DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
THE DRAG QUEEN DIET
I used to joke that I was on the Supermodel Diet: a Tic Tac for breakfast, a Tic Tac for lunch, and for dinner, a glass of water—no Tic Tac. Truth is, I’ve never been a big food person. My weaknesses are sugary things and crunchy things. I have to be very careful with them because once I start eating those things I can’t stop. I gravitate toward food that will give me energy without making me feel sluggish. Combining food is a great way to ensure your digestive system doesn’t get slowed down by foods that don’t digest at the same rate. These are not new concepts. “Fit for Life” and “Somersizing” are two of the many food plans that use this philosophy.
My secret weapon is to eat small portions and to eat at home as often as possible. And I always eat (at home) in advance of going to a dinner party. That way I won’t be tempted by the party food. Another trick is to carry roasted unsalted almonds in my bag just in case I get a dip in energy while running errands. Don’t get me wrong—it’s not a crime to have food drenched in salt, sugar, and enriched flour every now and again. The problem is it triggers me to crave more of it. And that’s an endless cycle I’d rather not be on.
Breakfast
I don’t eat anything after the sun goes down, so by the time I wake up in the morning I’m ravenous. Breakfast is literally breaking the fast of the night before. By setting up a morning eating pattern, your body will know it’s okay to burn fat while you sleep because there will be food upon awakening. I never get bored with old-fashioned oatmeal for breakfast. I put cinnamon, Splenda, dried cranberries, and rice milk in a bowl of dry oatmeal and cover it with plastic wrap. Then I put it in the microwave for two minutes and fifteen seconds. While it’s cooking, I’ll drink a glass of water and put the coffee on.
FRUIT MUST BE EATEN BY ITSELF.
When I’m in drag I won’t eat in public
When I’m traveling, I order an omelette with vegetables, bacon, and cheese, and black coffee. I have them replace the potatoes with tomatoes, and no toast or fruit. Fruit is a lovely breakfast, but it must be eaten with no other type of food (I break this rule by having dried cranberries with my oatmeal). I’m also a big fan of burned whole grain toast and black coffee for breakfast, but the toast must be eaten dry or with vegetables, but nothing else. No oil, butter, jam, or meat.
Lunch
Grilled fish or chicken with vegetables or salad or a cheeseburger with no bun. Sometimes I’ll have soup. Room-temperature bottled water.
Snack
A yogurt or some almonds or sunflower seeds. If I have some fruit, it’s never with other foods.
Dinner
Grilled fish or chicken with vegetables or salad or a cheeseburger with no bun. Sometimes I’ll have a steak. Room-temperature bottled water.
My Cheat Food
Burned toast and apricot jam. But again, the problem is it triggers me to crave more of it.
When to Eat
When I’m in drag I won’t eat in public. When I’m out of drag I prefer to not eat in public. Ever been to a dinner party where a guest insists on standing and talking as they eat? Ew, gross! Food flying out of their mouths! Or on the subway when somebody whips out some Chinese takeout and it smells up the entire car? Double gross! Food should be eaten deliberately at a table. I like to think of my appetite as a fire that constantly needs wood. Eating small portions of minimally processed food every three to four hours is best. That regimen sends a message to your metabolism that it’s okay to expel fat. I also stop eating before I get full. I really can’t stand that uncomfortable feeling of being stuffed.
Workout
I go to the gym five days a week. I do some core training and light weights, but my favorite thing to do is the cardiovascular workout on the machines. I bring my iPod and get my heart rate pumping to some serious boom-boom BPMs. Regulating my food intake keeps me from getting fat, but working out gets my metabolism going. I never forget to do extensive stretching before and after the workout, and throughout the day. If time permits, I’ll also add another physical activity to my day, like biking, hiking, country-line dancing, or roller-skating.
MAINTAIN CLARITY SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR STAGE CUES FROM THE UNIVERSE.
THROW YA HANDS UP
When I’m filming, I change my nail color for every outfit—blue, pink, red, black—I love it all. Those long dagger nails are still a sign of status in some communities, but everywhere else it’s just about having nice oval or square-filed nails and a strong color that looks modern. And the drugstore brands are as good as the expensive ones. If you don’t have the time to do your nails—and this applies to men and women—make sure you have a manicure and pedicure and keep your hands and feet looking clean and smooth, even if there’s no polish. Keeping your nails looked after is a true sign of self-love!
