SIX LONG WEEKS working in the prison felt more like six months. Just as Lily had said, Shana did get more used to the work but she missed Rafael and the children more than ever. Only the hope that all this would be over soon kept her going. She had not had the energy so far to go out at night to meet with her friends but one evening she visited Anna on her way home. It was a timely visit because Anna told her that Peter was back from a trip to Galilee and would be with them at a get-together later. Shana rushed home to clean up and make something to eat, hoping Haziel would be co-operative about escorting her. Surprisingly, he agreed and even offered to return later to fetch her. He was far more cheerful these days and Shana knew it was doing him good to have her company.
It was dark when they set off – a crisp, clear night, which did much to revive her flagging strength. She filled her lungs and let her spirit expand into the vast openness of the starlit sky; it was good to throw off the suffocating confinement of the prison. Haziel left her at Anna’s door and wandered off into the city, whistling.
Being united with the family of believers was the next best thing to having the Master’s physical presence. Shana felt immediately revitalised by the energy of their shared faith. Peter’s exhortation again brought the kingdom of heaven into sharp focus. He spoke of frightening prophetic happenings but with such unquenchable hope that his message was still somehow uplifting.
“A time is coming, just like the time of Noah’s flood, when the earth will be destroyed, this time by fire. The day will come unexpectedly while people are going about their business but will be preceded by an increase of corruption and wickedness and terrifying natural events. We as children of Light do not have to dread that day; instead we can look forward to it because it will bring an end to evil.” Peter's face shone with the same light Shana had seen on the Master's face. “The old order of things will pass away and the new heaven and new earth will be established, the home of righteousness. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. Oh, friends, nothing is too great a sacrifice to advance this kingdom, for this is our inheritance.”
There was a time of discussion in which they shared many testimonies of miracles, both large and small, as well as their burdens. After hearing all Shana's news, the whole group prayed fervently for those in prison and also for Lily who, although they had not met, they already loved. During the prayer, the door flew open and Haziel marched in, giving them all a nasty shock, and Shana sprang up and exited hastily with him before he could say something embarrassing.
“Weird people,” he commented on the way home.
Earnest prayers were answered – the rain abated, and there was heartening news. Some Roman officials were coming to conduct a routine inspection of the prison. It had little to do with concern for the prisoners, but rather was an effort to prevent contagious diseases breaking out, which could be carried into the city during trials. In preparation, the guards were ordered down into the ‘pit’, as they called it, to bucket out the water. All day long the men tramped up and down the steps, carrying stinking buckets, which Shana and Lily relayed outside, and with each one, Shana praised the Lord. God had turned the flooding rain into a blessing and worked it out for good; the underground cell had probably not been this clean in years!
Encouraged by these signs, Shana felt light-hearted for the first time since her arrival. She flew home to tell Haziel all about it but found him in one of his dark moods. He glowered at her when she tried to engage him in conversation, and Shana knew to leave him alone when he was like this, so made haste to set his meal before him so she could escape to her room. He ate in silence while she busied herself outside at the fire, and when he had finished, she came in to take his bowl. He was sitting in the half dark watching her, his fist closed around a cup of wine, his eyes glinting beneath his shaggy brows. There was a palpable tension in the atmosphere, which made Shana uncomfortable. As her shadow flickered past him, a burst of lamplight illuminated his face, capturing his expression in black and white definition. Behind the sad longing in his eyes, smouldered a raw hunger she recognised, for she had seen it before all those years ago when she had mistaken it for love and fallen prey to its beguiling power. The attraction between them was long gone, but Shana knew this was not about herself in particular but the fact that she was a woman and, according to the attention she drew everywhere she went, still a desirable woman, and he a hot-blooded man. Need could be powerfully misleading, and her cousin was a desperately lonely man, yearning for a woman’s comfort. She understood this and knew that staying near him now could kindle fires best left unfuelled. It would not be fair to continue living alone with him when he was so vulnerable in his loneliness.
