Hugh
“I am glad we get to see Daisy again. Isn’t she the best? I love her. I mean, I don’t know her, but I feel like I love her. She’s just so great. And nice. And Nora says she is the best babysitter. Of course, she says that about all of her aunts and uncles because they really love her. I’m so happy she has so many people that love her. I know you love me. And Grandma and Grandpa love me, and auntie loves me. But Nora has so many people that love her. Isn’t that just the best?” Lucy barely breathed through that entire ramble, and with each passing word, I went from a slight panic to a brutal heartache. It was like she stabbed me over and over again. It was partially my fault and I was going to have to fix it somehow.
I was already dressed for my date, in dark slacks and a Henley shirt. We were just going out to dinner, something we could pass off as a work meeting if we needed to lie. But there had been enough lying. Especially since Lucy had brought up Daisy the day before, and I could only imagine what Kane and Sebastian had said to the rest of the family, or to Daisy directly.
But, while Daisy was important to this conversation, and something I would need to discuss more with Lucy, that wasn’t what was hurting her.
I cupped her chin. “Lucy. I love you. Your grandma and grandpa love you. So does your aunt. We’re your family. They may be far away, but they’re only a phone call away. They don’t mind even if you accidentally call them when it’s one in the morning there.” She smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. That had been a video phone call nobody had been expecting, they answered in a panic, and I rushed into the room wondering why I heard shouting. I realized it was because they were worried something had happened. Not because Lucy wanted to show them her loose tooth.
We smiled and laughed at it, and we learned rules about using the phone. But they would always answer. Because my parents loved their granddaughter.
But they weren’t her mom. And neither was I.
“I know they love me. You love me too. I just get jealous. I know it’s wrong to be jealous. Because I have to be happy with what I have, and I am. I love you but I also want all the things.”
Lucy’s babysitter was on her way over, someone Sebastian introduced us to, so I had a few minutes with my baby girl.
“Okay, Lucy. Let’s talk.”
“I don’t want to make you sad. I’m not sad.” She did that thing where she spoke quickly enough to maybe mask her own feelings from herself and me. But I was learning. We were both learning together. I sat on the ground cross-legged and brought her into my arms. She snuggled into me, but she didn’t cry. She just sounded sad. That little sigh broke my heart.
“Why didn’t Mommy love me?”
I took a deep breath, knowing I didn’t have an answer. I practiced this a thousand times. Had even spoken to Lucy about it numerous times. And yet there was nothing. And I hated it.
What did you say to a little girl who you love more than the stars themselves when there were no words to make it better?
“Your mom needed to make decisions for herself, decisions that we don’t understand. But we talked about it, remember? We said that there was enough love in the world between just the two of us that we could handle everything.” These weren’t the right words. I knew they weren’t. And I knew I’d be calling the family therapist again in the morning. I was making mistake after mistake with my kid. I was never going to forgive Cheryl for that.
“I know she wanted to be with her new family. The one without me. But why wasn’t I good enough? I cleaned my room. I tried to be good. Why did she go away?”
I hugged her tight. I didn’t have any answers. There wasn’t anything I could do to make this better for my baby girl. But I needed to figure something out.
“I don’t know why your mommy had to go away. I don’t have the answers for her choices. But no matter what, know that I love you. I am never leaving. I will always be here for you. I know I’m not your mommy, but I am your daddy. I love you. We are going to figure out this new life of ours together. We’re a team. You’re going to have to help me, too.” She pulled away, wide-eyed. I wiped the tears from her cheeks, rage warring with the ache inside me. But I couldn’t lean into the anger, that wouldn’t help anything.
“You need help from me?” she asked.
“Yes, because I’m learning how to do this too. And you know we’re a team. That means I need you to tell me when you’re not feeling good. When you’re feeling sad. I need you to tell me things. Like you’re doing right now. And I might not always have answers—I wish I did—but we can figure them out together. Because, no matter what, I’m going to be here.”
Lucy leaned forward and patted my cheek. I loved this little girl with all of my heart.
Who could ever leave her?
“I love you. And I’ll tell you when I’m sad. But will you tell me when you’re sad?”
I smiled and did my best to put on the brave face my daughter needed. “I’ll try my best.”
“Okay. I love you.” She snuggled into me, and I knew what I had to do next.
I pulled my phone out of my pants pocket, adjusting Lucy on my lap as I did, and texted the babysitter. I offered to pay them, to say I was sorry for canceling at the last minute, but they didn’t mind and told me to enjoy my night with my daughter. There were some good people in the world, and I had to remember that. Even if, between my job and Lucy’s mom, it didn’t feel like it.
And then knowing this was best, I texted the next person.
Me: Lucy is having a tough night without her mom. I’m going to have to cancel. I’m sorry.