Don’t Smoke Cigarettes
I smoked for nearly thirty years, and it’s been six years since I quit. Kicking the addiction to nicotine was the easy part. Stopping using them as an emotional pacifier was the most difficult part. Looking back, I realize how much I used smoking to block my feelings and put up a wall around me. Today, I want to feel my feelings. I want to be here for the experience. I’ve learned how to process the sensation of feeling frustrated, which used to be a trigger for me to light up. I still get frustrated and I still get triggered, but now I talk myself off the ledge, so to speak, by retracing the emotional steps that led me there. It’s usually a misperception on my part that triggers me to want to get lost in a cloud of smoke. I’ve learned to remind myself to breathe and that I have options. I remind myself I am not that scared little boy anymore, and that whatever is making me feel trapped (traffic jams, computer malfunctions, book deadlines, etc.) is negotiable. I don’t have to burn the school down just because I didn’t do my homework.
MEDIA DIET
Be very careful of what you allow to infiltrate your consciousness and subconsciousness. When you watch too much television, you’ll start to feel inferior from all the commercials hard selling the idea that you’re not complete unless you buy their product. It’s the only way they can get you to buy something you don’t need. The ad agencies appeal to your fear of not being wanted or loved. It’s the same with the local news. They get you to stay tuned with a constant stream of fear tactics. I once heard a local news teaser say, “Coming up on the news at five: find out how your carpet could be killing you.” It’s as if our culture is addicted to fear and the flat screen is our drug dealer. Don’t allow that crap into your head! It only supports the idea that the world is out to get you. The world is not out to get you, but your ego’s appetite for fear is. My advice is to not watch the news at all. Read the news on the Internet or in the newspapers (remember them?). That way you can avoid all the fear hysteria the TV news is so keen on inducing.
RU-DIMENTARY
BEAUTY
Your state of mind eventually shows up on your face.
THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
Everyone’s obsessed with not aging in our culture, and quite frankly the whole subject is a complete bore. Yes, this body will fall apart and really embarrass you in the process. But you can be proactive and not smoke, eat food that is not so damn processed, and stop holding grudges. Illness in the body is the result of negative thoughts manifested. To give you an example, when I think of biting into a juicy Florida orange, my mouth begins to salivate. All thoughts manifest in the body and on your face eventually. Be mindful of your thoughts. Think peaceful and forgiving thoughts and be beautiful. If you can’t manage that, then by all means, get your mug pumped and pulled, poked and resurfaced.
1. Love yourself and be kind. Allow other people to love you.
2. Don’t smoke. It’s the single healthiest choice you can make for yourself.
3. Make love, exercise, dance, hike, and bike. Energy creates energy.
4. Take good care of your teeth. Floss and brush after every meal.
5. Drink water, not soda pop.
6. Moisturize all over. A moisturizer with sunscreen is even better.
7. Get regular full-body massages.
8. Meditate. Connect to The Source.
9. Get enough sleep. Your body will let you know how much you need.
10. Create a mature relationship with food. Make time to explore the grocery store and farmers market.
11. Use an eyelash curler, unless your eyelashes curl naturally.
12. Be of service. Volunteer. It is the key to happiness.
BEAUTY
HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
They can put a man on the moon, but they still can’t figure out a painless way to make hair stop growing! I use a disposable razor to shave the areas on my face where the hair hasn’t been electrolytically removed. Yes, I’ve had two and a half years’ and twelve thousand dollars’ worth of electrolysis, and I still have to shave my face. Electrolysis works, but it takes forever to finish an entire face. I’d love to do more, but I’m on the road too much to allot the recovery time needed. Did it hurt? Yes, but not as much as laser hair removal. I couldn’t tolerate the laser.
AS A KID, I FELT LIKE THE LITTLE BOY WHO FELL FROM EARTH.
STYLE BEGINS FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
MY FIRST COLONIC
My colonic irrigation was a complete success! Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last!
Before my colonic irrigation appointment, I imagined it would be done in some seedy dive with live chickens roaming around a backroom featuring overhead fluorescent lighting. I imagined the technician as some illegal alien with yellow dishwashing gloves and a two-year-old toddler on her hip. She’d come out from behind raggedy curtains and scream, “Who next!” Then the lady-poo technician would lead me to some smelly, damp hole in the wall with a TV in the corner blaring The People’s Court.
