sara
Learning to Surrender
Spring break of her freshman year, Sara sat alone in her dorm room. Life had become unbearable, and she pleaded with God to let her die. As she prayed for God to take her, a song came over the radio. Between sobs Sara heard, “He climbed the highest hill to save you.” The words pierced the young woman, and she begged God for something she’d never before asked: “Teach me how to surrender my life to You.”
Surrender came hard. After years of rebelling, Sara doubted that God was even willing to provide for her, whether it was relationally, spiritually, financially, or emotionally. But she has since learned her heavenly Father delights in His children and He answers prayer—even if it’s shrouded in skepticism.
The summer following Sara’s freshman year in college should have been her best ever. A cruise line in Alaska hired her as a stewardess. She found a house with fifteen other young seasonal workers, met a great Christian guy—David—started dating, got pregnant, and then got dumped.
Sara was devastated. She was hundreds of miles from home, and David didn’t want anything to do with her. Sara quickly realized that God had allowed her to be stripped of everything—except His provision.
Out of a house of fifteen, He gave Sara eight believing friends to cover her in prayer, grace, and love. Not only did God lavish her with companionship, He gave her a best friend named Joy. She loved Sara through late-night panic attacks, anger, grief, and continued doubt. Joy placed her trust and life in the hands of the Father, and Sara slowly learned to do the same.
When summer ended, Sara headed back to Seattle. By God’s grace she didn’t have to go home alone. Five of her summer roommates also happened to live in Seattle. They continued to meet with Sara to study the Bible and pray for her. They stood by her while she wrestled with the most difficult decision of her life: whether to keep her baby or give it up for adoption.
A mom was the only thing Sara had ever wanted to be. But secretly, she thought God wanted to punish her. And what would be more painful than making her give up her first child? Even though Sara believed God would make her pay for all her poor choices, she still decided to trust Him. After all, she hadn’t done so well without Him! Sara wanted to do His will, no matter what.
She began preparing herself for “His” answer by reading up on adoption. The first book she read was about a young Christian girl who was raped and became pregnant. It seemed only logical, Sara thought, that she would give up the baby. Yet she didn’t, even though the baby was conceived in shame. For the first time Sara realized that God had already paid her penalty. He didn’t want or need to punish her. All He wanted was to show her His mercy and grace.
Yet even with all the grace and mercy in the world, Sara wasn’t sure she could afford a child. She started attending meetings at the adoption agency. At one of the meetings, a young girl spoke about giving up her own baby. She struggled with the same question, “Can I provide for a child?” She finally concluded, “I wasn’t going to be able to buy my kid Nike shoes. And I wanted my baby to have parents who could.”
As Sara listened to her story, Matthew 6 popped in her head: “Do not worry about your life, what you will . . . wear. Will [God] not . . . clothe you?” (vv. 25, 30). Sara walked out of the meeting not willing to give her baby up for adoption because of shoes. That day, Sara decided to keep her daughter; Grace would be her name.
At last she was able to settle happily into her pregnancy. As her third trimester commenced, Sara began looking forward to the day Grace would be born. Then, three days before she was scheduled to give birth, David called. He said, “Isn’t it ironic that if you were the kind of person who would give up a baby, then you would be a person I could be with.” Although he was obviously attempting to use and manipulate her again, Sara was consumed by fears of being alone without a man and raising a baby without a father. All she could muster was, “I’ll think about it.”
Confused, Sara longed for a quiet place where she could sort things out with her heavenly Father. She drove around for hours. Finally, she found the place she was looking for: a bench by the ocean. Exhausted, Sara sat at the water’s edge, sobbing and asking God for guidance.
As she cried, she thought of Abraham leading Isaac to the altar. He was willing to give his son away because it was God’s will. Sara cried out, “Is this what You are asking of me? If I give my baby away, how will You bring her back to me?” Afraid and unsure, Sara returned home. Then she called David and agreed to give the baby away. The next morning he picked her up to sign the papers.
A stack of legal work was waiting for her when she arrived. The first page read: “I agree I am unable to offer relational, financial, psychological, and emotional stability for a child at this time. Therefore, it is in the best interest of my child to be given to a family who can. . . .” At the bottom of the page was a line for Sara’s signature.
She picked up the pen, but even if she could give away the baby emotionally, she couldn’t do it physically. Sara literally couldn’t put the pen to paper. She left without signing anything. Later, as she sat at home rubbing her belly, she wondered if God had sent an angel to restrain her hand.
Two days later, Grace was born. All five of Sara’s girlfriends from her summer in Alaska were there. For nine months they had held up their lanterns of learned surrender and guided her toward a trustworthy God. That day Sara knew fully that God’s provision surrounded her.
Sara periodically still finds herself doubting God’s care for her, but her distrust is shrinking. Righteous women continue to embrace the young mother with prayer, encouragement, and guidance. It is because of God’s merciful gifts, she says, that she has learned to trust Him. She is able to say confidently God is not only her Savior, He is the Lord of her life.
Today, Sara has been married four years to a devoted Christ-follower. Jason loves to say that it was her compassionate heart that drew him to her. She insists he fell in love with a little brown-haired girl named Grace. Three years ago, Jason adopted Grace and is now raising her as his own.
When we think about sisters sold out for Jesus, we often think only of women who leave their homelands and go far away to minister. But Sara, pressing hard after the heart of God, discovered what it meant to surrender and rely solely on her Lord while answering one of God’s highest callings: motherhood.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)