It was sometimes uncomfortable, but mostly nice. It fed my need to connect and also gave me a sense of family. I know that sounds weird, but it gave me hope to know that other people—besides the mostly deceased men and women I was quoting—felt the same way I did. It gave me a sense that God didn’t put me here in this world alone.

This experience inspired the concept for my talk show, Just Keke. The show covered topics of interest for my generation and served as a safe place where people could share their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism or rejection. Before I knew it, I had a digital following.

THE GOOD AND BAD OF SOCIAL MEDIA

Sharing myself with these people became a very big part of my life. I had always had fun making videos online and being creative with my Myspace page and posting cool photos. But when Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram came along, it was different. With Instagram I could really show people my life and how it looked. On Twitter I could show them my thoughts, how my brain worked, and how I processed things. Social media was starting to grow at such a fast pace. I’m still not sure if anybody was ready for it.

Back then I became totally obsessed with social media and everything to do with it. I was always posting and expressing ideas or speaking out on topics on Twitter. It was my life, and up until this one time, I had never been severely ridiculed about much on social media.

But then I took a hit in the Twitterverse. They killed me on Twitter. No, seriously, they started tweeting that I was dead, even using the CNN logo to make it look official. I decided it wasn’t personal, they were killing everyone that year. It was some weird fad for a second because people were realizing they had the power to make anything they wanted trend if they hashtagged it enough times.

Anywayssssss, I decided to speak out about what was happening in Ferguson, Missouri, after Michael Brown was shot in August of 2014. The people were rioting and burning up all of the community’s resources. I wanted to be there with them, but also let them know that the way some people were dealing with what happened wasn’t in their best interest.

I wanted them to know that I understood, but the burning up of their own town and expecting the very same people who were oppressing them to hurry back and rebuild everything was just not realistic. But in their defense, a lot of the residents in Ferguson felt as if it was outsiders doing most of the rioting and causing trouble. My grandma Mildred told me that when Martin Luther King was assassinated there was rioting in almost all of the major cities, which left devastation in the black communities. To this day some of those neighborhoods have not been rebuilt.

As someone who grew up in a black suburb of Chicago, I understand that lower-income communities in America are supported just enough to keep them in poverty. I knew they were hurting because I was too, I just didn’t want them to go through any more trouble, they had already gone through enough. I didn’t want them to lose their town in the process!

Not everyone agreed when I posted those thoughts about Ferguson on social media. Some felt I was too young to have an opinion on the situation at hand anyway. I was so heartbroken that the community I had turned to and been supported by was all of a sudden against me. It was very difficult for me to draw the line between my truth and the ignorance and judgment.

Everything became so personal and I couldn’t understand why. I was twenty, I had just broken up with Joey the year before. Camry and I just had whatever we had, and I wasn’t facing a lot of the things that were bothering me. I was either trying to get into a relationship or into my work—anything but being home and feeling alone and dealing with the pain.

I knew there was work I had to do on myself. I realized that social media had become a major distraction. I was starting to abuse it and I didn’t know it until I realized I cared way too much. It took a year and Broadway to get me to really take a step back before returning to the Internet and using it in a healthy way.

I’ve had it all, from people bashing my hairstyle, my acne scars, my singing voice, my acting skills, I could go on and on and on. I either laugh at myself or make it a game and see how well I can flip a negative into a positive. There was one instance recently where a mean-spirited comment caught my attention.

I posted a selfie where I was barefaced talking about my new tan lines. I had been at the beach, and I thought nothing of showing the real me to all of my fans and friends because I had done it several times before, and I like for people to see the real me. I stopped caring a long time ago if people were offended by my acne. It’s something that I had to live with. I had to stop expecting other people to accept me, and I had to accept me. My fearlessness in sharing my imperfections is motivated by me wanting others who have gone through what I go through to have a moment of reprieve. It happens. We aren’t perfect. So yes, I want them sometimes to see my acne scars and bad hair days because I want them to know that we all have them!

A blog called MTO took a screenshot and tried to create their own story, and the haters/cousins came out to play, let me tell you, hahahaha!!!!! The trolls called me “unattractive” and referred to me as a “drug addict” and any number of other insulting and degrading names they could throw in there. To make matters worse, it was mostly young black men posting ugly comments.