I had imagined she’d stick a long metal prong thing up my ass, like the ones they use to do liposuction, and aggressively scrape the walls of my lovin’ oven. Or even worse, she’d fill me to the brim with cold sudsy water using one of those high-powered hoses from the do-it-yourself carwash! Unable to hold it in, my bowels would explode all over the room—leaving me humiliated and emotionally scarred for life. Oh, the horror!
I’m free at last
Add to all of that the embarrassment our culture has with anything to do with bodily functions. Yes, I’m talking about “shit shame.” I’m pretty sure that shit shame is what kept me (and most people) from doing a “high colonic” before. But it was the promise of erasing my past from the inside out that kept me intrigued. Who could blame me for wanting to get rid of all the chewing gum I swallowed as a kid? Chewing gum that was presumably still stuck in the nooks and crannies of my intestinal lineage.
Instead of the horror story I imagined, the facility was a clean street-level medical office with holistic touches here and there. New Age music and incense created a calm, sanctuary-like feeling. A serene Asian woman named May led me to a room that was not unlike a doctor’s examining room, except the lights were dim. Everything was very clean. May’s energy made me feel very safe, comfortable, and relaxed.
After I changed into a hospital gown (no sequins or beads), May returned and explained what was going to happen. She showed me the never-been-opened, sealed-in-plastic sanitized hose that would be used. I got on the table and lay down in a semi-fetal position on my left side. She then instructed me to insert the tip of the hose into my rectum. Well, I’m no stranger to ass insertion. “Just the tip?” I asked. I think May was very impressed with my unflinching finesse. She had me stop at only three inches! “That’s all?” I said. I told her I could barely feel it! (Wake me when you’re done….)
With the hose securely up my poop chute, I eased onto my back, feet flat and knees up. Warm water entered through a canal in the hose, and after a few minutes, waste was extracted through another canal in the same hose. Mounted on the wall near my feet, there was a backlit monitor with two tubes that showed what was going in and what was coming out. I decided to not look at the monitor, but May did as if she were reading my future, and clearly my past.
TUCK EVERLASTING
Tucking is exactly what the name implies. After putting on a tight spandex G-string, push and flatten your penis and testicles in the direction of your anus. Simultaneously, hike up the G-string to hold your bits and pieces in place. Duct tape may be used, but first the area must be prepped by shaving. This is referred to as a “duct tuck.” You too can achieve a fierce and flawless tuck depending on the amount of junk m’ lady is packing. Tucking is not for the faint of heart. It can be very painful, so be careful crossing your legs. See you at the pool!
ON THE BEVEL
Dancers and models all know how to pose and arrange their bodies to maximize the beauty of their silhouette. The bevel is the secret to looking great onstage and in front of a camera and when you know you’re being observed. Any time you see me onstage, I’m doing it. Frank Gatson, who is Beyoncé’s choreographer—he also works with Britney Spears and Mariah Carey—will always remind his clients to “bevel while you’re standing onstage!” The bevel is achieved by positioning your feet in the shape of the letter T. The left foot (or top of the T) is used to support the body. The right foot (or stem of the T) is purely ornamental. You draw the heel of the right foot into the arch of the left foot: your basic beauty-pageant stance. It contorts the body so that it looks good at every angle. If you’re left-handed, reverse the stance. Throw your chest out and put your back into it. The Supremes transformed beveling into high art, and it became vernacular to great runway superstars like Linda Evangelista and Pat Cleveland.
I had…a rootie-tootie fresh-and-fruity bootie
May gently massaged my stomach and key pressure points on my arms, legs, and neck, while always reminding me to breathe. I focused on releasing my past and letting go of old resentments. It felt wonderful and there was absolutely no smell or leakage whatsoever.
Forty-five minutes later, it was done. My stomach felt flat as a board and my body felt light as a feather. I had finally achieved a rootie-tootie fresh-and-fruity booty! I started to fantasize about having a high colonic system installed in my house. I pictured myself backing that ass up every day, whenever I wanted. Holla! I asked if I could schedule an appointment for tomorrow, but May said to come back in three weeks. I can’t wait until my next visit.
I was very proud that I had jumped a massive hurdle in my quest to eradicate shit shame from my life. Now I’m looking forward to eliminating shame (and shit) from other areas of my mind, body, and spirit!
