It was a very uninspired life and in the midst of it I would be filled with anger, depression, and anxiety over the fact that I couldn’t muster the courage to leave the relationship and take the life I really wanted. This is when forgiveness of self comes into play. It’s very human to let yourself down and to keep letting yourself down just because you’re so disappointed in yourself, thus creating a habit of believing you are not responsible for how you feel about your life. Turning away from God or spiritual practices is another thing that tends to happen when you start self-shame—you almost don’t think you deserve it, thus creating the habitual idea that you are “forsaken.” #USHUMANSARESODRAMATIC.

I was afraid he wouldn’t survive without me #CODEPENDENCYATITSBEST—I was stuck in a rut. Looking back, I think I was afraid to face all the shit I knew I would have to face once I made that major CHANGE. Even though the relationship was making me sick, literally, I couldn’t bring myself to stand up and make him leave.

Then one day I looked around and saw that continuing to live this way gave me one future—the one lived by many people I knew back home after they’d given up on themselves, not coming through for what they wanted and allowing themselves to be let down by THEMSELVES. I saw that future and I knew it would kill my spirit.

I’m very protective of my spirit and when I could see where I was headed, I knew I had to do something to take me off course. Even if I couldn’t see where that course was, it was better than an overindulgent, compulsive future! I couldn’t let myself down, I couldn’t! I swear to you, guys, my conscious was SHOUTING and I felt a fire in my chest! It was either settling for his happiness or leaving for my own, and just like that I said to myself, “Take him away!”

I didn’t want him to feel like I was forcing him to be responsible for my happiness. Even though he thought that was fine, I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t want him to bear an impossible burden and I didn’t want to either. We just weren’t good for each other anymore. It was unhealthy and suffocating for me. I couldn’t grow and expand in that environment. You also can’t have a real relationship when both you and your partner aren’t trying to acknowledge your issues. Darkness can’t cast out darkness, and it’s only the individual who can turn on the lights. #CHOICE. I wanted my lights to turn on and in order to gain electricity back in my house, I had to cut him off from the energy source.

I knew it was time to work on “me” and I knew that with that, there would have to be some changes. It took me a year of wanting to leave Joey before actually getting the courage to break up. Shout-out to one of my best friends, Matty, who helped me so much during that time. He and I were going through the same issues, and just speaking with him, and us both giving each other the strength to do what was best for us, was invaluable. Love you, Matty!

It had gotten to the point where I had to leave town physically to film a movie in another state in order to truly break ties. I breathed a sigh of relief thinking finally I wouldn’t be distracted and could try to spend some time on the real issues. I was going to figure out how to be “happy” like I always wanted to be. Joey was no longer around, so I could be alone with the space to focus on myself and just be!

DISTRACTIONS AND OTHER ATTRACTIONS

I feel it’s important to have some alone time when you leave one relationship before you even think about getting into another. Giving yourself time to process your thoughts on what you’ve just walked away from in order to determine what worked and what didn’t for you is so important. Without that I feel like we give ourselves a greater chance to repeat the mistakes again and again. Guess I needed a few more rounds before I took it seriously.

In the beginning of my breakup with Joey, I was filming a movie and falling for someone else at the same time. We were playing love interests, and the circumstances created a scenario where I was not only NOT alone, but all up in somebody else’s face, and he was in mine.

I was again distracted from my self-work and this time his name was Camry: a tall, boyish-faced pretty boy I’d known since I was a teen. He had always had a crush on me, but I hadn’t liked him at first because he seemed really pretentious and I was afraid he was fake in the Hollywood sense of the word (opportunistic). Unlike Joey, he was very self-confident and expressive, except when it came to what was underneath the surface.

There’s that “wall” I kept running into. #MOTHTOFLAME. But on the outside he was fun, playful, and exciting and more open than most guys at the start. He had a real childlike quality. He actually took me on one of my first real dates back in the day, and would often invite me to family parties, but there was never any consistency in the history of our relationship.

The Camry I got to know while working together was a totally different Camry from the one I knew as a kid. He was seemingly more open from the start of filming. It felt like he was making a genuine effort to be more invested in my life. He cared about the breakup I was going through. Even though we had known each other since childhood, he’d never been consistent enough to get that much out of me.

While being stuck out of town working, we had nothing else to do but connect. We would have these hilariously long talks about life and everything in between and I loved our meaningful exchanges. You can’t have meaningful exchanges with everyone. I think that’s what makes finding people you can connect with so special!

We had a great connection. We would talk all day and all night, just best buds. It was my time with him that made me realize that there was passion and excitement in relationships, friendship! It just means that TWO people are showing up to the relationship, as friends or otherwise. He always said he just wanted to be best friends, but then he’d do such romantic things, publicly. He would give me foot massages with my girlfriends around and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. He would hold my hand in front of other cast members and act like he really liked me, but in private he’d run hot and cold.

