I felt guilty many times when I would want to speak up on his change of attitude when my dad drank. I never wanted to judge him, but I felt he was not always the same when he drank. I learned to ignore it and I just accepted it as normal.

My relationship with my dad suffered because of that. As a kid I often personalized his behavior. Because I didn’t understand drinking and its effects I never thought that it was the possible culprit for his mood swings. I just felt like he didn’t like me very much. I felt that there was something between us, keeping him from being real with me.

On the surface you could say that the drinking comparison alone created my attraction to Sammy. And though, to me, God WAS saying “YOU WILL SEE THIS,” that wasn’t the MAIN similarity between someone I dated and my family. With Sammy, it just became especially clear. Sammy’s alcohol induced mood swings triggered old habits in me that brought up faded memories. I needed to examine my relationship with my parents if I wanted to heal and move forward.

RELATIONSHIP MELTDOWN

By the time I started filming Scream Queens, Sammy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. We only lasted about five months because over the course of his visits to New Orleans he became increasingly more peculiar. He came down while I was filming and doing a Scream Queens promo for the ESSENCE Music Festival and I could tell that he was disappointed. I think in many ways he felt that way because of his inability to really focus on his music career.

I think Sammy knew he was talented, but I feel that just like me, because he got successful at something else first, songwriting, that is what most people wanted from him. He would try to hide this, but I could tell my new ability to go for it really affected him because of his inability to go for it. Not only that but he was also dealing with a lot with his family and just questioning his foundation of trust.

How crazy is it how the people you choose to let into your life can mirror you without you realizing it? Lol. I spent many nights trying to make Sammy “happy.” I put myself in the unhealthy position of being responsible for other people’s happiness. That’s an old habit that actually birthed my purpose of being an entertainer in the first place, still having no sense of boundaries. Sammy was draining me, but also intriguing me because through him I was learning soooo much about me. I would often discuss this with Jamie, as she was out there with me working as my assistant. Especially on the days when Sammy would be moody and cruel toward me. She was there to hold me as I cried.

By the last trip Sammy made to see me in New Orleans, he’d become very verbally abusive. And much to my surprise had crossed boundaries when I saw his text thread with JAMIE. I know, what a bitch, the both of them.

I know they say it isn’t good to hire your friends, but I actually love hiring friends and working with them toward our goals. I think it’s just important to know where your friend is coming from when deciding to work together. I hired her initially so we could spend time together while I was gone and so she could save up money. She was living at home and hated working in retail, so it made sense. Not to mention, I too was really trying to stand on my own two feet without my mother.

At the start things were great! She was pretty okay with order, and neither of us knew much about “assisting” jobs. I didn’t know how to really be a boss, and she didn’t know how to really be an assistant. I feel we can both take responsibility when it comes to the business aspect. I think Jamie cared for me, but I feel like she started to resent me at a certain point. Instead of just telling me she wasn’t passionate for the job, or that she felt I was acting like a tyrant (obvi not that one ), or that she wanted to go home or whatever, she instead spoke about me behind my back to coworkers. I later heard that she talked bad about me to my boyfriend and some cast mates, and just a few months ago, y’all, I was told that she had bad-mouthed me to music peers and past and potential baes. #DAAAAAAAAAAMN #AINTTHATABITCH smh.

All these things tell me that there were things going unsaid between us. I think Jamie became competitive with me and maybe I did too with her. I think we were both going through a lot with our significant others as well as ourselves. I don’t think we were mature enough yet to express and communicate our feelings directly, and they came to the surface in the most petty and passive-aggressive ways. I don’t know how she felt exactly, because she’s never told me, but I could’ve been hard on her. I was frustrated in my relationship and can sometimes be really critical and passive-aggressive. #KNOWYASELF. Jamie was known for her beauty, she was always the pretty girl, and I often felt Jamie’s mom promoted an idea that because she was pretty, her focus should be getting a man locked down who can take care of her.

Jamie would never really share her feelings on the subject, but I know it must have stressed her out to continuously be told who she should put up with because of who they are or what money they made. To have it implied that your identity is attached to how good you are at getting others to do things for you seemed like hell to me. At the end of the day, I don’t know what all she was struggling with, because she didn’t tell me. But I’m sure she had reasons for her actions, just like we all do when shit goes left and we are there looking like the “bad guy.” I just know that she hurt me by violating my trust on more levels than one and it’s still hard to believe today.