PICTURE-PERFECT POSING
Trial and error is the only way to become a pro at posing for pictures. By doing several test shots in front of an unforgiving digital camera, you can scientifically deduce which side of your face is most photogenic, find your most flattering angles, dissect your facial symmetry, and most important, learn what not to do in front of a camera. If you want to use your body to its optimum performance level, you must know what your weaknesses are. Study your pictures and learn from them. Study other people’s pictures and learn from them as well. I’ve been known to cut out my favorite photographs from magazines and bring them to photo shoots for inspiration and composition ideas. I will also have a full-length mirror set up next to the camera so I can really work my best angles. Research the great masterpieces of art and sculpture to learn how to hold your body in a position that’s pleasing to the human eye. Pushing your shoulders down and keeping your neck as elongated as possible is a great technique used throughout the ages. Of course, body composure is important, but equally as important, if not more, is what you have going on behind the eyes. I like to imagine the camera lens is one of my close friends or someone I have a crush on. Being conscious of your lighting is also a major factor in having gorgeous photos taken. Legend has it that Marlene Dietrich got up on a ladder herself to properly position her lights.
DRAG RACE TO DISCO MOUNTAIN
I SAW IT IN THE WINDOW AND JUST HAD TO HAVE IT.
Stand up straight
WORK THE RUNWAY, SWEETIE
You have to stand up straight to even begin to develop a strong walk. And oddly enough, it doesn’t come naturally to most of us. It’s important not to dumb yourself down, not to scrunch down, not to do anything down. Breathe when you walk, and you’ll be present, like in yoga. It sounds so simple—but very few of us know what it means. No one knows more about walking than runway models. Carmen Kass, Beverly Peele, Naomi Campbell. Yasmeen Ghauri, a supermodel from the nineties, had the most gorgeous walk. She would swing her left hand out when she sauntered down the runway—it looked like she had a ball-bearing swivel to her hips. Go online and study fashion shows if you really want to perfect a great walk. A good trick is to film yourself practicing: it will give you the data on where to improve.
RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR
Men can enhance their walk by being conscious of their chest while maintaining great posture. Don’t do it like a WWF wrestler; make it natural. Keep your hands by your sides and imagine you’re holding a pencil in each hand. The pencil should be pointing straight out in front of you. If it is, that means your chest, back, neck, and shoulders are all in position, showing off your muscles to their best advantage. When an animal sticks its chest out, it’s dominant. We can learn a lot from animals. After all, we’re animals too.
PAINT A SMILE UPON MY FACE.
HEAD TO TOE, LET YOUR WHOLE BODY TALK!
THE IMPORTANCE OF POSTURE
Walking tall with your chest out and your head held high says you have earned the right to stomp and pummel this particular piece of real estate. Straighten up and fly right, baby. Be conscious of your posture at all times. Even when no one is watching. Heels force you to walk more deliberately, prompting you to align your body and improve your posture. This is one of the reasons runway models have such great posture. Positioning yourself in the best possible presentation sends an instant message that your relationship with your body is healthy. Slouching shoulders and a hunched neck says you are ashamed and would rather fade away. Yoga and Pilates help immensely with posture.
SITTIN’ ON A SECRET AND EVERYBODY’S IN ON IT.
ARE YOU A PADDED QUEEN?
If you want that curvaceous look, I’ll meet you at the foam-rubber store. The foam rubber is trimmed down with a knife or scissors for the correct roundness and size. Some of the more industrious girls use a power sander! Work! It’s generally carved into the shape of continental Africa. The pads are then worn underneath support hose to accentuate hips and buttocks. I wear a body shaper that’s made out of girdle material over the pieces to secure and smooth my pads. For a little something extra, add a pair of panties with the booty pads built in! You can find those online.
In the real world, men love curves!
STARRBOOTY, BABY
You don’t see many examples of truly curvy beauties in fashion magazines because the truth is that magazine editors and fashion designers know clothes present better on those “hanger bodies.” But in the real world, men love curves! The women we consider the sexiest are Beyoncé, Eva Mendes, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel. All of these knockouts have real curves. And they aren’t afraid to show them. Don’t hide your curves! That 34-26-34 ideal of the bombshell shape is what biologically hypnotizes men. One of the best ways a woman can really highlight her curves, besides using a push-up bra, is by wearing a corset or a waist-cincher. You can buy corsets and waist-cinchers online or at shops like Frederick’s of Hollywood and Trashy Lingerie, and not only do the sight of these secret weapons turn men on to the extreme but they also finesse your waist and hips into the stuff dreams are made of. Remember: big bust + small waist + sexy hips = goddess!