She had to admit that for some time she had not felt at ease about living here – obviously her husband would not approve, but so many other things seemed more important, and she had been reluctant to leave the comfort of her closest connection to home and family. And surely Rafael would understand that all she cared about was saving his life.
Without finishing her tasks, she went straight to her room after mumbling a hasty good night. Now a new, more urgent concern displaced the usual anxieties she battled with each night before she could sleep, for she would have to leave the security of this haven and find somewhere else to stay.
She mentioned this to Lily the next day and, to her surprise, Lily shyly invited her to stay at her home. Shana did not relish the thought – it was enough spending all day with Lily’s negativity – but she could not refuse and was touched by her tentative offer of friendship.
That evening she went to collect her few belongings and told Haziel she had found accommodation in the city closer to the prison, which would also make it easier for her to meet with her friends.
He was visibly upset. “Shana, please–” he began but turned away, his jowls heavy beneath his beard.
“I’ll be back before the eve of the Sabbath to prepare you a nice meal if you’d like,” she said.
“As you wish,” he replied dismissing her, and ambled glumly into the house, his big hands hanging heavily at his sides.
She hated leaving him like this and leaving the solace of her second home when she needed it so much. She loved Haziel with a disparate affection that existed independently of her love for Rafael. Somehow they were connected in kind, like wild offshoots from a common vine. A part of each of them was actualized and given recognition only in the other, for she alone understood his unorthodox complexity, and she sensed that he recognised a kindred spirit in her also. If only their cousin relationship had not been complicated by confused needs.
Lily’s home was nothing but the back room of a house in a rough part of the city. Just as Shana feared, it was an extension of the squalor Lily was so accustomed to at the prison. With sinking dismay, she watched the little woman unroll a bedding mat and place it beside her own in the cramped space. The faded rugs thrown over the beds smelled musty and unwashed. Dust blew in under the rotting door, giving everything a gritty texture. Shana felt sick with weariness. An iron band tightened around her forehead. Trapped in unbearably close quarters with someone she hardly knew, much less had anything in common with, and no longer able to escape to the solitude she so desperately needed to survive, she had become every bit a captive as Rafael!
Lily seemed unusually cheerful for having her company. It was apparent that she was making a clumsy effort to show hospitality. She put together a meal from some stale lentils shaken from a grubby jar, which she served to Shana in a cracked and dirty bowl, apologising for not having had time to buy anything fresh from the market. Shana kept up a pretence of forced good humour, but the effort exhausted her. All night long the walls closed in on her and she felt herself suffocating on the shared air. She was angry with the Lord for squeezing her into ever tighter spaces – testing her relentlessly and giving her no way out. Then she remembered that this was a palace in comparison to Rafael's dwelling place!
And so the weeks passed. Day after day, Shana endured the physical and emotional rigours of the prison work, and night after night, for Lily’s sake, she fought to keep sweet in the face of her extreme distaste for this living arrangement. The last thing she wanted right now when Lily was just beginning to let down her guard and make a gesture of friendship, was to reveal the ugly side of her own nature. So through gritted teeth and with phoney niceness she was forced to act a part, when beneath the façade the true Shana was writhing with discontent, suppressed irritation, and disgust. How could she carry the name of Yeshua in such a disgraceful container?
“How can I love the unlovely, Lord, when all I care about is myself? I’m just a hypocrite, making this outward pretence of kindness when inside I’m full of criticism and dislike. I’m no better than a Pharisee.”
“Why are you doing it?” asked the still, quiet voice.
“Because I don’t want to hurt Lily,” she replied.
“So you are denying yourself the satisfaction of behaving how you feel like behaving, for the sake of another? That is love. Now it remains only to deal with the attitude of your heart.”
It was an epiphany! She had been fighting the wrong battle; her feelings had no power to define her or dictate to her – she was in command of her heart.