I had to stop in the middle of our movie to promote another film I’d done some time before. I was so shocked that even though back home while his grandma was very ill, he didn’t stay in LA for the time off that he and the rest of the cast had during my promo time. He joined me when I was promoting the movie and we slept in the same bed, but didn’t kiss or do anything other than cuddle. I later thought I should have paid attention to how someone who was important to him was being prioritized in his life, as opposed to how he was treating me in that moment.

This was all new to me, I hadn’t been that close to anyone other than Joey, and Camry and I were sharing deeper intimacy than that. We weren’t sexual at all when we were making the movie together. We didn’t even kiss until the movie was like a week from being over.

Having said that, I got tired of being teased. #THATPART. I honestly started taking it personal that he hadn’t made a pass at me and I started to get nervous he was just using me. For what, I didn’t know, but the lukewarm feeling I was having was starting to aggravate me and activate all my insecurities.

I finally asked him what the deal was, that most other guys would be trying to have sex with me by that point. I asked was it that he just wasn’t attracted to me? I wasn’t afraid of rejection, to be rejected for me would’ve set me free at this point because I didn’t like the uncertain place he was capable of putting me in. I pointed out that one minute he’d say he just wanted to be friends, but then the next minute he acted like he loved me, literally telling me I’m fabulous and saying things like, “Why aren’t we married yet?” He seemed so nervous, like he was a rat I’d pushed into a corner with my broom. Then he kissed me!

It was such a movielike moment, honestly, in the most HILARIOUS way. From that moment on we were even closer, like two peas in a pod—as close as close could be with this added element. But he said he still wanted to be best friends.

For a long time that bothered me. It confused me so much, a fresh twenty-year-old, that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend but wanted to spend time with me and kiss me and all this. It honestly bugged me because I couldn’t understand it; it didn’t fit in my head. I felt like I wanted to sleep with him but couldn’t, because he wasn’t my boyfriend. I felt like I couldn’t open up, because he wasn’t my boyfriend. I felt like I had to be mad at every female who was with him, because he wasn’t my boyfriend.

I honestly was chained by those words and found myself in bondage that I created. I feel like so much of my early relationship with Camry was defined by other people’s ideas. I felt like certain things had to happen or I would get dissatisfied. If we didn’t hang out, if he tweeted before texting me, if he didn’t text me back till a few hours later. My anxiety was tripling because I didn’t stop to take some time before my breakup with Joey to evaluate my needs. I hadn’t worked on ME, and it was showing. What was really happening was that I was having separation anxiety, on top of the anxiety habits I’d already inherited. This was the most excruciating process for me because it was me at my weakest.

Camry didn’t want to be in a relationship and because I was wrapped up in my insecurities I created another rejection that wasn’t really a rejection because I honestly didn’t want or need to be in a relationship any more than he did. I just felt like I should be in a relationship and now that the guy was a LITTLE cooler than Joey, he was the one! It was such an identity thing. . . . I was Keke, guys want me to be wifey—he doesn’t? Omg, why!? It never occurred to me that I attract people like myself. The fact that I was dating someone unavailable and finding him attractive or worthy to be in a relationship with means that subconsciously I didn’t want one either. Those are just the facts, kids!

Still, my bond with him was strong and I even became close to his entire family. I adore them and I believe they adore me.

Although we had a spring romance, the inconsistency habit soon came right back. My anxiety took it into overdrive but there really were strange things happening between us that motivated my alarms. He was very up and down in his emotions, hot one day and strangely distant the next. I remember we went out to his fam’s house and his grandmother was always in her room because she was severely ill with cancer. He loved his grandmother and I wanted to meet her, but he wouldn’t let me near her room.

It was like she was the queen of Egypt and I wasn’t allowed to meet her. Then on Valentine’s Day, he invited me to his house. I took a rose for each of his family members. When I got there, he was sitting on the couch with his grandmother in his arms, I guessed he was finally ready to let me meet her!

He introduced me to her and she said Camry had told her so much about me. She and I laughed and spoke about how proud we were of him and his thriving career. It was a really special moment and I felt that he had to be genuine! Not to mention he wrote me the most amazing Valentine’s Day note. Even though he had gotten inconsistent once we got back to LA, I felt that he meant well and did care for me to some degree. He had to, right?

We spent the rest of V-day together and it was a chill time, but I still felt like Camry wasn’t being completely real and that old pretentious energy started to come back into the forefront. The whole time he was saying nice stuff but honestly seemed like he’d rather be somewhere else. It was often that feeling of me getting the idea that I was some sort of chore. I wanted us to have fun like we did before but it seemed like the added romantic element made it somehow draining for Camry. He was doing all the right things, kinda, but the intention seemed based off a perception and not like he really liked me like that. It felt like he was acting out a movie role and in some ways I felt like he resented me for making him play that role.

