”
“What if I set you up at the Marriott?” Buggy asked. “I’ll pay. I can get you a real nice space to have your mass. It’s got to be better than doing it in the back of a brothel.”
“Nah, hotels won’t work,” said the reverend. “They won’t let us do fish-juggling. We can’t have Friday Night Mass without fish-juggling. Why don’t you have your event at the Marriott?”
Buggy let out a deep breath. He was getting impatient with the holy man. “I can’t do it at the Marriott because I need my event to be a little discreet, if you know what I mean. It’s not exactly legal.”
The reverend’s eyes lit up. “Is it a comedy show? Lord knows I love a good comedy show. When I was a boy I always dreamed about becoming a stand-up comedian, before it became illegal that is.”
“Yeah, it’s a comedy show,” Buggy said. “The biggest show this town’s ever seen. I’m bringing Bobby Goldstein back.”
“Bobby Goldstein? Are you kidding me?”
“I’m serious. That’s why the venue is so important to me. You can do your mass anytime, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.”
Jellybottom rubbed his chin. “Hmmm…Well, the mass is over at nine P.M. Perhaps you can have your show after that.”
“But I’m already selling tickets that say eight P.M. I can’t change it.”
Jellybottom thought about it some more. Then he snapped his fingers. “I got it! How about we combine our events?”
“Combine what?”
“We have both events at the same time. Friday Night Mass and Bobby Goldstein’s stand-up routine. It’ll be one heck of a night.”
“Combine a comedy show with a church service? Are you kidding me?”
“You haven’t been to my Friday Night Mass. It’s a crazy good time. You’ll see. People are going to love it. Maybe even more than Bobby Goldstein.”
Buggy waved his hands. “No. No way. People are paying a thousand bucks a ticket to see this show. There’s no way I can let a church service open a show like that. The crowd would have my head.”
“I’ll make it fun!” said the reverend. “You’ll see. My sermons are a blast.”
“Nobody’s going to want to listen to your boring-ass sermon.”
When Buggy said that, the reverend’s smile dropped from his face. He broke eye contact with the clown and straightened the crucifix on his wall.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Brother Buttons. But if you want to have your show at my venue, you’re going to have to do things my way. I give a sermon before your show or you find someplace else for your comedian to perform.”
Buggy didn’t know what to do. He considered threatening the clown, but if he even tried he knew word would get back to Miss Tina. Then she’d never let him use her space.
“This is going to be a disaster,” Buggy said as he wheeled Mittens out of the church. He didn’t care that the reverend could hear his voice as it echoed through the building.