TROLLS IN THE TWITTERVERSE

I was perfectly happy to ignore the post until I saw the concerned responses from my female fans who were worried I’d taken the lowbrow attacks to heart. That is where I drew the line. I thought to myself how can I make this an empowering moment for all of us women?

After a few days, I began to think harder about the post’s responses and even more about the young women (and some men) who seemed hurt by the poisonous arrows meant for me. Then it hit me! Those women (and some men) were facing the same mean-spirited trolls who had come after me every day of their own lives.

I really felt for them then, because some people are so hurt that the only way they can feel good about themselves is by insulting and putting other people down in the same fashion. #HURTPEOPLEHURTPEOPLE. I ended up making a post not about me but about embracing what’s natural instead of hating what isn’t perfect. It became #NOMAKEUPCHALLENGE and many girls tweeted me their photos just as I tweeted mine. It was a special moment.

Also, to the young men of color out there on social media who find it all too easy to attack women of color, I have a question: Do you understand what self-hate is? Take a moment to look it up so you can fully appreciate what it says about you when you put down someone of your own race or ethnic background, or, honestly, just another human.

I can walk away from the painful things people carelessly post about me, because I live in a larger-than-life world of entertainment where you come to understand it isn’t personal. But I didn’t always, so I know there are many young people around the world who don’t realize they can walk away from hurtful words, and that hurts my heart. They have to go to school, go to work, or even be in their own neighborhoods with trolls who think it is okay to shell out harsh judgments toward others. I wish I had some magic words to help those young people feel better—or better yet, a magic word to make those trolls fall off the face of the earth.

I don’t have those magic words, but what I can tell you is to always keep your head up, respond with love to those who attack you online (or in person), and speak to your family, counselor, or a church group if it becomes too much to handle. Find ways to make yourself feel loved by YOU, do things for yourself, and appreciate those who appreciate you. You are loved and valued in this world.

Please understand that God created you in His own image, which means you are uniquely beautiful and divine. Don’t let the ignorance of others make you think otherwise. What they are saying is about them, not about you.

I DO have a word for anyone who thinks it’s okay to attack those around you simply because you have fallen asleep at the wheel. Think hard about why you’re saying what you’re saying before posting anything. The next time you want to go after someone because of the way they look or because their opinions or religious background doesn’t agree with yours, take a step back and look in the mirror and ask yourself what you would feel like if someone said those same things to you or your family. Or have they already? And lastly, what’s your point?

With one swipe of our phones, tablets, or computers, we can instantly be transported into the lives of those we know, and with one swipe we can also temporarily or permanently ruin someone else’s life with our cutting words.

HIT PAUSE BEFORE YOU HIT SEND

The same is true of reactive responses to your friends and those you love. This is a hard one for me, y’all! Sometimes you just want to send a big response right away, but once you send it, you can’t take the words back. So I try to really understand what I truly feel first before communicating it to the other person. Sometimes I text myself. I know that sounds insane but it honestly works, lol! I will have a text conversation with myself like this:

Keke, what are you feeling right now?

I’m feeling mad!

Why are you feeling mad? And are you really “feeling” mad or is that just your judgment of the situation?

I actually FEEL anxious. I have anxiety about the situation.

Why do you feel anxiety?

Because I am not in control.

What is causing you to feel that way?

Well I really don’t like when my friend texts and drives with me in the car.

Well what are you going to do about that?

I’m going to talk to my friend about how it makes me feel when someone texts and drives when I am in the car.

Texting myself helps me take a beat to figure out what I am really trying to say before I jump into accusations and/or reaction mode.

I think people should have privacy on their phones. We should be able to send whoever we want whatever we want privately. But the truth is that some things you can’t take back. So whether it’s a sexy photo I want to send to that boy I can’t get outta my mind or a reactive text to my best friend, I try to play the movie forward and make sure that I won’t look back and wish I didn’t send it. There are people out there who won’t respect your privacy.