Daisy: I understand completely. More than you know. Hug her tight, okay? And tell her I’m thinking about her. If that’ll help.
I remembered that yes, she did understand. It wasn’t the exact same situation, but it was close enough that I wondered how Daisy survived not having a mom in her life either. Then again, she had her stepmom. The woman that eventually adopted her.
Me: Thank you. Seriously. Tough night figuring things out.
Daisy: I understand. I promise.
I set the phone down and leaned against the wall, listening as Lucy talked about her favorite TV show. I just held my kid, wondering what the hell I was going to do next.
Dating didn’t seem to be in the cards, and that was fine. Lucy had to come first. Always.
We sat on the ground for a good thirty minutes before Lucy was laughing again, and we had just started figuring out what we were going to order for dinner when the doorbell rang. Lucy ran to the door.
“Let me see who it is.”
“You know the rules,” I ordered, alarm sliding up my spine. With my job, I got to see the worst side of things. So no, my elementary-school-age kid wouldn’t be opening the door on her own.
I looked through the peephole, and a smile spread over my face.
“Well, Lucy, I guess we don’t have to figure out what we’re doing for dinner.”
I opened the door for Daisy, who was bouncing from foot to foot, looking nervous.
“Hi. I totally thought this was a good idea at the time, and I’m afraid I have stepped in it.”
“Daisy! You’re here!” Lucy ran and threw her arms around Daisy’s legs. Daisy wobbled for a bit, since both hands were full of food, and I leaned forward and took the food from her.
“You okay?”
“Oh, I’m fine.”
“You’re here, you’re here. And you brought our favorite food. See, Daddy? She brought Indian food. Isn’t Daisy the best?”
Tears long forgotten, she tugged on Daisy’s hand and pulled her inside.
“Lucy seems happy to see you.”
Daisy met my gaze, and I saw the worry there. “And you? I can leave the food and go. I know you guys need some time together. I just thought you might want some food, since you planned on eating out.”
I just met her gaze. “Go follow Lucy into the living room. We’re figuring out what to watch. I guess you can have a say.”
I wanted to kiss her, but doing so in front of Lucy might be an issue. I hadn’t dated at all since I became a dad, so we were going to navigate these waters slowly.
“So, what did you get? Oh do you want to help me set the table? Daddy likes when I help set the table. But I’m too short to reach the plates.”
“I can help. You just show me where to go. I’ve never been here before.”
“Okay, over here,” Lucy said as she bounced towards the little kitchen. “The plates are up there. I have a stool, but I’m not allowed to get the plates myself.”
“Tell her why.” I raised a brow at my daughter, who blushed.
“Because I broke one. I didn’t mean to, but then I said a bad word.”
Daisy looked at me, her eyes filled with laughter. “Now, where did she learn that?”
“School is rough these days.”
“Daddy taught me. He didn’t mean to. But I sometimes say it the British way like Daddy does, and then I get in even more trouble because that means I’m saying the really bad words.”
“You’re right. When you say the bad words the British way, they are the worst kind of words. But you should try to say the fun words instead, like queue, or cuppa, or cheeky.”
I rolled my eyes at them but smiled.
“Now that you’re done mocking me and my accent, let’s see what you brought us.”
“I’m not mocking you. Much.” Daisy winked at me and gestured towards the food.
“I might’ve gone a little overboard. I got the butter chicken, chicken korma, and a couple other things on my favorites list, so you’ll have leftovers for days. Plus two kinds of samosas, and three kinds of naan. I was hungry.”
Lucy clapped her hands as she bounced around, full of energy, no sign that she was crying earlier. That was my kid, resilient as hell. I was so lucky she felt safe enough to tell me what she felt.
I wasn’t sure what I would do if she ever stopped doing that. Nor was I sure what I was going to do when she hit the preteen and teen years. I held back a shudder. Oh, I was not prepared for that. I was not even prepared for this pseudo-date where my daughter bounced between us.
I met Daisy’s gaze. “Thank you. Seriously.” I reached out and squeezed her hand, and Daisy squeezed right back.
“You’re welcome. Let’s start eating because I’m starving.”
“Same here. I’m starving,” Lucy replied with a British accent.
I snorted as we huddled around the table. I plated Lucy’s food first before getting my own.
“So, you work with Daddy? Do you keep bad guys away?”
I winced but Daisy didn’t seem to mind the topic of conversation.
“I do work with your dad. And I do my best to keep the bad guys away. Sometimes my job is just setting up cameras or talking to people so they know how to keep themselves safe. Do you know a few ways to keep yourself safe?”
“Not to talk to strangers, but if somebody asks me to see a puppy or if I want candy, to scream and try to go to an adult I know or an adult in charge.” She continued to list off a few things I had taught her over the years. Daisy nodded along and added a few things of her own.
“And when you get older, I can help you with self-defense.”
