‘What did you say?’ Camilla shifts in her seat and leans back, glancing at Simon. The way they’re sitting opposite me, I’m not sure if it’s like they’re interviewing me, or the other way around. Camilla’s perfume is sweet and overpowering. I glance over my shoulder to see if the window is within reach. It’s of the type that doesn’t open.
I turn back to them. ‘I’ve refocused,’ I repeat.
‘Good,’ Simon says as Camilla looks increasingly uncomfortable.
‘There are things I need from you, though.’ I open my notebook on the table between us. Camilla flinches.
In the days since my readmission, I’ve been ordering my thoughts and devising my own plan for recovery, detailing it all in my notebook. Whenever I lose focus, I try to recall a picture of Danny’s face, his encouragement. It keeps me going. If I am going to get through this shit, I need to take control, and Hillside needs to help me.
‘What is it you think you need, Charley?’ Camilla asks through tight lips.
‘I need some guidance.’ I point at my notes. ‘In the four weeks I’ve been here I’ve had one psychology session. That’s it. They’re supposed to be weekly.’ I look at Simon. He deflects my gaze onto Camilla. She’s unconvinced by my allegation of lack of psychology, so I tell her to check my records. ‘I can’t do this on my own,’ I say.
‘It’s complicated,’ Camilla says, her tone soft. ‘Your needs are carefully evaluated by the team with input from everyone who has contact time with you here – the nurses, OT, schooling sessions, and not least the management of nutrition and exercise.’ She leans forward in her seat, getting into her flow. ‘There are things that you don’t see, things that are happening behind the scenes to ensure your smooth pathway to recovery.’
‘Well it might be nice if you share some of that with me, so I can understand how to progress. I can’t do that if no one fills me in.’ I slump back in my chair. I catch the smug look from Camilla and re-double my resolve. ‘I want to talk to Dr Gilani,’ I say. ‘I don’t believe that it’s right that I don’t have the psychology sessions.’
Camilla shakes her head and is about to speak when Simon finally contributes. ‘It’s true,’ he says, looking at Camilla, then back to me. ‘You should be seeing Izzy at least once a fortnight and preferably once a week.’ Camilla shoots him a look and he trails off.
‘We know Izzy has been oversubscribed,’ Camilla says.
Simon butts in again. ‘Camilla. Please. Charley is right. Whatever the pressures on the system here, and I know it’s tougher than it’s ever been, we cannot get away from the fact that Charley’s pathway requires a level of psychology that she’s not getting.’
I feel like crying. Simon has never stood up to Camilla before. She looks away and lets out a sigh of defeat. It’s like she’s failed to protect the precious resources of Hillside from the greedy inmates. I can’t help but smile. I look to Simon but he avoids eye contact. He shrinks back into his chair.
‘You want me to take your plan? I can look at it with Izzy,’ says Camilla. ‘She’s in tomorrow.’
I pull the two pages with my plan out of my notebook and hand them to Camilla, then close it. ‘Good.’
I leave them sat in the airless box room and head out into the corridor, squeezing my earbuds back in as I go. It’s Danny’s latest playlist. Something by Muse comes on, and there’s a little spring in my step as I head back to the lounge.