The Internet and social media are still sooooooo new. They are like babies who haven’t come close to reaching their potential. They are wonderful resources, but anything that is really great can be twisted into something terrible. I try not to hit send until I’ve considered the consequences. And we can do the same thing when we are commenting on the photos or posts of our friends. I try to ask myself, Am I being cruel or kind? Funny or bitchy? Is it worth hurting someone or losing a friend over? Do I need to cut them some slack or say my piece?

We all have a very real need to welcome others into the good times in our lives, no matter where we are in our journey. If you are tempted to criticize, just remember we are all just trying to stay connected in this crazy, busy world.

KEEPING IT REAL

I reached a point where I got imbalanced with social media. I was allowing the Internet to become a substitute for real-life connection. The insecurities in my life and lacking esteem in other areas created an unhealthy sensitivity to the things people said to me and about me online. For a while, I felt pressure because critics online compared me unfavorably to my peers. They made it seem like we were in competition with each other, or that I had to be doing certain things to be perceived as successful or happy.

I got a bunch of piercings as a way of expressing myself, my creativity, and just evolving in general. People told me I was going crazy and not being myself. They said I was trying too hard. In reality I was just discovering who I actually was outside of the characters I portrayed as an actress. Outside of my “counterparts,” I am an individual, incomparable, and I was slowly becoming ready to live that truth!

I began expanding spiritually, posting that I was reading up on meditation. Some claimed I didn’t believe in God. I experienced so much hate that it became all I could focus on. I was really tired of people commenting on my life.

I deleted all of my earliest pictures, thinking I was silencing the haters and shutting them “out.” But in reality I was only hurting the people I was trying to connect with (tha kidz) and those who really loved me. Now I understand that it was my choice to let the negative comments speak louder than my inner peace—it was my past heartache and hurt that allowed those words to pierce through.

It was my subconscious calling out and trying to tell me there were some things I needed to focus on. That inner voice was telling me that I would not be able to see clearly and use my resources the right way until I worked on myself.

I knew the Internet could be a gift, but at that point it was more of a curse because of my perspective. I thought to myself that the only way I was going to be able to use social media to its true potential was if I stopped personalizing and removed my ego completely. #YOUSAIDWHATNOW!

YIKES. I knew this was a major hurdle to jump over in my life, like fighting Bowser on Super Mario Bros., I had to beat this level! I came to hate that I cared so much about what was said about me on social media. Now, I think caring is important, but it’s useless to care about what others think about your individuality. It’s not the same as caring when you miss someone or hurt someone’s feelings or want to make sure someone’s okay, ya know? In my opinion at least.

OFF THE GRID

Thankfully, my demanding role on Broadway provided the perfect opportunity to get off the grid without leaving me feeling like I was running away. My drive in my career gave me the push I needed because the truth was I had to focus on this role because it was so demanding physically and mentally. I also needed space to get my mind right. Worrying about being online was not helpful. I was giving too much of myself and needed to find balance again. It was really hard, but I felt that there was more to the picture and I was missing out by being all in my phone. #PUTTHATPHONEDOWN.

For the first month on Broadway I wasn’t using my phone because I was so busy. They had a vocal coach train me for my training period, but I wanted to continue with him once a week. I didn’t want to fuck up and disappoint anyone. Whenever I get in that mind frame I put myself on a strict regimen that ensures perfection.

My preparations and hard work on Broadway taught me many things that were useful when it came to using social media too. Self-control was a big part of it. I learned about controlling feelings of anxiety from my vocal coach, Bruce Kolb. I love him.

He is amazing, with his cute little belly, glasses, and a bald head! Bruce was very stern but also sweet and fun. I would talk to Bruce about many things, often describing how I felt, and he mentioned something to me that a makeup artist named Sonia said to me before. She was very spiritual and intuitive. Sonia talked to me about learning to relax through breathing techniques.

Bruce explained that it worked both ways. If I didn’t breathe correctly while performing, it would make me feel anxious and unable to connect the emotion to the vocal performance. He taught me that breath control can relieve me of anxiety and also make way for the spirit to shine through, which is what gives any song life. #SPIRIT. Bruce really helped connect the dots in a more technical way. He echoed Sonia’s sentiments and connected them not only to life but also to music.