“I think I can help her with that,” I said, narrowing my gaze at her.
“Well, you are built like a brick house which, don’t get me wrong, is nice, but you’re going to be a lot taller than Lucy. I could help with her lower center of gravity.”
“You should both help me. I like it when you work together.” Lucy looked between us, and a small alarm went off in me, but I figured it was nothing. My daughter only liked Daisy as a friend.
Which was far different than how I felt about Daisy. Not that I was going to let myself think about that.
We cleaned up after dinner, then went to the living room to watch a Disney movie. Lucy sank between us on the couch and asked if we could both cuddle with her, so that meant my arm was around Daisy’s shoulders, and Lucy was snuggled between the two of us.
I looked over to see if Daisy minded at all, but she was laughing at something that my daughter said as they watched the movie, and I forced myself to relax. This was fine. Not quite a date, but maybe it was. Lucy fell asleep halfway through the movie, so I paused the stream and quietly cleared my throat.
“She sleeps like the dead. Seriously, nothing’s going to wake her unless she wants to wake up.”
“I’ll start cleaning up in here,” Daisy said, gesturing to the snacks we had brought out. I was unsure how Lucy packed away so much, but she was growing, a growth spurt hitting her hard.
“I’m just going to tuck her in,” I whispered.
Daisy smiled and I sat up, Lucy in my arms. She wasn’t a baby anymore; she was getting bigger every day, but I could still hold her for now. I never wanted to let go. We were skipping brushing her teeth and getting her in her pajamas tonight, but she was in loungewear with no buttons or zippers or anything, so it was fine. One night of missing brushing her teeth wouldn’t hurt. At least I hoped not.
Lucy began snoring, and I smiled as I tucked her in, made sure the monitor was on, and closed the door behind me.
When I went back out to the living room, Daisy was frowning at something on her phone.
“Everything okay?” I asked as I sat next to her on the couch.
“Oh, it’s fine. Just that other security firm being an asshole.”
I raised a brow. “Seriously?”
“Now that they can’t buy us out, they want us out. They’re putting in rival bids for nearly everything we’re doing. It’s annoying as hell.” She paused and looked like she wanted to say something else.
When she didn’t, I leaned forward and asked, “What is it?”
“Nothing. Tonight was nice. I know it isn’t exactly what we planned, and I sort of just barged in. Thank you for letting me stay.”
I pushed her hair back from her face, my thumb brushing her cheek.
“You made my kid’s night. I’m sorry for canceling, but thank you for coming over anyway.”
“I’m really not good at this, you know.”
“Good at what?”
“Dating, figuring out what I want. You know this is wrong, right? You know this is only going to end badly?”
I nodded, my gut rolling. “Maybe. Probably. But as long as Lucy doesn’t get hurt, that’s what I care about most.” I said, knowing we were both lying to ourselves.
I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers. I deepened the kiss when she moaned, and then I was leaning over her, pressing her back into the couch. I slid my hands up her sides to cup her breasts and she moaned. I hadn’t made out on a couch since I was a teenager, but it was the hottest thing I’d ever done. I was somehow between her legs, rubbing myself against her as we kissed leisurely, our hands moving over each other’s bodies. The sound of panting began to fill the room, and I cursed, leaning back. I pressed my forehead against hers, trying to catch my breath as she smiled up at me.
“We are making out like teenagers.”
I kissed her again, just a quick one, because I could.
“My daughter sleeps hard, but let’s not test that.”
Daisy nodded and we both sat up, adjusting our clothes.
“You’re right. I don’t want to have to have that conversation.” We both shuddered. “I should be heading home anyway. We have work in the morning.”
I winced. “Lucy has a day off school for a teacher workday. I’ll be dropping her off at the Montgomery Daycare Center.”
“It’s where I went often.”
“At least the Colorado Springs satellite version?” I asked with a laugh.
“Pretty much. Our families wanted to make sure that we had a safe space.”
“I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” I paused. “By the way, Daisy, Lucy sort of brought you up in front of Sebastian and Kane at the park. I didn’t know we were meeting them there, but my child is diabolical.”
Daisy’s eyes filled with laughter. “Oh, I know. They both texted me. I don’t know if the entire grapevine knows, yet, but there will be no more hiding what happened. I mean, we don’t have to tell them about the wedding per se, but I’m pretty sure they know something. And the fact that I haven’t been called into detention means that it’s okay.”
I winced. “This is complicated, Daisy.”
She nodded. “You’re right. Probably too complicated.”
I should stop this now. It’d be best for both of us. But I couldn’t. So, I leaned down and kissed her again, both of us relaxing at the touch.
“I’ll see you at work?”
“Deal. And we’ll figure it out. Somehow.”
I kissed her again, and then watched as she got in her car and drove off.
This was a mistake. But it was one I knew I had to make.