I loved her so much and honestly would’ve done anything for her—we were best friends I thought, and I couldn’t understand why she would f&^% me over, something I learned that I may never get the answer to. THAT was what I had to learn to accept. Sometimes people will hurt you and you will never know the reason and even if you do, you will probably not understand it because you weren’t the one who did it. Of course I don’t think I deserved what Jamie did, but who’s to say she doesn’t feel like I did things that prompted passive-aggressive action back? Friends can be mean to each other at times, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it just means they are human. She was my main bitch 4 life, but sometimes things change.

The final straw was when Sammy and I were out to a bar one night with her and other friends and she was talking to everyone about me. I didn’t know this at the time but I knew the energy wasn’t good. It was like Mean Girls, the movie. Which in reality means this was high school 101 stuff because if you remember in the movie all the girls were mean at some point, even Lindsay. But I completely missed the high school phase, I’m socially inept in that sense, so it all felt really intense for me. I could feel they were all judging me. I couldn’t figure out why Sammy was being cold until I learned later Jamie had been saying bad things about me.

They’d been drinking for a while and I’d come to the bar only because Jamie begged me to. The night before, I had called it off with Sammy and made him stay at a hotel. He hit me up that morning and I realized I loved him and really wanted us to work out. Jamie was gonna go out with some of our gang, and Sammy was alone and wanted to go with them. I was going to stay home because I was all in my head, and Jamie kept texting me to come out. By the time I came to the bar I sensed the energy, I swear to you Sammy had again flipped.

As we left the bar to head to where one of the cast members was staying, I thought long and hard about approaching the subject of us and when I did he shut me down. It went from zero to a hundred REALLLLL MF QUICK. Sammy started cursing at me, saying everyone talks shit about me, and it was happening so fast I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I was so hurt when he screamed at me in front of everybody. I felt abandoned, embarrassed, shattered, and I would’ve loved to be as cruel as he was but I refused to show my ass. If there was one thing I had control over it was myself. I would maintain my dignity. I simply said, “Sammy, you are out of town for me talking shit about me to MY friends. Who does that?” I started to walk to the car and as Jamie started walking behind me Sammy told her she didn’t have to go with me. When I asked her if she was coming, she said, “Well do you want me to go?”

I was shocked that she’d even asked that question.

“Stay,” I told her.

She stayed, and I was torn apart because Sammy had disrespected me and she hadn’t defended me. She didn’t even tell him to leave, she just went right back to hanging out as if nothing had happened, leaving me to stand alone. I went into my “be strong” habit and blocked out the pain, but just like them I pretended it was okay even though I was hurt. I didn’t express that they hurt me and I didn’t tell Jamie that I really needed her in that moment. Was I wrong for expecting her to know what to do? I thought, Guess what, I’m stronger than this moment and y’all will have to reap what you’ve sown! It’s the karmic rule. When you treat people badly, it eventually comes back on you.

That was where I drew the line, with them and myself. Something had to give, I was tired of waiting for other people to hurt me because I didn’t know how to love myself. I was getting more and more creative with the pain I was bringing into my world and I had to put an end to it.

NURTURING FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS

I’ve always tried to nurture my friendships with other women. In today’s world, the media, mutual friends, and even guys we like will pit women against one another and that really upsets me because it works all too often. Sometimes it is hard for me to find and keep good female friends, because I am regularly compared to or placed in competition with my female peers in the industry for jobs, opportunities, and visibility. Not only that but I made a choice a long time ago that I’d forgotten, which was, trust no one. That can cause all kinds of negative energy into your perspective of life if you don’t realize that that’s a habit that can’t be active when building relationships.

As a result, I make it a point not to let that type of controlling mind-set seep into my spirit and I learned that that means keeping people around to make me accountable. It’s normal to sometimes wish you had a certain look or body shape. Admiring the qualities of other women isn’t a no-no, I’m just not interested in tearing another woman down because of it. We all have done it but we don’t HAVE to and as quiet as it’s kept it’s stupid. If she’s successful, I would like to follow in her footsteps and LEARN from her. We are so much better when we come TOGETHER.

Self-love means having enough intelligence to see the beauty in someone else, and the importance of having people around you who have their own goals and dreams and keep you accountable to yourself.

Now that doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt by those who love you, but it isn’t about labeling the people who’ve done you wrong, it’s not about harboring pain and victimizing yourself. It’s about understanding that everyone is in different places in their lives and your ability to weed out who’s who depends on you knowing yourself and what you desire in friendships. I never wanted to be that girl who didn’t trust her girlfriends. But I was wrong too in this situation because I ignored important signs and I didn’t speak my mind. People aren’t mind readers and if you want people not to hurt you and you don’t spell it out to them what’s hurting you, are you giving them a fair chance to know how deeply it’s affecting you? #DONTPLAYITCOOL.