Our feelings about love are based on our experiences, our personal histories. We bring our pasts into the relationship with us—our hurts from previous relationships as well as our insecurities and fears.

There was something that kept Camry from going all in with me. After Valentine’s Day, the hot and cold Camry was at its WORST. He was passive-aggressive, saying he liked me one minute and telling me to back off the next. When his grandmother passed away, he didn’t want me around to be there for him.

Yes, again I was confused. I thought he was a great guy. I just felt like he wasn’t really being himself, like he was hiding something and wanted me close sometimes but at arm’s length. He was warm and romantic, but still emotionally distant.

The difference between him and Joey is that Joey was soooo laid-back that his emotional unavailability didn’t seem like so much of a stretch. But because Camry was much more talkative and a charmer, his emotional availability was much harder to identify. Camry would talk about his life, but then when you approached real inquiries on certain topics he didn’t want to address he would either laugh it away or become passive-aggressive in a way that would make you feel stupid for asking, lol. He would always use the “you’re being ‘intrusive’ ” card, making it seem like you were always in breach of his privacy. That card was like my Achilles’ heel because I was embarrassed to care.

I wanted to know the real guy, the hurt Camry, the disappointed Camry, but he only had the “happy” Camry. He had that dude on autopilot twenty-four seven *huuuuuuge eye roll*. His grandma’s passing happened around the same time I was in preproduction for Just Keke. We had a really intense convo about my best friend, Jamie (who you’ll hear more about . . .) because I felt like she was being similar to him. Saying one thing but acting like another, and in so many ways he used her story as a way to express his feelings. He tried to act as if that wasn’t what he was doing, but it was plain and clear that he was using my situation with her as a scapegoat and pushing me away. I even asked him if he loved me the way I loved him, and he was so upset I’d asked because he felt it wasn’t a yes or no question. #BULLSHIT. He told me that he didn’t love me the way I loved him but that he did care for me deeply. After all the push and pull to hear those words were a relief kind of, but also I was crushed . . . CRUSHED! My ego for sure was!

This was the toughest heartbreak of my life because it was the first time I’d ever felt a way about someone who didn’t feel the same. I felt like my feet were numb and my heart was in my stomach, I didn’t want to do anything, talk to anyone. I remember my mom coming to my house during the “Camry Storm” and at first I was so tough when breaking the situation down to her. She couldn’t seem to understand why it upset me so much. She couldn’t understand why I was letting him affect me so much esp because she’d known him and spent time with him during our movie too. She knew that he pursued me and she knew our past history. My emotions, she felt, didn’t match the situation. To my mother I am the coolest and most confident and she couldn’t understand why I was taking it/him so seriously when I had so much other good stuff going on.

I remember bursting into tears and admitting probably for the first time that it JUST HURT. That I was HURTING, for a multitude of reasons, and I wanted Camry and me to pan out. It was like, if that went good it’d make up for all the shit that went wrong, but even it went wrong. It didn’t work out as I’d wanted, my plans didn’t turn out and you know what, it hurt. This had nothing to do with my career. In fact that was just like it’d always been, my career trudging along and my personal life six feet under. I didn’t want to be resilient Keke, I wanted to let myself hurt instead of sucking it down deep. My mom just stood and started crying with me and started hugging me. That was a nice moment for us, an intense one, but special.

Anyone going through a breakup, know you ain’t alone. We all go through it and it’s OKAY that it hurts. You don’t have to be strong all the time, give your other emotions a chance, that’s why they’re there.

In the end, it not only left me brokenhearted but it also forced me to deal with the heartbreak from Joey that I’d never dealt with. Jamie and I ended up getting back to cool, she was there for me during my getting over Camry. There she was again, saving the day. Everywhere I went out of town she came with and we were inseparable; she was the only person I wanted around. Really, I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Her positive energy had a huge impact on me because she didn’t judge my emotions. She didn’t make me feel ashamed for feeling poorly, but she reminded me that it would get better and it was nowhere near the end of the world. That it was his loss, not mine! That’s what friends are for, eh?

Even though Camry and I were never boyfriend and girlfriend, he was still someone I loved, and someone who loved me. We loved each other in different ways, but the way anyone loves is based off of what one has seen or come to know on the subject. It really isn’t about our feelings toward the other person as much as it’s about the way we learned to express/intellectualize them. It really wasn’t my job to figure out Camry’s problems, to judge him or label him. It was my job to understand my OWN problems and what made me comfortable with an uncomfortable situation.

GETTING TO THE HEART OF RELATIONSHIPS

It took me a long time to realize that, with Camry, it wasn’t personal about me. It was about him and the journey he was going through. He was trying to find himself just like me. And I couldn’t make my separation anxiety and inability to stand on my own two feet his problem. No, he wasn’t a perfect person, but where did it say he had to be?