joy churchill
Silent No More
Joy’s father was a pastor. Her mother’s father was a pastor. Her mother’s only brother was a pastor. Her father’s father was a pastor. Even Joy’s father’s mother was a pastor. In short, she grew up surrounded by courageous saints proclaiming the gospel.
Few words escaped Joy’s lips, however. She was terribly shy and convinced that no one liked her. If the gospel was to go forth, it would have to go through someone else. Joy loved Jesus and wanted to serve Him, but she spent most of her days trying to remain unnoticed. On the best days, she was tongue-tied.
College and dorm life brought out the worst of Joy’s insecurities. On the weekends, she hid from the crowd by studying in the lounge. Imagine her surprise when she was approached by a nice guy named Frank. One evening he plopped down next to her, leaned over, and kissed her. Joy was stunned but also pleased. She actually felt desirable and off her guard when she was with him.
The next day Frank invited Joy to his room to study, and she agreed. They did study . . . for a while. Then they touched, and Frank held her and kissed her. He gave Joy all she had been longing for: attention, affection, and acceptance. For just a moment it all seemed right. But the moment tilted and lurched. Frank moved much faster than Joy wanted. This was no time to remain silent. She pushed away from Frank, saying, “No.”
When Frank ignored her protest, she thought, Didn’t I say it forcefully enough? She tried to resist, make him stop, but he was much stronger, and her words were not enough. The world around her twisted and distorted. Within the space of a few minutes, Frank had taken everything.
After it was over, Joy found herself curled up alone at the back entrance of the dorm, shaking uncontrollably. A tornado of feelings ripped through her. I should have yelled out, she thought. It’s my fault.
As the cold from the concrete steps seeped up through Joy’s body, the Deceiver crept out to infiltrate and poison her mind. She had survived physical rape; now the devil intended to destroy the rest of her life. He whispered to her, “You’re dirty and worthless. You’re stained and rejected. You’re weak and pathetic.”
As the days passed, the lies drove deep into Joy’s soul and began to grow out of control. She couldn’t get things straight in her head. She began to hear all the accusations in first person: I am dirty and worthless. . . . I am weak and pathetic.
Angry and ashamed for not being pure enough, strong enough, verbal enough, Joy began making choices based on the lies she now believed to be true. She would never trust again. She would regain control. She found that if she acted a certain way, there were lots of boys interested in her, and one by one, she began to give herself to them. Each time, Joy found a moment of acceptance. When she said yes, she felt a few minutes of control. But Joy knew she’d left a piece of herself with each guy. Each time there seemed to be less of her to give. And the part that remained she hated with a passion.
It was a vicious circle. The more Joy lived the lies, the more she confirmed them, and the more she believed the lies, the more she lived them.
One Sunday Joy woke up in a strange apartment. She didn’t know where she was or whom she’d been with—if anyone. Joy couldn’t even find her belongings. The next night she begged God to take her life. She couldn’t continue her current life but wasn’t even strong enough to leave it. But God spoke to her heart and gently led her a different way.
The next morning, Joy withdrew from school, determined to leave the memory of the woman she had become far behind. She began attending church regularly and moved into a house with committed Christian girls. But no matter where she went, she found herself entrenched in the same thought patterns. The more Joy involved herself with godly men and women, the more self-hate grew in her. Her autopilot was stuck on defensive, making others her judge and jury. Her childhood of quiet shyness couldn’t touch the alienation she knew.
Graciously, God nudged Joy toward a new home among a group of Christians who knew how to live honestly with their pasts and the present. On one hand she felt refreshed, but on the other she was resistant to the free and forgiven lives they were living. That didn’t work with her plan. She wanted to punish herself rather than let Christ set her free. Her anger brewed.
But God still had His plan for Joy. He began to speak to her in many ways, but especially through the life of a friend—a Rollerblading buddy named Connie. Each week, as the sidewalks rolled under their feet, Connie talked about what was going on in her life. Connie spoke of a God with unfailing, unending love. A God of infinite compassion, but also a God of unbridled passion. His love and grace were neither forced nor reluctant; they flowed freely from His being into Connie . . . and Joy. This God took every lash of punishment; each drop of His blood He’d shed for all of Connie’s sins . . . and Joy’s.
This was the truth that would ultimately set Joy free. This truth said Joy was made pure and holy by His blood and that His perfect Spirit dwelled in her—something no man could ever take away, no matter what he did to her body. This truth said she could never add to or earn what He had done by punishing herself. This truth said Joy was not rejected—she was accepted, fully adopted as a daughter of the King.
But His message didn’t stop there. No longer did Joy have to believe she was disqualified from serving Him. She didn’t have to be silent or stay on the shelf like a broken toy so she wouldn’t be a disgrace or do further damage to the kingdom. Now she was free to do some damage for the Kingdom!
As Joy finally realized she was forgiven, a new passion began to burn in her life. A flame of desire grew hotter and hotter to share His message of grace, love, and forgiveness with others. Joy would remain tongue-tied no longer.
Often at night before Joy goes to sleep, she imagines the roars of praise as God’s children worship before His throne. Yet in the midst of the celebration, God hears a silence. Looking over the crowd, He sees an empty space, room for just one more, one more life that needs to hear of His love.
For her, Joy will not stay silent.
For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
(Isaiah 62:1)
WEEK SEVEN JOURNAL
• What lies from Satan might be leading you into sinful and destructive choices?
• Do you feel in any way that your past has disqualified you to serve Jesus in the future?
• Does the Bible say that is true or a lie?
• How did you meet Jesus Christ?
• What Bible verse or passage of Scripture has been most meaningful to you this week? Why?