I think it is smart to pay attention to those around you, no matter how close you are. “You can be friends with a thief, just don’t let ’em into your house,” my mom says. Before shit hit the fan I did notice texting between Jamie and Sammy and some of the texts were about me. It was clear that they’d crossed a boundary line right before my eyes. I had dealt with many people in my life treating me like a subject, like it was okay to talk about me like a thing because I seemed like I had the charmed life/position. Them having conversations behind my back was like reliving a moment of my childhood.

However, who’s to say that wasn’t something I could’ve expressed and experienced contrition from one of them or both? The gag is I actually did, and my agreement to never trust anyone put my possible mending with them in a choke hold. So they both got the axe, and I kept it moving. That experience didn’t turn me off from forming friendships with other women, or men for that matter. But it did teach me a lesson that there is no love, no relationship, without FORGIVENESS and making the choice to TRUST. People won’t always get it right, y’all, but it’s about who is trying to get it right to be a good friend to YOU! You gotta pay attention to the people who deserve your time and your love and you have to make sure YOU are in the right mind to determine that! Don’t be a pushover but don’t expect people to climb your Great Wall of China either. #THATSEXHAUSTING.

PAYING ATTENTION

After the Sammy and Jamie situation, I decided to take a serious look in the mirror because I had not been in a situation that lethal since those beginning years with Joey. I was just getting better with dealing with my emotions, I thought, and yet here I was—right where I had begun. I wasn’t paying enough attention!! I was repeating the same mistakes!!

I got back to Cali and promised myself there would be no serious dating. I was interested in someone, but my vow to myself ultimately made me unavailable to anyone. Sammy was constantly reaching out to me, but I hated him at that point. He had finally told me how my “best friend” had told him all these lies about me and about Camry. It was just so hard to accept that not only did she lie, but he believed her.

That whole time was eye-opening for me because I was back on my practices with yoga and therapy, so I was able to view my decisions objectively as opposed to judgmentally.

Camry and I were on cool terms and he was actually there for me when the whole Sammy and Jamie situation went down. I knew who Camry was at that point—instead of who I wanted him to be—and I knew how to not get ahead of myself, but to instead pay attention to his consistent actions. That turned out to be a good strategy when my moment of truth arrived. We were back on great terms, and I was over at the house a lot. He lived at home, and he started wanting me to hang with his family, even if he wasn’t there. I felt really welcomed.

One night, after attending the Grammy Awards after-party, I went to hang out with his mom and aunts. At the night’s end, I ventured to his room to say hello. He had given me the code to his door lock, and I with entitlement punched it in.

Just as I started to open the door, I caught a glimpse of Camry’s face freaking out.

“Stop, somebody’s in here!” he said.

I hadn’t walked all the way in, and I couldn’t see who else was there. I didn’t try to see.

I immediately said “Sorry!” And ran out . . .

I shut the door and stood there for a second, feeling embarrassed. Then, I literally started laughing. I honestly wish I could’ve snapped a photo of his face, hahahahaha. I was still outside his door typing up a text to send him to say “my bad,” but before I could finish he came out of the room. He was acting very cool and nonchalant, and asking me about the party, lol. I had just come from a party, so it wasn’t COMPLETELY weird, but it was odd because he first of all knows I’m not crazy interested in industry stuff and I had just walked in on him with someone in his bedroom.

He literally didn’t address it and I tried to, a couple of times. It literally was the weirdest thing because all this time I had waited for the perfect opportunity to show him I wasn’t “crazy” over him and there he was ignoring it when it came. I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I felt proud that I didn’t let it affect me and I thought he should have too, lmfao.

After that I tried again to address the awkwardness of the situation, but Camry pushed me away. #TYPICAL. Then things were never the same. Camry had worked so hard to make me feel a part of his family, but I kind of distanced myself from him after the way he dealt with the incident, yet I had already gotten close to his family and they would reach out to me! It wasn’t like I only liked them because of Camry: I liked them period, and it was nice having older women to talk to besides my mom, but it was getting weird.

They wouldn’t ask about me and Camry, but when they mentioned certain things it gave me the idea that Camry was telling them something totally different from what was really going on. Camry would literally NEVER text me to hang out or anything, but when he would hear that I had come over to hang with his fam he would be peeved with me. All of a sudden it wasn’t okay that I wasn’t working to make things comfortable for HIM. It’s hard to play in a game you don’t believe in anymore.